TresSugar

You Asked: My Fiancé Is a Control Freak

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I have been together three years now and will be getting married in a month. I love him dearly - he is a generous and very strong man. I've been off work for almost five months because I've been struggling with depression. Before, I had been working as a graphic designer at the same company as my fiancé - he managed me on multiple projects. I was beginning to feel like I had my boss at work and at home so I quit. Since I've been home, I've started doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and housework and when my fiancé is home, he just plays video games.

When I first met him, he was a total slob and never picked up after himself; he's an only child who's used to having his mom do everything for him. I grew up in a big family where organization was mandatory. Needless to say, I like things clean. My fiancé makes almost triple what I did, plus he works long hours, so I don't expect him to come home and cook and clean - plus doing all the chores doesn't really bother me.

The problem is that even though he doesn't help out, he is constantly telling me how to do things down to the littlest detail, like how he likes his socks rolled and the order in which I wash the dishes! When I explain to him that I don't appreciate his nagging when I'm trying my best, he'll throw a tantrum and it ends up being my fault. I love him, but I'm feeling resentful. How can I fix this?

- In Need of Respect Rita

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear In Need of Respect Rita,

If your fiancé micromanaged you in your last job the way he does at home, it's no wonder you needed time off. Frankly, I don't care how many hours your fiancé works, he has no right to be so unappreciative and demanding when you're trying your best to keep the house in order without his help. He's acting like he's still the only child of the family! It's time to put those selfish desires behind him before he commits to being a husband, which is one member of an equal team.

You have to have a serious heart-to-heart before it's too late and this unacceptable behavior becomes an endless pattern. If he wants to yell at you and get upset then that's his choice, but you have to be able to speak your peace. Explain to him that you're happy to accommodate his ideas, but you need him to approach his requests in a much kinder and respectful manner. Obviously he's gotten used to this lifestyle, so it may take multiple conversations to make your point. Let him know that he's hurting you, and in turn putting your relationship in danger.

If this continues into your marriage, I highly recommend you seek therapy to combat it before your resentment takes over, which it inevitably will at this rate. Good luck.

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You Asked: My Husband Is Controlling

DearSugar — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been together for four years now, and we have a two-year old son. Our sex-life has changed, mainly because of me. I’m so tired most of the time because I spend more time with our son than my husband does. He's pretty controlling and he says he wouldn't be acting that way if I satisfied him more.

He has an issue with me going out with my friends. It doesn’t matter if they're male or female but whenever I want to go out, he’ll call me constantly wanting to know what I’m doing or if any other men have tried to talk to me.

He accuses me of having other men over to the house when he’s at work, but he’ll say that he’s only joking with me just to see what I say. He says he acts the way he does only because he cares.

I was in an abusive relationship back in college, and I noticed that some of my actions then are similar to my actions now. I'm really careful with who I talk to or make eye contact with. Things just feel really bad. We’ve been to counseling in the past, but we stopped going because he felt like the therapist was finding fault with him. (We went to the therapist because I found out that he was contacting his ex-girlfriend and almost cheated on me.) I just don't know what to do.

-So Unhappy Hannah

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Dear So Unhappy Hannah,

Your husband seems insecure and he's trying to control you as a way to feel better about himself and to feel more powerful. Controlling behavior is never okay, whether it is mental or physical. You should be able to live your life freely and not have to worry about someone telling you what you can and cannot do. Also, don't let him use lack of sex or "because he cares" as an excuse for his behavior. He is negatively affecting your life and things can only get worse.

The bottom line is that you can't trust him (he almost cheated on you?) and he treats you disrespectfully. He needs to get his jealous and abusive tendencies under control, and therapy is a great way to do that. Maybe you can help him find a new therapist that is a good match for him that is if he's willing to work on himself and this relationship.

What about your son? Do you want him to grow up seeing his father acting this way? I worry that your husband will start on him next. What if his controlling behavior turns into physical violence? Right now, you've got to do whatever is necessary to keep you and your son safe. If I were you, I'd move in with family or a close friend until your husband gets some help. You can also get more information or support by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. This isn't something you have to go through alone. I hope this helps.

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Tells Me What to Do

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 2 years. He is the breadwinner in our relationship and I am a full time college student. We live together and my "job" is to clean, do laundry, fix things around the house, cook...etc. Sometimes, though, I feel as though my boyfriend walks all over me. For instance, if I get distracted and don't do the laundry RIGHT when he wants it done, or clean the dishes RIGHT when he wants them clean, he puts me on a guilt trip and tells me I am making too many excuses. He tells me that I am wrong and that since it's "my job" to be doing these things, he feels like I am not living up to his expectations.

He has a problem with control and feels like he has to OWN me and CONTROL me. I constantly feel bad about myself with him because he's always correcting what I'm doing and making me feel like I am never good enough. He isn't abusive and he is very loving but he has a bad temper when I try to stand up for myself. He tells me that I am "being too defensive" or "putting up a wall between us." I don't feel equal to him and feel like a slave. He says he's right and since he's older than I am, he knows more about this stuff that I do (we're 9 years apart). His ways are very traditional and he believes in the typical "gender-roles."

We have a great relationship other than this but I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I'm being brainwashed. He sometimes says that I have it "too good" because I don't have a job but when I try to stick up for myself by saying, "well actually, i have college and family stuff to deal with everyday, as well as keep this house spotless to your liking and take care of you and myself to a T," he gets angry and tells me that those are "minor" and that he deals with things that are far more important everyday. Is there is something wrong with me for not seeing more of his side of the story?

--Cinderella Cynthia

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Dear Cinderella Cynthia--

Danger! Danger! It sounds like you have an extremely controlling boyfriend who sees you as his maid and NOT his girlfriend. Who cares that he has a "full time job" --- so do you - as a full time college student! May I add that in no way is it "your job" to also take care of him and your home -- all those responsibilities should be shared between the two of you.

If you don't work this out now, I fear that you are doomed to a life of being at his beck and call forever. Once you graduate and get a full time job, you think he'll all of a sudden think he needs to help out? No way! He'll say "well, you've been doing it all along and it's still your job." I would suggest that you try to talk to him about these gender roles he's set up, and tell him how unfair you think they are.

I know you said that every time you try to stand up for yourself he doesn't listen and just puts you down, but even though he's not harming you physically, verbally knocking someone down on purpose, and making them feel unimportant is a form of emotional abuse and is totally unacceptable! If you try talking to him about how his disrespectful attitude needs to stop, and nothing changes, I'd get out of this relationship immediately. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates how wonderful you are. Good luck.

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Birth Control Rises Among Muslim Women, Don't Tell the Men

TresSugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:00:10 -0800

Nothing in Islam forbids birth control, but like Christianity the religion does extol procreation. So as the pill becomes more accessible in Afghanistan - a country with a fertility rate of six children per woman - it's no surprise it's controversial. Now that many women have access to it, they are forced to take it behind their husbands' backs.

Afghanistan is not the only third-world country (or any-world country, really) where women hide birth control. The trend became apparent when a Double X writer traveled through Kenya this Summer and interviewed more than 100 women and 25 medical professionals about contraception use and women's health. One doctor said the number of women asking about contraception, without their husband’s knowledge, has increased from around 100 per year to 100 per month in just a year. Yet, there are still doctors who refuse to prescribe the pill (that happens in the US!), nurses who report its use to husbands, and conspiracy theorists who believe those promoting it are on the "Americans' payroll."

Consider the ramifications of a woman lying to her husband in a Muslim country, and this all sounds like a bittersweet victory. Yet it's not all that different from how the US spent the better part of the 20th century, when, even after the pill became legal in 1960, doctors refused to prescribe it, black nationalists believed it would lead to race suicide, and the women who did take it often did so in secrecy, behind their husbands' backs.

What's the Right Birth Control For You? Part One

DearSugar — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 08:00:05 -0700

There's been a lot of news about STIs lately. We all know it's important to protect yourself against disease, but it's also important to protect yourself against pregnancy if having a baby isn't part of your immediate plan. Maybe you already have a method that works for you, but in case you're unhappy and want to explore other options, I've put together a three-part series on finding the right method.

Want to see part one? Then read more

Method	Pros	Cons
Birth control pills	You only have to think about them once a day, and they monitor your period so you either always know when you're getting it or you can choose not to get it at all. They're 99 percent effective at preventing pregnancy.	Some people don't like the idea of taking hormones because of the possible side effects like blood clots and stroke. They may also decrease your sex drive, make you moody, or cause weight gain. Plus the pill does not protect you against STIs.
Male condoms	They're cheap ($5 for a 12 pack), you can buy them at most drugstores, they're easy to use, and they can protect you against STIs. They're also easily reversible, meaning that you can try getting pregnant as soon as you stop using them. All this and they're 98 percent effective at preventing pregnancy.	You have to stop what you're doing to put one on, which interrupts the flow of intimacy and can be a real turn off for some people.
Female condoms	They can protect against STIs better than male condoms since they cover your entire mucous membrane. They're made with polyurethane so they're great for people with latex allergies. You can also insert one up to eight hours before intercourse, so you don't have to interrupt intimacy by putting one on.	They're more expensive than male condoms ($10 for a 5 pack), and many women complain that they're harder to use and can be noisy.
The NuvaRing	You only have to think about it once a month. It's monophasic, meaning it delivers a steady amount of hormone consistently, which is great if other forms of hormonal birth control tend to make you moody. Plus it's 99 percent effective at preventing pregnancy.	It doesn't protect against STIs, and some men complain that they can feel it when they have sex with a woman. It's also been known to fall out.

These are just some of the methods that are available to women. Tune in tomorrow for part two!

The Très Bizarre History of Birth Control

TresSugar — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:00:30 -0700

From the Rythmeter to the IUD, birth control has come a long way over the years. But do you know how far? While condoms are a classic that date back thousands of years, there are many other methods that history - thankfully - forgot. Health has an endlessly fascinating look back at birth control's bizarre history, so I've culled some of my favorite facts. Take the quiz and see how much you know.

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Take the quiz

What's the Right Birth Control For You? Part Three

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Birth control can be really annoying, but if you're sexually active, it's necessary if you want to prevent yourself from becoming pregnant or contracting an STI. I've talked about some common forms of birth control and some less common forms, but there are still more options.

Want to see them? Then read more.

Method	Pros	Cons
The Shot	Once you get the shot, it'll prevent you from getting pregnant for three months, and it's 99.7 percent effective.	It's a shot so if you hate needles, this method isn't for you. Plus you have to go to your doctor's office to get it, and some women complain of irregular bleeding and weight gain. Also, if you're thinking about becoming pregnant, after your last injection, it can take six to 12 months to become fertile again. It also doesn't protect you against STIs.
Implanon	Once inserted, it'll prevent pregnancy for up to three years, and is 99 percent effective. Some women love it and experience no side effects.	It has to be surgically implanted by a doctor, and some women complain of irritation, burning, pain, or oozing where the implant was inserted or removed. Since it is a type of hormonal birth control, for all three years you could experience irregular bleeding, mood swings, depression, weight gain, acne, sore breasts, stomach pain, swelling in your ankles and feet, headaches, or nausea. It may be difficult to remove because thick scar tissue can form around the implant. To top it all off, this method doesn't protect you against STIs.
FAM (Fertility Awareness Method)	This is a great method if you are very aware of your cycle, and have the time to chart your daily morning temperature, the position of your cervix, and the feel of your cervical fluid, so you can figure out the exact day that you ovulate. This method helps a woman feel more in control, and if she knows what days she's most fertile, she can avoid unprotected sex.	This method can be really challenging, especially if you have irregular cycles. It takes a lot of effort, responsibility, and awareness of your body, and if you have a very short cycle (less than 26 days) there aren't many days where you're not fertile, so you'll end up needing another form of birth control like condoms.
Pull and Pray (not very effective but since people do use this method, I had to include it)	It's free, and if you're in a monogamous relationship and would be happy to be a mom then this method is great for you since many women have gotten pregnant this way.	Since pre-ejaculate can contain sperm, even if the man pulls out before he orgasms, some sperm can still be inside you, therefore you can easily become pregnant. This method won't protect you against STIs. Also, if your man has a hard time controlling his orgasms, he may end up ejaculating inside you before he gets a chance to pull out.

I hope you all found this information to be helpful. I know it may seem a bit monotonous but you can never be too informed!

Do Tell: How Much Do You Spend on Birth Control Each Month?

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 06:00:00 -0800

I'm grateful that we are lucky enough to have so many options when it comes to preventing pregnancy and the spread of STIs, but man, birth control isn't cheap! Some options are less expensive than others, but all in all, you still end up shelling out dough just so you can get it on! Whether it's you or your partner who pays for your protection, do tell, how much do you spend on birth control each month?

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Lybrel Birth Control Pills: No Period?

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 08:00:37 -0700

A while back, I discussed whether or not it was safe to get only four periods a year by using Seasonale birth control pills. It is safe, and here's why: When you take the week of sugar pills while on birth control, the period you get isn't a real period, since the hormones prevent you from ovulating and you're not releasing an egg. It's actually a pill period, and it is your body's reaction to the withdrawal of hormones. Having a pill period every month is just as safe as having one every three months.

OK, but what about having no periods at all? The birth control pill Lybrel is all over this idea. For the details, read more.

This low-dose combination birth control pill allows you to take it 365 days a year with no sugar pills, so you don't get any pill periods. Some women do experience unscheduled bleeding or spotting in the first six months (or longer) but for many, they'll take that over a monthly period any day. So is it safe to take hormones 365 days a year and never get your period?

Since the period you get while on the pill isn't a real period and is unnecessary, doctors feel that it's OK to get it once a month, every three months, or never at all. The FDA approved this pill in May 2007, but since this is a fairly new drug on the market, the long-term effects are unknown. In addition, cancer experts are concerned about the possible health risks of taking hormones continuously, since there are no long-term studies yet about whether it could cause breast cancer or other hormone-fueled tumors.

As with all methods of birth control, you have to choose the one that fits in with your needs and lifestyle. If not getting your period sounds like the best news ever, talk to your doctor about your questions and concerns. If unscheduled spotting and unknown long-term side effects don't bother you, then Lybrel could be your new best friend.

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Birth Control Pills: How Do They Compare?

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I don't know about you, but just about every woman I know has been on or is taking birth control pills. There are so many different brands out there and they all offer different amounts of hormones, so I made this handy chart to help you figure out which one may be right for you. These pills are combination pills, which means they contain a type of estrogen (ethinyl estradiol), and a type of progestin (levonorgestrel, desogestrel, norethindrone). The pills with the least amount of ethinyl estradiol tend to offer the least amount of side effects, and the ones that offer the same hormonal dosages each day (monophasic pills) will help to ease PMS symptoms (mainly mood swings). With so many different options out there, it's important to know what's actually in these pills, since every woman's body reacts differently to hormonal birth control. Check out my chart below:

Birth Control	Hormone Dosage
Alesse	.10 mg levonorgestrel and 20 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Brevikon	.5 mg norethindrone acetate and 35 mcg estrogen per pill
Cyclessa	Phase 1: .1 mg desogestrel and 25 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill Phase 2: .125 mg desogestrel and 25 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill Phase 3: 15 mg desogestrel and 25 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Jolessa	.15 mg levonorgestrel and 30 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Junel 21 Day	1.5 mg norethindrone acetate and 30 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Kelnor	1 mg ethynodiol diacetate and 35 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Loestrin 21	1 mg norethindrone acetate and 20 mcg estrogen per pill

Don't see yours on the list? To see the others, read more.

Birth Control	Hormone Dosage
Lybrel	.09 mg levonorgestrel and 20 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Nordette	.15 mg levonorgestrel and 30 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Orthro Tri-Cyclen	Phase 1: .18 mg norgestimate and 35 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill Phase 2: .215 mg norgestimate and 35 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill Phase 3: 25 mg norgestimate and 35 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Orthro Tri-Cyclen Lo	Phase 1: .18 mg norgestimate and 25 mcg ethinyl estradiol (type of estrogen) per pill Phase 2: .215 mg norgestimate and 25 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill Phase 3: 25 mg norgestimate and 25 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Reclipsen	.15 mg desogestrel and 30 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Seasonal	.15 mg levonorgestrel and 30 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Seasonique	.15 mg levonorgestrel and 30 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Solia	.15 mg desogestrel and 30 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Trivora-28	Phase 1: .5 mg levonorgestrel and 30 mcgethinyl estradiol per pill Phase 2: .075 mg levonorgestrel and 40 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill Phase 3: .125 mg levonorgestrel and 30 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Velivet	Phase 1: .1 mg desogestrel and 25 mcgethinyl estradiol per pill Phase 2: .125 mg desogrestrel and 25 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill Phase 3: .15 mg desogestrel and 24 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Yasmin	3 mg drospirenone and 30 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill
Yaz	3 mg drospirenone and 20 mcg ethinyl estradiol per pill

Pretty interesting information, huh? So ladies, if you're on the pill, which one works best for you?

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