TresSugar

Have You Ever Been Blindsided by a Breakup?

TresSugar — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 11:30:00 -0700

If you've been following the saga of Jessica Simpson's love life, you may have heard that the singer was blindsided by her recent breakup with football star Tony Romo.

While there may be a fine line between normal relationship troubles and serious warning signs, I think most people get a feeling that something's up before one partner decides the relationship has run its course. Still, I have a few friends who have been completely caught off guard when their significant others decided it was time to become exes. Has this ever happened to you?

Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Bartender

TresSugar — Mon, 18 May 2009 06:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend who was also my best friend has left me, very cruelly. Ten days after the breakup, he started posting pictures of himself with a new girlfriend on Facebook! I hate my job in the family business and want to go abroad. My parents are extremely unhappy about this. None of my friends are here anymore; they have all moved out of town, either getting married or getting a career. I am lonely. I don't even have anyone to go watch a movie with.

Although I have a postgraduate degree, I am not confident that I will find a job in this economic climate, after three years of working in the family. My mom has been diagnosed with an ovarian cyst, which may or may not be malignant. Being the only child, now I am duty bound to take care of her, postponing my rebellious move out of the country. I am 26 and have no idea where my life is going. I have taken to popping Xanax and sleeping off my days; I prefer my dreams to my reality. I wake up at nights with a thumping heart and read novels as long as I am awake. Show me a way. Tell me what to do . . . please. I need help!

- Woeful With Wanderlust

To see what the bartender had to say, read more.

Dear Woeful,

I am not sure where to begin here. I seriously had to shake myself a stiff martini before I could delve into all of your issues. It sounds like someone has been having the only kind of party that is not any fun: a pity party. It's time to splash some cold water on your face, snap out of your benzo-induced haze, and do some serious soul searching.

Although your ex-boyfriend's behavior may seem cruel, he might have been unhappy for a long time and checked out of the relationship months prior to making the move. People get lazy in that comfortable space and often don't have the gumption to break up with the person until they meet someone else. You should be thankful that he had the decency to break up with you rather than carry on some torrid affair based on the fear that he didn't want to hurt you.

I am going to take a stab in the dark here and guess that you were one of those girls who let her friendships wane, instead spending nights at home watching movies with your boyfriend. Please learn something from this experience. You should only have to experience that feeling of complete and utter aloneness once in your lifetime. Having a great group of friends always helps ease the pain of a breakup. They are there to remind you what a fun, smart, and sexy person you are and can say things like, "There are so many other fish in the sea," and "We always thought he was a douchebag but just didn't have the heart to tell you."

As far as your family and career go, yes, yes, yes to living abroad. Become bilingual, trilingual, quadlingual. People automatically respect you. If you're worried about dilly dallying away your time while our economy is in the crapper, do some volunteer work in another country. I have a sense that you might be a business-minded gal; what about helping women in South America write business plans? Just a thought, but I am sure there are programs applicable to your profession out there, and I am a firm believer in always trying to better yourself.

You seem like you have been the dutiful daughter for far too long. Since you are the only child, I am sure your parents are going to be nervous, but they obviously love you and will not disown you for making an independent decision. Now, if your mom truly does have ovarian cancer, maybe consider a month-long trip oversees - in which case, party your ass off - instead of relocation.

Lastly, lay off the freaking Xanax. Benzodiazepines are highly addictive with long-term use. Your words suggest anxiety and depression, which I predict is a product of your current situation and hopefully not a chemical imbalance that needs medical attention. You seem like a hardworking, sensitive, and smart woman. Empower yourself instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Always trust your gut; it never lies. And don't forget to tip your bartender.

Click here to find out more about Conventional Wisdom and here to submit a question.

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You Asked: I Want Him Out!

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:01:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has been living with me for over a year now. He is unemployed and a generally nice guy, but I'm no longer in love with him. I constantly tell him how I feel, but he just brushes me off - I think he thinks I'm joking. He stays home all day but never looks for work, he hasn't helped out around the house in months, and while I don't want to leave him high and dry, I just can't do it anymore - he's starting to drive me nuts! What should I do? - Over Him Hayden

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Over Him Hayden,

If you're ready to end this relationship, end it, because you'll only be doing your boyfriend a disservice by staying with him out of fear or obligation. Since he isn't taking your words to heart, it's clearly time for a serious talk. Figure out what you want your next steps to be and let him know where you stand. I understand that you don't want to leave him in the lurch, so perhaps you can put your heads together to come up with a temporary plan until he can get his feet back on the ground. This won't be easy, but if you're unhappy, something has to change. Good luck to you.

Source

Dear Poll: Would You Dump a Guy Over a Bad Kiss?

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 07:30:00 -0700

I believe that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they kiss. Sharing that passionate connection without verbal communication is a great way to determine if the chemistry is there, but as we all know, sometimes a first kiss can be less than impressive. Unfortunately, this is bad news for all the men out there, because according to Dr. Laura Burman, 66 percent of women said they'd actually dump a guy after a bad first kiss! I think that's a bit rash, but I'm curious to know if bad kissing in general is a deal-breaker to you, so tell me ladies . . .

Source

You Asked: Should She Stand Up For Herself?

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My friend hooked up with this guy who has a reputation for being a player. We warned her to be cautious, but she said the chemistry they had was different. Things were great between them for a couple of months, but then she had to unexpectedly move due to a family emergency. They tried long distance, but he gave up after making promises of waiting for her, finding her a job in his city, living together, etc., and now my friend is heartbrokenly devastated. It hurts me to see her like this, and she is thinking of sending him an email, telling him what a jerk he is. I don't think that's a good way to approach this - I say just let it be and try to move on - but what do you think she should do? She's desperately asking us for advice, and I don't know what to tell her. - Helping a Friend Heather

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Helping a Friend Heather,

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out between them, but I'm glad to hear that she has supportive friends looking out for her. While I don't necessarily think it's a good idea to write him an email simply to bash him, I do understand why she might feel the need to express her feelings and perhaps get some closure so she can move on.

Since you think she should take a different approach, the best thing you can do is just support whatever decision she makes. I hope she can put this relationship behind her sooner rather than later - good luck.

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Am I Even in Love With Him?

DearSugar — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Conflicted Constance need your help. She feels like she moved too fast in her relationship and now she's unsure if she even loves her live-in boyfriend anymore. What advice do you have for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year, and I just recently moved in with him. He is 10 years older than me, he has his life together, he's smart, makes me feel safe, is in love with me, and would do anything for me. But recently I have been wondering if we are right for each other. I think I moved in prematurely and now I am unsure if it was the right decision at all. Something has definitely changed between us and I'm left longing for more. He is a great person, but I wonder if I'm only with him because he is stable and trustworthy, more than the fact that I am madly in love. When I think about leaving him, I feel sad that I wouldn't have him in my life anymore, but I am conflicted - I don't want to settle either. How do I know if he's right for me? Do you have any advice for how I can figure this out? - Conflicted Constance

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Where Do You Stand? Breaking Up and Getting Back Together

DearSugar — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Jimmy Kimmel joined the ladies of The View yesterday, fresh off his second breakup with Sarah Silverman - which was of course one of their first topics of conversation. He didn't divulge too much information, but when Barbara Walters asked if their relationship was over for good this time, he said she'll have to ask Sarah - in other words, he wasn't opposed to the idea.

A lot of you feel that taking breaks can be beneficial to a relationship, but tell me where you stand on the notion of breaking up and getting back together. Does the drama bring a level of excitement back to the relationship, or is all the uncertainty just a recipe for disaster?

Source

You Asked: Can I Reuse My Old Engagement Ring?

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 13:03:22 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I was engaged two and a half years ago but things didn't work out and we broke up. I still have the ring, which I picked out and I still love - it's my absolute dream engagement ring.

My new boyfriend and I have been talking pretty seriously about getting engaged, and I was wondering if it would be horrible to use my old ring again. I was thinking of getting a band added to it or maybe getting it blessed by my church, but is that totally tacky and weird? - Trying to be Practical Becky

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Being Practical Becky,

I understand that you love this engagement ring, and while I don't think it's weird to want to reuse it, I do think it's imperative that you talk with your boyfriend and ask him how he feels about the matter before giving it any more thought. Since that ring was originally given to you by another man - a relationship that didn't work out mind you - he might have some strong aversions to you wearing it again under different pretenses.

If he has no problem with the idea, I say go for it! I would recommend, however, doing something to it to make it feel unique to your current relationship. Add a band like you said, or reset the stone - anything to make it seem new again.

I hope I was of some help and hopefully you can put the ring to good use soon!

Source

Where Do You Stand? Taking a Break in the Beginning of a Relationship

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Most of you think taking breaks in a relationship is a good thing (if need be) but when I heard a friend of mine tell me she wanted to take a break from her long-distance boyfriend after only a month of dating, I couldn't help but think, what's the point?

The beginning of a relationship is usually the best part - who doesn't love those butterflies in your stomach? - so do you think taking a break during that time is just a buffer before ending the relationship for good? Or do you think a break is a good thing no matter when it's taken?

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Sunday Confessional - I Followed My Ex

DearSugar — Sun, 08 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I recently broke up and I've been devastated ever since. As a way to cheer me up, my girlfriends planned a night out on the town to "get me back out there again." They told me I could pick the place, which is where my confession comes into play.

Since the split, I've been following my ex on Twitter and he posted where he was going to be Saturday night. I didn't tell my friends this, but I chose the same place for our girls night. We did in fact run into each other, and it was an unfortunate nightmare of an evening. It was all my fault, I'm totally aware of that, but I'm feeling incredibly guilty for ruining the fabulous night my girls had planned for me. I learned my lesson - I will never follow my ex again - so can I be forgiven?

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