TresSugar

DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Fiance Lied to Me

DearSugar — Sat, 26 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Lied-To Linda need your help. Her long-term boyfriend lied to her about being a virgin, like she is, and now that the truth is out and the trust has been broken, she doesn't know how to proceed. They love each other, but can their relationship survive?

Dear Sugar,

I have been in an amazing relationship for about a year and a half. At the beginning, I was honest with my boyfriend about the fact that I was a virgin, and he responded that he was one too. We ended up taking our relationship to that next stage, and now I find out that he lied to me about his virginity. He told me that his lie was eating him up inside and he loved me too much to continue the facade. My reaction was immediate hurt and disgust. I just couldn't believe this person had been lying to my face for so long! He said that he realizes this is not going be fixed overnight and that trust was broken. We had talked about moving in together, marriage, and kids, but everything has changed now.

I explained to him that when you're in a relationship, you owe it to that person to be honest about everything, including their sexual history. He's completely admitted that he's in the wrong, and he tells me that he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes to make our relationship work, but I'm torn. What if there are other lies out there that I don't know about? Do you think that I am over-analyzing this situation too much? I know that he is hurting as much as I am, but I just don't know how to move past this awkwardness. I know that this can either ruin our relationship or bring us closer as a couple, so any advice would be a tremendous help.

Source

You Asked: Should We Get Back Together?

DearSugar — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I recently started med school and within a month, I unexpectedly found myself falling for a new friend. After the first night we got together, he told me that he actually was still involved with an ex-girlfriend. They had broken up several months before due to the distance but had continued to visit one another and hook up. I told him we could date on the condition that he ended things with her for good, which he willingly did.

While we were dating, he still kept in touch with her and they continued to visit each other. We constantly argued about this and one night when I was drunk, I broke up with him. I called the next morning, hoping to get back together, but he said he decided to get back with his ex. I accepted his decision and was heartbroken, but we continued our friendship.

Last weekend, he wanted to hang out with me and he showed up with his girlfriend. I was shocked. When he called me later that night, in a drunken state, I told him how upset I was. He said he still had feelings for me despite the fact that three weeks had passed since our break up.

After that weekend, I said I needed some space from our friendship. He told me he had broken up with her and that we should get back together. I'm really confused about what I should do. I don't think it's a good idea to get back together with him, but I still care for him and I know he cares for me. Should I give him another chance, or should I just cut him out my life?

-Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place,

It's too bad that this guy is so indecisive. It can't feel good that he's constantly going back and forth between you and his ex. I'm reluctant to tell you to get back together with him because while you two were dating, he was still in love with this other woman and seeing her when he told you he wouldn't. Just because they broke up, what's to say that he doesn't still have feelings for her now?

If I were you, I'd stick to what your gut is telling you and give this relationship some space so that he can get his feelings straight. He's got to regain your trust and treat you with respect before you should even consider being his girlfriend. You should make sure that his feelings for you are genuine and that he's not wanting to be with you just because you live so close (unlike his ex). Wait a month or so, and if you continue to still have feelings for each other, then you can think about giving it another chance.

Source

Could You Ever Be in an Open Relationship?

TresSugar — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 01:00:00 -0700

I happened upon an essay by Sirenita Lake, a woman who will soon celebrate 23 years of non-monogamous marriage. Sirenita believes that being attracted to someone else in no way changes her commitment to her husband, because each relationship is separate. She also doesn't mind if her partners are non-monogamous, because she's not a jealous or competitive person.

Sirenita thinks it's time for people to stop feeling bad for straying from their partners:

Our beliefs about marriage are in permanent, unhealthy tension with reality, with around half of marital partners attempting to be monogamous against their nature, like gays in the past who tried to live straight.

Interesting. So Sirenita thinks that some people are naturally wired to be with multiple people at the same time. I guess that's fine with me, if, like Sirenita and her husband, both partners are in on the arrangement, which neutralizes dishonesty and betrayal. Otherwise, "I'm wired to be with that other woman" sounds like a convenient excuse for a cheater.

Could you ever put monogamy aside and be in an open relationship?

Source

Woman Infected With Herpes Wins $7 Million Lawsuit!

CitizenSugar — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 00:01:23 -0800

A California woman has won $7 million from a man she sued for giving her herpes. She accused him of not disclosing his 25-year-old infection before having unprotected sex with her.

Seventy-seven-year old Thomas Redmond, who founded the Aussie line of hair care products, must pay fifty-six-year-old Patricia Behr $4 million in compensatory damages and $2.75 million in punitive damages. She also gets to keep the 2004 BMW he bought her as a gift.

The lawsuit alleged that Behr suffered stress and humiliation thanks to the defendant. The jury seemed to agree with her. Maybe Redmond should sue the person who gave it to him. Although I'm not sure what the statute of limitations is.

While the man's dishonesty is extremely troublesome, I can't help but be shocked by this verdict. At what point do we take personal responsibility for our sexual relations, even when we choose to have them with someone who turns out to be a liar?

Source

Fox News Gives NY Times Reporters Yellow Teeth, Big Nose

LibertySugar — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 11:00:02 -0700

When I came across these photos, I couldn't believe my eyes. Yesterday on Fox and Friends, Fox News aired photos of New York Times reporters, calling them "attack dogs." In the photos, reporters Jacques Steinbert and Steven Reddicliffe became the victims of yellow teeth, a receding hairline, and exaggerated features.

The Fox hosts were upset with Steinberg's recent article "Fox News Finds Its Rivals Closing In" which declared that CNN and MSNCB have added viewers at "far more dramatic rate" than Fox, so far this election. When asked if the NY Times would respond to the image doctoring, the paper's Culture Editor Sam Sifton said no thanks: "It is fighting with a pig, everyone gets dirty and the pig likes it."

Fox News has found some pretty creative ways to outrage me lately. What should be done to address this visual dishonesty? To see the video, read more.

Source

You Asked: Why Do I Constantly Think About Him?

DearSugar — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Last Summer I broke up with my boyfriend, who I was with for six years. The first year into our relationship was great, but soon after that he started cheating on me. I did not find out until months later because we were having a long-distance relationship for three out of the six years. I really loved him, he was my first boyfriend, and I was already thinking about a future together, but he just wasn't as ready as I was. I started to see that besides our constant troubles of his relations with other girls, we were on totally different levels as to what we wanted from our relationship. In our last months as a couple, the romance was completely gone, we didn't do anything with each other anymore, and we basically lived together like friends. When I asked him if he wanted to break up with me, he said it didn't matter. I then met this other guy whom I adored so much, and I finally had the courage to break up with my boyfriend.

He did not take it well at all, so there was turmoil for about four months after, while I was starting my relationship with the "new" guy. After six months with him, I broke it off because I constantly found myself thinking about my first boyfriend. At times I am mad because of all the heartbreaks he caused me, but other times I really miss the good times we had. He was a really sweet guy, amazing to me, but when we were apart he would cheat. I have no regular contact with him (maybe once every two months) but I'm still jealous when I hear stories about him and other girls. I still love him, but I don't want to be with him again. I believe that I'm still not completely over him but I do want to be. Can you help me out of this? - Stuck in the Past Patty

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Stuck in the Past Patty,

It's pretty clear from your letter that you aren't over your ex. Since you jumped right into a new relationship before you were even fully broken up with your ex, it doesn't surprise me that you're still harboring feelings for him. Getting over someone you cared for and were with for as long as you were will not happen over night, but unfortunately the only way you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else is if you put him in the past.

I'm glad to hear that you have minimal contact with him, and while it's only natural to miss the good times and forget about the bad, they still exist. Perhaps you should scroll up and re-read the beginning of your note. He cheated on you, he wasn't as ready as you were to further your relationship, and he didn't seem to have any sorrow about the possibility of breaking up. Since he was your first boyfriend, you will probably always have a special place in your heart from him, but I think we both know it's time to leave him in the past. You deserve to be with someone who possesses all the good qualities that you saw in him without the unfaithfulness and dishonesty. Be strong, lean on your friends and family for support, talk about how you feel, and with time, I have faith that you'll be able to move past this relationship. I wish you luck.

Source

You Asked: Was Breaking Up the Right Move?

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of seven months. I found out that he was lying to me about something very big: stealing and addiction. What hurt even more was the fact that I gave him two chances to come clean, but he instead made me feel like a horrible girlfriend for doubting him. The reason I confronted him twice was because I knew the real story, unbeknownst to him. He finally confessed and I broke up with him.

Five days later we met up, talked, and I got back together with him. Pretty soon I realized I hadn't forgiven him for what he had done and told him that I had made a mistake and that we needed to break up once and for all. I'm pretty upset about the whole thing, but I know he's heartbroken. I really miss him and I'm confused, but most of my friends are telling me I did the right thing. What do you think? - Did I Jump the Gun Jenny

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Did I Jump the Gun Jenny,

Two of the main ingredients to make a relationship work are trust and honesty. Your boyfriend wasn't able to bring either of those traits to the table, so I agree with your friends - breaking up was the right decision. In my book, bold-face lying to the people you love is absolutely unacceptable. Being involved with someone who is an addict and a thief will only lead to a life of more dishonesty so I'm so glad you nipped this in the bud within the first seven months.

Breaking up is always hard, especially if you still love the person, but it's important to remember why you broke up with him in the first place. Of course you miss him, seven months is a long time to date someone, but you should be proud of yourself for standing your ground. Time is a great healer Jenny and in the meantime, do what makes you happy. Hang out with your friends, go shopping, exercise, read, anything to get your mind off the breakup. I hope I was able to help you realize that you did the right thing, and good luck to you.
Source

You Asked: Is it the Same as "Cheating?"

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I found out recently that my husband was spending his lunch hour with a female co-worker. They don't actually eat together, rather they walked "for exercise." He told me that he supplies her with advice as she always was complaining about her boss and some guy that she liked. On days when I would call him to see if he could have lunch with me, he lied and said he could not take a lunch break. This obviously was a low blow when I later found out that for MONTHS he had been with her during their lunch hours "walking." He said he did not tell me of her as he knew I would not agree to it. So, isn't this the same as cheating? Even if they did not do anything physical, I am still just as hurt. --Betrayed Brianna

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Betrayed Brianna --

The word cheating means to be deceived, tricked, or fooled, so regardless if anything physical happened between your hubby and his co-worker, his lying is the most hurtful thing of all if you ask me. Since I wasn't a fly on the wall during their walks, or know the ins and outs of your relationship, the fact that he covered up this relationship leads me to believe that he does in fact have something to hide here. Are there problems at home that you can pin point and start working on to make him feel like he doesn't need to turn away from you? Are you having a hard time communicating with him?

Everyone has their own views on opposite sex friendships, but you have every right to be upset by his dishonesty, especially when he said he didn't have lunch time for you but did for her. Emotional cheating can be just as hurtful, if not more destructive than physical cheating, so a serious talk is in order. It's clear there is a void in your marriage so perhaps you should think about seeing a marriage counselor if you don't feel comfortable broaching the topic on your own. Regardless of your decision, demanding honesty from your partner is a must. Good luck to you.

Source

I Found Stockings And A Phone # In His Briefcase

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Jun 2006 07:17:00 -0700

Dear Sugar
My husband and I have a great relationship and we rarely argue. A few months ago, we ordered food in and when it arrived he handed me his wallet to pay for our food. As I was placing his wallet back in his drawer, a piece of paper fell out. To my dismay it was his ex's phone number handwritten by her with a heart at the end of her name. My jaw literally dropped and my heart stopped...I didn't say a word.

Soon after that, he asked me to grab driving directions out of his briefcase. While I was looking for the paperwork, I found women's pantyhose balled up in the side compartment. Again, I felt like I was going to die. In the 8 yrs that we have been together, not once have I doubted his faithfulness.

After a couple of weeks of "brain chatter" I finally confronted him about the pantyhose and he acted shocked and then accused me of putting them in his briefcase just so I could start a fight. Upon closer inspection they seemed to be new and unused (as a woman I know). He claimed that he had no idea where they came from. I never said anything about the phone number that I found (which I kept). Should I be worried? I've asked him if he's still in contact with her and he always says no. I am in total disbelief of what I've found and don't know what to do. Wondering Wife

Dear Wondering Wife
I'm a pessimist so my answer is yes - you should be VERY worried. Why you didn't question the phone number? And why you even entertained a few weeks of "brain chatter" is beyond me! 2 things:

1. Evidence: He asked you to go into his briefcase. That's where the stockings were. I think it's safe to say that he's the one who started the fight. Maybe he was in disbelief that you hadn't mentioned the ex's phone number so he had to do something drastic and lead you directly into the evidence.
2. Dishonesty: I hope you realize that he lied to you about both the phone number and the stockings. He said that he's not in contact with his ex, yet he has her handwritten, heart encrusted digits...IN HIS WALLET! And stockings don't magically appear in a briefcase, he's right about that. So who put them there? It could be him, the ex or another woman entirely. Bottom line is that he's lying to you about something and someone.

I know you want so badly to turn the other cheek and pretend this isn't happening - but it is. Try and picture a life without him and start making some arrangements for yourself ... OR ... smile look the other way and pretend this isn't happening. You can have an "open marriage" - there are plenty out there but for it to work, it's got to be something that you both want.