TresSugar

Group Therapy: How Can I Make Our First Holiday Alone Enjoyable?

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

This is me and my boyfriend's first holiday season alone, without our families. Both of our families live in different states so we are pretty far away from everyone. I've felt upset this entire holiday season even though I have a wonderful boyfriend - I just really wish I could eat my mom's home cooking and see my brother and sister.

I'm trying to make this Christmas enjoyable for us, but I don't know how. I suggested something casual, like ordering in pizza and watching Christmas movies together, but it just doesn't seem special enough and he's not suggesting other alternatives.

I don't know what I'm asking here, I just want to know what you think is a good idea for a couple who has never spent the holidays apart from their families before, and for someone who is utterly depressed about it.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]
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Relationship Protocol: Whose Family Are You Closest To?

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Although I do know some couples who are distant from both their sets of parents, most couples I know are close with at least one person’s family. Whether it’s a matter of distance or similar personalities, sometimes it’s just natural for a couple to be more tightly knit with one person’s family over the other's. As a couple, whose family are you the closest to? Or do you find that it’s completely equal?

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Dear Poll: Does Your Best Friend Live Nearby?

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Long-distance relationships are tough, but so are long-distance friendships! If you're lucky enough to have your best friend living in the same town, you probably get to see her pretty regularly. But it can be tough - and potentially expensive - when BFFs live halfway across the country or world. What's your situation?

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You Asked: Is He My Dream Guy After All?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a relationship for almost a year. On paper, he's my dream man, and until recently, things have been great. At times, I'm even jealous of myself. However, things haven't been so wonderful lately. We fight a lot, he's become quite jealous and demanding, and I feel completely dependent on him. He's threatened to break up with me a few times while we were fighting, and I cry uncontrollably because I can't imagine myself without him. I love him, a lot. I've had some insecurity issues, so I frequently fear that he's going to leave me. I've convinced myself that he's just losing interest and I feel needy and somewhat helpless lately, like I need to walk on eggshells to not upset him. He would never hurt me physically, but emotionally, he already has.

I know I shouldn't feel so dependent on someone else, especially the way things have been, but I can't help how much I love him. He's told me before that he was unhappy - and it had nothing to do with me, it was just life in general. But I've always thought that if you love someone and they love you, you could make each other happy no matter what. I brought up counseling, but he doesn't want it. I know this has probably become somewhat of an unhealthy relationship, but I can't bring myself to leave him. I know we are both needy, but are we too needy to help each other? How can I make this work? - Will to Do Anything Angela

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Will to Do Anything Angela,

It's no wonder you're constantly thinking your boyfriend's going to leave you - if he's constantly threatening to, who wouldn't fear that? The thing with love is that it can be blinding, but at the end of the day, Angela, if he's not making you happy and if you're afraid to be yourself around him, this relationship isn't going to make it. You're absolutely right, being dependent on someone isn't the best situation to be in, so perhaps you should distance yourself for a while. Since he's against going to therapy, he might just need a little space to think. Being needy and holding onto something that isn't necessarily there anymore is very common; people stay in unhealthy relationships all the time, but those types of romances usually crash and burn.

Since you're holding on so tightly, something tells me that you have a fear of being alone. If you both choose to put forth the energy to make this work, I suggest you spend time with yourself and figure out what it is that makes you tick. Once you're secure with who you are, not only will you be a better partner in a relationship, but you'll also gain some much needed clarity to better understand this particular one. While I understand the desire to do whatever it takes, sometimes love just isn't enough.

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Group Therapy: How Can I Keep My Long Distance Relationship Alive?

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 14:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. He lives in Colorado and I, in California. I love him very much and we have plans to move in together as soon as we're able to afford it, being we're both young. Over the past year it has seemed to slow down and the excitement isn't there much anymore. Many of our phone conversations are consumed by silence. Seems like after so much time spent on the phone, we have little to talk about anymore. When we're visiting one another, things are great, I can't get enough of him, but the second we're back to the distance it seems we lose our spark. Put on top of that that he finds phone sex boring and isn't too interested in it.

I don't plan on leaving him, but it feels like we're falling apart and I'm losing my feelings for him slowly over time, what can we do to keep our relationship alive?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Help! My Ex Won't Leave Me Alone

DearSugar — Fri, 25 May 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I've recently broke up with my fiance after a 2-year, long distance relationship. The truth is I was over him a long time ago since he was never there with me and the relationship was more like a burden to me. Anyways, he was devastated after we broke up because he had always been very dependent on me emotionally and it seemed as if I was his only friend.
Since the break up, he has been trying to become my friend. At first, I agreed to it because I felt guilty for breaking up with him. However, being friends with him hasn't worked out so well since he is still in love with me and has refused to accept the fact that we have no chance of getting back together. I am dating somebody else so I decided that it would be better for him if we didn't talk anymore so I try to not answer his emails and I blocked him from social networks that I am in. That didn't work and he continues to call, email, and contact me through an organization website that I am involved with. He is currently overseas right now so he can't really see me but I am scared that once he's back, he will try to see me and cause problems with my current boyfriend. What can I do to make this easier on all of us? --Over it Olivia

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Over it Olivia--

I am sorry you are feeling the pressure of an overbearing ex, it sounds as though he is having a hard time moving on, which is a completely normal reaction after being engaged for 2 years. With that said, have you been giving him any mixed signals or any indication that you would consider getting back together? Remaining friends with an ex, especially one who clearly still has feelings for you can make for a bumpy road ahead. Is he aware that you are dating someone else? Have you told him you want him to keep his distance or have you just been avoiding him altogether?

Your ex deserves your complete honesty. While I am sure being friends made you feel less guilty at first, you're right to cut off all ties with him. The only way he will move on is if he truly feels you are not a part of his life anymore. Since you had a long distance relationship, talking on the phone and e-mailing as "friends" isn't all that different than how you communicated as an engaged couple.

I wouldn't worry about the future until there is something to worry about. If he does come back to cause trouble with you and your new boyfriend, you're just going to have to be firm with him, tell him to back off, and hope he respects the fact that you have moved on with your life. Hopefully after he sees you have, he will be able to do the same. Good luck to you.

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The Benefits of Long Distance

DearSugar — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Though I've mentioned the environmental concerns related to a long distance relationship, I know that being able to physically see the person you love is extremely important. Feeling like a major facet of your relationship is out of your control can be very frustrating, and missing someone is always a struggle. Together, these can make long distance relationships difficult, which is probably why they get such a bad reputation.

But there are plenty of healthy, happy, and successful couples in long distance relationships. So why not look on the bright side and come up with some perks to doing the distance thing? I've listed mine below. What are yours?

You get to have more time for yourself.
You're never the friend who's always with her boyfriend.
You might miss out on nightly sex, but when you do have it, it's really great.
You can actually keep up with your plan to eat healthy and work out more.

To see the rest and share your own, read more.

There's always something to look forward to.
You may not have a lot of time together, but the time you do have is extra special.
You have the whole bed to yourself!
You actually get to miss each other.

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Intimacy Device Helps Long-Distance Couples See the Love

TresSugar — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:43:34 -0700

No, not that kind of intimacy device; this one has glimmers of science fiction. But if you're in a long-distance relationship, some British researchers want to help you get more intimate with your partner. A new invention, dubbed Mutsugoto, allows couples to "communicate intimacy" by drawing with lights on each other's bodies. Sounds hot!

The device promises to go beyond phone calls and email by allowing people to "communicate through the language of touch as expressed on the canvas of the human body." But it's not as simple as reaching out and touching someone.

Here's how it works: couples wear touch-activated rings on their bodies, and a camera mounted above the bed reads the rings. When one person moves the rings over her body, the strokes are transmitted and projected as light on the partner's far-away body. When the strokes cross, the lines change color.

This device might be a creative way for long-distance couples to break their routines of communication, but video chats still sound a lot more practical to me. To see a video demonstration, read more.

Mutsugoto from Distance Lab on Vimeo.

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Dear Poll: Have You Been in a Long-Distance Relationship?

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Long-distance relationships, or LDRs, seem to come up a lot around here. If you’ve been in one before, are currently in one now, or would never even consider one, it seems like everyone has some very specific feelings on the matter. I for one think long-distance relationships are very feasible, at least temporarily, but always challenging, too. With all the insight you ladies seem to have, I’ve never directly asked: Have you ever been in a long-distance relationship?

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The 4-Way: Conquering Long Distance

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Divine Caroline and I are back with another edition of the 4-Way. Enjoy!

Dear 4-Way,

Recently, I broke up with a guy that I’d been dating for three months, but I’ve known him for six years. I am deeply in love with him, and we only broke up because we had to move away from each other because of jobs. We now live over two hours away from each other. I still can’t seem to date anyone else and neither can he. He doesn’t say that he doesn’t love me, but he told me he won’t say it because last time he said it, he got hurt. We see each other every other weekend, which has been fine, but today he informed me that he’s moving even further away-four hours!-which will make it harder on us since we won’t be able to see each other as often. Should I wait it out and see if something happens because I do love him, or should I try really hard to find someone new?-BH, San Antonio, Texas

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear BH,

There's no doubt about it, long distance relationships are hard, but if both people are willing to put forth a major level of commitment and understanding, they can work. Now would I voluntarily sign myself up for one? - no, but if I fell in love with someone who moved away, would I do my best to make it work? - yes.

You pose the question of finding someone else so flippantly. Although you haven't said I love you, it's pretty clear that you have something special so my advice to you is this: test drive the distance for a few months. If it's manageable, great. If you miss each other so insanely that you can't take it anymore, perhaps you should consider taking your relationship to the next level and move closer to each other. And then lastly, if you both find the distance to be just too hard to make it work, you'll have to sever the ties and go your separate ways.

At the end of the day BH, you'll never know what could be unless you give it a try. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

I actually have a unique opinion on this week's 4-Way so I guess till next time gang!