TresSugar

The How-To Lounge: Avoiding Lines

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 08:00:00 -0700

If you’re anything like me, then the idea of standing in a line for longer than a minute or two makes you want to go home and crawl under the covers. I’m exaggerating a bit, but you know what I mean - lines can really dampen a mood! If you feel the same way, see my tips for dealing with the dreaded line and read more.

If you’re going somewhere you know is crowded at a particular time, like after work or first thing in the morning, put off your trip for one hour. Even an hour can make a huge difference. And waiting in your house or office is far better than waiting in line.
If you’re going to an event that will be expecting a huge influx of people at one time, try getting there early or late. It might be slightly inconvenient, but you’ll save yourself so much trouble that you won’t mind. And you'd be surprised how much even 15 minutes can help.
If you’re going to be alone, bring your iPod, a book, or a magazine that will keep you occupied while you wait. Taking your mind off of the line really does make it feel like it’s moving faster.
If you have someone else with you, then break up the monotony by letting one person walk around or do errands while the other waits. Switching off like this will not only give you each a break, but it’s a good opportunity to get other stuff done too.
And of course, if applicable, always buy tickets in advance.

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Some Adult Children Divorce Their Toxic Parents

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. This fact of life means that many of us put up with people we might not otherwise get along with.

Yesterday's New York Times examined what happens when certain family members, namely parents, cross the line from imperfect to completely intolerable. Critical, demanding, non-accepting, or verbally abusive parents sometimes prove too toxic to tolerate, leading adults to "divorce" the people who brought them into the world.

While many mental health professionals typically emphasize salvaging relationships, Dr. Richard A. Friedman wrote in the Times column that in certain circumstances, it might be healthier to end the relationship altogether. Dr. Friedman compares cutting off contact with a parent to cutting off a limb in order to save the adult child's life. Painful, but sometimes necessary.

What is the best way to handle toxic parents? Would you avoid them, cut them out completely, or try your best to deal with them?

More Indian Women Casually Using Emergency Contraception

TresSugar — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 15:15:43 -0700

Widespread access to family planning medication can come with some negative side effects. Gynecologists in India are reporting a sharp rise in medical complications, such as excessive bleeding or incomplete abortions, due to women's casual use of over the counter emergency contraception and abortion pills. Doctors say that women commonly look up the dosages on the Internet and then buy the pills themselves, never consulting a doctor. . . until something goes wrong.

Based on anecdotal evidence from doctors and patients, women appear to be increasingly relying on these medications as their first line of contraception. One woman told the Times of India that women turn to the morning after pill because "when you’re with your boyfriend, you don’t want to use condoms." Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned daily birth control pill?

While it's important for women to have access to emergency contraception or the abortion pill, it seems like there are plenty of medical reason to avoid using it as the main form of birth control.

Source: Flickr User gregor_y

Stranger Than Fiction: Gates and Crowley Related!

TresSugar — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Tonight when Henry Louis Gates Jr. and Sgt. James Crowley sit down over a beer with President Obama, they can avoid talking about that awkward thing that happened last week. Instead, the Harvard professor and his arresting officer can discuss how they're related!

The pair at the center of a debate about racial profiling both trace their heritage back to Niall of the Nine Hostages, a fourth century Irish warlord. Gates discovered that he descended from an Irish immigrant and a slave girl when he hosted a PBS series on African-American ancestry last year. He went to Ireland to find out more about his line of ancestry, a line he shares with Sgt. Crowley.

What's a little misunderstanding among family?

Teen Accidentally Flashes Privates in Yearbook Photo

TresSugar — Fri, 15 May 2009 11:00:00 -0700

Or perhaps the exposed area is just a shadow? For one 16-year-old junior from Tampa, FL, it doesn't matter. She's regretting her decision to avoid visible panty lines one day by eschewing underwear altogether - and then getting a yearbook photo taken in a short dress. Ruh roh. School administrators have refused to confiscate the yearbook, continuing to hand it out because they don't think you can see anything. This poor teen has to return to school next year, and I hope she gets past this embarrassment. The moral of the story? Wear underwear, people!

Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Lawyer

TresSugar — Mon, 11 May 2009 08:30:00 -0700

I got out of a three-year relationship about two years ago. I have since dated half of LA. I'm getting wary of dating. Rarely have I been on a date where both of us liked the other - either I get interested or the guy does - and rejecting someone is about as much fun as being rejected.

I am starting to see a pattern: the guys will come on strong and chase me until I resist and when I kind of seem to get interested, the guys just vanish. Whether I tell them I'm interested or not interested - they vanish. I'm at a point where I'm too scared of going on dates for fear I'm going to scare people away. What do I do?

- Almost Too Scared to Date

To hear what a lawyer has to say, read more.

Dear Too Scared,

Your situation is all-too-common among both sexes in the dysfunctional modern dating pool. Though I'm happily married now, I can confirm from very recent experience in the land of lovelorn singlehood that this dynamic/syndrome you are describing likely has less to do with your particular approach and more with your commitment to the idea of DATING with a capital "D."

There's something about the whole ritual, with all of its attendant expectations and conventions that seems to encourage a "chase is better than the catch" mentality among those who abide strictly by its tired protocols. More importantly, my experience with serial DATERS is that they often tend to be looking for the next best thing as a matter of course. They're just DATING with an idle hope that maybe it will just click with someone. But a DATE, in my experience, is a pretty lousy forum for actually getting to know someone and to see if you have actual compatibility, mutual attraction and chemistry.

My main piece of advice, therefore, would be to modify your expectations about what it is that you're doing, and to try to look for Mr. Right with a changed modality. If you are looking for a DATE, you are ultimately hoping to find someone to offer you love, companionship, nooky and sexual fulfillment, support, trust, entertainment, and everything else that comes along with finding someone awesome to share the world with, but much later and down the line, after you have made sure that he meets the sniff test and that you enjoy being with him. These are all things you can explore with guys in different social contexts that aren't so freighted with expectations, insecurity, performance anxiety, and all-around awkwardness as with the dreaded DATE.

So the approach, which is a tired cliché of the syndicated advice columnist for a reason: get involved with a group of people who share your interest in something (music, arts, book group, hiking club, discussion forum, team sport). Join an organized activity of like-minded people. And start hanging out with this group more and more (assuming they're not a bunch of weirdos and misfits that you don't enjoy spending time with).

See if there isn't someone in this broader group that you start to establish a friendship or rapport with (or who you find yourself attracted to, or scoping, or who seems to be attracted to or scoping you). And try as much as possible to avoid thinking of this person as a potential DATE, but rather, as a potential COMPANION (we'll leave it ambiguous for now).

Next, see if you can start to modulate your contact with this potential COMPANION. Maybe you invite him to some other group activity that you participate in. Maybe a party, or a BBQ, or whatever. Seth Rogen's character in Superbad might suggest inviting him to a pumpkin patch, but you get the idea.

You're ramping up towards an outing that we might typically call a DATE, but while you're at it, you're gathering all sorts of intel about this fellow, his likes, his dislikes, if he listens to cool music or butt rock like Nickelback and Hinder, whether he's more country or more rock and roll, if he's funny without trying to be (DATES are a notoriously embarrassing forum for us guys to try too hard to be funny, and enduring a DATE can often feel like watching some stand-up also-ran on Comedy Central).

Finally, if you are still interested in this COMPANION-cum-DATE, you'll identify an opportunity for just you and he to go do something together. If you can find something in the context of your initial meeting (say you are in that hiking club, then you suggest heading out to somewhere cool for a walk). You are making that DATE move, but in that context, it may feel a little less DATEY.

Significantly, you have already been around this person enough that, if he is interested, you don't need to use the awkward format of the DATE to find out stuff about the guy. You already found out all that stuff at the pumpkin patch. And if he has come along on the hike and made it through the preliminaries, one assumes, you may just find yourself a little more in sync, and less wary of one another. Because a DATE automatically has low expectations.

An ambiguous outing that feels less like a DATE and more like two people who are starting to enjoy spending time together? It's a space that you're likely to be much more comfortable with, and, just maybe, is less likely to generate that weird "catch me if you can" vibe that seems so endemic to DATING.

Best of luck in any case,
A lawyer

Click here to find out more about Conventional Wisdom and here to submit a question.

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Could Early Voting Mean Future September Surprises Instead?

LibertySugar — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 06:00:14 -0700

What happens in the next 11 days might not be so crucial, as many voters have already cast their ballots! Four years ago, one in five Americans voted before Election Day. But based on turnout so far, the rate will be much higher this year.

One voter in Indiana shared the early-voting experience with Politico:

The most moving moment came when the family in front of me, comprising probably 4 generations of voters (including an 18 year old girl voting for her first time and a 90-something hunched-over grandmother), got their turn to vote. When the old woman left the voting booth she made it about halfway to the door before collapsing in a nearby chair, where she began weeping uncontrollably. When we rushed over to help we realized that she wasn't in trouble at all but she had not truly believed, until she left the booth, that she would ever live long enough to cast a vote for an African-American for president. Anyone who doesn't think that African-American turnout will absolutely SHATTER every existing record is in for a very rude surprise. There were about 20 people in front of me but remarkably not a single person left the room without voting over the 2 hours it took to get through the line.

The amount of passion surrounding this election is enough to give me goose bumps; but the account also brings up an advantage of early voting - avoiding Election Day calamities. If the lines are two hours long this far out, imagine if no one could vote early! Perhaps by 2012 we'll await a game-changing event in September, instead of the traditional October surprises. Did you vote early?

View 5 Photos ›

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Gun Question to Potential Appointees Might Explode Debate

CitizenSugar — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 09:30:00 -0800

Barack Obama is firing away seven pages of detailed questions to wannabe presidential appointees, but one inquiry has gun rights activists upset. The question states:

“Do you or any members of your immediate family own a gun? If so, provide complete ownership and registration information. Has the registration ever lapsed? Please also describe how and by whom it is used and whether it has been the cause of any personal injuries or property damage.”

Politico reports that the Obama team says it just wants to verify legal ownership of firearms, but others accuse Obama of potentially denying employment based on an applicant's gun ownership.

Do you think Obama is putting Second Amendment rights in the line of fire or just trying to avoid embarrassing situations (think Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face)?

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You Asked: How Do I Get My Husband to Express His Emotions?

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for about a year and a half. When we first started dating, my now husband got a kidney transplant as a result of an accident he had some five years before. He has told me the overall story - he fell from a tree and not only suffered kidney complications but also had trauma to his back for which he's had numerous surgeries, but yesterday after I asked more details about it, he got defensive and said he doesn't like talking about it.

I just don't know how to react to that. In general, he has a really hard time talking about things that I consider important, and I guess this is only the tip of the iceberg. I have opened up to him about my own issues and feel that if he is avoiding that subject, it will just keep hurting his confidence and self-esteem (he had to drop out of college temporarily afterwards). I want to support him and love him for who he is. Am I overreacting? How do I approach this again?

- Communicator Caila

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Communicator Caila,

While opening up and expressing your feelings may come easily to you, you have to realize that it's not so natural for your husband. As frustrating as it may be for the rest of us, some people are just not comfortable vocalizing emotions that may bring up feelings of sadness or, in your husband's case, pain. Though I tend to agree that avoiding these issues will only make things worse, you can't force him to talk about something that he doesn't want to.

What your husband went through and continues to go through is traumatic. Learning to live with physical pain, as I'm sure he deals with, can take a toll on a person and requires a certain level of understanding from those around them. Thus, instead of pressing the issue, make it clear that you're ready and willing to listen when he's able to talk about it.

It's perfectly reasonable to let him know that his inability to open up to you is hurting you and making you feel cut out of his life, but know that change overnight is unlikely. This is probably something you'll both have to work through over time and with each other. Start opening up the lines of communication about smaller issues that you encounter. As he learns to express himself and trust you as a listener, he might be more inclined to delve into some of these darker memories.

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You Asked: Am I Overreacting?

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I fell for my very best friend. We began dating, and not a week later, a serious crisis occurred in my family and I told him I could not start a relationship under such circumstances. We went our separate ways, and he was very bitter towards me for a while. He immediately began dating a girl, wound up getting her pregnant, and now they are married. Although our friendship suffered serious blows, he will always be someone very dear to me. On occasion we've run into each other at parties, and it's like nothing changed, until a few months ago.

One night we both had a number of cocktails in us and began discussing the unfortunate turn our relationship took. The conversation ended when he grabbed my face and kissed me. Since then, he has contacted me a few times online, asking to hang out. Generally I've ignored these messages, but now he is texting and calling more frequently, asking to just spend a little time with me and talk. I'm not sure how to handle this situation. Spending time alone with a married man with whom I have a past seems inappropriate. I've already caused him to cross the line once, and I refuse to be a part of such a thing again.

All I can think about are his wife and her child, and how this would make me feel if I were in her shoes. Am I overthinking his request? If not, is there a way to handle this without causing any more damage to the memory of our friendship or his marriage?

- Fraught Friendship Fima

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Fraught Friendship Fima,

Wow, this is certainly a complicated situation to find yourself in, although the combination of friendship and more-than-friendly feelings is rarely anything less than complicated. In this case, I think your instincts are absolutely right. The kiss alone was inappropriate enough, but engaging in any other alone time at this point is putting yourself at risk; you don't want to end up in the middle of something you never intended to be a part of. And while it's certainly possible he just wants to get together and talk, it's obvious his feelings for you run far deeper than friendship. He's looking for some kind of satisfaction or closure that he's just not going to get while he's still married.

As hard as it may be, you need to stay away from him. If he persists, clearly state your unwillingness to participate in any questionable behavior. No matter how much he begs or pleads, avoid his attempts to make contact. As far as maintaining a friendship, at this point it doesn't seem possible, does it? The more distance you create, the more likely he is to move on. If he decides to leave his wife and start anew, let that be his choice alone.

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