TresSugar

You Asked: I Don't Want to Be Used Anymore

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:51:20 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been hooking up with a guy for about a month now and he continues to surprise me by how genuinely sweet he is every time we hook up. Unfortunately though, he doesn't want a relationship - he has considered it many times but something always changes his mind.

I continually get angry at myself for allowing him to, for lack of a better word, use me. On many occasions I tried to just be friends with him, but we always end up going back to the same old thing. He's been very vocal about not wanting a relationship, but I'm left confused because his actions tell me something different. Is there hope for us? - Wanting More Maureen

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Wanting More Maureen,

While actions speak louder than words, I think you should take what he says to heart this time. A month is a pretty long time to hook up without taking it to the next level, so if you're left unfulfilled with the relationship you have, I suggest you cut ties and move on. If he does come to the realization that he wants something more, revisit the situation, but until then, put yourself first. Feeling like you're being used will eventually wreak havoc on your self-esteem.

Source

True Confession - Why Do I Let You Use Me?

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I wish one day you would tell me you have some secret real loving feelings for me instead of just the sex talk all the time. I have never let anyone use me like I let you. I know I am worth more than just sex yet I always crawl back to you each and every time. You are my weakness. Should I forgive myself for letting someone blatantly take advantage of me?"

Source

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Am I Just Being Used?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

My wife displays no affection for me whatsoever! When we first met, it was like magic. I lived in a big city in an upscale neighborhood and had a thriving business. I was 37, never married, no kids. She was divorced with seven kids.

I knocked on her door while campaigning for a friend’s Senate position, and the rest is history. I was at the point in my life where I was tired of looking for my soul mate. My family thought I was nuts for marrying her. But it was something I always wanted - a lot of kids and a beautiful wife.

We married, I bought a ranch, and we moved.

Now, here comes the bombshell: She tells me that she was a prostitute to support her kids. She stopped just two weeks before our meeting. Her pimp (a prominent local businessman) is still calling the house after four years wanting to hook her up.

In the meantime, I’m catering to her every need, because I know she had a very difficult time in the past. I’m doing all the shopping, taking the kids to school, and basically running the house. I write her love notes, bring her flowers, chocolates, and give her massages. When we make love, she tells me she’s never felt that way before.

However, I’ve begun to notice she doesn’t and hasn’t done anything for me. No attention, no initiation, no love or affection. No cards. No love notes. I’ve tried to talk to her about it. She says that if one person (me) is initiating the love in the marriage, that’s all that’s needed.

I feel unwanted. I’m losing confidence in myself. I feel like a dog chained to a tree that doesn’t get any food or water. I love her but I feel as though I’m being badly used. Help! - Lost in Texas

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

My Dear, Dear Texas,

You pierce my heart! My man, you deserve love notes from every woman in America! If I had your address. I would send you 33 pounds of chocolates, then fly to Texas to help you eat them. But as for your wife . . .

I’m guessing she can’t show affection to any man. I’m guessing she’s so hungry for love herself, so busy with the children, so exhausted, she can’t even see your needs. I’m guessing she spent so many years being paid to love gnarly, greasy, brutal, stupid, selfish men, spent so many years pretending to love their idiot sex fantasies - turning tricks to feed her children has got to be one of the toughest ways to earn money in the world - she doesn’t know how to handle the real deal from a spectacular guy like you.

Pardon me, I don’t want to add to your pain, but I think you will have to accept her as she is - flaws and all. You can’t make her be affectionate. Until she learns to love herself (and she will probably have to go to a therapist to get a new perspective on herself) she won’t be able to love you as you deserve.

Of course, you can do a hundred little things to nudge her along - you can ask her to tell you she loves you. You can ask her to give you a kiss. You can use humor - write a love letter to yourself, ask her to sign it, and then mail it to yourself (and when it arrives, rip it open, read it aloud, and praise her for her, ahem, “gorgeous writing style”). But in the end, it will always come down to one thing: You are too good for her.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

US STD Rate Highest of Developed Countries - and Rising!

TresSugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:00:49 -0800

Let's talk about sex . . . or else! According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reluctance to talk about sex is keeping STD infection rates on the rise in the US, especially among teens. After practically being eradicated, syphilis is resurgent, and chlamydia and gonorrhea are also at "unacceptably high levels." Thanks to our prudishness, the US has the highest rate of STDs of any developed country in the world.

It's no secret that abstinence-only sex education is popular in America. Thankfully, after confronting the fact that abstinence-only education does not effectively reduce STD infection rates, some school districts are moving to abstinence-plus education, which reasonably stresses the importance of using protection if a teen is sexually active.

Of course, parents can also do something to reduce STD risks by providing a little sex education at home. When I asked a while back, more than half of TrèsSugar readers said their parents avoided having an awkward conversation about contraception. Maybe these new statistics will remind parents that reducing health risks are worth a few uncomfortable minutes.

Healthcare Bill Restricts Coverage For Abortions

TresSugar — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0800

If you thought Democrats were pro-choice, you might want to think again. The recently passed healthcare bill coming out of the Democrat-controlled House of Representatives could significantly decrease access to abortion even for Americans on private insurance plans.

After a 290-194 vote, the House passed an amendment Saturday that bans the use of federal funds to cover abortion for anyone using the public healthcare plan. The amendment also prevents private insurers from covering abortions for anyone getting a tax credit to help pay premiums. The amendment is being called the biggest victory in years for abortion opponents.

Under the bill, there will be many more Americans receiving tax credits to help pay for insurance - any family of four making less than $88,000 a year will be eligible for the subsidies, and if they take the credits, they will not be allowed to use them to purchase a plan that covers abortion. Pro-choice advocates argue that the new legislation will lower access to abortion coverage even for those receiving no tax aide because private insurance companies will have an incentive to drop abortion coverage from their plans so they can compete for customers receiving federal subsidies. The implications could be substantial since right now 90 percent of insurers cover abortion to some extent.

Pressure from conservative Democrats and the pro-life lobby helped get the amendment passed. While I'm not surprised abortion isn't being treated like every other legal medical procedure, I am a little shocked that the bill's implications go so far to limit abortion coverage for women who are not receiving any federal funding. Do you think the House did the right thing?

TMI? Woman to Broadcast Baby's Birth on Live TV

TresSugar — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

It started out as a blogging gig for a moms-to-be site, but 23-year-old Lynsee, a teacher from Minnesota, decided to take it a step further. Along with her mother, husband, and midwife, she's going to have a cameraman film her giving birth while it's broadcast on live television. (No graphic shots, however.)

Although her husband Anders was hesitant at first, he finally agreed to it. "We wanted to share this experience," said Lynsee. "If I were in a classroom, I'd be teaching about development. It was a way for me to teach . . . A way for me to use myself as a textbook."

I find it odd that Lynsee asked to keep her last name private for this news story but is going to have someone film and broadcast to strangers one of the most private experiences of her life. (But maybe that's just me.) Is giving birth on television for strangers to watch TMI?

This American Life Faithfully Takes on Infidelity

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0800

I am a faithful listener of the radio program This American Life. Each week the show offers an entertaining and in-depth look into various themes ranging from the financial crisis, to children switched at birth, to the perfect break-up song. This week, the program took on an invariably popular topic of discussion: cheating.

In the intro, host Ira Glass discuses how some happy couples have no problem admitting that they got together because one or both of them cheated. You can see evidence of this in the New York Times Vows page, where newlyweds often use coded language implying that it took infidelity to bring them together. (Of course, they also want to believe that fate was somehow involved too.)

These write-ups will say that a couple's romance was a "bumpy road" or that they "encountered some obstacles." The episode suggests that these couples justify their infidelity by believing that whatever happened, everybody (including the exes) is better off because fate brought together two people who were meant to be. True or not, this is definitely a self-serving conclusion!

Do you think there can ever be a happy ending when infidelity is involved?

Do You Think You're Emotionally Intelligent?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

In some ways, this is a trick question, because if you're not emotionally intelligent - defined very broadly as someone "particularly good at establishing positive social relationships with others, and avoiding conflicts, fights, and other social altercations" - you might think you are anyway!

But October is Emotional Intelligence month, and it seemed a good time to remind people, as Emotional Intelligence author Daniel Goleman claims in his book subtitle, that "it can matter more than IQ." We've all known the brilliant boss or friend who had a horrible temper or little ability to empathize and couldn't figure out why, in the case of the boss, no one ever stuck around for long, or, in the case of the friend, people had to break up with them they were so toxic.

Some traits of emotional intelligence?

1. Having the ability to accurately perceive emotions in oneself and others.
2. Using emotions to facilitate thinking.
3. Being able to understand emotional meanings, being sensitive.
4. Being able to manage emotions.

So if you're paranoid everyone's out to get you, or that everything someone says is a perceived slight justifying angry outbursts, but nothing you say or do should bother others . . . you might need a higher EQ. (Some believe this can be worked on, others say it's inborn.)

Pregnant, Addicted, and at Risk For Incarceration in SC

TresSugar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0700

Pregnant and high, 37-year-old Sandria Doremus entered a treatment facility in Greenville, SC, with the hopes that she could get off drugs and properly care for her baby. Her other motivation? She wanted to avoid being incarcerated after she gave birth.

It could easily have happened to her. A hospital reported her drug use to the police - as required by law.

Although this practice has abated, since 1989, at least 126 women in South Carolina have been arrested and charged with harming their fetuses by abusing drug and alcohol, according to the National Advocates For Pregnant Women. Only about 80 pregnant women around the country were arrested on similar charges in the same time period. Although local and state agencies across the country have attempted to prosecute pregnant women for drug use, their cases are usually rejected by the courts.

Although many women say that they're glad they had a chance to clean up and be sober mothers, some women admit that their fear of being arrested kept them from getting treatment earlier.

"These are addicts who become pregnant," says Lynn Paltrow, executive director of the National Advocates For Pregnant Women. "They aren't women who chose to use drugs after becoming pregnant."

What do you think about criminalizing addicted women who get pregnant?

You Asked: How Can I Stop Being Used?

DearSugar — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My last relationship was pretty hot and heavy, and when it ended over six months ago, it was because of his personal reasons - he said he needed more time to concentrate on his career - not because our feelings for each other had changed in any way. We remain friends but every time we have hung out, we have hooked up. All my friends tell me he is a jerk and that he's just using me, but when I'm with him it's like all the bad things he's ever done just disappear. I really want to stop hooking up with him so I can finally move on, but I'm not sure how to do that. Do you have any advice? - Being Used Brenda

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Being Used Brenda,

Continuing to hook up after a breakup will only prolong the getting-over-him phase. Since he's not interested in being in a relationship any longer, the only way to move on is to simply stop seeing him. Sure, when you're together all the bad things disappear, but if that were enough for you, you wouldn't be asking how to put him behind you.

If you're in the same circle of friends, hang out with different people for a while. If you only see each other when he calls you to hang out, ignore his attempts. The only way to be successful here is to set your mind to it - treat this just like any other goal you make for yourself. It might be tough at first, and you might even miss him, but it won't be long before he's a distant memory. Good luck.

Source