TresSugar

Handle This: Your Friend Is Rude to the Sales Associate

DearSugar — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 07:30:00 -0800

If you were put in a situation like this, how would you handle it?

You've recently become friendly with a co-worker at your new law firm. She's been incredibly welcoming and you're sure that she'll soon be a friend outside of work, too. Over the weekend, you bump into each other while perusing your neighborhood shops. You're both headed the same direction so you decide to hit the next boutique together. While flipping through the racks, you hear your co-worker ask the sales associate for help, and to your disbelief, she's treating her like a second-class citizen! She proceeds to boss her around, demanding she pull clothes for her to try on, only to leave them in a heap on the dressing room floor.

When you walked out of the store - empty handed - she acted like nothing had happened, but you are horrified by her behavior. She asks you to continue shopping with her but you just can't bear to witness her rude and disrespectful behavior again. You don't want this to affect your relationship in the office, so how would you handle it?

Source

You Asked: My Boyfriend Tells Me What to Do

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 2 years. He is the breadwinner in our relationship and I am a full time college student. We live together and my "job" is to clean, do laundry, fix things around the house, cook...etc. Sometimes, though, I feel as though my boyfriend walks all over me. For instance, if I get distracted and don't do the laundry RIGHT when he wants it done, or clean the dishes RIGHT when he wants them clean, he puts me on a guilt trip and tells me I am making too many excuses. He tells me that I am wrong and that since it's "my job" to be doing these things, he feels like I am not living up to his expectations.

He has a problem with control and feels like he has to OWN me and CONTROL me. I constantly feel bad about myself with him because he's always correcting what I'm doing and making me feel like I am never good enough. He isn't abusive and he is very loving but he has a bad temper when I try to stand up for myself. He tells me that I am "being too defensive" or "putting up a wall between us." I don't feel equal to him and feel like a slave. He says he's right and since he's older than I am, he knows more about this stuff that I do (we're 9 years apart). His ways are very traditional and he believes in the typical "gender-roles."

We have a great relationship other than this but I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I'm being brainwashed. He sometimes says that I have it "too good" because I don't have a job but when I try to stick up for myself by saying, "well actually, i have college and family stuff to deal with everyday, as well as keep this house spotless to your liking and take care of you and myself to a T," he gets angry and tells me that those are "minor" and that he deals with things that are far more important everyday. Is there is something wrong with me for not seeing more of his side of the story?

--Cinderella Cynthia

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Cinderella Cynthia--

Danger! Danger! It sounds like you have an extremely controlling boyfriend who sees you as his maid and NOT his girlfriend. Who cares that he has a "full time job" --- so do you - as a full time college student! May I add that in no way is it "your job" to also take care of him and your home -- all those responsibilities should be shared between the two of you.

If you don't work this out now, I fear that you are doomed to a life of being at his beck and call forever. Once you graduate and get a full time job, you think he'll all of a sudden think he needs to help out? No way! He'll say "well, you've been doing it all along and it's still your job." I would suggest that you try to talk to him about these gender roles he's set up, and tell him how unfair you think they are.

I know you said that every time you try to stand up for yourself he doesn't listen and just puts you down, but even though he's not harming you physically, verbally knocking someone down on purpose, and making them feel unimportant is a form of emotional abuse and is totally unacceptable! If you try talking to him about how his disrespectful attitude needs to stop, and nothing changes, I'd get out of this relationship immediately. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates how wonderful you are. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: My Dad Had an Affair While My Mom Was in the Hospital

DearSugar — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

A year ago, when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, she told me that she suspected my father had been cheating on her for some time, and a few months ago, my mother passed away. My brother still lives at home with my dad and was angry when he found evidence of my dad's affair. I was pregnant with my first child and decided to try and clear the air. I had my dad over for dinner and confronted him about the affair and, of course, he denied it.

Just yesterday, he showed up at my house with a hickey on his neck. He tried covering it up and I didn't say anything. My brother found out the girlfriend's name and that she's about 2 years older than me, 35, and my father is 60. My brother suspects they've been seeing each other for over a year.

I can't bear the thought that he was so disrespectful to my mother while she was dying in the hospital, and I can't believe that he continues to look me in the face and lie about it. I wouldn't mind if he decided he was ready to date, I certainly don't expect him to be alone forever, but maybe in a year or so after the dust has settled.

I'm concerned about the relationship he'll have with my new daughter because I have lost respect for him. He'll be retiring soon, and I imagine that she'll be moving into my family home and taking vacations with my father's sizable pension. Of course it's his business, but it makes me sick. Do I confront him again and see if he can be truthful? Do I forget about it, or
just tell him no matter how much he denies it, I know the truth and I've lost respect for him?

-In Disbelief Debbie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear In Disbelief Debbie,

First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I can't imagine how you must feel losing her to cancer and then having to deal with your father's unspeakable actions. Not only did he cheat on your mother and disrespect her and their relationship, but he did it while she was sick and in need. I don't blame you for having lost respect for him, especially when he continues to hide the secret you already know.

That being said, you've got to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your father, if any. If you do want him to be a part of your life and to be a grandfather to your daughter, then you're going to have to find a way to either forgive, or forget about, what he's done. If you can't seem to shake the fact that he lied, then yes, I would confront him again (maybe with your brother for emotional support).

I know that you probably had a wonderful image in your mind of how your family life would be so I'm sorry that you're let down. Sometimes time is a great healer, but if you can't put his actions behind you, then you may decide that your father doesn't deserve to have a relationship with you or your daughter. If that's the case, I'd focus on the loving family you and your daughter do have. Good luck.

Source

Sunday Confessional: My Roommate's Been Having Sex in My Bed

DearSugar — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Since graduating from college, I've been living in a house with two other girls; we were all friends in school. There are only two bedrooms, and one of the girls has to sleep in an alcove off the living room - she pays far less rent. It's not an ideal situation, but it's what we can all afford. Luckily, I'm often gone on the weekends to see my boyfriend, so I can get away. However, recently upon getting home, I started getting the feeling that someone had been in my room.

I'm fairly clean and organized, so I couldn't help but notice an extra glass of water on my bedside table and a pillow on the ground. I didn't want to accuse anyone of anything, so I kept my mouth shut. One day my roommate, who has the other bedroom in the house, approached me privately and told me that she was sure our other roommate was bringing guys over and having sex in my bed. Apparently she had heard certain noises coming from there on more than one occasion when I was gone and even saw one guy sneak out in the morning.

Obviously this news both infuriated and disgusted me - I had been sleeping in those sheets! I've always felt bad for our roommate, since she has little space and just a futon mattress in the alcove, but I have a huge problem with her taking over my bed to sleep with some guy. I confronted her, and we had a huge fight. We're currently not speaking, and I want her out of the house. Only now, my other roommate is trying to convince me to just let it go. She doesn't want us to kick her out and she's tired of all the tension in the house. I don't want to be a drama queen, but I still feel totally disrespected and unnerved by the whole thing. Should I listen to my other roommate and forgive her? Or are my feelings justified?

Source

Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

How Do I Handle This Strip Club Situation?

Tres Community — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:00:15 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

First of all my husband and I have been married for half of a year now. He's in the Navy and just got deployed, but right before the deployment he was sent to Hawaii for one day. I dropped him off at the airport and it was so hard for me to let him go. He called from Hawaii and we talked for five minutes then he said he had to go and he would call back.

As I was checking our bank account to check on the bills I noticed he had paid to go in to some type of club. While crying my eyes out because of how much I already missed him and knowing he wasn't coming home any time soon, I waited for him to call back. When he finally did I got him to tell me the truth and it turned out to be a strip club. This was his first time going into a strip club. The problem is that I feel so offended and disrespected. I know I'm not unattractive, and I'm very open minded in our sex life. So to me it seems as if I'm not enough for him, and that he didn't care about how I feel about strip clubs. The fact that he was lusting over those girls makes me so angry and upset.

To see the rest, .

When we talked I was so mad and disappointed and couldn't stop crying. But after a while I realized that I've been told not to say anything negative or upsetting to him since he was going on deployment to a very stressful environment. I won't be able to talk to him at all while he's gone, I can only send emails but I can't confront him there either. So I had to pretend that I got over it and that I was OK, so he wouldn't feel bad and guilty. But in reality I feel so disgusted and can't take the thought of him wanting someone else. I'm alone and don't have any family here, this is our first deployment and I'm still trying to handle it. He made things so much worse for me, now I'm not just worried about his safety, but also at the thought of when he goes to a port he's going to cheat on me. I'm just hurt and feel resentment towards him, but for as long as he's out I have to pretend I'm fine and support him through the emails. I know some people might think I'm over reacting, but to me this is just like cheating.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

This or That: A Big Embarrassment or a Complete Flake?

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

For the past six months, you and your sister have been battling it out over a particularly terrible weekend that you spent visiting her. Though at the time the argument about her rude behavior wasn’t a huge issue, it’s managed to come up time and time again since then. In an attempt to finally make the peace, you invite her to a dinner party you’re hosting, which she accepts. Would it be worse if she . . .

This: Manages to make it on time, but then proceeds to rehash the details of your dispute for all of your friends to hear? You know it's a big deal for her to have come, but she just won’t let it go and it only serves to make you angry.

Or…

That: Is a complete no-show, and won’t answer her cell when you call? The party’s fine without her, but you feel completely hurt and let down.

Source

Do Tell: How Would You Respond to a Guy With Magic Tricks?

TresSugar — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I'm going to try not being a mean girl, because I think the following story is all kinds of adorable. But let's just say it's hard not to affectionately tease the guy who runs a class for seducing women - with magic tricks!

27-year-old McDerick Ho co-owns Secret Skills, a magic school in Singapore. The course he teaches? "The Art of Seduction Magic," a two-hour class for $150 during which Ho will teach men ten magic tricks that are supposed to help them break the ice with women they're interested in.

For example, he teaches techniques that allow a man to hug a girl while performing a particular magic trick, all while speaking lines from a script Ho provides that's so top secret he won't even put it on his website.

Although some men are skeptical about magic tricks as aphrodisiac, others say anything that can get a man's confidence up to speak to a woman is a good thing. You hear about rapists spiking women's drinks with roofies or others who are just disrespectful, so it's hard not to see this approach as innocent and adorable - if waaay dorky.

How would you react if a guy came up to you at a bar and asked, "Can I interest you in some magic tricks?

Source

Say What: Maureen Dowd Gives a Shout Out to Congressman

TresSugar — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 10:44:44 -0700

"Wilson’s shocking disrespect for the office of the president - no Democrat ever shouted 'liar' at W. when he was hawking a fake case for war in Iraq - convinced me: Some people just can’t believe a black man is president and will never accept it."

- New York Times op-ed columnist Maureen Dowd on Congressman from South Carolina Joe Wilson's shocking interjection of "You lie!" during President Obama's speech on health care. Dowd agrees with others who think that this breach in protocol and civility was an attempt to delegitimize him as the president - because he is black. Congressman Wilson, as it turns out, once spearheaded a campaign to keep the Confederate flag above South Carolina's state Capitol and denounced the black woman who stepped forward and said she was Strom Thurmond's daughter. (She was.) Wilson has since apologized and the President has accepted his apology, but he's now a sort of folk hero for those who don't like the president, and "You lie!" bumper stickers abound. What do you think of that outburst and its significance?

Are You a Member of the Mile High Club?

TresSugar — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

According to the Mile High Club website, pilots, flight attendants, and daring passengers have been whispering about engaging in sexual activity, you know - a mile high up in the sky - since people have been flying on planes. For what it's worth, oversharer Heidi Montag said joining the club changed her life.

[It] "was maybe the best experience I've ever had in my entire life . . .You’re waking me up to what’s possible, and it makes me want to try every new thing, doing it all kinds of ways - indoors, outdoors, upside down."

While the the idea of getting busy up in the air sounds kinda sexy, it also seems impractical and disrespectful to other passengers. Are you a member of the mile high club?