TresSugar

Group Therapy: Dating an Older Guy

Wed, 22 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I just recently got out of a six-month relationship. What was supposed to be a minor break, so that he could manage his time better, turned into a messy breakup that left me totally turned off from the relationship. Thus, I found myself ready to date again much sooner than I would have thought. Almost instantly I was asked out by a guy who goes to my college. He already has his bachelor's degree, but is now getting a degree in nursing. I'm currently working on my masters. But we haven't actually met yet (he found me through our school's network on Facebook, and then on MySpace). We have our first date set for this weekend.

I'm excited about dating again, however, I feel a bit wary about the fact that he's 29 and I'm 24. The five-year age difference isn't so drastic, but all the guys I have dated have always been just a few months older than me, so I don't really know what to expect. I consider myself to be a high-achiever, someone who is serious about her career, but I also have a very silly, girly side. He seems to be very introverted and a high-achiever as well.
Does anyone have any insight on the best way to play my date this weekend?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Where Do You Stand? Friends of Different Ages

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Throughout college and even after, my friends were all in the same age range, but over time I've found that the ages of my friends drastically vary. I've grown closer to the younger siblings of my friends, but also befriended women who are closer to my mom’s age than my own. And frankly, I appreciate the variation.

It’s reassuring to have a woman in my life who’s already been through it all tell me I’m going to be OK, and likewise, my younger friends remind me that being idealistic is a good thing! So where do you stand when it comes to having friends who are much older or younger than you? Are you for it? Or do you find it strange?

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You Asked: I Only Attract Much Older Men

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am a young, college student who is comfortable in her own skin. However, I seem to only be pursued by men that are much older than me. Guys my age just seem to look straight past me, while older men always show interest in me. I find this a little creepy and can't help but wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm a pretty girl by most standards, in good shape, and wear the same clothes as other girls my age. Physically, there's no reason why a young guy shouldn't be looking at me. There just seems to be something about my aura that only attracts older men.

Admittedly, I'm usually attracted to guys a little but older than myself, and when I really like someone, it has always been reciprocal. I'm not worried that I'll never meet anyone, but it bothers me that younger guys don't seem to notice me. Is there something wrong with me, and if so, what should I change?

- Older Men Only Marissa

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Older Men Only Marissa,

Though I've never laid eyes on you, if I had to guess, I would assume that you're a women who looks a few years older than her age and who brings with her a maturity associated with women in their later 20s. While there's certainly nothing wrong with that, it's not surprising that older men, who are looking for a younger woman, would find that combination attractive. Unfortunately, having a much older man interested in you can feel a bit discomforting, but you can't control who's attracted to you, only how you react to their advances. If any man, no matter the age, makes you feel the least bit uncomfortable, then keep away from him.

As far as men your age go, I would bet that your male peers are attracted to you, but unlike their older counterparts, the young men wandering your college campus are still novices when it comes to pursuing a woman. Also, you mention that you're mostly interested in men a few years older, so it may be possible that around men your age, you're giving off an indifferent vibe that they're responding to by keeping away. If you want to start connecting with them more, don't be afraid to reach out via a quick conversation or even a smile; they're probably just waiting for an invitation.

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Dear Poll: When The Roles Are Reversed, Does Age Still Matter?

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

News of 39 year-old Rachel Hunter and 26 year-old Canadian ice hockey player Jarret Stoll's engagement has just hit the wire. While dating out of your age bracket is nothing new, the woman being the older part of the equation isn't as common. Though most of you feel a ten to 20 year age difference is too far of a gap, does your opinion change when it's the woman who's older? I know it's a double standard, but it just feels more scandalous when the man is dating a much younger woman. I could be way off on this one, so tell me, when the roles are reversed, does a big age difference still matter when it comes to relationships?

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Handle This: Dating Someone 20 Years Older

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

You’ve been close with your best friend since you were kids, and you’ve witnessed her love life every step of the way. After a difficult end to a doomed engagement, she’s been having a hard time moving on.

Next thing you know she’s taken up with a man 20 years older than her. He spoils her rotten, and seems to care about her deeply. You know some people think that age is just a number, but something about their relationship dosen’t sit right with you - from what you know, it seems like he’s made a habit out of dating young women. Now she’s confiding in you that she sees herself marrying him, so how do you handle this?

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Dear Poll: Do You Date Men That Are Older, Younger, or Your Age?

DearSugar — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 14:00:00 -0700

When you imagine the perfect boyfriend, I'm sure many characteristics come to mind, but in all fairness, age is a pretty big one, too. I see couples that differ in age all the time, and though the jury is still out on whether or not it's a good idea, I guess it's inevitable. Of course everyone has their own preference and people mature at different paces, but when it comes to your relationships, do you prefer to date someone older than you, younger than you, or your exact same age?

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You Asked: Is He Too Immature For Me?

DearSugar — Thu, 29 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am 26, have a great job, and live on my own. I have been dating a guy for seven months now who is 23, lives with his parents, goes to college, and works full time. It's not his emotional maturity that I'm concerned about, rather his place in life. He's never been on his own and he's cheap, which is one of the reasons I think he's never moved out.

We go out to eat sometimes but I always feel awkward because I don't know who should pay - though he does offer frequently. I cook a lot for us, but he never pitches in on groceries - I don't ask him to. He never says "thank you" or helps clean up. He also says he's going to get me things, but doesn't follow through. He just got a new car, but he has very few bills to pay outside of that. He doesn't pay rent, buy groceries, or pay for school. He's never been on his own so I don't know if he'll always be like this or if he just needs to experience things to appreciate them.

On the flip side, he mentions our future together all the time. He got me a nice gift for Christmas and my birthday. He's a very sweet guy - he's always affectionate, polite, and makes me laugh. I think he has good intentions, but he's in desperate need of guidance. I don't want to be a nag but I feel like I put more into the relationship than he does. I guess I have standards and he's not meeting them. I know good guys are hard to find and I would really like to make it work, but I think I need more. Am I being selfish? Are we just in two different stages in life? Will he grow out of this? Please help!

- More Mature Marian

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear More Mature Marian,

You're certainly not being selfish - if your needs aren't being met, that's a problem. I wish I could say whether or not your boyfriend was going to grow out of this, but unfortunately, only time will tell. It sounds like he does care about you, but just has no idea that his actions are upsetting you - how could he if you've never told him? It also sounds like he's fairly responsible if he's holding down a job and going to school full time even if he does still live at home. However, if he's just a cheapskate, their might not be much you can do. Regardless, it's time to make him aware of your issues so you can at least give him the opportunity to change.

Sit down and talk to him, or if that's too intimidating, try bringing it up casually next time you go to pay for something. Either way, avoid attacking him or mentioning his age, as it's likely that he'll react defensively instead of trying to understand where you're coming from. If he decides to start rethinking his actions, make sure you show appreciation and support. It will be important for him to hear that he's doing something right for you. If he's not willing to change, or if he says that he will but then continues the same behavior, I think you'll have your answer about whether or not you two are on the same wavelength.

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You Asked: I'm Dating My Professor

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I started seeing an awesome guy a few months ago. We have great conversations and our sexual relationship is amazing. Unfortunately, there are a few issues. For one, he is twice my age (I’m 24), and he also happens to be one of my college professors. The problem now is that somebody has told the college that he and I have a very "close" relationship and he's received a warning about getting involved with a student even though I'm more than consenting of our relationship.

He’s worried about his job, but I don’t want to lose him. He wants to end things with me but I want be selfish and ask him if we can stay together even if it means that we only spend time together on weekends, and avoid going out in public, and never interact on campus. What should I do?

- Dangerous Liaisons Lucy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Dangerous Liasons Lucy,

Although student relationships with college professors are not uncommon, it's your unconcerned nature that worries me most. It's true that you are both consenting adults, but your boyfriend is still breaking an extremely important code of ethics that he's required to uphold for his position. Regardless of how you both feel about one another, from the school's standpoint, one of their employees is taking advantage of his position of power and violating the rules, which can lead to suspension, losing his position, and making it difficult for him to get work at other schools.

You and your boyfriend needs to sit down and discuss the implications of staying together. Obviously the consequences are more dire for him than they are for you, so if he decides to end things, I think it's important that you respect that. Likewise, if the relationship continues and ends up being exposed, it's important to remember that there will be personal implications for your relationship as well. Either way, it's time to take a step back - I would avoid any contact with each other at school or in public. In such a serious situation, the most important thing is to avoid looking at the situation from an emotional point of view and focus on considering things as rationally as possible.

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You Asked: How Do I Tell Him I'm Still a Virgin?

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am currently romantically involved with a much older man. I am 18-years-old and he is almost 31. It may seem like a large gap, but we honestly have so much in common and I've never been happier. The problem is that I'm still a virgin, and he's had three serious relationships that I know of. I told him I wasn't ready for sex, but I never told him that I'm actually a virgin. He's respected my wishes, but lately he's been putting more pressure on me. I feel like I'm ready for the next step, but I'm not sure how to take it. How do I tell him my situation without scaring him away?

- Young But Ready Debbie

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Young But Ready Debbie,

That certainly is a significant age difference, but it sounds like you've made your decision to be honest with him, and I think that's always a good move. I'm glad to hear that he's been respectful of your desire to wait, but don't feel that you have to give into any pressure now that he's more eager. Deciding to have sex just to please him is not a recipe for a good relationship; however, if you're truly ready, owning up to your secret is imperative.

Depending on how well you know each other, it's possible that he's already guessed that you're a virgin so talking with him may not be as difficult as you think. You have nothing to be ashamed of so I would just be very direct with him. If he does get scared, it will reveal a lot about your relationship, namely that he's not comfortable dating someone who is on such a different level from him. On the other hand, your virginity might be a major turn on for him, which is also worrisome - you don't want him to date you just so he can pop your cherry.

If he's anything but supportive after you have a heart to heart, I would start considering the implications of your age difference. If he's willing to take things slow and you feel like he's respecting your needs, try not to worry so much about his reaction and focus more on how you feel. Good luck, and remember to use protection.

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Dear Poll: Does Age Matter in Hollywood Relationships?

DearSugar — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 16:00:00 -0800

Age gaps between Hollywood couples are nothing new, hello Lance and Ashley, Ashton and Demi, even Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox, but for some reason, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal when you're a celebrity - am I wrong? Perhaps it has something to do with their fast-paced life in the limelight or all the experience they have under their belt, I don't know, but this new couple sure has people talking. Hayden Panettiere, 18, and Milo Ventimiglia, 30 were rumored to be dating, but according to these new pictures, it looks as though their secret is out.

I'm sure you all have your opinions on age differences in relationships, but what I want to know is, do you think it matters as much when you're a celebrity?

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