TresSugar

March Madness: Take It or Leave It?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 11:00:00 -0700

Guys and sports often go hand in hand, but it's sometimes fun to be a fair-weather fan, especially during March Madness. Who doesn't love a little friendly competition when there's so much possibility for surprises? Some women, though, like to let boys be boys - they'll gladly use that time to do their own thing - but I'm curious to know how many of you are actually interested in this college football mayhem. Will you be watching? Did you fill out a bracket? Or are you completely oblivious like I am?

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Relationship Protocol: What New Interests Have You Adopted?

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

As a relationship develops and your life begins to blend more with your significant other's, it’s likely you'll find your interests expanding to include some of his. At first it might just be a matter of exposure, but after a while his hobby can turn into yours, and vice versa. But the same goes for habits. I’ve seen plenty of night owls turn into morning people when dating a morning person or a health nut start appreciating the junk foods that her significant other loves. Ladies, what about you and your man? Have you guys picked up any of the other's habits or interests?

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When It Comes to Dating, Does Profession Matter?

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 10:00:00 -0800

I have a friend who loves kids and teaches first grade. She met this guy at a cafe, and even though she wasn't really attracted to him physically, she went on a date with him anyway as soon as she found out he was a teacher, too. Often dating someone you share passions with (as compared to dating someone because of their cute butt), can make for a more lasting relationship, and in this specific circumstance, it did!

So what about you? Do you date people based on their professions? Are there certain careers that you're attracted to, like artists or doctors? Are there certain professions that you view as red flags? Or does a person's job not really matter to you when it comes to dating?

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Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

Should the Media Stay Away From Michelle Obama's Heritage?

TresSugar — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0700

Yesterday, the New York Times ran a piece on Michelle Obama's connection to slavery. Using old public records, fading photos, and recollections of older family members, the New York Times, along with genealogist Megan Smolenyak, uncovered details that fully connect the first lady to the history of slavery for the first time. While the piece was captivating, some worry that it was not appropriate.

The issue of race in America's past and present is undoubtedly a sensitive subject. Many Americans, including African-Americans, want to celebrate the Obamas' path to the White House, and the story about Michelle Obama's slave roots helps shed light on just how far our society has come. In addition, the fact that Michelle's great-great-great-grandfather was white might remind this diverse country that we share a common past. Yet other people feel that the independent piece on her heritage violates her privacy or focuses on her race when the Obamas have made it clear that they want to move past it.

The first lady has declined to comment on the article due to its personal nature. Now that Michelle Obama is first lady, is it fair for the public to take an interest in her genealogy, or was this piece in bad taste?

Hump Day: My Boyfriend Is a One-Minute Man

TresSugar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"My boyfriend has premature ejaculation problems, and it's a little frustrating for me. As far as I know, he doesn't have any health problems. Is this psychological? Can I help him fix this?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

One of the challenges when talking about premature ejaculation is coming up with a common definition for it. Masters & Johnson defined it as when a man ejaculates before his (female) partner at least half of the time. Others have tried to define it as when he orgasms within two minutes of starting to have intercourse. That kind of definition works better in some ways, especially since many women don’t orgasm from intercourse. Ultimately, the “problem” of premature ejaculation rests on whether it causes concern for either person and since you’ve said that you’re finding it frustrating, that’s good enough for me.

There are a lot of potential causes of premature ejaculation, from the physical to the psychological. It can be caused by anxiety and stress, hormonal imbalances, prostate health issues, and relationship difficulties. With all of these possible reasons, some of which need a medical exam to detect, there’s no way for me to tell you what’s causing it for him. Having said that, there are some tips that I can offer you. Bear in mind that these assume that there aren’t any medical factors complicating the situation.

First off, anxiety is a common cause of both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, worrying about whether it’ll happen can make it happen, creating a self-fulfilling prediction. One of the best ways to address that is to widen your definition of what you consider sex and pleasure to be. If you can let go of the focus on intercourse and enjoy the buffet of sexual options, the worry tends to decrease. It can be really helpful to talk about how you might make that happen when you’re not having sex or just afterwards. If he’s feeling embarrassed about the situation, it’s probably going to be a lot easier to have the conversation when the clothes are still on.

Another factor that can influence when a guy ejaculates is what position he’s in. For many men, being on top seems to make him orgasm more quickly, while lying back and being straddled can make things last longer. While I’m not aware of any actual research on this, I’ve heard stories from enough men to suggest that you give it a try and see what happens.

Still another reason that some men ejaculate more quickly than they or their partners might like is that they don’t know how to work with their sexual energy. Modern tantra and other similar practices offer many men a lot of useful tools and tips for lasting longer. While this approach might not be everyone’s cup of tea, I think it’s worth looking into. Check out Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Man for a really interesting and easy-to-read take on this. He also has a book for women and one for couples.

Also, some men report that one of the best ways to last longer is to be on the receiving end of a little more foreplay. Actually, I dislike the word “foreplay” since it implies that everything else is just a lead-up to “real sex.” But leaving that aside, many of us are familiar with the idea that lots of women prefer/enjoy/need some warm-up before intercourse. What you might not know is that a slower approach can be a great thing for lots of guys, too. Men’s sexual arousal isn’t just about getting an erection; ramping up can increase how much sexual energy he can maintain. Or to put it another way, just because some guys can hit the ground running doesn’t change the fact that a little warm-up makes it a lot easier. So try extending how much time you give oral sex, hand-jobs, kissing, whatever. It can help him relax and increase his arousal, both of which reduce anxiety and can make it easier for him to last longer.

To get to the last question that you ask, there are some things you can do to help him but he needs to be willing to deal with this situation in the first place. A lot of men feel ashamed of early ejaculation, even though a lot of men experience it, at least sometimes. One of the best things you can do is to talk about it with him at a time when you’re not having sex. Right after it happens is probably not ideal since he’s having whatever feelings this brings up for him. And yes, men have feelings, even when (or especially when) they don’t know how to show them!

Meet Matchmaker Amy Andersen, Part II

TresSugar — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 09:10:00 -0700

Yesterday I shared part one of my interview with Amy Andersen, a high-end matchmaker who works with 800 successful singles. Amy tries to bring together young professionals who are interested in finding like-minded, quality matches - all for a price, of course; specifically, her rate is $6,000 for eight matches. In today's installment, Amy talks about modern dating and traditional gender roles.

Is traditional dating on the way to becoming obsolete thanks to the more casual hookup?

Amy Andersen: I think the causal hookup is fine when you are in your early to mid-20s, but for anyone who has chosen a career path that is more rooted in academia and a solid professional track, they crave dating through a more traditional and old world experience.

To be honest, tons of women get sick of guys who are forgetful or, frankly, who have become terribly spoiled and too lazy to show their dates what it means to be a gentleman. My clients are absolutely relieved to hear that this network adheres to a very old world approach, one with manners and chivalry. For the men, this means opening doors, being complimentary to their dates, not expecting that they will come upstairs for a quickie at the end of the night, instead looking forward to a kiss on the cheek. For our female clients, this means allowing oneself to embrace their femininity, take a deep breath, relax, allow the man to "be the man" and the woman to "be a woman."

To find out if all of Amy's clients are into this approach, and to see what exactly Amy means by "being a woman," read more.

Are all your clients into this approach?

AA: We find that it is a common misconception that a woman who is high-powered, extremely well educated, and attractive cannot accentuate her femininity on a date or in life without undermining her business acumen and strengths. Instead both can balance one another and be complementary, not the opposite. Another great reason why it is so fabulous to be a woman!

What does it mean exactly for a man to be a man?

AA: For a man to be a man, it means taking the lead when dating. It means allowing him to be a gentleman and not "castrating" him because he is trying to be chivalrous. It means allowing him to open the doors, walk on the outside of the street, to suggest a wine he likes at dinner that he thinks his date will like, to let him feel special on the date. Men want to feel useful and that they will be a provider for their ultimate mate, so sometimes when women are so used to be overly independent, men will wonder, "Where do I fit into this picture?"

And what does it mean for a woman to be a woman?

AA: Although she might be in control in every aspect of her life, it means being gracious, ladylike, exuding her femininity, and not taking the reins on the date as she might be used to in her work life. It means talking about things other than work, it means flirting, being silly at times, and not being so serious. It means putting on a skirt or dress, wearing a little lip gloss, and being thankful for being a woman. I’m not suggesting that a woman should be submissive or not use her mind; it is quite the opposite. Our guys in Linx crave cerebral and opinionated women, but she should let her date feel that he is worthy and attractive.

What do you make of Amy's thoughts on gender roles? Stay tuned to find out what Amy has to say about her female clients and the best way to meet a guy.

Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Lawyer

TresSugar — Mon, 11 May 2009 08:30:00 -0700

I got out of a three-year relationship about two years ago. I have since dated half of LA. I'm getting wary of dating. Rarely have I been on a date where both of us liked the other - either I get interested or the guy does - and rejecting someone is about as much fun as being rejected.

I am starting to see a pattern: the guys will come on strong and chase me until I resist and when I kind of seem to get interested, the guys just vanish. Whether I tell them I'm interested or not interested - they vanish. I'm at a point where I'm too scared of going on dates for fear I'm going to scare people away. What do I do?

- Almost Too Scared to Date

To hear what a lawyer has to say, read more.

Dear Too Scared,

Your situation is all-too-common among both sexes in the dysfunctional modern dating pool. Though I'm happily married now, I can confirm from very recent experience in the land of lovelorn singlehood that this dynamic/syndrome you are describing likely has less to do with your particular approach and more with your commitment to the idea of DATING with a capital "D."

There's something about the whole ritual, with all of its attendant expectations and conventions that seems to encourage a "chase is better than the catch" mentality among those who abide strictly by its tired protocols. More importantly, my experience with serial DATERS is that they often tend to be looking for the next best thing as a matter of course. They're just DATING with an idle hope that maybe it will just click with someone. But a DATE, in my experience, is a pretty lousy forum for actually getting to know someone and to see if you have actual compatibility, mutual attraction and chemistry.

My main piece of advice, therefore, would be to modify your expectations about what it is that you're doing, and to try to look for Mr. Right with a changed modality. If you are looking for a DATE, you are ultimately hoping to find someone to offer you love, companionship, nooky and sexual fulfillment, support, trust, entertainment, and everything else that comes along with finding someone awesome to share the world with, but much later and down the line, after you have made sure that he meets the sniff test and that you enjoy being with him. These are all things you can explore with guys in different social contexts that aren't so freighted with expectations, insecurity, performance anxiety, and all-around awkwardness as with the dreaded DATE.

So the approach, which is a tired cliché of the syndicated advice columnist for a reason: get involved with a group of people who share your interest in something (music, arts, book group, hiking club, discussion forum, team sport). Join an organized activity of like-minded people. And start hanging out with this group more and more (assuming they're not a bunch of weirdos and misfits that you don't enjoy spending time with).

See if there isn't someone in this broader group that you start to establish a friendship or rapport with (or who you find yourself attracted to, or scoping, or who seems to be attracted to or scoping you). And try as much as possible to avoid thinking of this person as a potential DATE, but rather, as a potential COMPANION (we'll leave it ambiguous for now).

Next, see if you can start to modulate your contact with this potential COMPANION. Maybe you invite him to some other group activity that you participate in. Maybe a party, or a BBQ, or whatever. Seth Rogen's character in Superbad might suggest inviting him to a pumpkin patch, but you get the idea.

You're ramping up towards an outing that we might typically call a DATE, but while you're at it, you're gathering all sorts of intel about this fellow, his likes, his dislikes, if he listens to cool music or butt rock like Nickelback and Hinder, whether he's more country or more rock and roll, if he's funny without trying to be (DATES are a notoriously embarrassing forum for us guys to try too hard to be funny, and enduring a DATE can often feel like watching some stand-up also-ran on Comedy Central).

Finally, if you are still interested in this COMPANION-cum-DATE, you'll identify an opportunity for just you and he to go do something together. If you can find something in the context of your initial meeting (say you are in that hiking club, then you suggest heading out to somewhere cool for a walk). You are making that DATE move, but in that context, it may feel a little less DATEY.

Significantly, you have already been around this person enough that, if he is interested, you don't need to use the awkward format of the DATE to find out stuff about the guy. You already found out all that stuff at the pumpkin patch. And if he has come along on the hike and made it through the preliminaries, one assumes, you may just find yourself a little more in sync, and less wary of one another. Because a DATE automatically has low expectations.

An ambiguous outing that feels less like a DATE and more like two people who are starting to enjoy spending time together? It's a space that you're likely to be much more comfortable with, and, just maybe, is less likely to generate that weird "catch me if you can" vibe that seems so endemic to DATING.

Best of luck in any case,
A lawyer

Click here to find out more about Conventional Wisdom and here to submit a question.

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Ask a Librarian: Tomboy Has Never Been on a Date

TresSugar — Mon, 25 May 2009 09:59:08 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a librarian will offer some common sense advice. You can submit questions here.
Today's Question:
After turning 23 a few weeks ago, I started to wonder what was holding me back from finding Mr. Right. It's not that I haven't been on a date for a few weeks, or that I just keep dating a string of loser guys, it's that I have never been on a date. I didn't even have dates to high school dances. I've never even been told I was pretty/cute by a guy so that may have something to do with it. At a time in life where the majority of my friends are in relationships and are getting engaged/married, I'm all alone.

I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I am too shy to find a guy to like me, or if once I get over my shyness that my tomboyish nature forces me into the "friend zone" all of the time. (I was an only child raised by her father who treated me like a son.)

I've been told that I'm funny and smart, but I think my love of sporting events and rock concerts, knowledge of cars, and love of all things nerdy scares guys away. Do you have any advice for me so I can stop being seen as the sisterly type, and start being seen as dateable? I'd really like to find a nice guy soon. Thanks a lot for your help.

- Undateable Tomboy

To read a librarian's advice, read more.

Dear Undateable Tomboy,

The Oxford English Dictionary defines “tomboy” as “a girl who behaves like a spirited or boisterous boy.” You are 23, and it’s time to start acting like a woman, not a girl. Don’t worry right now about meeting Mr. Right; you just want to meet some misters. People have told you that you are smart and funny, but guys can’t get to know the real you because they don’t see you as date material.

Let’s talk about your outward appearance, which is what attracts a man in the first place. The first thing you should do is find a good stylist and get a great haircut. Sounds superficial? Sorry, just do it. A haircut that suits you can do more than anything to improve your appearance. Next go to the makeup counter in a department store, do a mini-makeover, and buy some products. I’m talking at least a modicum of eye makeup and some lip gloss. Accent your best facial features.

Look at your wardrobe. Anything that appears oversized, place it in the back of your closet for one month. Go to the store and buy some items that are slightly trendy, and get shoes to go with the clothes. If you don’t have a clue, ask the sales people to help you; it’s fun for them. By the way, I am a feminist who does not buy into the “beauty myth,” but consider this an experiment. (Do you want a date or not?) There is strength in looking your best, and it will give you the confidence boost that you need more than anything else. And smile, a friendly welcoming smile. That is the most attractive thing you can put on your face.

Be up front and tell your friends you are ready to meet some men. Be persistent, remind them - and, that goes for your male friends. Ask them if they know anybody to fix you up with. It might even put the idea into the head of one of your old buddies to ask you out. What about you suggesting a casual movie date to a new acquaintance, someone you meet at a party or work?

You like sports. Join a coed softball, volleyball, or kickball team. There is a lot of camaraderie on these teams, more men than women, and they tend to socialize after the games or on the weekends. Please do not wear baggy sweats.

And no more excuses about how an interest in cars and sports scares away guys. In reality, many men would love to share their interests with their girlfriends. That would definitely be a value added that you would bring to the relationship.

You sound like a very lovely young woman who does not deserve to be lonely. You will find someone who will be thrilled to have you in his life and in his arms. The challenge is to have men notice you, so that they can get to know the real you. As a librarian, I can attest that people do judge a book by its cover. I remind you that you are very young, and have plenty of time. So while you are waiting for your dating life to kick in, go to the library, check out a copy of Emma or Something Blue, make a cup of tea, and curl up on the couch.

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Ask a Wise Guy: How Do I Get His Ex Out of the Picture?

TresSugar — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a person who likes to think of himself as a wise guy will offer some common sense advice. You can submit questions here.
Today's Question:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. Things have been going very well, except for something he can't seem to let go of. Two years ago he and an ex broke up, and ever since he and I started dating she continues to devote attention to him. It never appears to be romantic, but she's always offering to do him favors, asking him to play with her dog, texting/calling/Facebooking. As far as I know, he doesn't respond all that much.

But that's the problem. By not responding, he has not made it clear that there is no room for her in his life now. So the other day I told him that if he wanted to move forward and have a future with me, he needed to make it clear to her that the past is in the past.

He agreed, but now I'm playing a waiting game. I don't want to nag and ask him when he is planning on having this conversation, but I also want to know when it takes place. She has continued to contact him and he continues not to act.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle. Could there be a deeper reason he's dragging his feet, or is he just being passive aggressive? Am I crossing a line by putting pressure on him? Or should I be drawing a line, and saying enough is enough?

Signed,

Sick of the Ex. To hear what a wise guy has to say, read more

Dear Sick-of-the-Ex,

Wow, this is a tricky one -in fact, navigating exes is a complicated (but necessary) dance in any relationship. I’m also a little confused about what your boyfriend wants. If he really isn’t responding to her “all that much,” then it seems like the message is pretty clear that he’s not interested in spending time with her - and so the whole situation shouldn’t be a threat to you (and you should back off). On the other hand, if he does sometimes call/text/play with her dog, then it seems that he still wants her to be part of his life, in which case there needs to be a lot more clarity between you and him about what’s OK and what’s not.

Here’s where it gets tricky: if you prefer that he have no contact with the ex, and he wishes to maintain a friendship with her, then one or both of you will have to compromise what you want.

Reading between the lines of your letter, I’m sensing that you don’t feel as secure as you should in the relationship. If you’re feeling threatened by a few phone calls and text messages, then I think there’s something deeper going on here that needs to be addressed head on. I think you should have a heartfelt conversation with him explaining why you’re not happy with the situation (rather than telling him what to do), and then figure out together how to deal with the ex. This seems like a better way to handle the situation than “putting pressure” on him, and giving him ultimatums about your future together. If he really cares for you and respects your feelings, then I’m hopeful that you can come to a solution that works for everyone.

And if that doesn’t work, you should go her house and duke it out Jerry Springer style. Guys like it when chicks fight over them.

All the best,

A Wise Guy

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