TresSugar

Where Do You Stand? Changing Your Name When You Get Married

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

I have a close friend who's getting married and she has an amazing last name. It's so awesome, in fact, that everyone refers to her by it. Her dilemma then is, should she change her last name and take on her husband's after saying I do? It's a tough decision for any woman: giving up your identity to take on your man's is not a decision that should be taken lightly. Some women may find comfort in the idea of becoming a family and both having the same last name whereas others prefer to hold on to her own family roots; and then there are those who stay safe somewhere in the middle. It's totally a personal preference, so where do you stand on this issue? After getting married, will you take on your partner's last name?

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You Asked: What's in a Name Anyway?

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I'm getting married in four months. My fiancé and I have been in a bit of a tussle over the past year regarding what to do with my last name. I have no desire to change it for a number of reasons like the fact that his name always gets mispronounced in a derogatory fashion, and my first and last names go so well together. I'm a scientist with multiple publications under my last name, and I really want to maintain my own identity, both personally and professionally. I finally decided I would be the bigger person in this situation and compromise. I offered to hyphenate my name, but my fiancé has made it very clear that this still isn't good enough.
We recently received an email from our band leader with a list of questions related to the music at the wedding, and among them, we were asked how we wanted to be introduced when walking into the reception. I just put down our first names and when he saw this, he threw a fit. He said we need to be introduced as The "HisLastNames." He has picked multiple fights over this lately and I really don't know what to do. I'm concerned that if we are introduced as Mr & Mrs HisLastName, it will set precedence for everyone to call me Mrs. HisLastName for the rest of my life. Am I being too stubborn here and should I just give in and agree to change my name altogether? I don't want to start the marriage off on the wrong foot, but it really upsets me that he refuses to take my point of view into consideration. It makes me feel like I am his personal property and when I bring this up to him, he just gets angry. Am I the one being out of line here, or is there some way to help him understand my side so we can reach an agreement?
- Maiden Name Nancy

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Maiden Name Nancy,

Changing your name is a very personal decision and while it's traditional to do so, it's not by any means mandatory. You're fiancé sounds very old-fashioned and while I'm sure it's his ideal to have your name be Mrs. HisLastName, people keep their maiden names all the time for reasons just like yours, work being the most common one. Have you considered changing your name personally but not professionally? Or what about changing your middle name to your maiden name?

I don't think you're being out of line for standing your ground, but I do think you should both take a step back and look at each other's points of view. Since you both feel so strongly, one of you is going to have to compromise here. Planning a wedding is hard enough as it is, so if you can't come to a middle ground, perhaps you should put off this decision until after the wedding - you never know if one of you could have a change of heart. And if you decide to be introduced as Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName on your wedding night that doesnt mean you've "caved" per se, it might just mean your excited to be the new wife of your new husband. I hope I was of some help, and good luck.

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Group Therapy: Changing your name...

Tue, 22 May 2007 03:00:00 -0700

I was wondering if I could get some thoughts on this. I'm engaged and from the beginning of our relationship, I told my boyfriend that I was not going to change my last name after we were married and that if he really wanted me to, I'd hyphenate. My last name is rather important to me as it's long and Italian and I'm very proud of where I come from and what I've gone through with it (I grew up in small town Midwest so I was teased a lot). In the beginning of our relationship, he said that my not changing my name was fine but last night, out of nowhere, he started telling me how important it was to him for me to change my name. It upset me as I thought that matter was discussed and decided upon. He also had no definitive reason for me to do this. So, Sugar girls, changing your name after marriage: a wonderful tradition or out-dated? Is hyphenation a valid compromise?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Ask a Woman Unwilling to Settle: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names

TresSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is domestic violence awareness month. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

This week's question:

"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"

Signed,

In Pain

To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more

Dear In Pain:

GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!

The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear.

I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now-nothing.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!)

You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for?

Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now!

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Astrology: Do You Believe in Saturn's Return?

TresSugar — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:00:00 -0700

If you're anywhere between 27 and 30 and have ever had, oh, a problem, someone might tell you not to worry - or, actually do worry. It's all part of a perfect celestial storm known as Saturn's return. Taking about 29 years to orbit the Earth, Saturn returns to the place it was in at your birth every 29 years. This means one thing to astrologers - rebirth!

Birth is painful; rebirth isn't much better, especially considering Saturn is a sign of growth. Astrologers believe Saturn's return represents life changes: the first time it returns in your late 20s, you enter adulthood. The next time, around 60, you enter maturity, and the final time, at 90, you enter the wisdom of old age. None of it comes easy.

So what does Saturn's return mean for those approaching 30? It's out with the old and in with the new: self-examination, career changes, bad relationships ending, good relationships deepening, and, hey, maybe you'll have a baby! To which I say, these are all things that happen anyway.

Yet, Saturn's return is all over pop culture. No Doubt named its 2000 album Return of Saturn as Gwen Stefani approached her 29th birthday; there's a book - Surviving Saturn's Return - about it; and then there's this amazing blog that connects Saturn's return with events in celebrities lives. It's quite morbid, actually, blaming Annie Leibovitz's money troubles and the deaths of John Hughes, Heath Ledger, and Julia Child on the return of Saturn.

Sound about right to you, or should the idea return to outer space?

Source Flickr User LarsOh

Ask an Intern: I'm Jealous of My Boyfriend's Female Friend!

TresSugar — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 08:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, our fabulous new intern dispenses advice to a woman who is beginning to wonder if her boyfriend's female friend is "just a friend." If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I've been dating this wonderful guy for two years now. Lately, though, I've gotten really insecure about myself and the relationship.

During the last six months, there's been a girl that he has started hanging out with more frequently. They go to school together and often have breakfast or go to sporting events. (I see him about twice a week.) I feel like I should relax and let him have his female friends, but I can't get over the fact that they might not just be friends. (He told me once he didn't think men and women could be platonic friends.) I get this awful sick feeling every time he mentions her name, I don't know if its jealousy or insecurity, but I just feel bad!

I tried talking to him about it a few months ago, and all he said was that I'm the one for him and he can't help it if his friends are hot. (That didn't help me feel much better!) I know we are in an adult relationship and he is allowed to choose his friends, so how can I change the way I think and feel so that I'm OK with it? Help!

Insecure and Hating It. To hear what an intern has to say about this, read more

Dear Insecure and Hating It,

I often shy away from confronting people with my insecurities and worries, but I have come to realize that if I am having a dilemma then it’s best to just talk about it. Have you asked your boyfriend if he is romantically interested in this other woman? If not, then you should. It’s a legitimate question and don’t be afraid to ask him what their relationship is and how he feels about her. It’s good to talk about things and get them in the open.

If you’re not ready to talk, maybe ask him if you can join them on their outings and then use the power of observation to see what their relationship is like. But remember, it’s good to be direct. I’m personally tired of playing games and while the natural inclination may be to find yourself a new cute guy friend to stir jealousy, I doubt that will work. Good luck!

70% of Americans Think a Bride Should Take Husband's Name

TresSugar — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Worrying that "the mailman would get confused" or that "society wouldn’t function as well if women did not change their names," 70 percent of Americans say that new brides should take their husband's last name. Even more shocking, the study presented yesterday at the American Sociological Association’s annual meeting found that 50 percent of respondents thought it should be made a legal requirement for women to change their names to their husbands'!

The reasons given ranged from religious beliefs to social convenience - some people actually suggested that the post office might be confused if there were people living at the same address with two different names. Really? What about everyone living with roommates?! Some respondents also seemed to have forgotten the inconveniences a woman must face if she wants to change her name after she gets married. I guess those inconveniences don't count.

It seems obvious to me that the law should never mandate that a married woman ditch her maiden name. Then again, perhaps there's nothing very liberating about keeping your "own" last name anyway, since the name belonged to a man in the first place. Let's all just make up new names and see how the post office handles that.

Hump Day: Is My Cold Sore Contagious?

TresSugar — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“I know that cold sores are the same virus as herpes. Is it a bad idea to go down on my boy when I have one? Is it transmissible that way?” To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Dr. Glickman's Answer:

YES!!!

There are two types of herpes virus: HSV-1 and HSV-2. Oral herpes is usually HSV-1 and it’s estimated that 80 percent of the population has been exposed to it. Genital herpes is usually HSV-2 and it’s estimated that 25 percent of women and 12 percent of men have it. However, genital herpes can be caused by either version of the virus, so going down on someone when you have a cold sore (another name for a herpes outbreak) can spread it. To make things a bit more complicated, only about 1/3 of the people who have genital herpes are aware of it - either they’ve never had an outbreak or the outbreak was very mild. (See herpes.com for more info.)

Part of what makes herpes tricky is that it can be transmitted even when you don’t have a visible outbreak. The virus lives in your nervous system and every so often, it’ll come to the surface. It’s especially likely to happen when you’re sick or have been stressed for a while. There’s evidence that the virus starts shedding from the skin (and is therefore potentially contagious) before any visible symptoms. It’s a low risk, but it’s a possibility. To make matters worse, if the site of the shedding isn’t covered by a condom, it can be spread even when you’re practicing safer sex.

While herpes can be uncomfortable, it doesn’t represent nearly as much risk as other sexually transmissible infections (STIs) such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, human papilloma virus (HPV), or HIV. Having said that, there’s evidence that HSV-2 makes HIV transmission more likely. See this article for more information about how that works.

It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve seen a lot of people get really upset about STIs when they don’t get nearly as upset about any other health issue. I’ve also seen a lot of people who have all sorts of judgment about STIs but think nothing of going to work and sharing their flu germs (or worse)! STIs can be unpleasant, annoying, or life-threatening, but they don’t mean anything about the person who has them any more than chicken pox or measles do. Negative attitudes about STIs are a holdover from before we invented antibiotics and when diseases such as syphilis were seen as the wages of sin. But now we know that they’re just germs and we don’t need to shame people for having them. (Not that I’m saying that you’re doing that, but I wanted to mention it.)

The best thing that we can all do is to get tested for STIs regularly, even if you’ve never had a symptom. Lots of people have STIs and don’t know it. Check your local Planned Parenthood or other agency for information, although I recommend going with anonymous testing in order to ensure your privacy.

And safer sex is always a good choice. It’s easy to do, with a little practice. Using a lubricant can make safer sex more enjoyable since latex tends to have a bit more friction than skin. Try a silicone-based brand if you’re prone to yeast infections. Water-based brands are a bit easier to clean up since they rinse away.

If you or your partner don’t like the way condoms feel, try a different brand. The Japanese-process condoms such as Maxx and Skinless Skin are more sheer than other types. Or you could give Skyn a whirl. It’s made from polyisoprene, rather than latex, so it’s very sheer and both people will get more sensation.

Given that you have oral herpes, you might want to talk with your boyfriend about using condoms for oral sex. If you go that route, change the condom before having intercourse. That will make sure that you don’t spread the herpes virus to your vulva or vagina. It’ll also reduce the risk of your condom breaking; teeth can cause small abrasions that weaken the condom.

For an excellent, sex-positive read on safer sex, check out The Hot Guide to Safer Sex . It’s full of helpful advice and great tips.

Craigslist Drops Ads For Erotic Services

TresSugar — Wed, 13 May 2009 15:00:00 -0700

Prior to garnering a namesake killer, Craigslist took a laissez-faire approach to erotic advertising. The site offered a gold mine for anyone looking to sell, or pay for, sex.

After the murders of call girls who advertised on the site, the classifieds giant will no longer advertise "erotic services." Craigslist announced today that it will create a new "adult services" category. (Semantics can be so sexy.) The change goes further than the name: Craigslist employees will monitor the site, and initial postings will cost $10.

For a while now, law enforcers around the country have argued that Craigslist abetted prostitution with its hands-off approach. If you're wondering how blatant ads for prostitution went on for so long, federal law says that online hosts cannot be held responsible if third-party posters violate the law.

Still, public pressure motivated Craigslist to make a change. It also noted in its statement that the site's violent crime rate is far lower than the violent crime rate associated with print classified and throughout general American society.

Do you think Craigslist is taking a responsible approach, or is this just "erotic services" with another name?

Elementary School Changes Its Name To Barack Obama's

LibertySugar — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 00:01:40 -0800

Ever since Barack Obama won the general campaign students at the school formally known as Ludlum Elementary School have been campaigning to name the school after the 44th President. After convincing the school board only weeks after the election, the school held its own little inauguration yesterday, becoming the first to adopt Barack Obama's name.

At the name-changing ceremony students wore sweatshirts with the new name and the logo "Yes We Can." As you might guess, the young students are civic-minded - during the campaign they held mock debates and followed both candidates closely.

Schools named after George W. Bush popped up before he made it back to retire in Texas. Would you want your kid, or any kids, to attend a school named after Barack Obama?

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