TresSugar

Where Do You Stand? Wedding Roasts

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 08:00:00 -0700

The rehearsal dinner night has become much more than just practicing your place in the wedding processional. It's become an event all in its own and often ends up being the most fun part of the wedding weekend. Since only the maid of honor and best man are supposed to speak on the actual wedding night, the rehearsal dinner is where the bride and groom's friends can say a few words about the happy couple. I've been to my fair share of weddings so I've heard my share of speeches, and I must say, the heartwarming ones are by far my favorite. Of course, the roasting approach gets people laughing, but there's a thin line that can easily be crossed, especially when there's alcohol involved. I'm sure you've witnessed both variations so tell me, where do you stand on taking the roast approach to a wedding toast?

Source

Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

Speed Read! Jon Stewart Takes on Rogue Warrior Sarah Palin

TresSugar — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:30:58 -0800

Jon Stewart explains that his problem with Sarah Palin has nothing to do with her looks or her family. - Daily Show
Texas may have accidentally banned all marriage when it banned gay marriage in 2005. - The Frisky
Sexist man alive Jon Hamm is missing from People's Sexiest Men Alive list. - Best Week Ever
Conservatives are over Carrie Prejean thanks to her sex tapes. - The Daily Beast
Old law still bans women from wearing pants in Paris. Ouf! - Telegraph
John Kerry's daughter Alexandra was arrested on suspicion of DUI. - TMZ
Brush up on New Moon before you see the movie. - BuzzSugar
Literary Review's bad sex in fiction award. - Guardian
Computer nerds strip for charity. - Huffington Post

Ask an Older Woman: Help! My Friend's With a Married Man

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's question: One of my good friends has been seeing a married man for about a year. He also just happens to be her boss. When we get together, she bombards me with the details of their relationship. He tells her he's never been happier, and that he'll leave his wife for her soon (yeah, we've heard that one before!) and she seems to believe him. My problem with this whole thing is that not only am I sick of listening to her, and of course could tell her so, but I've lost respect for her. Is it wrong to break up with a friend who's doing things I find morally reprehensible? Is there anything I can do to get through to her that what she is doing is horrible for her, not to mention this man's wife?

Signed, Confused Friend.

To hear what an older woman has to say, read more
Dear Confused Friend,

Ahh, the folly of youth. For every bad relationship I bored my friends with, I in turn listened to details about men (or women) they were with who didn't deserve them. It's part of being a friend.

My best advice to you is to be honest with your friend. You don't mention if you've told her how you feel, or if you did, how she reacted. If you haven't, now is the time to start. Tell her you care about her, but you think that contributing to cheating is morally messed up, and that in the end she's probably just going to get hurt. (I guess "the other woman" sometimes ends up with the guy, but who wants to end up with a cheater?) Also, sleeping with your married boss? Pretty dumb. Do other people in her office know? This is not good for her professional life either. I'd tell her that, too, although it's hard to imagine an adult who doesn't know this.

If you really like this friend and this is the only thing she's done that makes you question her character, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. There's only so much advice we can give people. If you've told her how you feel and she continues with this affair, that's her decision. If she steers you toward this topic when you hang out, just let her know you don't feel comfortable listening to it anymore.

Sometimes, though, if friends do sketchy things, those acts are a window into the rest of their sketchy selves. I had a friend who not only cheated on her husband once, but throughout their marriage, and I began to notice that her behavior towards him mirrored her behavior towards me and everyone else. She was selfish, narcissistic and unable to ever admit fault. We'd had fun partying together when we were younger, but as we grew older, I realized I needed to respect my friends. After a blowout fight when she said horrible things to me, I took it as my cue to get out, and I dumped her.

You're in a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. If you can't be honest with her, maybe you aren't really great friends to begin with, in which case slowly turning down her invitations to hang out and discuss him should send her a message. Good luck!

Do, Dump, or Marry? Nacho Figueras

TresSugar — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 13:00:00 -0700

If Nacho Figueras were not a real person, Harlequin romance writers would have to invent him. Tall, dark, and handsome? Check. International man of mystery, aka a freaking professional polo player from Argentina? Check. A man whose first name evokes one of my favorite snacks? Check.

Yesterday, I told you about a poll asking 15,000 women which country had the best male lovers? Fuzzles reminded us that the poll must be flawed, because Argentina and the beautiful Nacho were nowhere to be found. What do you think about this gorgeous model for Ralph Lauren Polo? (If you want to suggest someone we haven't included yet, join our Do, Dump, or Marry? group and suggest a hottie!)

International House of Beefcakes: Who's the Best?

TresSugar — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:00:00 -0700

Global research site OnePoll.com asked 15,000 women from 20 countries to rate the men they've slept with based on their country of origin, and the results are in: Germans were ranked the world's worst lovers because of their rankness, Brits came in second because they're "lazy," and the Swedes were deemed "too quick to finish," finishing third in this list no man wants to be on.

I like a little natural body odor on my bedmates (it beats a dude who reeks of cheap cologne), so I'm not sure this list works for everyone. But lazy and too quick? These can't be positive attributes of any lover.

I love that, although there were reasons listed for why certain men sucked in bed, the men who were considered good in bed needed no explanation at all. To modify the first line of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina: "All ~~happy families~~ good lovers are alike; each ~~unhappy family~~ bad lover is ~~unhappy~~ bad in ~~its~~ his own way." To see the five best and worst international lovers list as well as to see how American men fared, read more.

Worst Lovers

1. Germany (because too many smell bad)
2. England (because they're lazy)
3. Sweden (because of premature ejaculation issues)
4. Holland (because they're over-dominant)
5. US (because they're too rough)

World's Best Lovers

1. Spain
2. Brazil
3. Italy
4. France
5. Ireland

Hump Day: My Boyfriend Is a One-Minute Man

TresSugar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"My boyfriend has premature ejaculation problems, and it's a little frustrating for me. As far as I know, he doesn't have any health problems. Is this psychological? Can I help him fix this?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

One of the challenges when talking about premature ejaculation is coming up with a common definition for it. Masters & Johnson defined it as when a man ejaculates before his (female) partner at least half of the time. Others have tried to define it as when he orgasms within two minutes of starting to have intercourse. That kind of definition works better in some ways, especially since many women don’t orgasm from intercourse. Ultimately, the “problem” of premature ejaculation rests on whether it causes concern for either person and since you’ve said that you’re finding it frustrating, that’s good enough for me.

There are a lot of potential causes of premature ejaculation, from the physical to the psychological. It can be caused by anxiety and stress, hormonal imbalances, prostate health issues, and relationship difficulties. With all of these possible reasons, some of which need a medical exam to detect, there’s no way for me to tell you what’s causing it for him. Having said that, there are some tips that I can offer you. Bear in mind that these assume that there aren’t any medical factors complicating the situation.

First off, anxiety is a common cause of both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, worrying about whether it’ll happen can make it happen, creating a self-fulfilling prediction. One of the best ways to address that is to widen your definition of what you consider sex and pleasure to be. If you can let go of the focus on intercourse and enjoy the buffet of sexual options, the worry tends to decrease. It can be really helpful to talk about how you might make that happen when you’re not having sex or just afterwards. If he’s feeling embarrassed about the situation, it’s probably going to be a lot easier to have the conversation when the clothes are still on.

Another factor that can influence when a guy ejaculates is what position he’s in. For many men, being on top seems to make him orgasm more quickly, while lying back and being straddled can make things last longer. While I’m not aware of any actual research on this, I’ve heard stories from enough men to suggest that you give it a try and see what happens.

Still another reason that some men ejaculate more quickly than they or their partners might like is that they don’t know how to work with their sexual energy. Modern tantra and other similar practices offer many men a lot of useful tools and tips for lasting longer. While this approach might not be everyone’s cup of tea, I think it’s worth looking into. Check out Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Man for a really interesting and easy-to-read take on this. He also has a book for women and one for couples.

Also, some men report that one of the best ways to last longer is to be on the receiving end of a little more foreplay. Actually, I dislike the word “foreplay” since it implies that everything else is just a lead-up to “real sex.” But leaving that aside, many of us are familiar with the idea that lots of women prefer/enjoy/need some warm-up before intercourse. What you might not know is that a slower approach can be a great thing for lots of guys, too. Men’s sexual arousal isn’t just about getting an erection; ramping up can increase how much sexual energy he can maintain. Or to put it another way, just because some guys can hit the ground running doesn’t change the fact that a little warm-up makes it a lot easier. So try extending how much time you give oral sex, hand-jobs, kissing, whatever. It can help him relax and increase his arousal, both of which reduce anxiety and can make it easier for him to last longer.

To get to the last question that you ask, there are some things you can do to help him but he needs to be willing to deal with this situation in the first place. A lot of men feel ashamed of early ejaculation, even though a lot of men experience it, at least sometimes. One of the best things you can do is to talk about it with him at a time when you’re not having sex. Right after it happens is probably not ideal since he’s having whatever feelings this brings up for him. And yes, men have feelings, even when (or especially when) they don’t know how to show them!

Michelle Williams: "Become the Man You Want to Marry"

TresSugar — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 09:00:00 -0700

"'Become the man you want to marry.’ I’ve taken that on. What qualities do I find attractive, and can I find them in myself? What am I missing? Can I be that for myself?"

In the October issue of Vogue, Michelle Williams paraphrases Gloria Steinem's quote "we are becoming the men we wanted to marry." Maybe it's the lilting rhythm, but we can't help but hear echoes of the famous Ghandi quote "be the change you want to see." Put those two together, and Michelle may have just dished out the best relationship advice I've ever heard.

Meet Matchmaker Amy Andersen, Part II

TresSugar — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 09:10:00 -0700

Yesterday I shared part one of my interview with Amy Andersen, a high-end matchmaker who works with 800 successful singles. Amy tries to bring together young professionals who are interested in finding like-minded, quality matches - all for a price, of course; specifically, her rate is $6,000 for eight matches. In today's installment, Amy talks about modern dating and traditional gender roles.

Is traditional dating on the way to becoming obsolete thanks to the more casual hookup?

Amy Andersen: I think the causal hookup is fine when you are in your early to mid-20s, but for anyone who has chosen a career path that is more rooted in academia and a solid professional track, they crave dating through a more traditional and old world experience.

To be honest, tons of women get sick of guys who are forgetful or, frankly, who have become terribly spoiled and too lazy to show their dates what it means to be a gentleman. My clients are absolutely relieved to hear that this network adheres to a very old world approach, one with manners and chivalry. For the men, this means opening doors, being complimentary to their dates, not expecting that they will come upstairs for a quickie at the end of the night, instead looking forward to a kiss on the cheek. For our female clients, this means allowing oneself to embrace their femininity, take a deep breath, relax, allow the man to "be the man" and the woman to "be a woman."

To find out if all of Amy's clients are into this approach, and to see what exactly Amy means by "being a woman," read more.

Are all your clients into this approach?

AA: We find that it is a common misconception that a woman who is high-powered, extremely well educated, and attractive cannot accentuate her femininity on a date or in life without undermining her business acumen and strengths. Instead both can balance one another and be complementary, not the opposite. Another great reason why it is so fabulous to be a woman!

What does it mean exactly for a man to be a man?

AA: For a man to be a man, it means taking the lead when dating. It means allowing him to be a gentleman and not "castrating" him because he is trying to be chivalrous. It means allowing him to open the doors, walk on the outside of the street, to suggest a wine he likes at dinner that he thinks his date will like, to let him feel special on the date. Men want to feel useful and that they will be a provider for their ultimate mate, so sometimes when women are so used to be overly independent, men will wonder, "Where do I fit into this picture?"

And what does it mean for a woman to be a woman?

AA: Although she might be in control in every aspect of her life, it means being gracious, ladylike, exuding her femininity, and not taking the reins on the date as she might be used to in her work life. It means talking about things other than work, it means flirting, being silly at times, and not being so serious. It means putting on a skirt or dress, wearing a little lip gloss, and being thankful for being a woman. I’m not suggesting that a woman should be submissive or not use her mind; it is quite the opposite. Our guys in Linx crave cerebral and opinionated women, but she should let her date feel that he is worthy and attractive.

What do you make of Amy's thoughts on gender roles? Stay tuned to find out what Amy has to say about her female clients and the best way to meet a guy.

Britain to Impose Booze-Ban on "Antisocial" Drunks

TresSugar — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Starting today, anyone who behaves "antisocially" while drunk can be banned from pubs, bars, and other public places in England and Wales for up to two years.

Many people in Britain believe that drastic policing like this must be used to change the culture of heavy drinking. But not everyone is on board with the latest crackdowns - or booze antisocial behavior orders (ASBO). One civil liberties activist says:

It will be jelly bean ASBO for sugared-up kids next. Surely it's time to call last orders on endless new legislation.

While this is the first time antisocial behavior orders will be handed out for public drunks, British courts have been using them to curb other bad behavior for some time now. So what else counts as anti-social behavior in the UK? Earlier this month, a man was given an animal ASBO after bees from his hives repeatedly stung the neighbors. The beekeeper was ordered to move his hives. And a magistrate judge gave another Brit an ASBO for throwing shopping carts outside a supermarket two or three times per week. The ASBO makes it criminal for the man to throw shopping carts going forward. That sounds about right.

Do you think this sort of targeted justice is the best way to solve societal problems like excessive alcohol consumption? Will telling a drunk that he can't go to pubs and bars for a couple of years change anything?