TresSugar

Moody Men: How to Deal

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 09:00:00 -0800

We all have our moments, and sometimes the little things can set our mood into a tailspin. Maybe somebody accidentally threw away your bagged lunch at work, or your neighborhood coffee shop ran out of cream, and boom - you're instantly in a bad mood. Stereotypically speaking, women are thought of as the moody ones, but men can be moody too, and there's actually a name for it - irritable male syndrome. It's much less severe than depression or bipolar disorder, but the same roller coaster of emotions apply. One minute he's happy and loving life, and the next, he's sulking and not wanting to talk. This change in mood can be triggered by hormonal fluctuations (just like us!) or stress. To find out more about this condition and to learn what you can do to help, check out the video below from The Today Show.

Do you know any men that suffer from irritable male syndrome?

Do Tell: What Do You Do For an Immediate Confidence Booster?

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 07:00:00 -0700

We all have those days when we feel a little down and out. It's totally normal to wake up on the wrong side of the bed every once in a while, but it's key not to let the blues get the best of you, although that's often easier said than done! When I need a quick fix, buying something new always turns my day around. I know it's not the most savvy method, but it works for me! Since we are all different, do tell ladies, what's your remedy when you need an instant confidence booster to lift your mood?

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The How-To Lounge: Turning Around a Bad Day

DearSugar — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 10:00:00 -0700

We have all woken up on the wrong side of the bed, I'm sure more than once, but instead of giving into a bad day, here are some tips on how to re-start your morning.

Click here to read more

Don't snooze your alarm clock. In my opinion, snoozing makes you lazy for the rest of the day. It also can add a level of stress to your morning routine if those extra 10 minutes in bed made you late for work.
As soon as your alarm goes off, mentally plan out your morning and try to do something nice for yourself. Stop to get coffee and your favorite muffin if you are already dreading the morning. Giving yourself something to look forward to will lessen the sting of your bad day.
Hydrate. Our bodies wake up dehydrated, which can cause fatigue and effect your mood, so drink a couple glasses of water as soon as you wake up to jump start your morning.
If you wake up grumpy, exercise. If you don't have time for a full fledged gym workout, take a quick walk around the block, do some sit ups or push ups at home, do a quick exercise video, anything to get your heart pumping so you can reduce tension and increase your energy level.
If you woke up thinking about something specific, don't dwell on it. Get to the root of the problem and if you can, deal with it head on so you don't wake up the next day on the wrong side of the bed too.
Have a sense of humor about it. Sometimes when it rains, it pours, so try to laugh at yourself. When I have a really bad morning, I usually call a friend and make light of just how miserable my morning was so I can get it out and just have a laugh at it. Give it a try and see if it works for you!

These are my methods, do you have any?

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What is the average amount of time a day a young woman spends in a bad mood?

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 16:00:00 -0700

Do you feel like you are often in a bad mood? Or do you find yourself getting easily irritated on a daily basis? If so, you're not alone, but is it normal to feel grumpy so often?

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Curmudgeons, Rejoice: Being Grumpy Might Be Good For You!

TresSugar — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:05:00 -0800

Australian psychology professor Joe Forgas has concluded through his research that grumpy people tend to think more clearly, and because of their skepticism, they also make better decisions than their more cheerful and gullible counterparts.

Cheerfulness isn't all bad, though. Forgas says it encourages creativity. Bad moods, however, incite "attentiveness and careful thinking."

How did he figure this out? He asked volunteers to watch films while thinking of either positive or negative events in their lives, in the hopes they'd be put into good or bad moods.

Then, to test their powers of analysis, he had them judge the truth of urban myths and provide eyewitness accounts of events. The results: the grumps made fewer mistakes and were better at communicating.

"Whereas positive mood seems to promote creativity, flexibility, co-operation and reliance on mental shortcuts," said Professor Forgas, "negative moods trigger more attentive, careful thinking, paying greater attention to the external world."

If you see a smile on my usually grumpy face today, it's temporary - I'm just gloating.

A Joke Can Cure a Bad Mood - But Why May Surprise You

TresSugar — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 02:00:00 -0700

We all know that when we're in a bad mood, a joke can temporarily lift our spirits. But Dutch researchers set out to figure out precisely why. And although you may think, as many researchers do, that it's because positive emotions counteract negative ones - the researchers set out to prove that it's more than that.

They showed a group of men and women a series of pictures. First, they were shown negative images, and then two kinds of positive stimuli - funny and nonfunny. More people said that their moods were lifted by the funny stimuli (the jokes) than the merely positive stimuli.

The reason, according to the researchers, is in the actual cognitive work it takes for us to "get" a joke. Take this joke, for example. A terrified father calls a doctor and tells him, "Doctor, my child just swallowed a fountain pen!" When the doctor tells him he'll rush right over and asks, "What are you doing in the meantime?" The father replies: "Using a pencil."

Figuring out the punch-line is the kind of distraction that can make us feel better. "What they are suggesting is that humor," says Ed Dunkelblau, PhD, a psychologist and past president of the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor, "is an effective way to redirect anxiety."

So let's toast to (corny) jokes that make our brains work a little harder!

Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina - it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember - you want it to be fun!

Ask a Yankee Doodle Dandy: Is 30 Old?

TresSugar — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:00:03 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. To help us wrap up this past patriotic weekend, a person born on the Fourth of July will offer her common sense advice today. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I'm almost 31-years-old and single. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years about two years ago because he cheated on me and I could not live with that any longer. I was scared to be alone, but I hoped to find someone who loved me and stood by me. Well it's been two years and nothing. I actually have been jilted by three guys whom I liked. They all came on strong and then just vanished. I've gone over it a hundred times in my head to see if I was doing anything to drive them away, but came up with nothing. So I don't know why three guys thought I was not worthy of being with. I'm finding it really hard to meet anyone now. I'm feeling disillusioned and my self-esteem has taken a beating for sure.

What's not helping is that I have a 25-year-old co-worker who is also a friend. She does not let one day go without reminding me how young she is and how everything is working out in her life. She is going to school for what she wanted and quitting the job that we work at together. She puts the job down, she puts me down for being 30. I'm just tired of listening to it.

Well between being single and listening to her talk like this, I feel like my life totally sucks. I feel like such a failure for being single still . . . for being at this job . . . for just about everything.

What do I do?

To see what our Yankee Doodle Dandy has to say, read more.

Dear 30-year-old,

No matter how badly you are feeling right now, I feel like I should be directing my advice to your poor co-worker. Why is she so unhappy? She may act like she has it all, but trust me - something is eating away at her and that's why she is picking on you. When a person feels good about herself, she naturally wants to spread happiness. But don't waste your time trying to figure out her problem; just treat her kindly and make excuses to avoid hanging around her.

Now about you. I am sorry that you have had lousy situations with these guys. Obviously men find you date-able, but you have not met the right one. Oh well, you're only 30 years old; you've got so much time ahead of you. There are many women that I know who are in desirable committed relationships with men that they met after they were 35. The secret is: don't be influenced by guys who come on strong. When you meet a man, be sure to be yourself so he knows who you are from the beginning. Develop a relaxed attitude about dating. There is something very attractive about a woman who is slightly disinterested. Concentrate for a few months on being good to yourself. How about a little splurge to compensate for this dating pain? A facial, expensive purse, tickets to an opera?

About your job. If you really don't like it, investigate other opportunities. In this recession, you may want to thank your stars that you have a job, and find ways to grow a little at work. (Do not discuss this with your co-worker.) Every Monday, go into the office with a plan to do something differently, to change a routine. And each week, determine, by your actions and words, to improve the mood of one person at work, in your family, or circle of friends.

A wonderful love is in your future, and then you will experience not only fireworks, but also the lasting glow of a Roman candle.

Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Film Professor

TresSugar — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 06:00:00 -0700

I am in a heterosexual marriage and have a reasonably satisfying sexual relationship with my husband. Every now and again, though, we butt heads on the same issue. He is horny and I'm on my period; he wants me to "help" him out. I'm exhausted and would rather roll over and go to sleep. I resent his question, but more than that, I resent that when I do refuse "helping" him out - he gets upset.

We end up arguing for at least 15 minutes, I don't get to sleep, and he doesn't get off. Neither of us wins. If I say "yes" just so I can get back to sleep, I secretly resent him. He says that if I asked for a back rub, he'd give me one. (If I could rub my own back, I wouldn't ask for one.)

He doesn't feel comfortable getting himself off, because he believes it is bad for a marriage. I, on the other hand, do not have a problem with it and feel it is unfair to pressure me. You see now where we're stuck. I feel he is being selfish; he feels I am the one only thinking of myself and my precious sleep. Help!

- Please or No Please?

To read a film professor's answer, read more

Hi Please or No Please,

I definitely see your dilemma. On the one hand (no pun intended), when you are not in the mood you are not in the mood (and that includes “helping out”). That needs to be respected by your partner and not subjected to extensive discussion if you generally have a healthy sexual relationship. On the other hand, it sounds like for him it is really hard (OK, now the pun is intended) to just relax when he is turned on and either forego sex that night or give himself a hand.

No wonder men are not super comfortable masturbating, especially when their partners are aware of it, if you take into account the myriad humiliating masturbation scenes from films that these guys have to watch (think There’s Something About Mary, American Pie, or even Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

It seems to me that a lot of the problems in relationships are as much, if not more, about the way people communicate about that problem as they are about the original problem. As the famous media theorist Marshall Mcluhan once said, “The medium is the message,” which is a fancy way of saying in this context that the conversation about this trouble spot is as much the problem as the issue of what to do when you’re not in the mood.

I would suggest that the best starting point would be to try talking about the problem somewhat differently, and not in the moment when it comes up in the bedroom (my god, I can’t stop with the double entendres!). Maybe you could ask him why he thinks masturbation is bad for marriage. Or ask him to suggest some different ways you could incorporate masturbation into your sex life in a way that doesn’t feel so irritating to you.

Above all, try to have a bit of fun experimenting with the situation. When conversations about sex make sex seem unsexy, use communication about the issue as a way to increase, not decrease, your intimacy.

Hope this helps! Signed,

A Film Professor

Click here to find out more about Conventional Wisdom and here to submit a question.

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Leslie Hall Descends on Amoeba Records in Hollywood

TresSugar — Tue, 05 May 2009 07:00:00 -0700

If Leslie Hall of Leslie and the Lys could descend on the world's darkest moments and bad moods the way she descends on the Hollywood Amoeba record store, no one would need Prozac.

Do you think you're ready for this jelly? Only the most intrepid can handle the Mistress of Lady Jams, Keeper of the Gems, Her Highness of Gold Spandex Space Suits and all that is weird. And just wait until you hear her name one hapless woman's gem sweater.