TresSugar

You Asked: Can I Save Our Christmas?

DearSugar — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I are hosting Christmas dinner this year, but I'm feeling very uncomfortable for the following reason. This past year, the relationship between my six siblings and mother has become very fractured for a number of reasons, but mostly because my mom and eldest sister create too much toxic drama. Some of the siblings are fed up, and don't want to come to Christmas unless I can 100 percent guarantee that my mom and sister won't be there. I seem to be the only one concerned that the young children are able to see each other, so I invited everyone; it's Christmas after all!

I did an evite so that everyone could see who's coming, but no one is responding. What should I do at this point? I've been preparing for 20 guests but at this point it might just be my husband and me. What should I do? - Disappointed Dede

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Dear Disappointed Dede,

While your siblings say they don't want to be around your mom and eldest sister because they are too dramatic, they're just adding more fuel to the fire by not RSVPing. The holidays are supposed to be about family, but there's really not much else you can do to get everyone together. You've already offered your home -which was very gracious. If I were you, I'd call each of them and ask if they plan on attending, and leave it at that. I understand that you're trying to be the ring leader, but the outcome is out of your hands. Hopefully, everyone will be willing to put their differences aside for one day, but if you do end up spending the holiday alone with your husband, know that you did your part to keep the peace. Happy Holidays.

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You Asked: How Can I Afford Christmas This Year?

DearSugar — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I'm the oldest of four children and am currently living at home with my parents to save money, get out of debt and get back on my feet. I'm on a budget and suggested a spending limit on sibling gifts this year. It's not that I'm trying to be a Scrooge, but there is only so much I can realistically spend on each person on my list without going into more debt. I suggested a limit of $20 to $30 and was shot down by all my siblings. I would be happy to receive a new sweater or a gift card somewhere, nothing extravagant, but my siblings seem to think otherwise. One sister even went as far to say that she "wasn't flying home to get a $20 Christmas gift" (she is currently making nearly double my salary). Aside from now wanting to give her $40 worth of coal for Christmas, I don't know what to do.

While I don't want to look like the cheap one at Christmas, I don't want to put myself in an uncomfortable financial situation either. Do you have any suggestions? I want to get something nice for my family without getting dirty looks under the Christmas tree. - The Responsible One Olivia

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Dear The Responsible One Olivia,

I commend you for being realistic about your holiday gifts, and rest assured Olivia, you're not the only one having to cut back this year. With that said, it sounds like your sisters just don't understand the predicament you're in. I highly advise you not to give into their pressure; stick to your budget regardless of the looks you might get on Christmas day.

There are many ways you can do nice things for your family on the cheap. Write them a heartfelt card, give them something of yours that they've always wanted, or make some edible gifts!

Sure, it's fun to open presents on Christmas, but this holiday is really about being with your loved ones. Though it might make for a new kind of celebration, your sisters are just going to have to roll with the punches - they might be disappointed, but going into debt over their lack of understanding just isn't worth it.

Source

You Asked: My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Fat

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I entered a relationship with my current boyfriend while I was recovering from a long-term eating disorder. I never really went into detail with him, but I did tell him I was gaining weight to be healthier. I went from 80 pounds at five feet, one inch at the very beginning of our relationship to 92 pounds now. He never said anything negative about the gain - he actually said I was looking better. But earlier this week, we were in the shower together and he told me I would look better if I lost a couple of pounds.

I was incredibly hurt and could hardly speak to him for a while. I eventually explained my situation and told him that losing weight would be dangerous to my health (I gave myself a heart condition). He took what he said back and told me not to lose any weight and told me that he loves me the way I am, but I can't help but realize he's just putting aside his initial reaction to make sure I don't hurt myself. How do I handle this? - Healthy Weight Heidi

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Dear Healthy Weight Heidi,

Let me first say that you're doing the right thing for your body by gaining the weight and living a healthier lifestyle - I don't need to tell you how much long-term damage you could do by succumbing to an eating disorder. I also commend you for being honest with your boyfriend. I know it must have been hard to open up about such a personal issue.

With that said, I think the only way to move on from your boyfriend's statement is to talk it out with someone. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him, confide in a girlfriend, your family, or a therapist. Confidence plays a huge role in eating disorders so it's important not to let him make you feel insecure - I'm sure you look amazing just the way you are!

We all say things we don't mean sometimes and I know the damage has already been done, but if you hold on to his hurtful words, it'll just make things worse. Decide if you want to forgive him, and talk about your concerns with your loved ones. An eating disorder won't go away overnight, so lean on your loved ones for support and keep well.

Source

You Asked: My Boyfriend Doesn't Believe in Himself

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend just graduated from college last Spring and is taking some time off. Right now he's taking community college classes and deciding what direction he wants to go with his life (grad school, career, etc). His parents are more than fine with supporting him - he's worked really hard, and deserves a break - so he can avoid jumping into something he hates. Unfortunately, he doesn't see it that way. He feels lazy and wants to get a job to occupy his time, but all of the jobs that seem interesting don't respond to him (it's a tough job market right now).

I try to tell him that he should take this time to pursue stuff he loves and that something amazing will come eventually, but there's only so much I can say without sounding like a broken record. I've also tried to help him find jobs (he does freelance website design, so I've gotten him a few clients) but once again, there's only so much that I can do. He's down a lot and I feel down when I can't cheer him up. What can I do?

- Cheering Him Up Chelsea

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Dear Cheering Him Up Chelsea,

The time between graduation and before you jump into the professional world is extremely confusing and scary. In school there's a very clear path to follow, but once you reach the end, the sudden lack of direction can leave a person feeling inadequate and lost. But eventually most people find their way, especially if they're capable and hardworking.

For now, it certainly sounds like you're doing everything you can to support him even though I'm sure this is hard on you too. If I were you, I'd recommend that he start applying for internships in any of the fields he might be interested in. Not only are they a great way to discover if a particular job might be for him without the commitment of an actual paying job, but they'll keep him busy and help him build a resume, which could perk up his mood quite a bit. For someone with parents willing and able to support them, internships are a great way to make the jump from student to employee.

As far as grappling with his bleak mood in the meantime, keep doing what you're doing. Though the practical stuff is important, don't be afraid to remind him of how much he matters to you as a boyfriend, career aspirations aside. With that said, a jolt of tough love never hurt anyone. Sometimes people need a reminder that things could be worse, and trust me, in his case, they certainly can. And for sanity's sake, you both need to remember this situation is only temporary. Remind yourself of that every day if you have to and help him do the same.

Source

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I'm Happy, But Not Sexually Pleased

E Jean Carroll — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:30:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend, a perfect gentleman, two years. In the beginning everything seemed wonderful; and things are still great except for the sex. We just can’t get it right these days. Either we have sex and it ends in disaster (over too quickly), or we make no attempts to do it at all.

I mean he tries to make "moves," but I usually reject him because I’m no longer turned on (mainly because I know how fast it will be over.) I can count on a few fingers the times I’ve had an orgasm with him in this two-year relationship! Aside from the sex we’re pretty fabulous together. He wants me to be happy; but I’m starting to feel desperate. We plan to marry next year! - Pleased, But Not Satisfied

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

But Not, My Blossom,

My God! Has the man never heard of oral sex? Give him Dr. Ian Kerner’s She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and hold a vibrator to his head until he reads the entire chapter called, "The Tongue Is Mightier than the Sword." After that ask him what he likes. It’s time you both develop sexy curiosity and open minds.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

You Asked: I'm Getting Depressed About Being Unemployed

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just finished my master's in May and I still can't find a job. I am in the education field and I live on Long Island, where jobs are hard to find. My boyfriend and I have an apartment together, and he is working a lot to keep us afloat. We have considered relocating for my sake but figured we would allow some time first. Money aside, I am having a really hard time dealing with being unemployed. I am feeling sad over the fact that my boyfriend is overworked and has to basically support me. I feel like all of the time and money I spent on my education is not paying off. I have a part-time job, I work evenings, so I spend most of the day at home and then miss my boyfriend because he has a day job. At first, I took advantage of getting myself organized and continuing my job search, but now I have a hard time getting out of bed and feel like there is no purpose to my day. I know that I am depressed. I would love to have some input on how I can get out of this slump and get on with things. - Desperate Davida

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Dear Desperate Davida,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding a job. We are living in a crazy time right now, so try not to be too hard on yourself - there are a plethora of people in your exact situation. For some advice on the career front, check out this advice from my friend SavvySugar; hopefully she'll be of some help. In the meantime, I have a few suggestions myself.

While I don't blame you for feeling guilty that your boyfriend is working extra hard while you look for a job, try to keep it all in perspective. It doesn't sound like he's miserable doing it, so just be appreciative! I'm sure it makes him feel good to be able to help you, and if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you do the same for him?

Since you are working opposite schedules as your boyfriend, I recommend looking for a new part-time job during regular business hours. Not only will it give a purpose to your day and time with your boyfriend, but getting back in the routine of going to work everyday, no matter what the job is, will make the transition that much easier when you find a full-time job. Since relocating is potentially an option, why don't you give yourself a time frame? If you can't find a job in six to eight months, send your resume out in cities where you could see yourself living.

I know it's probably really disheartening to think all your hard work isn't paying off, but in time, I have faith that it will. Be patient with yourself, let your boyfriend take care of you for a while, and make sure you communicate with him. Perhaps just talking it out will relieve you of the guilt you feel. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: His Roommate Is Affecting Our Relationship

DearSugar — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Last Summer my boyfriend moved in with one of his friends. We are both very busy and usually see each other on the weekends. Most of the time I sleep at his place but things have been strange lately; it seems like my boyfriend's friend is jealous of the relationship we have. He constantly tags along and recently he has been making me feel really uncomfortable by pulling my boyfriend aside to talk to him when I am there or bringing up conversations while intentionally leaving me out of them.

I addressed my feelings with my boyfriend, and he feels that he is in an awkward spot between his girlfriend and his friend. He agrees that he's being rude but he won't make an effort to express that to him. Is it wrong to be angry at my boyfriend for his lack of support? Should I step in and address this problem myself? I just don't know what to do, but it's certainly wearing on our relationship.

- Pushed Aside Alyssa

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Dear Push Aside Alyssa,

In my own experience, I've found that men are very strange when it comes to their friends in relation to their girlfriends. There a certain unspoken rules that really shouldn't be broken, and one of those seems to be about confronting each other about problems, but since this is affecting your relationship, the problem does need to be addressed. You did everything right by asking your boyfriend to speak with his friend on behalf of the both of you, but just because he feels stuck in the middle, it doesn't mean he gets to skip out on handling the issue. I would simply tell your boyfriend that you think it will make things far more awkward if you have to say something yourself, but you will if he doesn't.

If he continues to put up a fuss, try to coach him through the conversation. He should be able to get the point across to his friend without actually saying anything directly. He could just mention that he needs some alone time with his girl; it really can be that simple, or when a conversation comes up that completely excludes you, your boyfriend can do his part to loop you in. If he does it enough, his friend will get the hint!

Source

You Asked: How Can I Know if He's Cheating?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and two months. He's a wonderful man, but I've been noticing some strange things that lead me to believe that he might be cheating on me. For example, he doesn't want me to see his phone, and before he used to have a picture of me on his phone wallpaper, but suddenly he has a picture of himself instead.

Just yesterday we were at the beach having a great time when he decided to check his voicemail. I was close enough that I could hear the messages, which were clearly left by another woman - he just smiled while he listened. I have no problem with him having female friends, but what was particularly off-putting was that when he was done listening, he said, "It was the guys." I've known my boyfriend long enough to have built a wall of trust between us, but all these little things lead me to think that maybe he might be cheating. He says he loves me very much, but I'm starting to doubt him. Does this mean that he is cheating on me or will be soon?

- Doubting Darla

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Dear Doubting Darla,

I wish I could tell you with certainty whether or not your boyfriend is cheating on you, but obviously I can't. I will say, however, that if you've been dating for over two years and you're suddenly feeling uncomfortable about certain things, don't ignore your instincts. Regardless of whether or not he's engaging in any kind of intimate relationship outside of your own, there's something about his behavior that's making you feel insecure. And sudden insecurity in an otherwise healthy relationship is definitely a red flag.

Ask your boyfriend what's going on; you don't have to accuse him of cheating, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell him that for the first time in your relationship, you're doubting his honesty. Once you confront him, your boyfriend can handle it one of four ways: he can offer a completely reasonable explanation; he can tell you that you're imagining things; he can get defensive; or he can admit to doing something behind your back. Unfortunately, aside from the last, none of these offer a 100 percent guarantee of truth, but I do think you can use his reaction to get a better sense of things. In the end, my best recommendation is to follow your instincts; usually there's a reason they're trying to tell you something.

Source

You Asked: Am I Overreacting Here?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

One of my oldest friends lives in another city. He recently came down to visit me and it was a great reunion with one small problem: he’s turned into a major pothead. He’s always enjoyed his weed, and although I don’t smoke pot, I don’t mind if he does on his own time. But when he visited, he proceeded to get high in my apartment multiple times a day.

I feel uncomfortable about all of this. I don’t like my house to smell like marijuana and I’m a little hurt that my dear friend couldn’t just enjoy our time together without having to be high. Plus, I just think it’s overall rude. I didn’t say anything (aside from a request to open the windows so that my apartment wouldn’t smell) because I do value our friendship and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable in my home, but it concerns me that he can’t go even a few hours without smoking and that our time together pretty much went to his habit. Am I overreacting? - Smoke Free Freda

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Dear Smoke Free Freda,

No, I don't think you're overreacting in the slightest, but I'm a bit confused as to why you didn't say anything to him. Though you didn't want him to feel uncomfortable in your home, he in turn made you uncomfortable in your home!

Now that he's gone, I would call him and have a little chat about his recent visit. Don't patronize him or attack him in any way, just voice your frustration and let him know how hurt you are that he got high every day while you were together. If you feel this is a bigger problem than just using while on vacation, you might want to bring that to his attention as well, but use a caring and loving tone so he doesn't act defensive.

Though you don't mind that he smokes marijuana on his own time, it clearly affected your time together. It sounds to me like he took advantage of your carefree attitude and disrespected the rules of your home. Hopefully he'll be able to see where you're coming from and apologize for his selfish behavior so you can put this past you and move on with your friendship. But Freda, the next time you see each other, make sure you come to an understanding of what the weekend will entail. I hope this helps!

Source

You Asked: Should I Try to Fall in Love With Him Again?

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my current boyfriend for about four years. We have lived together for three, and until recently things have been great. He works full time and goes to school full time. He has always had about a month-long period before Summer break where he is completely stressed out. In the past, he would tell me he needs his space during that time because he is grouchy and irritable. Over the last few months, he has been this way again, but he won't discuss it with me - he has basically shut me out. I have made multiple attempts to tell him I don't feel loved or "in love" anymore but nothing changes.

I have basically moved on and started to do my own thing. I am going out with friends and having a great time. Now that he is out of school for the Summer, he wants things to be back to normal. He realizes that he may be losing me, and he's scared. He has done a complete turnaround and it bothers me. I'm not holding a grudge, but I can't let his behavior go. I feel like something is missing from our relationship, and I have been meeting new people and seeing a lot of other possibilities out there. Should I stick it out and try to "fall in love" with him again or just move on? I want to remain his best friend as he's mine but I'm not happy.

- Sparkless Skylar

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Dear Sparkless Skylar,

I hate to say it, but it's not uncommon for relationships to go through difficult months - some marriages go through difficult years! While treating someone badly under any circumstances isn't right, you admit that your boyfriend doesn't deal with stress well, and yet, it's only this most recent term when you've found yourself moving on emotionally. Perhaps this isn't a problem in your relationship - that he's unavailable for a month - but rather you're just realizing that your time together has run its course. And that's OK.

As hard as it may be to walk away from a four-year relationship, you shouldn't feel that you have to force yourself to try to fall in love with someone again. As long as you're truly ready to put your relationship aside then it's perfectly healthy to explore other possibilities. But now that he's communicating again, you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to explain to him (again) what you're going through - be kind, but stay honest. Truthfully, it's unlikely that your friendship will be able to remain as it is now once you're no longer together, but it's more important that you be fair to yourself and him than stay just because you don't want to lose his friendship. Good luck.

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