TresSugar

You Asked: Where Did This Hatred Come From?

DearSugar — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I dated this guy for about six months and we mutually decided to break things off. Before dating, we were amazing friends; we hung out all the time and have always been in the same circle of friends. We agreed to remain good friends after ending it because neither of us wanted to lose the friendship. However, my continuing to hang out in our circle upset him to the point where he deleted/blocked me from MSN, removed pictures of me from his Facebook page, and wrote me an extremely rude email telling me that he no longer wanted to see me. Since receiving his harsh note, I have respected his wishes and we haven't talked or seen each other in two months.

Just today he removed me from his friend status on Facebook without any provocation. Naturally I'm upset by all of this and confused as to what his motives were. Does he hate me? - Aggravated Ashley

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Aggravated Ashley,

Although you guys wanted to remain friends after the breakup, it's pretty clear by his actions that he's not capable of doing so just yet. Perhaps he's more brokenhearted than he's letting on, or maybe he met someone else - we could make assumptions all day long but the only way you'll know what's really going on is if you ask him. He's going to be hard to avoid since you're in the same circle of friends so I'd write him an email asking if you can meet or talk to clear the air. Since you don't know where this behavior is coming from, chances are there's been some sort of misunderstanding, so before this gets too blown out of proportion, nip it in the bud ASAP. I hope you two can talk through everything and figure out if there's a way to at least be civil toward each other until your friendship can mend itself naturally. Good luck.

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You Asked: Should I Take My Ex Back As My Best Friend?

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me. It was completely out of the blue and I still can't understand why he did it. He gave me 20 different contradicting reasons, but the main point is that he doesn't want to be with me anymore; and it hurts a lot. He had planned out the rest of our lives right down to when we'd get married, what church, when we'd have kids and what town we'd live in.

We had been best friends for over two years before we got together but we always had this awesome connection. I was very excited when he asked me out, although I was concerned that I could lose his friendship if we ever broke up. I took the chance but now that we're done, he wants to go back to being just friends. I'm not sure if I'm able to do that. My friendship feelings for him are all wrapped up in the romantic ones. We are in the exact same circle of friends and they all think I should give it a try. Half the time I miss my best friend, but the other half hates him for breaking my heart. What should I do? - Crushed Cathy

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Crushed Cathy,

It's pretty clear that you still have some strong feelings around the breakup with your ex, so while going back to being just friends would be ideal, it will only work once you've let go of your romantic feelings for him. Since you're in the same circle of friends, you can remain cordial towards him, but it might just be too soon to jump right back into best friend status.

Crossing the friendship line is always a risk, but once the dust settles, hopefully you can see that your friendship is what brought you together in the first place. With time, maybe you both can work on rebuilding that connection but in the meantime, take all the distance you need to grieve your relationship. Good luck to you and try not to let your friends influence you to move too quickly.

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Do Tell: Do You Still Have the Same Circle of Friends?

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 11:00:00 -0700

The older we get, the harder it is to keep in touch with old friends. If you're one of the lucky ones, staying connected doesn't seem like a chore, but for most of us work, family, relationships, and distance can make it much more difficult. I still have my core friendships in tact, adding some and losing some along the way of course, but do tell, do you still run with the same circle of friends for the most part?

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Dear Poll: Would You Rather Date a Total Stranger or Someone You Already Know?

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

It's an ongoing debate - whether it's better to date a complete stranger or someone you already know. I prefer to date someone I've never met before but who I can make a connection with - knowing people in common just makes me feel more protected. Each option has its ups and downs, but I happen to think dating outside your circle of friends is more exciting; you can start from scratch without having preconceived notions about each other. Of course dating a man you know is easier, it could turn out to be even harder in the long run if things don't work out. No one way is better so tell me, which do you prefer?

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Hump Day: Where's My G-Spot?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I have decent enough sex with my boyfriend, but I don't always have an orgasm. I've heard that if my G-spot is stimulated, not only will I have a better chance of having an orgasm, but that it will be more intense. Is this true? Where is the G-spot?"

To hear Dr. Glickman's answer, read more.

Let’s start with a little anatomy.

The G-spot is a relatively small patch of tissue that you can find by inserting a finger into the vagina and curving towards the belly button (upwards if you’re on your back). Many women report that the G-spot is much easier to find if they’re already turned on because it engorges with blood. In fact, some women and their partners find that the G-spot can go from impossible to find to quite prominent during arousal. So start off with something that definitely works for you and then try adding G-spot explorations.

The G-spot surrounds the urethra and some folks find that stimulating it can feel sort of like needing to go to the bathroom. You may find it helpful to go to the bathroom before starting out so that you’ll know that your bladder is empty. Also, some women have discovered that G-spot play can result in female ejaculation. While scientists disagree about female ejaculation, we do know that it’s not urine and is chemically similar to men’s prostatic fluid. This makes sense, since the G-spot and the prostate are quite similar. If you’re concerned about it, put a towel down first so you can relax and enjoy the ride.

As far as whether G-spot play will rock your world or not, I can’t make any promises. Some women adore it and would never choose to have sex without it. Others find it uncomfortable or say that it just doesn’t do anything for them. As always when it comes to sex, your mileage may vary so don’t get stressed out if it doesn’t do much for you.

OK, so how do you actually do G-spot play? First, it may be easier if your boyfriend is the one wielding the fingers. It can be a bit awkward to try to reach it yourself. Some popular techniques include the “come-here” motion, making circles, tapping, stroking, or the “windshield wiper” movement. It may also be more fun if he’s pleasuring your clitoris at the same time, perhaps with his other hand or his mouth. Or you could use a hand or a vibrator on your clit.

If you want to use a toy for the G-spot, try something with a curve or a prominent head since those shapes makes it easier to hit the spot. Here are a few popular ones. Or you might enjoy one of the ”Rabbit” style vibrators.

For more detailed information about the G-spot, I’m a big fan of the DVD The Expert Guide to the G-Spot as well as the book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot.

If you’re looking for ways to increase your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse, you might find that some G-spot fun as a warm-up improves your odds. Even if G-spot play doesn’t result in an orgasm for you, if it increases your pleasure and arousal, that will probably make it easier to have an orgasm when doing something else. Or you could have a G-spot orgasm before having intercourse, if that works better for you. You could also see if using a vibrator or your fingers on your clitoris during sex does the trick. After all, 70 percent of women report that they need some clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, so you’d be in good company.

Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina - it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember - you want it to be fun!

Ask Someone Dealing With Depression: Should I Be Mad at My Friend For Telling People I'm Depressed?

TresSugar — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, someone who deals with depression gives advice to a woman who is mad at her friend for telling people in her circle that she is depressed. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I shared my struggles with depression with my closest female friend and told her that I did not want anyone else to know about it. She decided that because I wasn't answering her calls she would call the wife of a leader in our church and ask her for my husband's cell phone number so she could call him, asking about me. My "best friend" told the woman that I was going through something serious and when the woman said, "At least she's not seeking outside help" my friend said, "Well, I don't know for sure if she is or isn't."

Why else would she call her and say those things unless her intentions were to let her know about my situation and to inform her I "might" be seeking outside help for my depression? I found out about this conversation from the leader's wife and she only admitted to it after she knew that I knew about it. She insists that she only had my good in mind.

The thing is, it was a really huge deal to me that these people not be in on it because I know that they would attack me for being depressed in the first place, and also if I sought help outside of the church. The last thing I needed at that time was some church discipline. I was really suffering! I am so mad at my best friend for saying anything; should I forgive her?

Signed,

Angry and Depressed

To hear what someone dealing with depression has to say, read more.

Dear Angry and Depressed,

There seem to be three related but separate issues here: one is your anger at your friend, the second is the question of how your church is handling this, and the third is how to actually manage your struggle with depression.

As someone who has been through a lot with both depression and anxiety, I empathize with your situation. Depression hurts. As for your friend, I think you need to assess who this friend is to you, and whether she reached out to others because she was simply worried and didn't know how to handle it. While the outcome might have been a problem, if she did it out of legitimate concern I think she may be a real friend who just handled things badly because she cares and was confused about what to do.

My major concern with what you have said is that your church community thinks there is something wrong with getting outside help. Admittedly, I am not religious and have never belonged to a church, but I strongly feel that a community of any kind that is truly concerned with one of their members' well-being will support them in what they need, and not be judgmental about what that support might be. I think it would be worth explaining to your friend that what she might have considered finding you support actually feels like discipline, and that she needs to be more sensitive to what you need.

Finally there is the question of your depression itself. I do not want to assume you are in a situation where professional help from a therapist or doctor would be appropriate, but severe depression is something you need to talk to a professional about. If you feel like you are not getting help from your friends, family, or church, you're taking care of yourself by asking for outside help. Doctors are legally required to respect your privacy, and you could ask if they would refer you to a therapist.

Far more people struggle with depression than we can imagine when we are sitting alone with our thoughts, and there is support out there for you. You may just have been going through a rough patch and not need anything further, but depression is too serious a condition not to explore your options. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't seem like you can't find the right person to help you right away, but there are also lots of great people out there who can help. As for your friend, tell her how her action made you feel, give her the benefit of the doubt, and seek some relief for your pain from professionals. Good luck!

Hump Day: What Are Some Unconventional Erogenous Zones?

TresSugar — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

“I would like to be a better lover. What are some unconventional erogenous zones?” To hear Dr. Glickman's answer, read more

Well, I suppose that depends on who you ask. After all, what one person considers “unconventional” is someone else’s favorite place to visit. But even so, there are some spots that not everyone knows about.

For the guys, men’s nipples are an often-overlooked pleasure zone. Some guys like pinching or twisting, but get a firm grip first. Or try sucking on them. Either way, start off light and slowly increase until you find the right level.

You could also spend a little time with his prostate. The prostate gland is found by inserting a well-lubricated finger into the anus and curving it towards the navel. It’s about the size of a golf ball, although much softer. It’s very similar to the G-spot so try stroking it, making circles or a windshield-wiper motion. Prostate play is a great addition to oral sex and it makes lots of guys’ toes curl. If you’re concerned about anal play and cleanliness, grab a glove. Some men worry that anal play is strictly gay; but remember, who you want to have sex with doesn’t have to have anything to do with what types of sex you like. (Expert Guide to Anal Play for Men or Bend Over Boyfriend are good references.)

To make your girl smile, give her clitoris or her A-spot (between her cervix and G-spot) some attention. It's at the deepest part of the vagina on the front wall, so if someone is on her back, insert a slim, curved vibrator or dildo and curve it upwards. If she’s face down, curve it down. Fingers can work if they’re a bit longer than average, too. There’s still some controversy about the A-spot and it’s not clear yet how much different women enjoy stimulating it but some women report that A-spot play leads to more vaginal lubrication and intense orgasms.

Quite a few women also report that perineum massage feels wonderful. In part, it’s because the perineal sponge is there. It’s a sort of, well, spongy tissue that engorges during arousal and it contains lots of nerve endings. Try a massage or using a vibrator there, especially during oral sex. In addition, massaging the perineum can help the pelvic muscles relax, which increases blood flow and can make both vaginal and anal penetration easier.

Of course, all of these technical skills and hot spots won’t make you a better lover if you’re not paying attention to your partner. Ask them what their favorite spots are and how they like to be touched. Some people have difficult describing what they like, but there’s an easy way to work with that. Give them two options and ask them which one they liked better. That can make it a lot easier to get the info you need to give your sweetie a thrill.

Ask a Yankee Doodle Dandy: Is 30 Old?

TresSugar — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:00:03 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. To help us wrap up this past patriotic weekend, a person born on the Fourth of July will offer her common sense advice today. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I'm almost 31-years-old and single. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years about two years ago because he cheated on me and I could not live with that any longer. I was scared to be alone, but I hoped to find someone who loved me and stood by me. Well it's been two years and nothing. I actually have been jilted by three guys whom I liked. They all came on strong and then just vanished. I've gone over it a hundred times in my head to see if I was doing anything to drive them away, but came up with nothing. So I don't know why three guys thought I was not worthy of being with. I'm finding it really hard to meet anyone now. I'm feeling disillusioned and my self-esteem has taken a beating for sure.

What's not helping is that I have a 25-year-old co-worker who is also a friend. She does not let one day go without reminding me how young she is and how everything is working out in her life. She is going to school for what she wanted and quitting the job that we work at together. She puts the job down, she puts me down for being 30. I'm just tired of listening to it.

Well between being single and listening to her talk like this, I feel like my life totally sucks. I feel like such a failure for being single still . . . for being at this job . . . for just about everything.

What do I do?

To see what our Yankee Doodle Dandy has to say, read more.

Dear 30-year-old,

No matter how badly you are feeling right now, I feel like I should be directing my advice to your poor co-worker. Why is she so unhappy? She may act like she has it all, but trust me - something is eating away at her and that's why she is picking on you. When a person feels good about herself, she naturally wants to spread happiness. But don't waste your time trying to figure out her problem; just treat her kindly and make excuses to avoid hanging around her.

Now about you. I am sorry that you have had lousy situations with these guys. Obviously men find you date-able, but you have not met the right one. Oh well, you're only 30 years old; you've got so much time ahead of you. There are many women that I know who are in desirable committed relationships with men that they met after they were 35. The secret is: don't be influenced by guys who come on strong. When you meet a man, be sure to be yourself so he knows who you are from the beginning. Develop a relaxed attitude about dating. There is something very attractive about a woman who is slightly disinterested. Concentrate for a few months on being good to yourself. How about a little splurge to compensate for this dating pain? A facial, expensive purse, tickets to an opera?

About your job. If you really don't like it, investigate other opportunities. In this recession, you may want to thank your stars that you have a job, and find ways to grow a little at work. (Do not discuss this with your co-worker.) Every Monday, go into the office with a plan to do something differently, to change a routine. And each week, determine, by your actions and words, to improve the mood of one person at work, in your family, or circle of friends.

A wonderful love is in your future, and then you will experience not only fireworks, but also the lasting glow of a Roman candle.

You Asked: What Should I Plan For Her Bachelorette Party?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My long-time boyfriend’s only sister is getting married next year and she asked me to be her maid of honor. I’m absolutely thrilled and honored to be so involved with her wedding, as she’s an amazing woman. That being said, we are friendly, but we’re not best friends. In general, the bride-to-be doesn’t have any close friends outside of her family because she and her fiancé live a pretty isolated lifestyle - I think she asked me because she didn't have anyone else to ask.

This puts me in a really weird position when it comes to planning pre-wedding activities because the bride-to-be isn’t the party type. I want this genuinely sweet woman to have an amazing time celebrating her last days as a single girl but I have no idea what to plan for her bachelorette party. Do you have any suggestions? - Maid of Honor to Be Betsy

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Maid of Honor to Be Betsy,

Being someone's maid of honor is a great privilege, but it also comes with its fair share of pressure too. Since she doesn't have a large circle of friends and she's not the partying type, why don't you set up a spa day followed by a nice dinner out for her bachelorette party? Celebrating your last days of singledom doesn't need to be all about strip clubs, penis paraphernalia and alcohol; it can be just as fun to relax with family. If she doesn't want to go out at all, another fun option is to organize a potluck dinner followed by a night of girly movies in your sweatpants. Something to keep in mind: bachelorette parties don't have to be girl only events so you could always throw her a co-ed party!

The best advice I can give you is to listen to the clues she gives out and go from there. If you take her personality into play, I'm sure anything you plan will be a great way to ring in her new wife status! Have fun!

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