TresSugar

Dear Poll: Do You Trust Him With His Friends?

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Whether it's dragging them to a strip club or making them feel guilty for not hanging out more, our boyfriends' buddies have a big reputation for being bad influences. We can feel certain that our boyfriends are the most honest and good-natured people, but put them in a room full of their guy friends and suddenly they’re one of the pack. Of course, it always depends on the guy and the friends, but do you trust your significant other when he’s with his friends?

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Dear Poll: Can Friends Be Bad Influences?

DearSugar — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Since I know that peer pressure was supposed to end with high school graduation, it continues to amaze me how much people’s friends can influence them. In fact, sometimes it seems like we’re all just products of the people we’re around. Yes, I’m sure it’s true that we’re drawn to those with similar interests, but isn’t it also true that friends can change our perspective on things, sometimes for the worse? Regardless of age, can friends still be bad influences?

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Infamous Reform School For Girls Closes Its Doors

TresSugar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 07:00:00 -0700

The idea of a reform school for girls seems to come straight out of a B-movie from the '50s, complete with stock characters like the naïve innocent, the hardened mean girl with a heart of gold who ends up plotting a way for them both to escape, and an evil warden who gets in their way. It's hard to believe that such a place could still exist.

Until August of this year, the notorious Beloit reform school for girls in Beloit, KS did exist, and the school, founded in the 1890s, only recently shut down because the state could no longer afford to house the remaining 21 girls to the tune of $200,000 a year.

Although the school's founders had good intentions, Beloit's dark history includes the severe mistreatment of girls, many of who were running away from physically and sexually abusive homes. In effect, the abused were shipped off to be further abused. How bad did it get? In the '30s, a superintendent who was influenced by Nazi eugenics practices had 62 of her charges involuntarily sterilized. To read more about the history of Beloit and how it evolved, read more

Beloit was founded and in part funded by the suffragist and pro-Prohibition group The Women's Christian Temperance Union in the 1890s. Sometimes, the girls there were practically "indentured" by farm families in this rural town in order to earn the food they ate. (This was all before the state took over.)

At the time, according to Russell Jennings, commissioner of the Kansas Juvenile Justice Authority, girls "were really viewed in our society much more as property." They didn't even have to run away to be deemed "incorrigible" or "wayward." They only had to be, as he put it, "a pain in the neck."

In a file from a girl housed (incarcerated?) at Beloit in the '30s, her offenses were that she "associated with Mexican men" and "became intoxicated at dances." Another woman was sent to the reform school for "being immoral (with father)."

A federal law passed in the mid-1970s ended the practice of sending girls to reform school when their offenses, if they'd been committed by adults, would not be considered crimes. But their incarceration continued in Kansas until 1983. Now, troubled teenage girls are sent to community centers where they can get the help that they need.

In spite of its history, for some who stayed there, Beloit was a haven from abuse at home. "I will always believe that because of Beloit and the staff, I am where I am today," said a 50-year-old who is happily married with three children and counsels survivors of sexual abuse. "They saved the lives of unwanted children."

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Ask a Yankee Doodle Dandy: Is 30 Old?

TresSugar — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:00:03 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. To help us wrap up this past patriotic weekend, a person born on the Fourth of July will offer her common sense advice today. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I'm almost 31-years-old and single. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years about two years ago because he cheated on me and I could not live with that any longer. I was scared to be alone, but I hoped to find someone who loved me and stood by me. Well it's been two years and nothing. I actually have been jilted by three guys whom I liked. They all came on strong and then just vanished. I've gone over it a hundred times in my head to see if I was doing anything to drive them away, but came up with nothing. So I don't know why three guys thought I was not worthy of being with. I'm finding it really hard to meet anyone now. I'm feeling disillusioned and my self-esteem has taken a beating for sure.

What's not helping is that I have a 25-year-old co-worker who is also a friend. She does not let one day go without reminding me how young she is and how everything is working out in her life. She is going to school for what she wanted and quitting the job that we work at together. She puts the job down, she puts me down for being 30. I'm just tired of listening to it.

Well between being single and listening to her talk like this, I feel like my life totally sucks. I feel like such a failure for being single still . . . for being at this job . . . for just about everything.

What do I do?

To see what our Yankee Doodle Dandy has to say, read more.

Dear 30-year-old,

No matter how badly you are feeling right now, I feel like I should be directing my advice to your poor co-worker. Why is she so unhappy? She may act like she has it all, but trust me - something is eating away at her and that's why she is picking on you. When a person feels good about herself, she naturally wants to spread happiness. But don't waste your time trying to figure out her problem; just treat her kindly and make excuses to avoid hanging around her.

Now about you. I am sorry that you have had lousy situations with these guys. Obviously men find you date-able, but you have not met the right one. Oh well, you're only 30 years old; you've got so much time ahead of you. There are many women that I know who are in desirable committed relationships with men that they met after they were 35. The secret is: don't be influenced by guys who come on strong. When you meet a man, be sure to be yourself so he knows who you are from the beginning. Develop a relaxed attitude about dating. There is something very attractive about a woman who is slightly disinterested. Concentrate for a few months on being good to yourself. How about a little splurge to compensate for this dating pain? A facial, expensive purse, tickets to an opera?

About your job. If you really don't like it, investigate other opportunities. In this recession, you may want to thank your stars that you have a job, and find ways to grow a little at work. (Do not discuss this with your co-worker.) Every Monday, go into the office with a plan to do something differently, to change a routine. And each week, determine, by your actions and words, to improve the mood of one person at work, in your family, or circle of friends.

A wonderful love is in your future, and then you will experience not only fireworks, but also the lasting glow of a Roman candle.

Michelle Obama, MIA, & Stella McCartney Make Time 100 List

TresSugar — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 10:00:21 -0700

The Time 100 list of the world's most influential people is out today, and some very cool women made the cut. The annual issue is always such a great read because high-profile people share their musings about each other. Here are some of my favorite entries.

Oprah Winfrey on Michelle Obama: The joy Michelle, 45, brings to her roles as First Mother and First Lady is what makes her so intoxicating. We want that joy in the roles we inhabit as mothers, wives, workers, daughters and friends. And while we admire those arms and applaud her fashion choices (from J. Crew to top designers), her greatest influence is that she makes us want to be our own best selves - and maybe lift a few weights too.

To read what Gwyneth Paltrow wrote about Stella McCartney and what Spike Jonze had to say about MIA, read more.

Gwyneth Paltrow on Stella McCartney: She laughs really hard. And she is a vegetarian. I mention this because you cannot accurately characterize Stella McCartney, 37, without underlining that she is a vegetarian. Always has been. And even if you are not interested in being a vegetarian, somehow Stella gets you to believe. She manages to convince you (never sanctimoniously, never from a soapbox) that killing animals is needless and cruel and bad for the environment. It may last the duration of just one dinner, but you start to feel a bit sad for your neighbor's lamb and a bit embarrassed by your chicken.

Spike Jonze on MIA: To this day, she doesn't consider herself a musician. She has this wide range of talents and influences - she's a Sri Lankan refugee who didn't speak a word of English before she was 10, yet she's also a child of Chuck D and the Pixies and Fight Club and MySpace. There are no borders for her. She made me realize that you don't have to be from the West to have a favorite Biggie song. We are all listening to the same music.

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Daddy Issues: Depressed Fathers Affect Kids Too

TresSugar — Thu, 07 May 2009 13:00:00 -0700

Blame the mother? Not so fast. Turns out, depression in dads can be just as bad for kids as having a mother with mental health issues. According to experts from the University of Oxford, doctors have been focusing far too much on the mothers' problems. Kids, especially boys raised by alcoholic or depressed dads, are far more influenced by troubled fathers than previously thought. But until recently, no one was paying much attention:

The Oxford team said it was not surprising much of researchers' emphasis had focused on mothers as, in most societies, it is mothers who provide the majority of childcare - particularly when children are very young. But they said the role of men had been "underemphasised" . . . In addition, the peak age for men to be affected by psychiatric disorders is the same as the peak age for becoming a father - between 18 and 35.

As a result, young kids can develop behavioral problems, while teens are at a higher risk of depression and other mental-health issues. Do you think daughters are more affected by their mothers' mental health, while boys are more impacted by dads?

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Do Tell: Do You and Your Mom Share the Same Feelings About Your Bodies?

DearSugar — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Whether they’re a daily part of life or practically out of the picture, parents influence their children. And as we become adults, the markings of our influences become more clear. Recently a friend lamented to me about this very issue, cursing her mom for making her perpetually unhappy with her body. As a child, she often heard her mom express distaste at her own weight. It wasn’t long before my friend was suffering from the same worries. She's the spitting image of her mother, so in her mind, if her mom thought of herself as overweight, then my friend had to be overweight too.

It’s a difficult issue, but I don’t think my friend’s alone, especially when moms these days are making their pre-teens get waxed. So do tell: Good or bad, do you share your mom’s body issues?

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GiggleSugar Interviews Margaret Cho!

GiggleSugar — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 04:00:00 -0700

When I think of Margaret Cho, I think of her hilarious standup act in flashes of representative scenes. There's Margaret telling everyone how weird it is to be an Asian American on an airplane with a flight attendant offering you Asian chicken salad. ("That is not the salad of my people!") There's Margaret imitating her mother's cute Korean accent and puzzling over gay men and their, uh, interest in "the ass." And then there's Margaret imagining how period-centric the world would be if men menstruated. The busy comedian/activist/all-around rad diva took some time out of her schedule to talk with us about her many projects, including VH1's The Cho Show (the second episode airs tomorrow), what it's like to have a day named after you in San Francisco, and who is hotter: Lindsay Lohan or Samantha Ronson?

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To check out the interview (and/or to listen to it!), read more.

GiggleSugar: People feel very connected to you personally. Do you have any funny or crazy fan stories?

Margaret Cho:
People really connect with me for a lot of different reasons. I was the first Asian American person they ever saw on TV, and I was the first person to talk about gay stuff. I think when people see images of themselves in the media they feel like they matter, they exist and they‘re real so a lot of my connection with people who are fans of mine, it goes deeper than just an entertainment or artist kind of relationship, so I don’t really have like, a funny or weird fan story.

GS: You have a lot on your plate right now, particularly with The Cho Show which premiered on VH1 last week. I really love the chemistry you have with Selene, your gay friends, and your parents. It seemed to me like a 21st-century family.

MC: It’s like this beautiful, queer, multicultural, and very functional family. It’s really beautiful.

GS: Can you tell me what your vision for the show was?

MC: Well, I wanted to do a show about another Asian American family because I brought the first Asian American family to TV (All-American Girl) and I then I was alarmed that there had not been another one.

GS: Race, and sexuality and gender have been really central to your work and have inspired lots of people to join comedy who might not have felt like they could be a part of it. What do you think the state of race issues in comedy is these days?

MC:
It’s a big deal. Race is still very much a factor in how much we see of you. Like I look at my contemporaries, the people I started with are people like Ben Stiller, and I feel like, considering the difference in our careers, and how far he goes . . . he’s white, he’s straight, he’s a man. I think he’s great, I like him a lot, but . . .Race is a big factor in how successful people become.

GS: With some comedians I get the sense that they’re saying we’re post-identity, post-race, they think race doesn’t matter as much because now we’re all liberated . . .

MC: No! It’s just as bad as it always was. It’s incredibly sexist, incredibly racist, and incredibly homophobic. There’s no difference. It’s not liberated.

GS: I’m wondering if you saw the pictures of the Spanish basketball team . . .

MC:
Oh, yeah. That to me is so offensive but I feel that to them it was supposed to be affectionate. That’s how you’re affectionate, by showing racism. I think that there’s such a casual attitude towards racism against Asians that exists because I feel like the Asian community at large and especially the Asian-American community is not responsible enough to stand up to it and so I feel like it’s my responsibility to stand up to it.

GS: Who are some of the comics who inspired you and who are some of your favorite comedians now, and why?

MC:
When I was growing up, probably Joan Rivers or Richard Pryor or George Carlin or Steve Martin, Whoopi Goldberg, Paula Poundstone. Major huge influence. Love her. And now Wanda Sykes is my favorite. Chris Rock. Dave Chapelle. Bobby Lee. I’m a big fan of comedy.

GS: Do you see comedy evolving?

MC: I feel like comedians are becoming political - they’ve always been political - but they’re becoming more political now, and are even invited into the political realm to talk about politics. I’m an Obama campaign surrogate so to me that’s a very exciting thing to do. And so, I think, comedy has evolved and people are taking us more seriously as social commentators. Which is really cool.

GS: This is more a personal question but is also related to your humor. In your earlier shows like The Notorious C.H.O. you talk a lot about your experimentation when you were younger with sex, drugs and being kinda self-destructive. Do you regret any of that or do you think it contributed to who you are now and to your humor?

MC: I don’t regret that. I feel like . . . I want the brain cells back. (Laughs.) That’s the hard part . . .

GS: Don’t we all!

MC: Cuz I remember I used to be so lightning fast and it was like really crazy how smart I was. And now I’m just f*ckin’ so dumb, and I can’t remember sh*t.

GS: I think that’s age, too, cuz I’m right there with you.

MC: Yeah, but it’s f*ckin’ drugs. For me, it was totally drugs. I have huge gaps.

GS: But you weren’t a huffer or anything? (Laughs.)

MC: No, but you know, I did every drug, and a lot.

GS: You were a San Francisco girl, how could you avoid it?

MC: It’s so fun, but I miss the brain cells.

GS: They’ll regenerate. I think. (Laughs.) So, speaking of San Francisco, how does it feel to have a Margaret Cho day christened by the mayor?

MC: That was April 30. That was just last April. It was really cool and I actually work with Mayor Newsom a lot, because he and I are big gay marriage advocates.

GS: And your parents are still in San Francisco?

MC:
No, they moved. They’re in San Diego now.

GS: They’re so cute!

MC: They’re really cute.

GS: Your parents seem so not uptight!

MC: Well, they have their moments of getting super-uptight. They can’t fight their culture all the time. They can be pretty uptight sometimes and annoying. But they’re super-sweet and really fun, too.

GS: How does it feel to be successful and to also remain rebellious? Do you still feel like an outsider?

MC: I’ll always be an outsider because of who I am. There’s never going to be a feeling where I feel like I’ve arrived or I’m comfortable, but I feel like I’ve created my own thing. I love performing, I love doing standup comedy, and I love writing.

GS: You’ve been married for six years.

MC: We’ve been together for like 10. We’ve been married forever!

GS: But you still identify as bi or queer.

MC: For sure. Which I’ll always be. That doesn’t change.

GS: That’s wonderful. Are there any other projects that you’re working on that you’d like to talk about?

MC:
I’m doing a show for the Lifetime Channel now called Drop Dead Diva which is a comedy/drama. I play a legal secretary which is really cool and funny. I have to cover up my tattoos in a suit and be super-vanilla which is cool and which I love. And it’s a great show and then I’m going to finish out my tour dates, and then I’m gonna see if I finish out season two of The Cho Show. (I hope we are!) But we don’t know yet.

GS: What are some things that your fans might not know about you that would surprise them?

MC: Like, I am really a dog mom.

GS: Oh . . . ! [This is where I kept quiet about my cat fetish.]

MC: I have three dogs. They’re my whole life.

GS: Silly questions, now. Either or questions: Strawberry or grape-flavored gum?

MC: I can’t chew gum because I’m such a spaz like I would bite the inside of my mouth so much and bite my tongue and then my whole mouth would be filled with blood. It’s really stupid. I’m really dumb about chewing gum. I’m not sure how to. Sometimes, I’m super dumb about stuff. The other thing I’m dumb about is I don’t know how to do the laundry.

GS: I wish I didn’t know how to do the laundry and then I could make someone else do it. Granny panties or thongs?

MC: Um, I’d say thongs. But I do appreciate a granny panty in moderation.

GS: Lindsay Lohan or Samantha Ronson?

MC: Oooh. I love Samantha. (GS: I know!) MC: She’s such a hot dirty butch. I like her a lot.

MC: That’s it Margaret, thank you so much for your time. I hope to catch your show, Beautiful, in Santa Rosa!

You Asked: I Hate His Friends

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Things are really great between my boyfriend and I right now except for issues we're having surrounding his friends. We used to all be friends but when my boyfriend and I first started dating, they decided they didn't want to share him and blamed me for taking up all his free time. They would talk badly about me and whenever he and I were alone, they would send him text messages guilting him into hanging out with them. Eventually they convinced him that he wasn't happy and he broke up with me.

A few months later, he came begging for me back, saying he was wrong to have listened to them. He told me that if they weren't OK with us being together then he'd cut ties with them. According to him, his friends have come to accept us and have promised to be nice to me, but I just don't want to spend time with them! Why should I be friends with people who are only nice to me because someone made them be? I'm happy with my real friends but he gets upset that he spends so much time with my friends, and I don't spend time with his. What should I do?

-Not So Friendly Nat

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Not So Friendly Nat,

First of all, I think it's important to recognize that while his friends may be a negative influence on your relationship, they did not force your boyfriend to break up with you. Notice how once he put his foot down, they started changing their ways. While often times it can seem like outside influences are causing issues in a relationship, it's often the problem between the couple that comes first.

That said, it certainly seems like your boyfriend is trying to change both himself and his friends. He's obviously told them how he expects them to act towards you, and he's made an effort to spend time with your friends, which are both steps in the right direction. I can understand why you're not thrilled at the prospect of hanging out with his friends, but I think you're hurting your relationship by not giving them a second chance.

Put your best face forward and try divvying up your time with both sets of friends. Do your best to be the bigger person and kill them with kindness. If their behavior hasn't changed, I don't think you should have to spend time with them, but before you make any rash decisions, try giving them one more chance. Good luck.

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Reply All? Swedish Government Checking Citizens' Emails

CitizenSugar — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 03:00:27 -0700

She looks so happy checking her email in her Ikea-esque room! Too bad if she was actually in Sweden, she'd be hopping mad that her government was checking her email for her. A new law that provides the Swedish government the right to read all emails and listen to all phone calls crossing the country’s borders has outraged its citizens - who've harnessed build-your-own-irony and filed 2 million protests - online. The petition arrives as EU countries debate whether or not to grant governmental authorities previously unheard of domestic spying powers over their own citizens.

Unlike the United States, many European nations have already had the experience of their government spying and for hardly honorable reasons. “It looks too much like the Stasi,” said one Swedish citizen referring to the East German police during the Soviet Union’s influence in that country. The "you've got mail, and we can read it" law, which passed the Swedish Parliament by 142-138 votes gives their National Defense Radio Establishment (FRA) the right to scan all international phone calls, emails and faxes without court order beginning in the new year.

Proponents for the new law said, “The information is needed to evaluate, and meet, outside threats against Sweden.” And went on to stress the need to protect Sweden against terror attacks similar to those in New York, Madrid and London. Is checking inboxes the way to keep terrorism in check?

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