TresSugar

You Asked: How Do I Get Over Our Breakup?

DearSugar — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Recently I read the post about telling your ex what he did wrong. My ex and I broke up a year ago. I have dated other people, but I am finding it very difficult to get over this relationship. This was the first time I really opened up my heart; I had seen a future with this person. We broke up with little closure on my end. He just shut me out of his life and ended our relationship. I feel like it's unfair that I did not have a say in our breakup. I never got the chance to voice my feelings and understand why things had to end. I thought that with time I would feel better and things would naturally resolve, but now that a significant amount of time has passed, I am losing hope. For obvious reasons, I cannot contact this person and get things off my chest. How can I find closure for myself?

- Holding on Holly

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Holding on Holly,

Whenever a relationship ends abruptly and from one-side, closure is that much more difficult to find. And of course, you're right - it is unfair that you had no say in the matter and never even got the opportunity to express yourself. But as frustrating as it may be, what's done is done, and it sounds like you're ready to believe that. Start by writing down everything you'd like to say to your ex, if you could. Be as angry or as sappy as you want to be. It might take more than one try, but get every emotion out, even if that means repeating yourself or obsessing on the smallest of memories.

When you feel like it's all out there, read it over. Then, write a letter to yourself, listing all of the ways in which you are better and stronger today. If you can only think of one, then just start there. Tape it to your bedside table or tuck it into your desk at work, taking time each day to add something to it. It could be a lesson you learned, a silly conversation that made you smile, or a change you've noticed in yourself. Every time you're feeling the loss from your breakup read that letter and take a moment to truly remember that you're better off.

Finally, work on stopping your obsessive thoughts - I have a bunch of tips if you're looking for a starting point. If you can't do it on your own, seek out a therapist. There's no shame in asking for help when you need it, and sometimes, all we need is a good listener.

Source

You Asked: I Was Dumped Over Email!

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am a 25-year-old professional. Yesterday, the 27-year-old man I had been dating dumped me in a four-sentence email. Two days prior, I met his sister and brother-in-law for the first time and we shared a wonderful dinner with all of their friends. His reason for ending the relationship? My personality was too similar to his sister's and it made him feel "strange." He said that while she is (and I am) a good person, it wasn't what he was looking for. He refuses to discuss this in person and I am having a tough time as a result. I need a better understanding of why he would choose to break up with me by email, and why for those reasons? It just doesn't make sense to me. - Need More of a Reason Rachel

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Need More of a Reason Rachel,

I'm sorry you're left without answers, but it sounds like your ex just doesn't have the maturity to break up face-to-face. This is very reminiscent of the breakup via Post-It episode of Sex and the City, and while it's no doubt frustrating beyond belief not to be able to ask questions and get the answers you need, my advice is to take this as a blessing in disguise and try your best to put this guy behind you. It sounds like you weren't dating very long, so if he's willing to overlook you just because you remind him of his sister, be glad that you found out sooner than later.

He clearly has issues with confrontation, but if you have some things you need to get off your chest in order to gain closure, send your thoughts back to him via email. Realize that you might not get a response, but hopefully just writing it all down and knowing that he read it will take the weight off your shoulders. When it comes to the dating game, there will always be times when we're left confused and in the dark as to why people do the things they do, but unfortunately it's just par for the course. Lean on your friends and family for support and chalk up this email breakup as a good story for your girlfriends!

Source

You Asked: I Need Closure

DearSugar — Thu, 24 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

For the past few months I had been seeing this great guy. He said and did sweet things for me the entire time we were dating. However, I recently discovered through a text message that he accidentally sent to me, that he's been in contact with another girl. We had already been intimate and it shocked me to find out he was seeing someone else - especially since he denied it early on in our relationship.

I was really hurt since he was the first guy I've liked in a long time. I wanted to stay strong and stand my ground, so I confronted him about the text message. He initially denied it, but eventually fessed up. I never got an explanation as to how long his two-timing has been going on or why he decided to see other girls behind my back. Instead, I just stopped talking to him. He kept asking that we meet in person to talk about things. He told me that he truly missed me and wanted to "get past the situation." I agreed to meet with him after a few requests, since I wanted to explain how much he had hurt me.

But as soon as I agreed, he became unreliable and difficult to reach. In the end we never talked about it. I'm not sure why, but part of me still wants to tell him how he wronged me. I'm worried that if I told him in a voicemail or email, I'd never hear back from him and only end up feeling foolish. I could really use your advice for some peace of mind.

- Bothered Beth

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Bothered Beth,

Though I don't want to devalue your feelings for him, I think in the long run you'll be happy this guy accidentally let you in on his two-timing ways. Learning to let go is difficult, but you might be surprised how a little bit of time will do the trick. I think you're right about calling or emailing him - it's unlikely that you'll hear back. And as satisfying as you think it might be to let him have it, in the end, he'll still be the same guy and you'll still feel wounded. Instead, try writing a letter with everything you've had building up inside you. Write until you can't write anymore, but don't send it. Sometimes getting it all out is more important than having an audience to get it out, too; plus, next time you're feeling wistful about him, you can read your letter to remind you why you're better off without him.

Source

Sunday Confessional: He Walked Out of My Life, Now He Wants Back In

DearSugar — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I'm 29 years old and got out of a long-term relationship about eight months ago. My boyfriend and I had been together for three years and were planning on moving in together and getting engaged within the year. We had a very happy relationship, and I believed we were very much in love. Then out of the blue, he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I was completely shocked, and told him that he was just feeling stressed out with the move and work, but that things would calm down soon. He insisted that he didn't think he loved me like I loved him, and then he just left. When I tried to call, he didn't answer, until finally I received an email from him saying he needed space and that I should stop contacting him. To say I was brokenhearted would be an understatement. Since then I have done the best I can to move on. Although I haven't started seriously seeing anyone, in the past couple of months I've actually flirted with guys and have started to feel like my old self.

But a week ago my ex showed up. Desperate for closure, I agreed to meet with him. I expected a simple apology, but instead he begged for me to work things out with him. Apparently he had spent the last few months soul-searching and realized that he truly does want to be with me for the rest of his life. I still love him, and there's part of me that still wants to be with him, but I'm also unbelievably angry and I don't know what to do. Should I try to forgive him for breaking my heart and make this work?

Source

You Asked: Should I Keep my Ex in the Past?

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
After 10 years, I want to talk to my ex husband. I don't want to rekindle our relationship, I don't want to be friends and I am not pining for him for anything, I just have some things I want to say and some questions to ask. Here is my problem, his wife (the woman he cheated on me with, resulting in our breakup) is adamantly telling me that I have nothing to say to him, that my business with him is finished and I should move on with my life. Right now I am married to a wonderful man and we have four children together -- in other words I don't believe "moving on" is an issue.

This is between me and my ex. I've tried to make this clear but she clearly hates that I'm trying to get a hold of him on the phone. They live almost 1000 miles away. What could be going on in her head? And why is he letting her do this by hiding under her skirt? She is ten years older than him and had two young children from a previous relationship, my ex and I had no children together. The only thing I want from him is to get some things off my chest and just get the closure that I feel I need. Is there something wrong with me for desiring this contact?? -- Stuck in the Past Paulina

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Stuck in the Past Paulina --

If you feel like there are still some things left unsaid, I think it is perfectly normal to want the answers you deserve, even if it means you just get some things off your chest. There is clearly some bad blood between you and his current wife, but if you feel like you have not gotten appropriate closure, by all means get what you need to move on.

Of course, this woman doesn't want you around, you're his ex wife for goodness sake, but since she was the reason you two are no longer together, she shouldn't feel threatened by you. If you can't physically or verbally connect with him to discuss matters, write him a letter or an e-mail. Getting all your feelings out on paper will not only be therapeutic for you, but you will also be able to re-read what you wrote and make sure you don't miss a single thing.

Even if you don't get a response, sometimes it feels better to just rid yourself of all your negative weight and leave it behind you. Since you are happy in your new life, with your new family, I think this letter will do nothing but good things for your future -- it's never healthy to carry around unnecessary emotional baggage. I wish you luck and hope you get what you need.

Source

Front Page: Mormons Help Bring Gay Rights to Salt Lake City

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:00:10 -0800

After the Mormon Church backed Salt Lake City ordinances that would bar housing and employment discrimination against gays, the laws passed unanimously last night. - AP
The American Medical Association is urging the federal government to loosen the classification of marijuana so the drug can be used for clinical research. - LA Times
Some victims said they still didn't feel closure after watching DC sniper John Allen Muhammad die last night of lethal injection. - CNN
Germany is in shock after a star soccer player committed suicide.- AP
Baseball great Sammy Sosa says a skin cream made his skin appear white in recent photos. - New York Daily News

You Asked: Should I Ask For Closure?

DearSugar — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met the "perfect" guy for me about four months ago. We had great chemistry, similar worldviews, and we always got along great. He made me feel like the center of his universe when we were together and I trusted him completely. About three months in, what was supposed to be a Summer fling ended up getting extended because my moving plans changed. Around that time he started doing the ever-so-transparent freeze-out: our regular dates, phone calls, and texts dried up to once a week at most. I confronted him as to whether or not he was seeing anyone else or if he wanted to discontinue our relationship, and he assured me that he wasn't seeing anyone and that he was still very into me. I believe that he isn't seeing anyone else, but it seems crystal clear that he just isn't that into me anymore.

My better judgment tells me that I should let it go - I've already started talking to other guys and getting back out there. But my petulant side thinks that I deserve some sort of closure. I think our time together was worthy of some formal/official "farewell" rather than him disappearing and hoping I wouldn't notice. It hurts because we were honest and upfront from the beginning, and now I'm having a hard time remembering our good times fondly because of the way that things are ending. Should I just get over it and not drag it out, or can I pursue some form of closure so I can properly move on? - In Limbo Lanna

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear In Limbo Lanna,

Being shut out by a romantic partner is incredibly frustrating to say the least - I've been there so I completely empathize with you. Since you've already done your part by asking him straight up if he's seeing other people or if he wants to stop seeing you - and since he's said no to both - I can only assume he's being passive-aggressive. I've come to the realization than men would rather dodge an inevitable breakup than use their words to end it. Not returning calls and avoiding the situation altogether is the safe, easy way out, but what these guys still don't understand is that we women would much prefer honesty; even though the truth hurts sometimes, getting closure makes it worth it.

Since this is still weighing heavily on your mind, I'd confront him one last time. Think about what you want to accomplish with the phone call or meeting before you talk. If it's simply closure that you need, ask him the questions you want answered and get whatever you need to say off your chest - this could be your last chance, so don't leave anything out that would prevent you from moving on. If he still tells you that he's interested, keep listening to your better judgment and remember that actions speak louder than words. If he's not giving you everything you want at four months, he just might not be the "perfect" guy for you after all. Good luck.

Source

Closure Is Under Rated

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 08:19:01 -0800

Dear Sugar
I started dating a friend of a friend. He is the kind of guy who is liked by all so when my friends wanted to set me up with him, I took the chance. Everything started off well, he was the perfect gentleman, he called when he said he would call, was never late for our dates, etc. Our bi-weekly dinners turned into weekends together and meeting of friends and I was really excited.

All of a sudden, out of left field, he never called me again. Our last conversation was making plans to see each other, he said he would call, and a month later, my phone still hasn't rung. I keep asking myself if it was something I did, but I am coming up short. I thought that we had a nice thing going.

The holidays are here and I know that I am bound to run into him as we have mutual friends. How do I react when and if I see him? I want to ask him why he's completely stopped contacting me, but don't want to come off as pathetic. It seems so simple to just say let it go, but I just can't. Left in the Dark Lori

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Left in the Dark Lori
Have you ever read He's Just Not That Into You? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it sounds like he just wasn't interested after all. Unless something horrible has happened to him or someone in his family, there is no reason why he is leaving you hanging... chalk it up to poor etiquette.

Since this guy is in your circle of friends, can you do some investigative research to get some answers? There is nothing worse than not having closure or not knowing what went wrong, so I can understand your preoccupation. Chances are he got spooked and instead of being honest with you, he took the easy way out.

Since you are bound to run into him this holiday, be the bigger person and don't play into his childish game. Don't go out of your way to talk to him, but if the opportunity presents itself, nonchalantly say something like this:

"Hi stranger, it's nice to see you're OK.. I was beginning to think you dropped off the face of the earth since it has been so long since I've heard from you."

Hopefully he will have an explanation for his disrespectful ways and you can have the closure you are looking for. If not, try your best to shrug him off. Happy holidays and remember, this is his loss, not yours.

Condé Nast Is Truly, Madly, Online Dating

TresSugar — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Condé Nast started the week out on a sober note, announcing the closure of venerable publications like Gourmet. Now, the publishing giant is ending the week with a bit of sexy news: it has just launched an online dating site called Truly Madly Dating.

According to UK Vogue, the site is "created to unite glamorous girls with fashion-conscious GQ-reading boys to create matches made in style heaven." Doing a little browsing myself, I've come across a photographer seeking a muse, a woman in Russia who loves to travel, and a down-to-earth investment banker looking for a woman who is fun to be around.

Since ad revenue is declining quickly for the company, a dating site might be a business model made in style heaven - if it takes off, of course. Would you use it, or do you think it might attract singles that aren't quite your type?

Closure Time

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 11:14:10 -0700

Dear Sugar,
My ex and I broke up three months ago. We dated for three years and always thought we'd end up together. This summer he turned into someone I didn't know anymore, so we broke up. He has mistreated me since the breakup and we've tried to be friends, but it's difficult because he's so mean to me. I never thought he could hurt me this badly but he has.

I'll try to get on with my life and I won't talk to him for about a week when all of a sudden out of nowhere he'll call me or write me an e-mail. Then I go right back to where I was after our breakup; depressed and hurt.

I don't want to be with him. I don't even feel in love with him anymore. I've told him to stop contacting me but he'll randomly e-mail me to tell me that he's dating someone new. Then the next day he'll ask me if I want to sleep with him. I always say no, but he's obviously just telling me he's dating someone else to hurt me. I don't know why it bothers me, but it's all just so cold hearted. What can I do to stop him from popping into my life? It's Ovah Winona

To see DEARSUGAR's answerread more

Dear It's Ovah Winona
This guy is stepping all over you. You are making yourself sound as though you actually listen to the entire pitch when the cable company calls you during dinner. You need to be a little bit more serious about getting rid of him.

He's obviously not respecting your wishes if you keep telling him to stop contacting you but he doesn't listen. Just like any other habit you have, you need to somehow quit him. My advice is to go cold turkey.

Silence is punishment. Learn to ignore his e-mails, calls, etc.. Literally delete all contact with him. It sounds like he is enjoying toying with your emotions. Once he sees that he's not able to get inside your head any longer, he'll give up trying to reach you. The game no longer has a point. If I were you, I'd go out on dates and put this creep behind you!