TresSugar

5 Tips For Being on Time

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Being late happens from time to time, but if it's your norm, it can make other people feel that their time isn't respected or valued. Since perpetual lateness can be irritating for those waiting for you, I've come up with five tips on how to be more punctual.

To check them out, read more.

Set your clocks and watch 10 to 15 minutes ahead, but don't rely on those extra minutes; that defeats the purpose!
Ask your friends and family to fib when telling you what time to be somewhere.
Start your day a little earlier so you can get everything accomplished and feel less rushed.
Be organized. If you typically waste time looking for your keys and your cell phone, designate a place for them every time you walk into your house.
Don't multitask while trying to get somewhere - being distracted is sure to make you drag your feet.

For all of you on-timers, how do you make sure you're prompt?

Source

Gender Roles - Love 'Em Or Leave 'Em?

OnSugar Blog — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:10:00 -0800

Here's a poll from OnSugar blog Rantings of a Single Girl.

Let's go back to the 1940s for a minute. My grandmother was married, raised a kid, ran a farm, taught school, and kept a clean house. All while my grandfather was away at war. After my grandfather came back from the war and had recovered from his wounds, they went back into their traditional roles. He ran the farm and did all the "manly" things. My grandmother raised my aunt, taught school, and still had dinner on the table by 5:30 PM every night. All while pregnant with my dad.

I'm exhausted just talking about it.

I bring all this up because I've been thinking about gender roles lately. I look at my parents. Granted, my dad still does majority of the "manly'" things around the house and my mom does the household things, neither one is afraid to help out the other. My dad does housework. My mom can swing a hammer when needed.

And that's what I like.

I'll never be able to date a guy who believes in traditional gender roles. As much as I like cooking and being in the kitchen, I don't like being expected to be there. If we have kids, I'm not going to be the one who raises them. I certainly expect their father to help out. At the same time, I don't expect him the only one who takes out the trash or fixes things when they break. I think 50/50 is a good blend.

So could you be with someone who firmly believes in traditional gender roles? Or would you rather share the load?

Want to see more? Start following Rantings of a Single Girl or start your own OnSugar Blog. Maybe your stories will be posted here on TrèsSugar!

Do, Dump or Marry? Craig Ferguson

TresSugar — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

In addition to being charming and funny, the Scotsman-turned-denizen of LA and host of The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson can add memoirist to his list of accomplishments - he has a new book out called American on Purpose.

In a USA Today interview, he discusses some of the book's many revelations, including how he dropped out of school at 16 to join a punk band and that one of his favorite jobs was working as a construction worker. I love that Craig can make cornball humor seem edgy. Does he do it for you? What do you think about the salt 'n' pepper fox?

Say What? Barbarella's Daughter Speaks

TresSugar — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 12:27:54 -0700

“Before that, nobody had seen on screen any space for women to be sexual or to own their sexuality. The shock was that here were women doing what we’ve all seen men do. This was exploding the myth that if a woman was consummate in her sexuality, then she must be a slut.”

- Vanessa Vadim on mother Jane Fonda's starring role in the camp classic Barbarella, directed by her late father Roger Vadim. Besides being the daughter of celebrities, Vadim is an eco-advice columnist, a single mother, a documentary filmmaker and an organic farmer. She’s also a fan of glass dildos and cucumbers as eco-friendly sex toys.

Hump Day: Is My Boyfriend a Sex Addict?

TresSugar — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for six months, and I’ve started feeling funny about the quality of our sex. At the beginning, sex was fantastic between us. We both have high sex drives, are creative in bed, and I think we both felt that we’d found our sexual soul mate.

Lately though, I’m feeling more and more objectified by him. He texts overly sexual things to me. (That’s fine, but how about an “I miss you!” every once in a while!) He wants to do rougher things, and although I don’t mind that and even find it a turn on, I'm beginning to feel less like a partner to him and more like an object. I know he’s really into porn, he masturbates a lot, has had lots of casual flings in the past and I’m beginning to wonder if he’s a sex addict.

What are the signs? What should I do? I care about him, but I am feeling suspicious that he no longer sees me as an equal, and I wonder if, with his insatiable appetite, he might even cheat on me. I know he’s done it in the past. Help! To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Dr. Glickman's Answer:

First thing - good for you for listening to your intuition and your feelings on this. A lot of people ignore or don’t listen to those early warning signs, and that often leads to a worse situation. It’s important to pay attention to them when they first show up and I’m glad you did.

I hear the term “sex addict” used a lot. To be honest, there isn’t any consensus among therapists or sexologists about what it means and there is still a lot of debate about whether someone can be addicted to sex in the way that someone can be addicted to drugs, with all of the physiological effects that can have. At the same time, it seems pretty clear to me that some people have sexual compulsions that they have difficulty controlling or working with.

Now, maybe most people outside the sexology or therapy worlds don’t really care about the difference between sex addiction and compulsion. But I think it’s important to not throw the “addict” label at people (not that I’m suggesting that you’re doing that) because it can be really triggering. In my experience, it tends to create a lot of shame and judgment on top of whatever difficult feelings someone may have because of their actions. Of course, if someone wants to use the word to describe themselves, that’s fine. It’s about self-definition, after all.

Leaving aside the question of whether your boyfriend is a sex addict, I think that the place to start is the fact that you’re not getting what you want. From what you say, it sounds like you enjoy some of the same things, which can be helpful. But if you want sweetness and loving moments mixed in with the rough and tumble, that’s a totally fine thing to ask for. Have you spoken with him about that? If so, has he been open to hearing that? And what have the two of you agreed to do? If you haven’t raised this topic with him, why is that? What could make it easier for you to talk with him about it?

Along those lines, what about the non-sexual parts of your relationship? Are you getting your needs and desires met? Does this pattern extend into those realms, too? If he’s open to talking with you and finding ways to support your relationship, great! That’s a good starting point for working through how things are for your sexual connection. But if he’s not open to that in other arenas, that’s probably a good reason to reconsider whether being “sexual soul mates” is enough of a foundation for a relationship.

Assuming that you two are both willing to work on this together, there are a few directions that you could take things.

One of the challenges that can arise when someone explores some of their sexual desires is that it can cause a disconnection from their partner, especially if they go through a phase of wanting to focus on a particular set of fantasies to the exclusion of other ways of being sexual. I’ve seen people fall into those patterns when exploring many different sexual practices, although it seems to be especially likely when rougher sex is on the menu. I’m not aware of any research on the topic, but my sense is that for some people, the heightened intensity of the interaction can make it easy to get lost in the fantasy and hard to stay present and focused on the real life person they’re with. So finding ways to connect in other ways, such as sweet text messages or more romantic sex can be a big help.

You might want to take a vacation from the rougher sex for a while, at least until you can reconnect in other ways. Being able to ask for the types of connection that work for you can be a big help. I like the book The Five Love Languages for that. The author describes five basic ways of giving and receiving love and care (words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch). He also talks about how we tend to have our preferred method and that we often get into conflict because we’re using different languages, not because we don’t care for our partners. It’s a good read, although I personally don’t care for his biblical approach and had to filter that out. You can get the basic idea on this page of his website without getting into his particular religious perspective, if that works better for you.

It could also be worth talking with your boyfriend about why he wants to have rough sex. For that matter, you might also get a lot out of exploring what your motivations are, too. There are many different reasons people enjoy any type of sex and having a clear understanding of what yours and his are could be really helpful for both of you. If you’re clear about what you want to get out of it, you’ll be much more likely to be able to create the connection that you desire. If you go that route, I strongly suggest not having that conversation during or after sex. Set some time aside for it when you’re both feeling relaxed and ready.

Finally, if none of that works for you and things don’t change, or if he’s not open to talking about it, that may be a sign that things really aren’t going to change. Take a good look at the situation and listen to your feelings. (It sounds like you’ve already been doing that.) I think that whether your boyfriend is a sex addict is less important than whether he’s able and willing to sit down with you and talk about your relationship, and whether the two of you are able to engage in the give-and-take that all successful relationships need.

(Remember, if you have questions for Dr. Glickman, send them to TrèsSugar and we'll pass them along!)

Ask a Feminist: My BF's Texting My Friend – Should I Worry?

TresSugar — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 11:15:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. A Feminist, who answered a previous Conventional Wisdom column, is back to answer yet another "Am I paranoid or is he cheating on me?" question. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I recently found out my boyfriend has been texting my friend behind my back. He says there's nothing going on and that she has a boyfriend. He doesn't live with me as he works away, but he texts and calls her more than he does me. When I confronted him, he just said she was giving him relationship advice but I don't know what to believe. He also lied about being at work one day and apparently stayed with one of his friends instead of being with our daughter and me. I don't know what to do. I'm so paranoid lately.

Signed, Worried.

To find out what a feminist has to say to Worried, read more

Hi Worried,

I'm sure you know the saying, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." I say this not to make light of your situation, but to remind you that both your extreme suspicion and your boyfriend's inappropriate behavior could be going on simultaneously.

To begin with - I need more information about your situation. You have a child with this boyfriend. Was this a planned pregnancy? Are you both together for the sake of your child or do you truly want to be together? How old are you? Do you plan to get married? I ask this to get a sense of what your bond with your boyfriend is right now, as well as to see if ambivalence might be fueling his lies and strange lack of boundaries. From the way you describe his behavior and your lack of trust, I almost don't need answers to these other questions.

It goes without saying that without trust in a relationship, there's nothing. If you both have promised to be exclusive with one another, and your boyfriend begins to erode your trust in other areas, it makes sense you would begin to wonder if he's strayed from his fidelity or plans to.

Although I can't speculate on his fidelity to you, I can say your boyfriend, the father of your child, seems to lack a sense of propriety, or a sense of what appropriate behavior is. To text and call your female friend without your knowledge to talk about relationship issues is sketchy in the extreme. Whether he's counseling her or getting advice (what the heck could he be asking her or saying about you?!), seeking emotional intimacy with your friend is just weird. Is he trying to get "close" to her in other ways? I assume your friend told you he was doing this and with what frequency, given that you say he's calling and texting her more than he does you.

This is a problem, Worried. I would confront him. Make sure he understands why this feels like an emotional betrayal, tell him that you want him to talk to you about your relationship, and that he needs to stop texting and confiding in your friend. If you can, maybe you both can see a counselor together. The bottom line is, use common sense in deciding whether or not you can trust him going forward. I really believe we women should trust our guts about infidelity or its potential - we're almost never wrong.

Good luck!

Do You Think There's an Ideal Age For Happiness?

TresSugar — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 02:00:00 -0700

I found the results of this study dubious, and then I read that Clairol Perfect 10 sponsored the research, asking 4,000 women between ages 25 and 65 at what age they were happiest.

The answer? 28, before visible aging occurs (wrinkles, gray hair - you know, the things Clairol has products for) and when sex is supposed to be best. (Wait, I thought sex was best for women in their 30s and 40s?) In addition to being happiest with their looks in their late 20s, the women surveyed said their careers and relationships were best in the 28 to 30 range.

A spokesperson for Clairol Perfect 10 said, "A little time put aside in hectic schedules for self-pampering and the odd beauty product can help keep you feeling young and looking your best." Riiiight.

What do you think - is there an ideal age for happiness?

Chelsea Handler Dishes With TrèsSugar

TresSugar — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 07:00:00 -0700

"TrèsSugar: Describe your ideal man.
Chelsea Handler: Someone who gets the joke.
TrèsSugar: Do you think you’ll ever find him?
Chelsea Handler: Probably not."

Comedian, writer, talk show host - triple threat Chelsea Handler does it all. The host of Chelsea Lately on E! Entertainment agreed to answer our burning questions on everything from whether or not she’s a feminist to what her weirdest wedding moment was. To check out the exclusive TrèsSugar interview, read more

TrèsSugar: Hi, Chelsea! I busted a gut reading My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands and I think Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea might be one of the most brilliant titles for a book ever. I love how you seem like the rare woman - gorgeous, and not trading on that but rather on your wit and subverting “proper” female behavior. Thanks for answering our questions!
Chelsea Handler: Well, thank you very much.

TS (I realize I kinda ambushed her here!): Are you a feminist?
CH: I feel like focusing on the idea of feminism is saying that we haven't achieved it yet. I believe in behaving at a level and having people meet you at a level that says: I'm a very highly functioning woman.

TS: Christopher Hitchens infamously said that only women who are fat, unattractive, Jewish or lesbian can be funny. How would you respond to him if you could?
CH: Well, I am half-Jewish, so he must have been right.

TS: Do you think humor for women is a defense mechanism, a survival skill? In your case, why did you think you became so funny?
CH: I think people are born the way they are born, and circumstances either add or take away from who you are deep down. I love to laugh, and in turn, love when I can make other people laugh.

TS: What in your past laid the groundwork for the way you see the world?
CH: Probably my father's 10 used cars that were in our driveway my entire life. I would say it was the opposite of rose-colored glasses.

TS: Who are your comic influences and heroes?
CH: I never intended on being a comedian, so it would be dishonest to say that I was
really influenced by anyone other than the idea of expressing my opinions. My brothers, sisters, and parents were definitely the biggest influences in my life.

TS: What’s a typical Chelsea Friday night?
CH: Dinner with friends usually at my house and a plethora of cocktails before, during, and after.

TS: Describe your ideal man. Do you think you’ll ever find him?
CH: Someone who gets the joke. Probably not.

TS: What was the weirdest wedding you ever went to?
CH: The one where the bride was smoking a cigarette in her wedding gown. That was pretty magnificent.

TS: What’s your biggest deal breaker in relationships?
CH:I usually don't break up with guys, I wait for them to break up with me.

TS: What’s your biggest piece of advice to today’s woman?

CH: Be ambitious for not only yourself, but also for the people around you, be generous, and be forthright. Karma is real, and it will reward you if you are doing the same for others.

TrèsSugar: Thanks, Chelsea!

Source

Have Hookups Triumphed Over Dating?

TresSugar — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 06:00:00 -0700

The hookup is spreading! First high school students were too cool to attach a relationship to sex. Then college students followed the trend. And now- working single people can't give up their friends with benefits. NPR reports: Young people can tell you all about the rules of casual sexual encounters, but they're hard pressed to describe a conventional date they've been on lately.

One 25-year-old woman told NPR:

"Going out on a date is a sort of ironic, obsolete thing."

Call me old fashioned, but I still love being invited to get to know a potential lover in a more formal context. That doesn't mean dinner and movie is the only way I will spend time with a romantic interest, but I still think it's a nice way to get to know someone first.

NPR says that perhaps because young people are more focused on their careers and friendships and less interested in starting families until much later, hooking up has more appeal for them than traditional dating.

While new priorities might encourage young people to put off marriage for a while, what's your experience? Is the date really dead?

Source

Say What? Obama Outraged by Murder of Abortion Doctor

TresSugar — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 06:00:00 -0700

"I am shocked and outraged by the murder of Dr. George Tiller as he attended church services this morning. However profound our differences as Americans over difficult issues such as abortion, they cannot be resolved by heinous acts of violence."

President Obama released a statement yesterday, after abortion doctor George Tiller was shot dead while he attended church. Tiller was one of the few physicians in the US who provided late-term abortions, and he was targeted by high-profile people like Bill O'Reilly, who for years called him a "baby killer." Following his murder, Tiller's family also released a statement that said: "George dedicated his life to providing women with high-quality health care despite frequent threats and violence."

Are you surprised that the murderer, who most likely considers himself pro-life, could take the life of another human being?

Source