TresSugar

Group Therapy: My Ex Won't Leave Me Alone

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My ex and I had dated for almost half a year after breaking up twice before, over a five year period. This time I had left the country for a trip, and within two weeks of being gone he wanted to break up. Within a month he had started dating someone else, whom he's still with. During the time I was gone, we kept in touch via phone and instant messenger. We fought constantly about our breakup (who said what and why) and he kept hinting at the fact that he wanted to get back together when I was back. I was not so fond of this idea, since he was dating someone else.

When I came back he immediately asked me out for a beer, and I went along. Again we got into a major fight about our breakup. After that I tried really hard to avoid him even though he kept inviting me out for very inappropriate occasions, always alone. I didn't see him, which only created another argument between us, since he could not understand why I didn't want to be friends. In the end, I asked him never to speak to me again.

Over a month has passed since, and he has started asking me to hang out with him again. I really don't want to - I'm scared I'll have feelings for him-but every time I say no he makes weird comments and continues pressuring me. He won't take no for an answer, and I've tried everything I can do to avoid him. What do I do now?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Dear Poll: Do You Find Others’ Happiness Contagious or Grating?

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 16:00:00 -0700

There’s a reason why “misery loves company” seems to be such a true cliché - for some people, being around happy people when they feel sad is a lot like having someone laugh directly in their face. But learning how to derive happiness from other’s good moods is a great ability, and one I’m still working on! Do you find happiness in others contagious or just irritating?

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The How-To Lounge: Avoiding Lines

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 08:00:00 -0700

If you’re anything like me, then the idea of standing in a line for longer than a minute or two makes you want to go home and crawl under the covers. I’m exaggerating a bit, but you know what I mean - lines can really dampen a mood! If you feel the same way, see my tips for dealing with the dreaded line and read more.

If you’re going somewhere you know is crowded at a particular time, like after work or first thing in the morning, put off your trip for one hour. Even an hour can make a huge difference. And waiting in your house or office is far better than waiting in line.
If you’re going to an event that will be expecting a huge influx of people at one time, try getting there early or late. It might be slightly inconvenient, but you’ll save yourself so much trouble that you won’t mind. And you'd be surprised how much even 15 minutes can help.
If you’re going to be alone, bring your iPod, a book, or a magazine that will keep you occupied while you wait. Taking your mind off of the line really does make it feel like it’s moving faster.
If you have someone else with you, then break up the monotony by letting one person walk around or do errands while the other waits. Switching off like this will not only give you each a break, but it’s a good opportunity to get other stuff done too.
And of course, if applicable, always buy tickets in advance.

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The How-To Lounge: Going Out With a Group

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Enjoying a night or weekend with a group is almost always a strange mix of fun and frustration. As exciting as a good group dynamic might be, it can also be difficult to manage. If everyone starts tugging in different directions, it’s not uncommon for tension to build. If you encounter your share of group outings, read my ideas for making them a bit easier and read more.

It helps to know ahead of time what you’re dealing with. It is a group of five? 10? 20? It’s much easier to deal with a large group when your mind is in the right place.
If there’s a meal involved, make sure to bring cash so you won't have issue when it comes to splitting the tab - you don’t want to be stuck throwing down your card and paying twice as much as everyone else. In fact, it’s an even better idea to ask for your portion to be on a separate tab right when you sit down.
Get ready to go with the flow. Mingling with a group is a more pleasant experience if you don’t try to lead the pack. Instead, try being as adaptable as possible.
Don’t feel like you have to do something you really don’t want to do. Though being easygoing is important in a group setting, you’re still an individual. Don’t let your needs or concerns be stepped on.
Finally, act the way you want the rest of the group to be. If you want it to be a high-energy night, then you have to project that attitude. Whereas if you want it to be mellow, then reflect that in your conversation and actions. One person can really affect the mood of the entire group.

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The How-To Lounge: Making It Through Something You Just Don't Want to Do

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Part of being an adult is doing things you just don’t want to do, so I’m sure most of you have tolerated an occasion that you would have given anything to avoid. Since I’m sure you all have silent suffering down pat, I have a few suggestions for making it through a dreaded event without the agony. Check them out, and read more.

There’s no point in fretting about it if you know you have to go somewhere or do something, so stop dreading it. Don't let a future event that you have no control over ruin your mood now.
Make the best of the situation by trying to find one redeemable thing about participating in something you don’t want to do. Maybe you can connect with an old friend or learn something valuable. Or maybe the biggest thrill is just being able to say you did it. Whatever it may be, focus on it whenever the going gets tough.
Find the humor in everything. Being able to laugh can make an otherwise miserable situation actually enjoyable.
Give yourself something else to think about, like what you’re going to treat yourself with when you’re finished, or how you’ll describe the whole situation to a friend. Removing your mind from the situation will definitely make time go by faster.
Just relax! Since you have to do it, you might as well take a few deep breaths and get through it without letting frustration and anxiety take over. It will be so much more pleasant if your blood pressure isn’t skyrocketing.

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A Do or a Don't: Ultimatums

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Giving an ultimatum is supposed to be a last-ditch effort in trying to change a particular situation. Most of the time this approach is only used in the most desperate times. However, even as a last resort, ultimatums can be very problematic. Not only can they completely backfire on the person giving it, but they also put the receiver in a very defensive position.

Needless to say, sometimes they don't work out as planned. If you’ve ever given an ultimatum, how did it turn out? If you haven’t, would you? Or do you think it can cause more problems than it’s worth?

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Dear Poll: Do You Experience Road Rage?

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Though I try to walk or use public transportation as much as possible, San Francisco is not New York, and life demands that I hop in the car and face the open road every now and again. The problem is, driving in traffic or dealing with aggressive drivers really gets my blood boiling, and before I know it I’m mumbling obscenities under my breath. While music can help calm my nerves, like many people out there, I do suffer from a mild case of road rage. Are you like me?

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Do Tell: Do You Have an Especially Challenging Member of Your Family?

DearSugar — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 10:00:00 -0700

The older you get the more perspective you seem to gain in regards to yourself and those around you. With age, I’ve definitely come to see certain friends and family members more clearly, and it hasn't always been for the best. Though love may be unconditional, a particularly challenging family member can quickly hurt relationships and turn an entire extended family upside down.

Though I’ve been fairly fortunate in this respect, not all my friends have, and they continue to suffer the repercussions of their siblings, cousins, or even parents’ actions. Have you dealt with this kind of scenario before? Ladies, do tell, do you have a member of your family that continues to be difficult?

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Do Tell: Have You Ever Had a Horrible Roommate Experience?

DearSugar — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 10:00:00 -0700

After last weekend's Sunday Confessional, I started to reflect on some of the roommates I've had in the past. As I tallied up all the girls and guys I've lived with, I realized I've had more than my fair share of terrible roomies. They've been anywhere from crazy and clingy to rude and standoffish, not to mention cheap and messy.

And though many of my great roommates have become my closest friends, it seems to me that getting a good roommate is about as easy as finding the right guy. So ladies, do tell, have you ever dealt with an awful roommate situation? Please share your frustrating or funny experiences below!

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Where Do You Stand: Engaged to Be Engaged

DearSugar — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

I can be picky when it comes to certain terminology - you know how I feel about the use of "banged" and "nagging". Sometimes a word or phrase just gets under my skin, like "engaged to be engaged." Though I understand what the phrase is meant to describe, I find it frustrating, because it seems to put an entirely satisfactory relationship into the context of marriage. Perhaps a couple is more than happy just being where they are and feels no need to justify their relationship status with a totally made-up phrase.

Like promise rings, I just don't get the appeal, but do you agree? Or do you find it a perfectly reasonable description? When it comes to the phrase "engaged to be engaged" to represent a serious couple's status, where do you stand?

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