TresSugar

You Asked: I'm Homesick; Should I Move Back?

DearSugar — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I know most people write in and ask if they should move to be with their boyfriends; well I did, but now I'm having second thoughts. I lived in Indiana and moved to Arizona to be with my boyfriend. We were together a year long-distance before I moved. I love him, he treats me well and he is a great guy, but I am so homesick! I miss my family and friends terribly. I talk to him about moving back home, but he would never go back with me - he is from Indiana as well. It is wrong of me to think that he doesn't love me as much as I think he should because he wouldn't move back with me? We talk about marriage, and I want to be with him, but I'm just not happy here. Please help! - Homesick Hannah

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Homesick Hannah,

Picking up and moving across the country is a huge adjustment, so try not to be too hard on yourself for being homesick - I think anyone in your position would feel the same way, including myself. Since I don't know how long you've been there, I can only give you general advice. First off, if you don't have a job, get one. Having a purpose there will help you become more acclimated. You also need to give yourself time to adapt to your new surroundings: join a gym, find your new favorite sandwich shop, get to know your neighbors, etc. Once you've established a new routine, making friends will become a lot easier.

It sounds to me like you really love your boyfriend, but just because he doesn't share your same desire to live in Indiana, it doesn't mean he loves you any less. With that said, he should be sensitive of your unhappiness right now and willing to do his part to build a life together in Arizona, so if he's not in this with you, something has got to change. Keeping the lines of communication open is going to be crucial while you make this transition, but after giving it some time, if things still don't feel right, you need to do what's going to make you happy - with or without your boyfriend. This process won't happen overnight, so if you can tough it out for a little bit longer, hopefully all the pieces will fall into place. If not, I'm sure your friends and family will welcome you back home with open arms and you can at least know that you tried.

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Dear Poll: Have You Been in a Long-Distance Relationship?

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Long-distance relationships, or LDRs, seem to come up a lot around here. If you’ve been in one before, are currently in one now, or would never even consider one, it seems like everyone has some very specific feelings on the matter. I for one think long-distance relationships are very feasible, at least temporarily, but always challenging, too. With all the insight you ladies seem to have, I’ve never directly asked: Have you ever been in a long-distance relationship?

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Handle This: Your Boyfriend Wants a Stay-at-Home Wife

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

After a few great years together, you and your boyfriend have finally started talking more seriously about your future. You both want marriage and children, but it comes as surprise when he informs you that he expects his wife to run the household while he's at work.

You’re not against the idea of being a stay-at-home mom, but you currently like your job, and most of all you like the option of deciding what’s best for you. But he won’t budge, so how do you handle this?

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You Asked: We're Long Distance, So Who Should Move?

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met my now girlfriend in college. Shortly after meeting she left to study abroad, and I graduated and moved back home to Arizona. When she returned, we saw each other a few times and out of nowhere started talking on the phone. Here we are in a long-distance relationship three years later. In the beginning, I had anticipated moving back to LA, where she's from, but she ended up going to law school, so we put all talks on hold until she graduated.

About a year into our relationship, my father's start-up company took off and he asked me to come help him, giving me the title of VP and providing an ownership stake in the company. Since then, the company has continued to do very well and is now a multimillion dollar company. I absolutely love my job as it was always my dream to own my own business. My girlfriend recently got a job offer from one of the top firms in the nation, in California. She also received a job offer, although not quite as lucrative or with as good a company here in Arizona.

She wants to further her career and wants me to move out there. I have no job offer from any company in California, and I'm not really sure what I would do there. Outside of this little problem, our relationship is fantastic. I am sure that she is the one for me. I did tell her in the beginning that I would move out there, but so many things have changed since then. I'm not sure what to do now. Any advice?

- States Away Scott

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear States Away Scott,

From what you describe it sounds like you and your girlfriend have done a truly amazing job of balancing your relationship and your individual goals, even with the demands of being long distance. Now that you've hit the tipping point, it seems to me that you have two clear choices: You can move out to California and abandon your job or you guys can continue how you have been until something gives.

If you decide to pursue the former, beware of resentment issues that may to take root once you're in California. If you don't think that you can quell them, then I urge you to put off moving until you have another job or until you're ready to leave your current company. The same stands if your girlfriend decides to take that job in Arizona. You each need to be ready to make the move with confidence and the knowledge that if you're relationship doesn't work out, you won't have thrown away everything else.

Should you guys decide to stay in your respective states and maintain your relationship then I think it's time to discuss a long-term plan. It's true that neither of you can guarantee where you'll be emotionally or careerwise in another two years, but it's time to come up with a mutual goal and begin to work towards it together. And yes, it will take some compromises from both of you. If neither of you are willing to sacrifice then it may be time to consider whether or not you're truly in the right relationship.

Source

Dear Poll: Relaxing or Adventurous Honeymoon?

DearSugar — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Yesterday Honeymoon Fiasco Francesca asked me for advice on how she and her fiance could compromise on their honeymoon destination because she wanted to relax and he wanted to explore. Since I've never been married, I can only imagine how hard it must be to agree on where to go for your honeymoon, not to mention agreeing on everything that comes a long with planning a vacation. When the time comes for me to make such decisions, I'll be all for relaxing and getting pampered, but what about you? Would you prefer a relaxing or adventurous honeymoon?

To see all of our wedding coverage, check out IDoSugar.com.

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You Asked: My Husband Won't Disconnect From His Friends

DearSugar — Thu, 29 May 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm really bothered by the fact that my husband enjoys spending quality time with his single guy friends unannounced while he leaves me at home with the kids as if he's single. We've tried to compromise and organize a schedule where he can plan ahead to spend time with them, but for some reason we're not getting anywhere. When I want to do things as a family, he always invites his friends to tag along and expects me to tell him every time we do something as a family that I just want it to be us.

I end up getting upset when they tag along, and then when I try to let him know how I feel, he blows up in my face and gets defensive. I just wish he would make an effort to make plans for us instead of having me do all the work while he just goes with the flow. What's worse is that he sometimes acts like it's a chore to do something together. What do I do? Please point me in the right direction. What could I be doing wrong?

- Aggravated Ann

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Aggravated Ann,

There are multiple issues here, so I think trying to work on just one of them - you mention a schedule so he can spend time with his friends - isn't going to solve the overall problem, which seems to be his dependence on his friends. I completely agree that having some real family time is important, but obviously your husband is having a difficult time letting go of his bachelor ways.

Instead of getting frustrated when he asks if his friends can come along every time you plan something, head him off at the pass. Let him know that going forward he should assume that a family outing is just that: a family outing. However, compromise is key, so every once in a while, work together to come up with plans that involve his friends too: a BBQ, a volleyball game at the park, etc. Perhaps being so reliant on a schedule is actually deterring your husband from sticking to the "rules." Let him have his spontaneity. That doesn't mean he should just decide to leave without letting you know, but giving him a little more leg room might make him feel less trapped.

If you continue to run into these issues, I recommend speaking with a family counselor. Your husband's attachment to his friends over his family is definitely something that needs to change. Perhaps he's dealing with some fears of commitment that are showing themselves in this way. Either way it's important to handle it before your resentment becomes too much to bear for either of you.

Source

Relationship Protocol: His House or Yours?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you're not ready to share the same mailing address as your boyfriend, chances are you take turns spending time at each other's apartments. But when you're flip flopping houses, it's easy to feel the nag of living out of a bag. In every relationship, give and take is key, but it seems like every couple ends up spending more time at one person's place. So whether your place is bigger or his place is nicer, where do you spend most of your time: his place or yours?

Source

The How-To Lounge: "Sharing the Pants"

DearSugar — Wed, 07 May 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Though it’s true that some relationships work best when one person is making the big decisions and wearing the pants, so to speak, most relationships need an equal balance. Unfortunately, finding that balance is easier said than done, especially when both halves of the couple have strong personalities. To check out my tips for learning to share that responsibility, read more.

While most of us know how important compromise is in a healthy relationship, we tend to forget that it’s not something you can just do on a whim. In fact, it should be taking place constantly.
Take the time to acknowledge a smart choice that your partner has made, especially if it’s a decision that you didn’t initially feel great about. Offering praise when it's due is one of the best ways to keep up a positive balance in a relationship.
On that note, go ahead and pat each other on the backs for a job well done when you work through something difficult together. This way the hard times will always end with a hopeful and positive display of affection.
Arguments often become the forum for a person to exert control in a relationship, but our desire to “win” shouldn’t hurt our ability to come up with a solution to the problem. It’s important to learn how to just let it go, even it that means letting the other person have the final word.

As with all of the most valuable elements of building a relationship, learning to "share the pants" requires compromise from each party, so make sure that it’s something you’re both up for!

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Relocate For Him?

DearSugar — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. Everything is great with us and he is the first guy that I can definitely see myself spending my life with. The only problem is that he lives 40 minutes away from me (south) and I work 20 minutes north of where I live now. He's recently started to move forward with plans to build his dream house, just a few blocks from his current home, on family land. He's asked me to move in with him and while that sounds amazing, I'd have to drive an hour to work and another hour home (without factoring in traffic and/or potential accidents). He said he understands my point and knows a relationship is about compromise, but he isn't willing to build elsewhere.

I am a teacher and often have to stay late for various things during the school year, and at times, come in to catch up on the weekends, so living an hour away from work seems like a major headache. I even thought of finding a school closer to him, but I would have to take a $10,000 - $15,000 pay cut due to different state laws. Another con on my list is that my family and friends live an hour or more away from him. I brought this up and he said, "It's not like you will never see them. It's only an hour drive." I'm just so used to living in the city where everything is close and he has a more "country" mindset.

I love this man and want to spend my life with him, but I don't know what to do! I don't see myself living that far from work, family, and friends but I also don't see myself with anyone other than my boyfriend. Help!

Source

Dear Quiz: Are You a Pushover?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 08:00:00 -0800

Remember Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "I want it now, Daddy!" Sure, getting what you want is great in theory, but you probably end up with more enemies than friends with that kind of mentality. That's what compromise is for; however, some people compromise their own needs so often that they end up being considered more of a pushover than just easy going. Does this sound like you? Take this quiz to find out which side you fall on.

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Your roommate is late on her rent for the fifth month in a row. Now she asks if you can cover the utilities for her this month. What do you do?

You know she's broke so you oblige.

You give her the money, but tell her it has to be just this one time.

You tell her to pay or move out.

How hard is it for you to tell someone "no"?

If I don't want to do something, it's not difficult.

I find it very difficult.

It's not hard for me.

When you go out with friends, who makes the final plan?

I do; I'm the most decisive.

They do; I'd rather go where they feel comfortable.

It depends on the occassion.

After a long day at work, a co-worker asks you to stay late and help him with something. You have a dinner party to attend, but you say:

Of course, even though you're sure you'll miss dinner.

Fine, but you're leaving in twenty minutes whether or not it's done.

Sure, but he owes you dinner.

How do you feel about canceling on people?

I feel perfectly fine about it.

I'll only do it if I have to.

I avoid it, otherwise I'm plagued with guilt.