TresSugar

Sunday Confessional: I Got Too Comfortable With My Boyfriend's Dad

DearSugar — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been living together the past two years. Recently his parents visited from out of town to see my boyfriend and his two sisters. They were here for a few weeks, so the siblings decided to take turns hosting and showing them around. Since I've known them for some time now, we've grown quite close and I was looking forward to our time together. As it turned out, we hosted them at our house for the final leg of the trip, and even though we'd had a great time so far, I was stressed out and exhausted.

One night, when trying to get dinner on the table for the entire group, my boyfriend's father came in to help me. The gesture was nice, but I just wanted to have the kitchen to myself. He wouldn't take no for an answer so I put him in charge of the salad. When I handed him the cucumber, he said he was sure my boyfriend was allergic to it. I assured him he wasn't and instead of believing me, he went in the other room and asked him. When he came back he said, "You're right. He's not allergic", I completely snapped, and replied, "I know. I already told you that, remember?!" My tone was very harsh, and I immediately felt terrible.

I apologized, and he was gracious, but afterward, things were strained. Obviously I showed him a side he hadn't seen before - one I usually only have when dealing with my own parents. They're back home now, but I still feel awful, and I can't stop beating myself up for being so rude to my potential father-in-law. Can I be forgiven for my snippy comment?

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You Asked: He's Too Sarcastic

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating a great guy for five years now, but often I am annoyed by his sarcastic, hostile, and almost snobbish attitude. Sometimes it just seems like he can't be nice or get along with anyone - he's even mean to his friends. I love him very much, and he says that he loves me, too, but I'm not sure I can handle this anymore. We've been through so much together, but lately things are getting too hard.

My family doesn't trust him, and ever since I got into a spat with his brother whom he lives with, conversations with his family have been very strained. I feel uncomfortable when I'm at his parents' house, and I can tell they now have some animosity towards me. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about all of these issues, but he doesn't like to discuss them so instead he ignores me, and they get worse. In fact, he can't have a real adult conversation without getting angry and being childish. Am I just completely stuck? What do I do?

- Sick of His Attitude Alice

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sick of His Attitude Alice,

If you're asking whether or not you're stuck with his sarcastic behavior then the answer is yes. As long as you stay with someone who refuses to change his bad attitude or even discuss it, then you'll always be dealing with it. However, you're never stuck in your relationship. It can take a long time to accept and process, but learning that love is not always enough to make for a healthy or happy relationship is an important lesson. Things like communication, respect, personal responsibilities, and family can all play a very serious role in determining the success of a couple.

It sounds like you've just about hit your breaking point, so perhaps now is the time to try taking some time apart while you both figure out if you want to continue to invest yourselves in this relationship. And don't be afraid to let your boyfriend know that his inability to talk with you makes it impossible for your relationship to grow or change. I think it's important that he understands the role he plays in your frustration. Whatever happens, always remind yourself that you're never stuck in an unhappy situation; there's always a solution, even if it's a scary one.

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You Asked: He Doesn't Have Boundaries

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of three years supervises around 25 women. About eight months ago, we were out of town and he received a text message, which I picked up since he wasn't around. It was a very sexual joke from one of his employees, whom I already have issues with since she's constantly telling my boyfriend how she wants to leave her husband, which I find totally inappropriate.

I didn't say anything, but I checked his phone bills later and found that for the past year, he's been texting her 20 to 30 times a month! I confronted him and he assured me that they were all work related - even though some were in the middle of the night. I knew he was lying so I kept pressing him and went so far as to tell him that I had requested the transcripts from our provider. He went nuts, but admitted they were sexual jokes and comments. I was devastated. She's married; he's her supervisor and he was deleting them from his phone so that I wouldn't see them.

I told him to stop or I was leaving him. He told her that she could only contact him via cell if it were work related - there are office and lab phones and he has voicemail so there's no need to use the cell at all. She stopped contact for eight months, until finally she started up again. My boyfriend won't say anything else to her; she is very manipulative. I'm concerned they're going to fall back into the same pattern. We've talked about getting married, but honestly I don't think I want to continue with this man if he won't put up boundaries that make me feel safe. Am I wrong to feel this way?

- In Need of Boundaries Beth

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear In Need of Boundaries Beth,

Your boyfriend has been exchanging sexual innuendos with a married employee, so I think it's quite normal to feel uncomfortable by the situation. Although it's easy to mark this other woman as manipulative, keep in mind that your boyfriend is a grown man, and perfectly capable of putting an end to these texts. Needless to say, there are some deep trust issues in your relationship, and until your boyfriend can acknowledge your concerns, I doubt that they can be fixed.

Don't let him make you think that your concerns are irrational; you have every right to feel the way that you do. But likewise, don't allow yourself to continue your paranoid snooping. If you feel yourself wanting to check his phone bills again then, to me, that's a signal that your relationship isn't healthy. Since you know that you can't maintain a relationship without appropriate boundaries, then if this continues, I think you know what you need to do.

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Do Tell: What Childish Behavior Has Stuck With You?

DearSugar — Fri, 23 May 2008 14:00:00 -0700

No matter how old we are, we're all still babies about certain things. Additionally, I think it's safe to say that we all engage in childish behavior from time to time - whether we're being bratty about something or acting out like an overtired toddler - moments of childlike weakness doesn't make us less of an adult. So ladies, if growing up is just a state of mind, do tell, what childish behavior has stuck with you all these years?

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You Asked: My Friends Have Changed

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have a tight-knit group of girlfriends that I have been close to for the past two years. They've been a great support to me during this time, but lately something is different. I'm not sure if I've changed or if they have, but we just don't seem to get along anymore. They've been really rude and angry to me lately for no reason. It's like they're ganging up on me, and I keep getting the feeling that they're talking about be while I'm not there.

I have been very busy between work and school, and I haven't been able to spend much time with them. They've been very judgmental of me, and there have even been a few incidents when I caught them avoiding me or ignoring my calls. I'm really sick of this, but I don't have many other people I can turn to. I miss the way things were, but I don't want to subject myself to this anymore. What should I do?

- Abandoned Alicia

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Abandoned Alicia,

I wish I could give you a reason for why you're friends have suddenly turned their backs on you, but unfortunately, it's impossible to guess. It's not all too uncommon for friends to drift apart as life gets in the way. I'd let your friends know how much you care for them and how their actions are making you feel. Make sure they understand that you want to be spending time with them, it's just that your schedule is really overwhelming and ask them to bare with you. Try planning girls' nights in advance - throw a movie party or plan a taco night.

If they continue to treat you like this, you might want to let them go. Friends are meant to be there for you during the good times and the bad, they're not there to make you feel guilty or bad about yourself. Perhaps time will make them see their immaturity, but it may not be worth waiting around to find out. Making new friends is always challenging, but it's also completely rewarding!

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Can You Really Train a Man?

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 11:00:00 -0800

I just came across this New York Times story from a while back, where the author explains how she trained her husband using techniques she had learned while writing a book on exotic animal trainers. She explained:

The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.

Though I do appreciate the idea of acknowledging good behavior, I thought it was already common knowledge that nagging will never get someone to change. Truth be told, it makes me feel kind of strange to think of a boyfriend in the context of behavior and training. Shouldn’t I just be accepting him the way he is? Is it even possible to train the man in your life? And would you even want to? Tell me what you think!

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Dear Poll: When Was Your Party Phase?

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 13:00:00 -0800

Most people have a party phase, a time in their lives when they take a lot of risks, forget about consequences, and are generally a bit out of control. Certainly many young Hollywood stars seem to be in the midst of theirs right now. While the rest of us don't live such glamorous lives, I'd bet that most of us have had a party phase of our own.

Maybe it was all about drinking or sex or doing drugs - maybe even all three - but either way, it's a wild time that most people, with a little hindsight, are glad to have behind us. Mine was definitely a high school thing, and I was burnt out by the time I got to college. What about you? When were you at your wildest?

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The How-To Lounge: Quitting Smoking

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Jun 2007 09:30:00 -0700

Smoking is a nasty habit. We all know smoking is bad for your health and wreaks havoc on your skin, your teeth, and the people around you. Even though some people make smoking look glamorous, it is a dangerous habit to pick up. Quitting is easier for some and can feel close to impossible for others, so here are tips to help you on the road to recovery if you are up for the challenge.

Click here to read more

The first and most important step is commitment. Ask yourself the tough questions as to why you are quitting; even write down your answers so you can be reminded of your reasons in case you feel the urge to smoke
Get a support system -- ask your friends and family members for their support and request that they don't smoke in front of you
Break your routine so you don't miss your old behavior so much
Be ready to change your environment -- immediately throw away all of your smoking paraphernalia: cigarettes, even your emergency stash, ashtrays, lighters, etc. from your home, place of work, girlfriends' or boyfriend's home, your car, or any other place you spend your time
Plan activities or develop new behaviors to replace the smoking with. Carry gum with you if you need the oral stimulation, or rely on a Nicotine replacement method to help wean you off the drug
Go for a walk around the block if you need a break from work instead of taking a "smoke break"
Be prepared to feel the effects of Nicotine withdrawal. Symptoms of dizziness, irritability, headache, tiredness, coughing, cold, etc. They last a few days and that will undoubtedly be the hardest part about quitting smoking
If you relapse, don't be too discouraged and do not use that as an excuse to start smoking again. It is totally normal for people to have slip ups so don't give up

While it takes a lot of dedication and bravery to quit a habit like smoking, the benefits far out weigh the negatives. Your teeth, your breath, your hair, your house, even your pets will thank you for quitting! Good luck.

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Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Examined on A&E's Obsessed

TresSugar — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 09:48:12 -0700

Trina is afraid she’ll murder someone. Nidia has a phobia about her bowel movements. Rick can’t stop compulsively exercising, adding up the numbers on license plates, or turning clockwise at regular intervals. He wants to stay healthy forever and ward off old age.

Like 3.3 million other Americans, they have obsessive compulsive disorder. A&E’s series Obsessed follows them as they work with cognitive behavioral therapists who try to get them to examine the thinking behind their obsessions so that they can replace those beliefs - and the compulsive acts performed on their behalf - with healthier ones. To find out more about OCD and to watch a clip from Obsessed, read more

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is one of those psychological disorders with an (almost) self-explanatory name. A person with OCD suffers from extreme anxiety based on a phobia about something - germs, a messy room, worry they’ll harm someone. The sufferer, as a result, feels compelled to do something time-consuming and often physically punishing to ward off the fear.

In the case of Nidia in the video here, she had such a fear of her bowel movements that she would shower up to three hours after going to the bathroom, using enemas and toothbrushes with such force that she had to have two blood transfusions from cleaning herself too vigorously. By the end of her CBT treatment, she began to see improvement. Rick, however, did not, making a statement that lends some insight into the disorder: “I have mixed feelings about giving up my compulsions because then I’ll be forced to analyze my compulsions and that person may suck."

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