TresSugar

Too Much Information?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Matthew McConaughey's mom is trying to ride on her famous son's coattails with her new book I Amaze Myself! In it, she divulges some pretty personal information about her family, including the fact that Matthew was an accident and that her husband died while they were having sex. She even goes as far as saying "I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey - and his gift" when talking about how he was taken out of their house in the buff!

The McConaughey's are clearly a free-spirited family, but I wonder how Matthew feels about his mom dishing all their family secrets? I know that I'd be pretty upset, not to mention embarrassed, but what about you? Even though what she's saying may be the truth, are some things, especially as personal as these, better left unsaid?

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Helping a Grieving Friend

DearSugar — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 11:00:00 -0700

We have all been through sad times in our lives, experiencing a death in your family, the death of a pet or close friend, or a boyfriend. Even when it's expected, it's never easy to come to terms with life's roller coaster ride. Having a friend there to support you can make a world of difference, so what are you to do when you're one of those friends? Here are some helpful tips to keep in mind when you're supporting a friend who is experiencing a loss.

Be there for them, but don't bother them. Give them a simple phone call to let them know you are thinking of them and let them know you're ready to spend time with them when they are ready.
Send them a condolence card or flowers (if it's appropriate). If you know your friend's family, and they are grieving as well, send them a card too. Everyone appreciates the kind thoughts.
If your friend does want to see you, let them feel free to express their emotions and thoughts openly. Let them cry, be angry, upset, or quiet. Just listen and be there to offer emotional support in anyway they may need it.
Talk about the loss in a natural way. Don't avoid the topic and don't bring it up too much either. Sharing memories, even if they are sad, will help in the healing process.

Want to know what else you can do? Then read more

It's nice to let them know you understand how sad they are. You can bring up a past experience you've had losing someone, but I wouldn't talk about it too much. Remember that this is about your friend's loss, and not about yours.
Try and be helpful with their everyday needs. Bring them food, offer to run errands, clean their house, make phone calls for them, offer to watch their pets or children - your friend will really appreciate you helping with the things they may not have the energy or time to do.
Go to the funeral even if they say it isn't necessary. Seeing a friendly and caring face will make them feel better.
Be patient with them and give them time to grieve. It may take several days or weeks until they're ready to talk or see you. Just be understanding and let them have as much time and space as they need.

I hope this helps if the time ever comes. Feel free to share your tips too, since we all want to do what we can to help a friend in need.

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You Asked: Why Am I Still Mourning?

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been divorced for about five years, and almost three years ago, my ex passed away. It was very sudden and my two kids were at home with him the morning it happened and I was lucky enough to make it over to his house just in time to say goodbye. I have been in a relationship with someone ever since my divorce, but lately I find myself missing my ex more and more everyday, some days I get almost to a depressed state because I miss him so much. I think about him all the time and he's often in my dreams. I don't understand why I am feeling all of these emotions now when he died so many years ago. Do you have any advice? - Mourning Maura

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Mourning Maura,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Grieving someone's death is a different process for everyone, so still feeling pain three years after his passing is by no means abnormal. Since you were present with your children when he passed, something tells me you pushed your emotions down inside in order to be strong for your kids but no matter how hard you try to mask your feelings, they won't go away.

You and your ex-husband obviously had a very special bond so just because you've moved on doesn't mean you can't miss him or lament his death. The only advice I can offer you is to give in to your sorrow - feel your pain and be sad if that's what your body and mind is telling you to do. The sooner you face your feelings head on, the sooner you'll be able to process them. Talk about your emotions too. Lean on your friends and family for support and try to focus on celebrating his life. Although these tips are much easier said than done, remember that time will also be a great healer for you. My heart goes out to you and your family and I wish you all the best.

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Women Worry That Obama Is Throwing Them Under the Bus

TresSugar — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:42:32 -0800

Back in January, feminist magazine Ms. hailed Barack Obama as a super feminist. But the president's recent tepid response to protecting abortion rights might mean that the love affair with Obama is about to end for many women. Over at the Daily Beast, women's rights activist Amy Siskind argues that the Stupak amendment, which treats women's rights as a political bargaining chip that can be traded for healthcare reform, is just one more example of how Obama couldn't care less about women . . . except when he's trying to win their votes of course. She writes:

He appointed fewer women into his cabinet than President Bill Clinton. He surrounded himself with czars, more than 90 percent of whom are male. He appointed Larry Summers, of "girls are inferior in math and science" fame, to a key economic post. He played basketball, golfed and fished with men and men only. He had beers with Skip Gates, but ignored it when Rihanna was almost strangled to death. And so on.

Of course it's not all bad. Ms. released a report chronicling the giant strides Obama made for women during his first 100 days in office. These actions included: signing the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, instituting a new ambassador-at-large for global women's issues, establishing the White House Council on Women and Girls, and overturning the "global gag rule" in order to re-fund global family planning organizations.

Has the Obama administration let you down when it comes to women's rights?

Family Demands Wal-Mart Pay For Death of Employee - Fair?

LibertySugar — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 03:00:25 -0800

The family of the Wal-Mart worker killed by a stampede of shoppers has filed a wrongful death lawsuit, claiming that Wal-Mart "created an atmosphere of competition and anxiety" that led to "crowd craze." Considering that a young man died in the Black Friday frenzy, that much seems true -but should Wal-Mart have to pay for that death?

The family thinks so, and in the lawsuit they argue that Wal-Mart "engaged in specific marketing and advertising techniques to specifically attract a large crowd and create an environment of frenzy and mayhem and was otherwise careless, reckless and negligent." The family also claims that the store did not provide reasonable security.

Regardless of who's ultimately responsible, it's unbelievably sad that a stampede caused by discounts resulted in a man's death.

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70,000 Women a Year Die From Unsafe Abortions

TresSugar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0700

After three years of research, the New York-based Guttmacher Institute has concluded that although contraceptive use has lowered the number of abortions worldwide, unsafe abortions still account for a staggering 70,000 deaths a year, particularly in the developing world. More than half the deaths are in sub-Saharan Africa, a region with the lowest rates of contraceptive use and the highest rates of unintended pregnancies.

"In much of the developing world," said the Institute's president Sharon Camp, "abortion remains highly restricted, and unsafe abortion is common and continues to damage women's health and threaten their survival."

The report calls for easing developing nations' abortion laws, citing that laws banning or restricting abortion don't keep it from happening, they just make abortion unsafe and either self-induced or performed by unskilled people in any unhygienic conditions.

The Guttmacher Institute's recommendations: expand access to family planning and modern contraceptives and to legal and safe abortion, and improve the coverage and quality of post-abortion care.

Their recommendations have been criticized by Deirdre McQuade, a policy director for the US Conference of Catholic Bishops' Secretariat for Pro-life Activities who also castigates priests or nuns who make referrals to family planning services, which she says veers from church policy. "We need to be much more creative in assisting women with supportive services," she said, "so they don't need to resort to the unnatural act of abortion."

Group Therapy: Supporting a Grieving Loved One

Tue, 16 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend's very close family member is dying. He is going to see her soon, but it is close to the end. Sadly, he's already seen a lot of his older family members in the same situation. He is the type who holds his feelings in and handles them privately, but I can tell he is suffering. I'm trying to give him time alone without pressuring him to talk, but I feel like I should show some more support even though it's his nature to withdraw.

No one close to me has ever died so I have no experience with this. What's the best way to support him while he is grieving? What should I say? What shouldn't I say?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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You Asked: Should I Forgive Her Insincere Apology?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,
My old college roommate asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding six months ago, and I agreed. Unfortunately, three weeks ago, her mother has passed away unexpectedly. It has been hard on everyone, but especially difficult for the maid of honor; the bride's best friend and a college friend of mine. She's acted as the liaison between the grieving bride-to-be and all her friends. In the time since, the maid of honor expressed in an email to me that she was unhappy with the back seat I took during the grieving period. When I called her and told her I wasn't that close to the bride and I didn't think it was appropriate to get more involved than I already was, she got very upset, started to cry, and told me that perhaps I don't deserve to be in the wedding at all.

She has since emailed to apologize for that comment, but deep down, I know she isn't sorry. While I know this isn't her wedding or her decision, her words were still very hurtful. I know I have to at least keep up appearances through the wedding, but I don't know I can or should forgive her beyond that. Do you have any advice? - Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca,

It sounds to me like the maid of honor let the stress of everything get the best of her, and unfortunately, you got the brunt of it. I'm sure the bride is experiencing overwhelming emotion right now - the sadness of her mother's death mixed with the excitement of her upcoming wedding - but if you feel you did your part to express your condolences and be there to support her, there's not much more you could have done. Sure, there's a chance she told the maid of honor that she was disappointed you didn't take on a bigger role during this tragic time in her life, but you're right, that's between you and her. If you're concerned that could be a possibility, I suggest confronting her ASAP. Let her know again how sorry you are for her loss and ask her if there's anything else you can do.

Once things settle down, I have a feeling this misunderstanding will become a distant memory, but if not, it's completely your decision if you want to end the friendship after the wedding. I wish you luck in whatever decision you make, but remember, we can all say and do things out of character under times of stress - something you might want to keep in mind.

Source

New York Times Traces First Lady's Slave Roots

TresSugar — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:00:00 -0700

The New York Times ran a captivating historical piece today about a six-year-old slave named Melvinia. The paper traces her family's five-generation journey from slavery to modern success.

It's a fascinating American story that just so happens to be part of first lady Michelle Obama's story, too. Using old public records, fading photos, and recollections of older family members, the New York Times, along with genealogist Megan Smolenyak, have uncovered Melvinia's story, which fully connects the first lady to the history of slavery for the first time.

To see an excerpt from the piece, read more.

In 1850, the elderly master of a South Carolina estate took pen in hand and painstakingly divided up his possessions. Among the spinning wheels, scythes, tablecloths and cattle that he bequeathed to his far-flung heirs was a 6-year-old slave girl valued soon afterward at $475. In his will, she is described simply as the “negro girl Melvinia.” After his death, she was torn away from the people and places she knew and shipped to Georgia. While she was still a teenager, a white man would father her first-born son under circumstances lost in the passage of nearly two centuries.

In the annals of American slavery, this painful story would be utterly unremarkable, save for one reason: This union, consummated some two years before the Civil War, marked the origins of a family line that would extend from rural Georgia, to Birmingham, Ala., to Chicago and, finally, to the White House.

Melvinia Shields, the enslaved and illiterate young girl, and the unknown white man who impregnated her are the great-great-great-grandparents of Michelle Obama, the first lady.

To many, Michelle's family story powerfully represents African-American advancement. But her mixed background is also representative of Americans in general, as Henry Louis Gates, Jr. explored in his definitive documentary on genealogy called African American Lives. A historian who discovered that he had black relatives when he researched his memoir tells the New York Times: "We’ve all mingled, and we have done so for generations."

Front Page: Indonesia Hit Hard By Second Quake

TresSugar — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 08:00:07 -0700

After a second major earthquake hit Indonesia today, following Wednesday's 7.6 quake, the death toll has reached at least 529. - Washington Post
Communist China is marking its 60th anniversary today. - AP
A top official military journal has made an unprecedented call for the end of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." - New York Times
Both the White House and the family of a Chicago teenager whose beating death was caught on tape are calling attention to the incident with hopes that it will prevent other tragedies. - CNN
London's Tate Museum has pulled a nude photo of Brooke Shields because it was warned that it might violate child pornography laws. - UK Guardian