TresSugar

Relationship Protocol: Do You Compare Your Current Relationship to Your Past?

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

As far as sharing relationship histories with each other, I tend to believe that some things are better left unsaid. But just because you're not saying it, doesn't mean you're not thinking it. Considering your past relationships in contrast to your current situation can actually help to illuminate the good things you have now or the ways you've changed. On the other hand, there seems little reason to dwell on the past when you're building your new relationship in the present. So ladies, once you're in a new relationship, do you put your past out of your mind? Or do you find yourself naturally making comparisons between your current relationship and your previous ones?

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You Asked: I Want Marriage, He Doesn't

DearSugar — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a relationship for about seven years, and we've lived together for nearly four. I have been trying to talk to my partner about getting married, but he just doesn't want to go that route. We each have our own children from previous relationships, as well as two that are ours together. I finally feel ready to settle down and get married, but he doesn't even see that as an option. We have both been married before; he is 39, and I am 31. This is the longest relationship I have ever been in, and I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone.

I just don't know if I am selling myself short. Don't I deserve a wedding to the man I want to spend the rest of my life with? Or should I just accept the fact that he doesn't think we need to get married and keep everything the way it is? I have been losing a lot of sleep on this one and feel as if I'm not as good as his exes. What do I do?

- Ready to Settle Down Sasha

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Ready to Settle Down Sasha,

This is not a matter of what you deserve; it's about what you want. If you want to be married, and your boyfriend doesn't, that's a big problem. Although the idea of acceptance sounds nice, actually doing it is very challenging, which is why you're dealing with this dilemma in the first place. You need to decide if marriage is something you can live without while still being happy in your relationship.

But before you make that decision, it's important to realize that it should have absolutely nothing to do with his exes. This is about you, him, and your family together; he's not with his exes, he's with you, and that should speak volumes about how much you matter to him. Your feelings about marriage and staying with your partner should not come from a place of insecurity, because those kinds of concerns are unlikely to go away just because you've had a wedding. Talk to your boyfriend. Find out where he's coming from, and then use that information to determine the right path for you and your children.

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You Asked: I'm Not a Fan of His Career Choice

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend is about to own a bar, but we have different views about what that entails. He thinks it's just a place to hang out and de-stress, and he is spending a lot of time trying to plan events. I think owning a bar is providing people with alcohol and taking their money without giving them something good in return. We almost broke up over it and he said that he can't be with someone who doesn't support his career. Everything else with us is great except his job situation so we decided to wait and see how things go. Do you have any advice as to where to go from here?

- Bar Blues Betsey

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Bar Blues Betsey,

Going the entrepreneurial route and opening any business is always a risk. Even if you have a perfectly defined business plan that doesn't mean it's going to work out the way you think it will. And often, the plan has to change along the way. Your boyfriend has a vision for his bar, and I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to make that happen. As far as your differing views about what a bar should be, I think there's a place for both of them.

Obviously to make money, a bar needs to sell drinks, but to get people there and keep them there, it might need a bit more oomph, which is what your boyfriend is looking to achieve. I think the solution is to support his ideas, while also reminding him that a profitable business needs a successful business plan. By telling him you think he's wrong, you're only closing him off from your very legitimate concerns.

As far as your relationship goes, I think there might be more going on here that you guys need to work out. Are you worried that he's going to fail? If so, what does this failure really mean for you and your relationship? I think answering these questions may help you get to the root of your feelings and determine the right way to move forward. I assure you that once the business gets going, things are only going to get more stressful so now is the time to figure out if this is something you can live with or not.

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Where Do You Stand? Comparisons With a Friend's Love Life

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 07:00:00 -0700

I value my friends' opinions very much, and I often turn to them when I’m feeling down. But no matter how much I respect them as individuals, I have always tried to avoid the habit of comparing my love life to theirs. Not only do I not want admiration to lead to jealousy, but I also don’t want to find myself feeling smug about an issue they're dealing with. However, I’m sure some people use a comparison with their friends to get them motivated or avoid making a similar mistake. What about you? Where do you stand when it comes to making comparisons between your and your friends’ romantic lives?

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Dear Poll: Do You Believe That Opposites Attract?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 16:00:00 -0700

I’m sure we’ve all heard that opposites attract adage. It's true that I’ve seen my share of people come together who seem like polar opposites, but for the most part, people seem to be attracted to people they can talk to about similar interests and experiences. I may not find this particular dating rule of thumb true, but do you?

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You Asked: He Gets Mean When He's Drunk

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am currently dating a guy who lives a couple of states away from me. I've known him about nine months, and I really like him. He is sweet and very mature, but for the past two months he's been calling me completely drunk, and acting very hurtful on the phone. We've spent a lot of time in person together, and I've seen him drink before, but he's never been mean like this. In fact, usually he's exceptionally sweet.

But now I feel like I'm seeing a totally different side of him. One minute he's cursing at me, and the next minute he's telling me how strong his feelings are for me. The last time it happened he started crying - which is very out of character - and told me that even though he loves me, he can't be with me. We come from two different religions, and in his drunken stupor he mentioned that he didn't think his parents would accept me.

I don't want to break up with him; I really care about him. Honestly, he rarely drinks, so it's very strange that he's been calling me like this. What is wrong with him? What can I do to make this better?

- Befuddled Bella

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Befuddled Bella,

From what you've told me, it sounds like your boyfriend is struggling with his feelings for you versus his family's desire that he be with someone of a the same religion. While getting drunk and saying hurtful things is not an appropriate way of handling this issue, I don't think it comes from a vindictive place. The first step in making things work is discussing the real issue - your clashing religious views.

Obviously he has a difficult time talking about this, so I think next time you're on the phone with him you should just be direct and bring it up. Point out how his drunken phone calls leave you feeling and segue from there. Hopefully this is something you can overcome, but if not, it's better to at least try before you walk away without a real conversation. In any case, these drunken phone calls need to stop, so instead of just listening, it's time to speak up!

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The How-To Lounge: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

DearSugar — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 14:00:00 -0700

There’s nothing like comparing yourself to someone else to completely illuminate your insecurities. Whether you’re knocking their choice of boots or feeling particularly envious of them - most of us admit to the up-down glance - by sizing them up against yourself, you’re only serving to further your own worries and self-doubt. So check out my tips on how to free yourself from this possibly detrimental habit and read more.

Ditch the competitive streak for a while. Although the desire to be better than someone else can be extremely motivating, it can also put you in the position of feeling unsatisfied with yourself no matter what you achieve. In a world filled with 6 billion people, you'll always be able to find someone "better" than you so try to keep things relative.
Instead of focusing on everyone else, turn all that attention to yourself. Consider your own accomplishments and pat yourself on the back. Running for 20 minutes might mean nothing to the girl on the treadmill next to you, but that doesn't mean that it's not impressive in your book.
Jealousy is a lot easier than change. Turn your envy into emulation. While it might be second nature to compare yourself to someone else, learn from them instead.

It's so much easier to stay positive when you don't feel that irrational need to measure yourself against someone else, so do your best to fight the urge!

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What Would You Change About Your Relationship With Dad?

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Through the course of our lives, it’s amazing how many times our relationships with our dads will change. And somewhere along the way they can become anywhere from the person we trust most to the person we get along with least. It’s a rough road - what relationship doesn't come with its challenges? - and even in the best father-daughter relationship, nothing is perfect. With Father's Day just a few days away, I want to know what you would change about your relationship with your dad if you could, or would you want to change nothing at all?

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Dear Poll: Do You Find It Harder to Make Friends With Men or Women?

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Ever since I abandoned the tomboy ways of my youth, I’ve always been the type of woman to be surrounded by more female friends than male. However, in recent years I’ve noticed that making new girlfriends seems close to impossible, while my circle of guy friends has continued to expand. Though my closest friends will always be women, I find it considerably easier to make male acquaintances. What about you?

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This or That: You're in Love With Her Man or Can't Stand Him?

DearSugar — Fri, 23 May 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Your roommate has been gushing about the new guy she’s been dating for a couple of weeks. She hasn’t said much about him except that she’s smitten so you’re really excited to meet him when she brings him to a group get-together. The moment they get there, and you see him for the first time, you’re absolutely shocked since it turns out that you already know him. Would it be worse if…

This: You’ve had a secret crush on him for years? He’s your ideal guy in every way but he’s always had a girlfriend, which has always broken your heart. Apparently the new heartbreaker is your roommate.

Or . . .

That: You absolutely cannot stand him? He was one of those guys that you vowed never to spend another moment talking to if you could help it. He’s pompous, mean, and now, dating your roommate.

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