TresSugar

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Do I Tell My Husband the Truth About Our Son?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’m close to losing my mind. This week I received the results of a paternity test. It confirms that my husband is not the father of our 10-year-old son, our oldest child. The news will absolutely destroy my husband and devastate our four happy children.

How did this happen? Three days before I married my husband, a guy I dated in college came over to my house, took me out to dinner, and begged me not to get married. Afterwards he drove me to the beach, we went for a walk - well, you can guess the rest. The wedding took place, my husband and I went on the honeymoon, and when we came home, I knew I was pregnant. Both our families were ecstatic. “A honeymoon baby!” they called it. But I was suspicious at the time that it could be either man’s.

However, I put it out of my head, gave birth to an awesome boy, 10 years passed, everything was fine. Then I heard the other man was getting a divorce and there was a big fight with his wife over money. His picture appeared in the paper. I looked it up. The resemblance to my son was unmistakable. But the worst part is the wife was accusing him of abusing their children.

That was when I decided I had to know for certain. And the results of the DNA samples (samples I took from my husband and son while they were both sleeping) confirmed what I feared: My husband is - I’m quoting - "excluded as a biological parent" of my son.

I'm a total wreck. It's like a bad Maury show. The truth will demolish my son’s trust, my husband’s love, my other three children’s stability. What can I do? How can I find the words? What do I say? I don’t know how I’m going to live through this. - Devastated.

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

My Dearest Devastated,

I realize that most people will disagree, but I advise you to keep your secret. For now.

See an attorney. Draw up a letter containing the facts to be given to your son in case of your early death - and stipulate the letter is to be opened when he’s grown.

And, of course, if your son ever develops health problems that could be hereditary, you’ll disclose the facts surrounding his birth to your pediatrician and to the biological father if you need to obtain his health records.

But other than these two circumstances, I see absolutely no reason to explode this bomb at this particular time. When your son is an adult, you can tell him. For now, let the family grow up and prosper.

Because the truth is never pure and rarely simple, as Nabokov said, nor is Truth with a capitol “T” always a good thing. It can also bring evil. Just ask Oedipus.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: We've Both Gained the Newlywed 15 - Help!

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:00:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

My husband and I have been married one year and we're very much in love. What's the problem? We're getting fat and we blame each other! Instead of the Freshman 15, we’ve each put on the Newlywed 15 in less than a year. We’ve tried dieting together, but we fall back into bad eating habits during times of stress or celebration. My husband is a fan of the low-carb diet; I don’t think a life without carbs is worth living. He likes lifting weights and running; I prefer yoga. It’s impossible!

But no matter what E. Jean, we’re too attractive to let ourselves go! I haven’t been feeling as confident as I used to, and this affects our marriage in more ways than one. When I feel badly about myself I can’t give my husband the attention he deserves. We should be feeling frisky and sexy, not flabby and irritable! Help! - Fat and Unhappy in Houston

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

E. Jean to Houston,

Darling, I’d like to see you and your husband try to keep the weight on after you have a whirl at this. (I’m a moron for not thinking of this years ago!)

Go to Flaab.com. Decide how much money it’s worth to each of you to get rid of the 15 pounds forever - $15? $50? $150? $500? (I know people who’ve spent $5,000 a year since the Reagan Administration trying to lose the same 20 pounds.) Decide the date by which you want to lose the weight. Then tell Auntie Eeee the name of your husband’s ex-girlfriend. Because Auntie Eeee is going to send her the money if you don’t lose the weight.

Yes, and to make doubly certain you don’t "fall back into bad eating habits," the note I’m sending to the ex-girlfriend (along with your money) will say you’re such a delightful dingbat that you want her - the ex-girlfriend - to take your husband out to dinner because you’re no longer feeling "frisky and sexy" and can’t lose 15 pounds. (By the way, the note I’d be sending to your ex-boyfriend because your husband can’t lose the pounds is even more entertaining.)

Of course, you’ll get the money back if you do lose the weight; not that you’ll be able to look at food again. And if there are no exes in the case, you can name a horrid ex-boss, a mean girl from high school, or a nasty political group like Kill the Whales.

So let’s do it. The $40 billion-a-year diet industry has wasted everyone’s bread long enough! You can help feed the world’s hungry by stipulating that the United Nations Food Programme receives a percentage of the money you put down. My friend, Kenneth Shaw, a brainiac economics guy out of Stanford, has made the site so simple (no pictures! no bilge!) it’s almost Google-esque.

And best of all? On Flaab.com, you can maintain your svelte self by stipulating that the cash will go to your husband’s ex (the guy who stole your promotion, a puppy mill, etc) if you gain a pound back. Enjoy!

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: Should I Let My Sister Move in With a Republican?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:30:00 -0800

E. Jean is still enjoying her vacation, but not to worry, she'll be back in two weeks! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this oldie but goodie!
Dear E. Jean,
This is about an awful man, thankfully not mine. My beloved sister is stylish, cute, well-educated, and recently managed to lose 60 pounds. Naturally once she got a rockin’ bod, she became a dude magnet. And he’s horrible! Eeee Jean! We are a family of food lovers, and his favorite restaurant is Chili's! He has an elite education, but he’s grossly overweight, knows a lot of lame trivia, and is a very conservative Republican with hideous taste. Her friends don’t like him, her family does not like him, but she is moving to a red state with him. No not red - crimson. Ew. No one has the guts to tell her he sucks, but nobody wants her trapped in a marriage with Mr. Ickington. What should I/my family do? - Nosy But Lovin Lil’ Sis

To see E. Jean's answer read more

Nosy, My Dear Niwit,

Oh, please. I don’t care if it is Dick Cheney she’s hot for. Let her be. Every woman, at least once in her life, should savor the delights of a Republican man. Anyway you can’t control her. Falling in love is like voting. Once your sister goes inside the booth and closes that curtain, she’s on her own.

P.S. And actually I’ve relished some excellent guacamole at Chili’s.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: We Met the Same Guy Online

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 27 Dec 2007 10:00:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

My best friend was engaged for a year-and-a-half to a guy, a real jerk, who dumped her for his female boss. He and his boss are now in Paris on their damn honeymoon. Needless to say, my friend’s been catatonic throughout the holidays. Finally, yesterday she called me all excited, saying she met someone online and they’ve been sending e-mails back and forth. I said, “Great! Fantastic!” Then she said, “You gotta see him, look him up on my Facebook.” I said, “What’s his name?”

E. Jean: It’s a guy who’s been asking me out! He’s not on my Facebook; I met him on Nerve.com, and he asked me to go to a party on Saturday. This is the weirdest situation I’ve ever been in in my life. My friend and I look something alike (the guy obviously likes Asian chicks), and there’s no law against a guy sending e-mails to two girls, but what do I do now? I kinda like the guy.

My friend and I went to college together. We have a very small social circle, and we even dated the same guy in grad school. Should I tell her? Maybe she won’t care. Maybe she’ll think it’s funny, right? The point is, would it be horrible of me to go out with him on Saturday? I’d love to get a date lined up for New Year’s Eve, and this guy is hot. What’s the etiquette here? - Want to See the Ball Drop

To hear E. Jean's answer, read more.

Miss Ball, My Begonia,

Back off, sister. Your friend’s heart has been put through the meat-grinder. “Finally” she meets a nice chap, she’s “all excided” . . . and you’re asking Auntie Eeee if she’ll think his asking you out is “funny.”

Ditch him. No dude’s worth it. There are a million hot guys. But only one best friend.

P.S. And do not tell her! Gawd!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Am I an Online Dating Dud?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:00:00 -0800

E. Jean is still enjoying her time off, but don't fret, she'll be back December 4th! In the meantime, here's an oldie but goodie. Enjoy!

Dear E. Jean,

I know I’m old-fashioned, but I’ve never tried any of the dating sites. It is now time. Past time! (I’m 30 years old and haven’t had a date in seven months. Awk.)

Ok. So. I put my profile on Match.com. I worked hard trying to sound smart and funny and cool. Believe it or not, I was frightened I was going to get inundated with guys I didn’t want to talk to . . . and guess what? No guys - not one guy - wrote to me. Nothing! I’m just sitting there. What am I doing wrong? I feel like I should take my profile down! This is not for me! My friends get tons of notice and meet lots of guys, and one of my friends even married a guy she met on The Onion personals. I don’t get it. Help! - Dead on Match

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Dead, My Daffodil: Come, come, my darling! Buck up! With just one magic tweak to your profile (and I wish you had given us a link), you will be meeting three chaps for coffee by next weekend - guaranteed.

First, forget your profile. Second, don’t worry about coming off as “smart and funny and cool.” Third: It does not matter what you say; it’s all about your picture. If your picture is charming (intriguing, bewitching), guys will want to meet you.

So hire hair and makeup, bring in a stylist, and pay a professional photographer to take your picture. (Or, ask your chic friends for help.) I’m serious. Why do you think the women in Elle, Glamour, Vogue, and W look so enticing? They spend hours getting ready and then hundreds (and hundreds and hundreds) of shots are fired. Gilles Bensimon, who shoots the Elle covers, will shoot an entire afternoon chasing the “perfect” image. You should do no less.

Then, for Gawd’ssakes, don’t write a profile; tell a story. Keep it short, thrilling, warm, and a tad elusive. And why are you waiting for guys to write to you? If you see a lad you like, drop him an email. Mention something delicious that caught your attention about his picture (or his favorite movies, books, etc.) and voila! A raucous courtship can begin with a sedate exchange about butterfly hunting. Good Luck, Miss Dead! Let us all know how it’s going!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean: How Do I Explain My Extreme Shyness?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 10:00:20 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

Whenever I meet a girl I don't know, I suffer from truly spectacular social awkwardness. It's difficult for me to function at any level, including breathing. The result: I'm 40, and I've never had a girlfriend. Never even come close. I've gone out on three dates in my life, each one a disaster. It didn't help that I lived at home into my mid-30s - way too long, I now realize. I'm trying to change my life. I've moved out, bought a house, and have been working hard to overcome my shyness. I've begun having conversations with people I don’t know well. To my immense relief, I'm getting better with practice.

So the question is, now that I'm working up the courage to begin dating, how and when do I tell someone about my odd case history without throwing them for a loop or appearing to be way too peculiar and turning them off completely? Yes, I'm also worried that I'll make every other dating faux pas in the book, but one problem at a time. (Please, please, please no 40-year-old virgin jokes.) - Self-Conscious Enough as It Is

To read E. Jean's advice, read more.

Self, My Swordsman,

I beg your pardon. Did you say . . . three? Only three disasters, sir? Hell, there are hundreds of social catastrophes for you to enjoy. Get ready. Here are your five steps to victory:

Lay Plans: Go to your local church and sign an "abstinence pledge." Statistics show you will lose your virginity within seconds after leaving the building.
Know Your Weak Points: Don't date. It will kill your social life.
Vary Your Tactics: Instead, go to meetup.com. It's genius! Scroll through the dozens of inspiring, egg-heady, wild, world-bettering get-togethers in your area and choose a group that you like. (Yes, there are "virgins" meetups, not to mention the "Beltway Atheists." And if you don't join a group that is at least half women, I'm going to come to your town and hold a meetup called "Bang Jim.") Then all you have to do is show up. Shake hands. Share a beer. No pressure. Make friends of all ages and both sexes.
Wage the PR War: Your story: single guy, a bit shy, good job, owns his own home, no baggage.
Allow Yourself to Be Conquered. And when you get effed-up and shaky in the middle of a conversation-excellent! Most young ladies will walk over their own grandmothers to find a man who will listen to them. (Sun Tzu says the warrior who "gathers the highest intelligence" achieves the "greatest results.") So don’t worry. Wear something handsome, look her in the eye, ask a question, listen, throw out a compliment, ask another question, and in a few weeks you’ll be poking like blazes! Good luck!

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean for DearSugar: What Kind of Angry Should I be?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean--

This guy and I have been hanging out for a little while now, and things seem to be going along -- very slowly. I really care for him, but I'm not quite sure how it is on his end.

We flirt at work, call each other, he emails me, we've been going to concerts, out to get coffee, he came along with me for my birthday--I really thought we had been gaining some Momentum.
Until yesterday.
We had plans to see a movie after work but then I never heard from him. I was a little unnerved and to be quite honest, pissed-off, simply because we said we were going to go and then . . . he never called.

This morning I got an e-mail from him, apologizing . He said his parents stopped by and took him out for dinner, etc. And that's fine, but the thing is, he couldn't just give me a 5-second phone call and let me know it wasn't going to work? I mean, I'm glad he apologized, but something still irks me.

He asked me if we could go tomorrow instead, via email. I haven't gotten back to him yet. Am I wrong for being this irritated about it? I know we're just friends right now (who’ve kissed and cuddled, and perhaps been on dates) but I think I deserved 2 seconds of his time to tell me he had to reschedule.

What do I do? Ignore the e-mail and wait for an actual call or get back to him? I'm just not quite sure how to take it. Should I be passive aggressive until he gets the point? Or be out-right angry and run the risk of him thinking I’m too high maintenance?

To see E. Jean's answer read more

MISS IRRITATED, YOU ADORABLE TWITWAFFLE:

How deliciously persnickety you are, my darling!

Listen to Auntie Eeeee: I like you. I want you to be happy. I know you’re upset (we’ve all been there); but please, please cease pouring your brain through a sieve. Don’t worry if you should be “out-right angry” or “passive-aggressive until he gets the point.” (That’s like asking if you should act like a dingbat or a snotty little bitchette.) Do neither. Be yourself. Repeat. Be Yourself.

That means, if you’re irked . . . be irked. But show your irked-ness in such a fetching manner, you enslave the lad even more deeply. When you see him say:

“Dang! You didn’t call about the movie! Please don’t do that again. You made me miss my man in Bourne.” (If you’re the dramatic-Winona-Ryder-type, at this point you can whip-out a PopSugar photo of the divine Damon and simply clasp it to your breast in heavenly woe.)

And then drop the subject.

The guy’s taking things v.v.v. slowly, true; but he’s crazy enough about you to be “flirting, calling, cuddling, e-mailing, birthday-celebrating, and kissing.” That probably means he’ll continue being crazy about you the next time you’re together. So don’t over-think. Let the magic work. Be yourself. And if he stands you up again? No need to write to E. Jean or DearSugar. Croak him.

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Help, I'm Being Blackmailed!

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 10:00:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

I find myself in a very strange, very frightening situation. You will not see my real name anywhere on this post, because people are threatening me. I am a good, kind, hard-working 29-year-old woman. I have a wonderful fiancé who is finishing his surgery residency and we are planning a June wedding. Because I made a terrible mistake and carried on a brief affair before I became engaged - it lasted all of one week - with my boss (who is female, by the way), I am being blackmailed by a horrible man at work.

Two months ago he demanded $600 in cash. I gave it to him. Last month he demanded $800 in cash and I gave it to him. (This may not sound like a lot of money to you, E. Jean or to the DearSugar ladies, but I promise you, it was very difficult to find an extra $800.) He seems to be well aware of how much I make, and this month (yesterday on the 15th,) he asked for $1000. He says if I don’t pay him, he will go to the CEO and “out” me and my boss. I believe him.

If he goes to the CEO, I will lose my job and so will the woman with whom I had the affair. What should I do? This can’t go on! I don’t have the money! I will have to go to the bank and borrow to pay him the $1000. Please, please help me. I don’t want my fiancé to find out, I don’t want to lose my job! And I don’t know which way to turn!
- Alias in New York.

To see E. Jean's answer read more

My Dear Miss Alias,

Go to the authorities. The man marked you out as an easy victim; and all I can say is: He's about to get the surprise of his idiot life! He’s a criminal, a maggot, what he’s doing is illegal, and he will roast his foul carcass in jail for it. Here are the steps to take:

Keep your wits about you.
Behave at the office as you always behave (i.e., don't tip him off that you are about to take action).
Make copies of your bank statements, any threats, any emails that contain even the smallest inference of his asking you for money, and also write down everything that has happened from the first moment he blackmailed you. That means dialogue, time, place - all details.
When you have (quickly!) gathered the evidence (and alas, it sounds like you do not have too much) go to your local district attorney’s office and file a complaint. A prosecutor will then issue an arrest warrant for the guy - or (more probably) set up a sting operation to catch the worm in the act of taking money from you. You can also go to the police, or to your county sheriff’s office.
Now comes the hard part: Alert your friend/boss what is happening. Nobody knows for certain what went on between the two of you, so my advice to you both is: Refuse to admit anything. Characterize the blackmailer’s accusation as “the frivolous wishful thinking of the office schlub.” You and your boss can figure out how to tell the CEO that one of his employees is attempting to blackmail you over something that is “too ridiculous to even imagine.”
And now the really hard part: Tell the truth to your fiancé. But not the details. You can say you had a brief dalliance, it happened before you were engaged, it lasted less than a week, and that you have reported the blackmailer to the police.

Good luck, Miss Alias. Mr. Blackmailing Slimebucket is just about to learn he messed with the wrong woman!

To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I'm Happy, But Not Sexually Pleased

E Jean Carroll — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:30:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend, a perfect gentleman, two years. In the beginning everything seemed wonderful; and things are still great except for the sex. We just can’t get it right these days. Either we have sex and it ends in disaster (over too quickly), or we make no attempts to do it at all.

I mean he tries to make "moves," but I usually reject him because I’m no longer turned on (mainly because I know how fast it will be over.) I can count on a few fingers the times I’ve had an orgasm with him in this two-year relationship! Aside from the sex we’re pretty fabulous together. He wants me to be happy; but I’m starting to feel desperate. We plan to marry next year! - Pleased, But Not Satisfied

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

But Not, My Blossom,

My God! Has the man never heard of oral sex? Give him Dr. Ian Kerner’s She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and hold a vibrator to his head until he reads the entire chapter called, "The Tongue Is Mightier than the Sword." After that ask him what he likes. It’s time you both develop sexy curiosity and open minds.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Break Up With Him?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

Please, please you have to help me! I can't believe I'm writing, but I'm so confused.

My boyfriend is the nicest guy in the world. He's perfect in every way except his ambition and his career. At first, I didn't mind his job and his being broke all the time because I was so in love. Now that we've been together for almost three years, I'm getting tired of his endless problems.

In the last two years, he changed his jobs five times, got into an accident, totaled his car, and got kicked out of his house. On the other hand, I've been working so hard to build my career, making three times more money than him, and bought my first house. I let him move in with me because I felt so bad.

It's not about the money, but I'm just really tired of coming home from work to find him watching TV, taking a nap, or doing nothing instead of looking for a job. He just doesn't seem like he wants more from life. Doesn't he want to go back to school? Doesn't he want to be successful? I told him many times to update his resume, but he always had excuses. When I asked about his goals and career plans, he got offended. I really don't know what to do. I really love him but I'm stressing out about his laziness.

I want to break up with him, but he’s so good to me. He always treats me so well! He makes me laugh. What should I do, E. Jean? Should I break up with him? Or am I being a b*tch? Should I push him more or is it useless? Please help me! Thank you and love you! - Wanting More, Getting Less

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Miss Wanting, My Delectable Half-Wit,

Oh my God, what a clod! Get rid of him. It’s over. Done. Fini. Fini. Fini. I lurve a toolbag as much as the next woman, but Mr. Endless Problems is a worthless leech who's been sucking on you for so long, you can’t even feel how dumb and cruel he is. Remove his fist from your wallet, strap on your heaviest hiking boots, and give his gluteals a running kick out the door.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.