TresSugar

You Asked: How Do We Even the Playing Field?

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for more than six months and although we are from drastically different backgrounds, we love each other very much. The problem we face stems from the fact that in our previous relationships, we were each the one who wore the pants and we were both the dominant ones. He is loud, outspoken, highly opinionated, and sometimes very arrogant - I am exactly the same way.

He expects me to be the perfect domesticated woman - cook, clean, and listen to every word he says without a complaint. I have tried to give in and meet him halfway by doing things I have never done before (like cooking and cleaning up after him), and I have toned down my attitude by listening more, but he does not feel the need to compromise as well. His responses always end with "because I am the man and you are the woman," and it infuriates me to be treated this way. If I anger him or say something wrong, he will retaliate by hurting me 10 times as much as I may have hurt him. All this is just to try and tame me or break me to become the woman he wants me to be. I know deep down this relationship has potential - we push each other to be the best we can be, we think alike, we are each other's best friend, and the sex is fantastic - but without any help from him, I'm starting to lose faith. How do I make him understand that this has to be a two-way effort? - Making an Effort Emma

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Making an Effort Emma,

When two people with the same stubborn personality date, it's not uncommon for them to butt heads, but unfortunately this situation sounds a bit more extreme. Since he wants you to be a domesticated woman, something tells me that's what his mom was for his father, but he needs to understand that's not the role all women play. It's also pretty clear that he has a volatile temper, but the foundation of a good relationship is based on love and respect, not who can hurt each other more.

Since you say this relationship has potential, I think it's great that you're trying to meet him halfway, but if he's not willing to do the same, you might be running uphill for the duration of this relationship. His chauvinistic attitude will most likely not change, so instead of trying to be someone you're not, try talking to him and letting him know that you're not willing to sacrifice your beliefs. You need to stand up for yourself, Emma, and as scary as it might be to potentially lose your boyfriend, if he's not willing to accept you for you are, I think you'll be better off if you go your separate ways. You deserve to be with someone who's not afraid to let the woman wear the pants every once in a while!

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You Asked: My Fiancé Is a Control Freak

DearSugar — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I have been together three years now and will be getting married in a month. I love him dearly - he is a generous and very strong man. I've been off work for almost five months because I've been struggling with depression. Before, I had been working as a graphic designer at the same company as my fiancé - he managed me on multiple projects. I was beginning to feel like I had my boss at work and at home so I quit. Since I've been home, I've started doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and housework and when my fiancé is home, he just plays video games.

When I first met him, he was a total slob and never picked up after himself; he's an only child who's used to having his mom do everything for him. I grew up in a big family where organization was mandatory. Needless to say, I like things clean. My fiancé makes almost triple what I did, plus he works long hours, so I don't expect him to come home and cook and clean - plus doing all the chores doesn't really bother me.

The problem is that even though he doesn't help out, he is constantly telling me how to do things down to the littlest detail, like how he likes his socks rolled and the order in which I wash the dishes! When I explain to him that I don't appreciate his nagging when I'm trying my best, he'll throw a tantrum and it ends up being my fault. I love him, but I'm feeling resentful. How can I fix this?

- In Need of Respect Rita

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Dear In Need of Respect Rita,

If your fiancé micromanaged you in your last job the way he does at home, it's no wonder you needed time off. Frankly, I don't care how many hours your fiancé works, he has no right to be so unappreciative and demanding when you're trying your best to keep the house in order without his help. He's acting like he's still the only child of the family! It's time to put those selfish desires behind him before he commits to being a husband, which is one member of an equal team.

You have to have a serious heart-to-heart before it's too late and this unacceptable behavior becomes an endless pattern. If he wants to yell at you and get upset then that's his choice, but you have to be able to speak your peace. Explain to him that you're happy to accommodate his ideas, but you need him to approach his requests in a much kinder and respectful manner. Obviously he's gotten used to this lifestyle, so it may take multiple conversations to make your point. Let him know that he's hurting you, and in turn putting your relationship in danger.

If this continues into your marriage, I highly recommend you seek therapy to combat it before your resentment takes over, which it inevitably will at this rate. Good luck.

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The How-To Lounge: Getting Organized

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Even if you’re more clean than messy, it’s still easy to end up with more than a few disorganized piles of stuff lying around the house, office, car, or even in the depths of your purse. Most of us function better in an organized environment, so if you have some clutter getting you down, see my tips and read more.

Determine where your serious problem areas are. The closet is a big one for most people, as are desk drawers and any other nooks or crannies where it might be easy to stuff things out of sight.
Don’t try to get everything done in one sitting. It’ll seem much more manageable if you do it over time, so choose one spot, and start sorting until it’s completely organized before moving on to another area.
Don’t be afraid to throw away (or recycle) things - you really don’t need to keep everything. My ongoing rule is that if I haven’t used it in the last year, then it must not be a necessity. Salvation Army or Goodwill stations are great alternatives for clothing and other items that you don’t want to take to the dump, but can’t sell.
Once you’ve sorted the keepers from everything else, it's time to come up with an organization solution. Buy extra bins to store winter clothes instead of the floor of your closet or move loose papers off of counter-tops by getting file folders for holding your bill stubs and other important documents.
I’ve always found that maintaining a semblance of organization is far more difficult than going through and organizing things every once and a while so try to de-clutter your life as much as possible on a daily basis. Throw away the silly knick knacks you’ll never use. And if you see a pile growing, go through it before it gets to that overwhelming point. You'll thank yourself later!

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This or That: Slovenly or Porn Habit?

DearSugar — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

After nearly two years of harmonious dating, you and your boyfriend have decided to move in together. You’re both extremely excited about the prospect, but after only a few weeks of living under the same roof, you’re learning a few things you never knew. You’re still compatible in most ways, but would it be worse if he . . .

This: Has no ability or desire to keep any portion of the place clean or tidy? You can take messy, but it’s the grime, filth, and caked on crumbs that are killing you.

Or . . .

That: Has a very persistent habit of watching porn until the wee hours of the morning? He only does it after you go to bed, but it stills feels too often to be healthy.

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You Asked: I'm Tired of Being His Maid

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and living together for the past two. From what he has told me, he grew up in a house that was a disaster, which became a way of life for him. There were dishes and clothes everywhere and dirt all over the house - nobody cared to clean and he grew comfortable with that.

I, on the other hand, come from a family of neat freaks. I grew up vacuuming and dusting nearly every single day. My mom was very strict about how we kept our bedrooms and as a young adult, I adopted some habits of my mother's compulsive cleanliness. I'm by no means as harsh as she was but I like the common areas of our apartment to be clean. I like when trash goes in the trash can, paperwork is on the table (not the floor), and food isn't spread all over the countertops.

My boyfriend and I have had numerous, calm discussions about keeping things clean and he's agreed to help, but that hasn't happened. I find myself frustrated to the point where I end up throwing a fit about his disgusting living habits. I am at the point where I'm about to move out. I'm tired of acting like a slave and feeling unappreciated for keeping things tidy. What should I do? I still want to live with him because I love him, but I'm tired of being the maid!

- Clean and Tidy Cate

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Dear Clean and Tidy Cate,

Cleanliness is a huge factor when it comes to being able to live with someone harmoniously, especially if that someone is your significant other. Obviously you've tried discussing this with your boyfriend to no avail but before you pack your bags, try bringing it to his attention again, this time with a clear set of instructions.

Write out a list of the things that need to be done every day and then another list for things that need to be done each week. Be fair - you may have to make some sacrifices, too, so only list the things that really matter to you. Sit down with your boyfriend and break the list in half, working together to divvy up the chores. Get in the habit of cleaning together to make sure things are completed. It seems juvenile, but I do think that cleaning can be learned over time.

When you do sit down and talk to him, don't be afraid to tell him that you're at your wits end. He may need to really hear that you're planning on moving out if things don't change. Likewise, keep in mind that he was raised in a completely different lifestyle than you - he might not even know how to clean! - and just as you're stuck in your ways, he is too. Be patient with each other and be ready to compromise.

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You Asked: Can I Force Them to Clean?

DearSugar — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I live with my boyfriend and his brother, mostly for financial reasons. If I had the money, I'd live just with my boyfriend. Kris, who is 26, just moved out from his mother's house. He's a very nice guy but he is the baby of the family. His mother always cleaned up after him, cooked for him often, did his laundry, cleaned his room on occasion, kept the kitchen clean, did his dishes, the works. Now that we all live together, I find that Kris doesn't do a very good job of cleaning up after himself. I'm not perfect, believe me, and neither is my boyfriend, but when the trash is full, I don't think that it's common sense, or very nice, to just pile things on top of the lid rather than take the trash five feet to the garage!

I am the only person in the house who puts my dishes in the dishwasher, turns it on when it's full, and empties it when they're clean. I've avoided doing it occasionally to see who will do it without my asking, and neither of them will step up to the plate. The dishes will pile in the sink while the dishwasher is full either with dirty or clean dishes. If I ask my boyfriend to do it, he'll complain about my "nagging." Finally, the kitchen will get so disgusting that Kris will call their mother and she'll drive the 20 miles to our place and clean it up for them.

The main problem is that I find it offensive that their mother, my potential mother-in-law, still babies them. I feel like this is our house, I live here too, and that the people who live here should take care of it and come to an agreement. I can't really put into words WHY I find it offensive that she cleans up after them, but in some ways I feel like she's looking down on me as a bad "woman" because I'm not doing a good enough job at keeping a clean house. My boyfriend thinks I'm crazy for feeling this way yet doesn't do anything to chip in. How can I convey to them how I feel? Am I really just acting crazy? Please help! - Living with Two Slobs Tommye

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Dear Living with Two Slobs Tommye -

When you share living space with someone, it's imperative to be respectful of your roommates, and it sounds like your boyfriend and his brother are just so used to someone picking up after them that they don't know the basic fundamentals of cohabitating. With that said, you need to lay down the law ASAP. Living together before marriage is a good way to get a glimpse into the future, so set your ground rules now before it's too late.

If I were you, I would call for a house meeting and suggest hiring a maid immediately. If you split the cost three ways, it can't be all that expensive and it will eliminate the "nagging" that your boyfriend feels and the frustration you feel about the boys being slobs. To maintain a clean house, I would also fairly assign chores and make sure they understand how important it is to respect each other's living space.

You are not crazy for feeling the way you do and I happen to think it's completely inappropriate that their mother still cleans up after them. She certainly isn't doing them any favors by continuing to baby them. Hopefully, once the maid comes on a weekly basis and everyone pitches in accordingly, you will be future mother-in-law free and living in a clean house before you know it. If they aren't willing to change their lazy ways, you're going to be better off living on your own. Good luck!

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You Asked: My Boyfriend is a Neat Freak!!!

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Jun 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we just moved in together. We get along perfectly, except I am messy and he is super neat. It's driving me crazy because I always feel like he is nagging me to clean up, and we keep getting into fights about it. He says that we are adults and a messy house is unacceptable. He also said that being messy is a character flaw!

When we both get home from work he tells me to do the dishes, vacuum the carpet and mop the kitchen floor. I know I tend to be messier, but it shouldn't be my job to clean up the entire house. I told him "the 1950's called and they want their idea back!"

I've tried talking to him calmly about this, but every time I do, he says that since I make most of the mess, I should be the one to clean the house. Sure I leave my clothes and other things around, but he's acting like I run around making messes all over the house. I'm not the only one who uses the dishes and tracks mud on the kitchen floor! I'm just shocked that he's being like this. Any suggestions?

-- Messy Melissa

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Dear Messy Melissa--

Well I am just shocked too! Even though you are messy and he is neat, there's no way he should be ordering you around to clean up the house that you both use!

There's got to be some kind of a compromise you can reach here. Maybe you guys can spend one weekend working together to make your place neat and clean so you have a fresh slate to work with. Unfortunately it won't stay that way forever, so perhaps you can make a schedule of house chores so you don't feel like you are doing everything. It might be a good idea too to have a designated area in your home that is just for you and your stuff, so you can be messy there and he can't tell you to clean it up. Have you also thought about hiring a housekeeper? That could be an easy way to stop the fighting.

Aside from this neatness issue, I'm a bit concerned at the way he is speaking to you. Relationships are all about respecting each other, and if he continues to talk to you like he's in charge, then he's not seeing you as an equal and that is not okay! If he keeps up his "orders" to you, I'd say it's time to find someone who will respect you for you, and embrace all you have to offer, messiness included! Good luck Melissa!

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It's Your Last Chance to Win a Restoration Hardware Spring Cleaning Set!

DearSugar — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Spring has sprung, which means it's time to do a little Spring cleaning! In the spirit of the season, and to make this chore a little easier, DearSugar is giving away two Restoration Hardware Fresh Cleaning sets, valued at $134 each. Two winners will get one of every product in the collection, which includes everything from surface cleaner to vacuum BBs and a fragrant kitchen candle. All of the products are biodegradable, nontoxic, and made without animal products or testing.
To enter, you must log in and take the quiz below. Your eligibility is not based on getting the answers correct, just by completing the quiz once you are logged in. You do, however, need to be a TeamSugar member, and you must log in before taking the quiz. If you're not already a member, register here for an account. One quiz entry per person, as all repeat quizzes will be ignored.

The contest is open to US residents only and ends on Mar. 27, 2008, at 11:59 p.m. PDT. Click here for Official Rules. Spring cleaning always make me feel lighter and more focused not only at home, but also in my life, so I hope you reap the same benefits. Enjoy and good luck!

Take the quiz

The Coen Brothers Take on Dirty Clean Coal

CitizenSugar — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 13:38:02 -0800

Academy Award-winning directors Joel and Ethan Coen are taking on the oxymoron that is "clean coal." The brothers directed the spot for the Reality Campaign to "call out the coal industry on their dirty lies." The group wants to spread the message that "clean" coal is like a healthy cigarette, while also pointing out that no clean coal plant actually exists in the US.

While the Coen brothers work on the powerful PR message against clean coal, President Obama gave it a shout-out in his speech to Congress this week, calling it an environmentally friendly, and cost-effective energy source. Maybe Obama was swayed by the American Coalition For Clean Coal Electricity (ACCCE), which spent millions of coal industry money in advertising last year to promote clean coal.

5 Spring Cleaning Tips

DearSugar — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 07:30:00 -0700

I've always felt that being organized and neat helps in every other aspect of my life. If my house is in shambles or my to-do list is multiple pages long, anxiety starts to kick in and everything else suffers as a result. If you're the same way, it might be time to get a head start on your Spring cleaning. Now I'm not just talking about scrubbing your floors and clearing out your garage; I'm talking about getting your life in order so you can successfully put Winter behind you and move forward toward Spring! Check out my five tips.

Start by cleaning out your desk drawers and removing all the clutter from your counter tops. Throw away all that lose paperwork you don't need and start a new filing system to organize the things you do need. It's key for everything to have a home.
Get rid of all your old cosmetics, lotions, perfumes, and medications, as they all have expiration dates. To get ready for Spring, be sure to load up on allergy medication, sunscreen, conditioner, razors, and self tanner.
Store all your Winter clothes or put them in the back of your closet and drawers. If the temperature is about to change where you live, this would be the time to swap out your heavy Winter comforter for your lightweight sheets and blankets.

Want to see my other tips? Just read more.

Go through your closet and make sure your Spring/Summer clothes don't need cleaning or alterations. If they do, take care of it now so you're ready for the warm weather when it arrives!
If you've been putting off repairs or repainting your bathroom, now's the time to do it. Ask your friends for help or just dedicate a day to tackle the chore yourself. Pump some tunes and reward yourself at the end of the day for a job well done!

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