TresSugar

You Asked: I'm Plagued With Thoughts of My Abusive Ex

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

About two years ago I broke up with a boyfriend who I had been with for three years. Throughout our relationship, he lied to me numerous times about drinking and drugs, as well as his actions with other women. He would vow to change each time but never did. He also made me feel guilty and accused me of not loving him anytime I wanted to do something that didn't involve him - be it a family function or a night out with the girls. I never had the strength to break up with him because I was sure we loved each other. I alienated myself from all my friends and he became my everything. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt trapped and incredibly unhappy. I finally mustered up the courage to break up with him but convincing myself that I deserved better was a very painful process - I slowly realized that I was in an abusive relationship.

I've made a few new friends but haven't dated since. I've recently, for some reason, started thinking about my ex again. The logical part of me knows he treated me terribly, and I thought I had made my peace with the whole ordeal, but I'm plagued with thoughts of him. I really just want to move on with my life and maybe one day have a healthy relationship, but I just don't know how to do that. Do you have any advice for me? - Hurting Heather

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Hurting Heather,

Abuse does not belong in any relationship so I'm glad to hear that you've ended things with your ex. With that said, it sounds like you became pretty dependent on each other so it's no surprise that you're still holding onto feelings for him. When any relationship ends, good or bad, it takes time to move on. Keep reminding yourself that you do deserve better, and I also suggest you speak to a therapist - she could help you work through your feelings and thoughts about the abuse you endured, and help you make progress in the moving-on phase.

Having a healthy relationship is possible, Heather, but you'll have to let go of the past before you can work on your future. Lean on your friends and family for support and remember that with time, all wounds heal. Good luck to you.

Source

You Asked: Being Perfect All the Time Is Killing Me!

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend is an Aries, which means that he expects nothing but the best from me and he's under the impression that I should do everything right the first time. He wants me to be perfect in every way but I'm finding it exhausting. I try to suggest that he empathize with me but he doesn't get it and as a result, he makes me feel inferior and limited. What can I do to appear more confident and self-assured? - Pushed Too Far Patricia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Pushed Too Far Patricia,

Well it's no wonder you feel inferior and limited - I would too if I had a boyfriend like that! No one can be perfect all the time, and in actuality, perfection is so subjective that you might never meet your boyfriend's ideal. The thing about being the best you can be is learning from your mistakes, so if your boyfriend doesn't understand that it's nearly impossible to do everything right the first time, every time, you might be better off dating someone that does.

Relationships are all about growing together as a couple, so if you're only left to feel bad about yourself after spending time with him, something has got to change, and fast. It sounds like talking to him isn't helping so lay down the law. Tell him that you don't like the way his unattainable expectations make you feel and that if he doesn't start to accept you for who you are, he's going to have to get used to being single.

Having self-confidence comes with loving yourself but when you have someone who's constantly pointing out your flaws, it can make it really difficult to see all the positive attributes you do have. Don't hang onto this guy if things don't change, Patricia. You deserve to be with someone that loves you and all your imperfections.

Source

You Asked: My Neighbor Is Being Abused

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

Recently, my fiancé and I awoke to the screaming of obscenities from a couple who lives downstairs. We groggily listened to this disturbance before it escalated to what sounded like furniture being thrown around the room. Then we heard the female cry out these exact words: "Help me! My boyfriend is abusing me!" I immediately dialed 911. After I finished the call, we heard more violent knocking around and, finally, a car speeding off.

A few minutes after the police arrived, they knocked on our door since we were the ones to call the police. To our surprise, the woman denied the entire thing! The policeman told us that there were major chips and dents outside the door and walls downstairs. He believed us but couldn't do anything if the woman didn't want to help herself first.

This already has happened twice. We feel helpless in this situation. We want to do something, but we're afraid to confront this violent man who is abusing her. We have our own lives to keep safe, too. It seems all we can do is assist her anonymously. How can we tolerate listening to these repeated disputes and then have our help rejected whenever we try to protect her?

- Helpless Hailey

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Helpless Hailey,

This is a very difficult and depressing situation to witness. First of all, I want to applaud you and your fiancé for making that 911 call - you'd be surprised how many people would rather let something awful take place than risk getting involved. That said, your safety is very important and I wouldn't chance confronting the abuser. However, if you can safely approach the woman when she's alone, tell her that you're concerned for her safety and ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Give her the name of somewhere she can go in the neighborhood to seek support; approach a local women's clinic or college to find the information specific to your community.

Sadly, there's not much more you can do, other than call 911, file a noise complaint with the police, and inform your landlord or apartment office of the disturbances. Next time you hear any sort of dispute coming from their apartment, call the police immediately and hopefully they can catch the couple in the midst of their fighting, and at the very least, give the abuser a scare. You can also locate more resources at The National Domestic Abuse Hotline. Keep yourself safe.

Source

Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: How Do I Deal With an Abusive Father?

DearSugar — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 09:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar and Mistreated Melinda need your help. How can she deal with her mentally abusive father?

Dear Sugar,

Since my father grew up physically abused, he feels that he has every right to treat me however he wants. He orders me to do chores but mutters about how I'm completely inept. I clean my room, mop, vacuum, and do dishes, yet it's still a pig-sty to him. He also makes fun of the fact that I'm overweight, and has even gone so far as to hide food from me.

He treats my mom and I like dirt, and he's constantly yelling. He leaves for work complaining about how worthless we are, and then expects a back rub from me when he gets home.

The job market is especially poor in the area where we live, and he feels like it's my fault that I don't have a job yet. I'm just an extra expense to him. I feel completely abandoned because both my older sisters left home at 17, and my mom wishes I would move out too because then there'd be less for him to yell about. Moving out is not an option, I don't have enough money and I don't have anyone I can move in with.

My only option then is to confront him about how hurtful he is. I've written letters that I've planned to leave out for him when I'm not at home, but I always lose my courage and end up ripping them up. What can I do? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

-Mistreated Melinda

Source

Ask a Woman Unwilling to Settle: My Boyfriend Calls Me Names

TresSugar — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, a woman unwilling to settle shares her wisdom with a distraught woman who's sick of her boyfriend calling her cruel names. October is domestic violence awareness month. Remember, just because he's not punching you in the face doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Verbal abuse is still abuse.

This week's question:

"Every time my boyfriend gets angry, I get called names. 'Bitch' is the most often one thrown at me. I have told him so many times that it hurts me but he says it's only words. Sometimes he doesn't even apologize. Yesterday, he told me a story about his friend. I told him that I had a headache. He started shouting and telling me that I just wasn't interested, that I was rude. I wanted him to shut up. He called me a bitch again! He always tells me that he would never call me anything if I didn't make him by behaving like an idiot. Once he called me pathetic. I told him I didn't like that and he said at least he didn't call me a bitch. I'm sick and tired of explaining how wrong he is. He thinks he knows better. Please help!"

Signed,

In Pain

To hear what a woman unwilling to settle thinks about this situation, read more

Dear In Pain:

GET OUT. DUMP HIM. MOVE ON. LET GO. LEAVE. DROP HIM!

The simple truth is that your boyfriend does not respect you and he certainly doesn’t value you, your feelings, or your relationship. He is literally shouting this at you. And it’s time for you to hear him, loud and clear.

I realize it’s easy to become confused in matters of the heart. But at the core of any meaningful, loving, long-lasting relationship is always going to be respect. (Trust Aretha to say it like it is!) Without that, you’ve got nothing. And that is exactly what you’ve got right now-nothing.

Your boyfriend doesn’t have the maturity, self-awareness, or emotional development to be the man you want or to offer you the relationship you deserve. (Or at least I presume you expect something more, since you’ve taken the time to write in!)

You are only fooling yourself if you think this guy is going to change. And while you continue to endure his demeaning comments and cruel behavior, you could be out there enjoying the world, meeting new people, and building a life and relationships to be proud of. What are you waiting for?

Take that next step! Show yourself a little respect and leave him and his drama behind you. And while you’re at it, ask yourself one very simple question: why are you in this situation to begin with? If you take the time to sort out your head now, you’ll spare yourself the heartache and disappointment of repeating the same pattern in the future. And at that point you'll be free to meet someone worthy of your time and your heart. Stop being so afraid to take responsibility for your own happiness and make the change now!

Source

You Asked: Their Friendship Hurts Me

DearSugar — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my fiance for two years now. He is the absolute love of my life, so when he recently proposed, I didn't hesitate to say yes! Before we dated, I dated his best friend for four years. My ex and I were broken up for close to two years before my fiance and I got together, but it still ended their friendship.

They have recently started to talk and become friends again, but it's causing quite a rift in our relationship. My ex could quite possibly be the biggest jerk in the world - he was threatening, jealous, and emotionally abusive toward me, and I don't want him in my life in any way, shape, or form. My fiance, on the other hand, thinks that their friendship is separate from our relationship, but it has already affected our otherwise perfect relationship. I don't want to seem unreasonable so how should I handle this situation? - He's Causing a Rift Ritta

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear He's Causing a Rift Ritta,

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is going through some turmoil right now, but I'm sure your fiance has really missed his best friend throughout the years, so I'm not all that surprised that they're trying to rebuild their relationship. Instead of letting him taint this exciting time in your life, open up to your finance and explain how you feel.

Since you can't tell him who he can and cannot be friends with, you guys are going to have to come to a middle ground. If you need closure from your ex, now is the time to get it, but if you're not ready to go back to that time in your life, ask your fiance to respect your needs and understand your position. I can see how this could cause a rift in your relationship so keep the lines of communication open and ask for whatever you need to feel comfortable about their friendship. Good luck to you.

Source

Teen Romance Is Rife With Abuse

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

A surprising and fairly depressing article from Reuters earlier this week examines two recent studies on adolescent romantic relationships in conjunction with physical and emotional abuse. Both studies, one online survey completed by Liz Claiborne Inc. and the other conducted by Christian Forke of Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, make references to the high rates of violence in preteen and teen relationships.

Clairborne's study makes a strong connection between abuse and early sexual activity, while Forke's findings iterate that emotional abuse can lead to other kinds of abuse later on. As noted in the article:

Forke found emotional violence - which includes verbal abuse and subjecting a partner to controlling behavior and put-downs - was the most common type of violence at all ages, especially before college. Forke surveyed students at three urban colleges and found nearly 45 percent had experienced relationship violence before or during college.

Abuse is never OK, but when coupled with youth and love, I imagine it can be especially damaging, specifically in regards to future relationships. While I certainly hope none of us experienced abuse as teenagers in love, I wonder: Did your early relationships affect your future or current relationships? Were your youthful love affairs positive or negative experiences?

Source

You Asked: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am in a relationship that has been incredibly intense since the day we met. We lived together, but our relationship has suffered many blows. My boyfriend began to lose his temper in ways I'd never seen before - he became mildly verbally abusive and he's frightened me on several occasions. During those times, I'd go to sleep thinking 'I have to get out of this', but by morning, he would be apologetic and sweet, and he would tell me that he wanted to change. I always believed him and stayed.

Things became so hard on me that I finally moved out two months ago. His behavior has become much less severe, but I still feel torn as to whether or not I should give him the chance to start treating me better. I'm just not sure if his temper has truly improved or if it would return to the same level once we got back together. Am I foolish to think it could work out with someone like this? - Torn Tanja

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Torn Tanja,

I'm really sorry to hear about your boyfriend's change in behavior, but I'm really glad to hear that you've moved out. You say that he's become slightly verbally abusive, but Tanja, any kind of abuse - mild or not - should not be tolerated in any relationship.

You say you've seen him change since you've been apart, but I'd be extremely hesitant to believe that he's transformed himself in just two months. If this is a relationship you really want to salvage, I highly recommend that your boyfriend starts seeing a therapist as it sounds like he has some anger management issues that he needs to address ASAP.

While I'd like to think everything could work out for you two in the end, you need to remember that abuse of any kind is simply unacceptable behavior. Put yourself first and if you find yourself yearning to get back together, please proceed with caution. Trust your gut instincts, and I wish you luck.

Source

You Asked: This is Abuse, Right?

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

You would think I would know these things by now but I'm very confused. Maybe this is the way relationships are supposed to be. But I don't think so. I think I'm in a very abusive relationship and I don't know how to get out.

I've been engaged for 3 years, and I've never met my fiance's family, and I'm not allowed to speak to his friends, or be at the house when someone is there. He has everything in my name such as his cars, houses, utilities, cable, phone, gas, groceries, etc. He has never paid for one thing since we've been together. He works all the time but he never has any money. He forced me to buy a home that I can't afford and now I have all these credit card bills because he keeps charging to them. I'll call and cancel them and he calls and re-instates them.

He calls me names like you b*tch, c*nt, whore, and combinations of other vile disgusting things. He tells me I'm a black hole and that NO man would ever want me. I used to let it all slide and then I started arguing back, but it just makes it worse. He makes me feel like I bring this on myself.

He always accuses me of inquiring about his bank accounts which I never have, in fact this happened today. He called out "God make her stop," and "don't let her say another word, she is a liar," and "I can't hear anymore." I said again, "you are wrong I haven't lied to you. I did not inquire or look at your account." We were sitting in the middle of an intersection and he started throwing this tantrum, banging on the door and the dashboard, throwing his food at me, calling me names. He broke my console and then jumped out of the car while telling me he hated me and that I was a disgusting b*tch!

I grew up with an abusive father and I've been putting up with his for years. Why can't I see that he is using me and why can't I leave? I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I'm not crazy, this is abuse right?

--Can't Take it Anymore Carla

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Can't Take it Anymore Carla--

My heart is breaking just reading this. Honey, your man is controlling and yes, this is an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to be physically hurting you in order for it to qualify as "abuse." Abuse is about one person dominating the other, and all that you've explained above shows that your boyfriend is trying to control you and everything you do. He's taking advantage of your kindness and damaging your heart and self-esteem.

Emotional abuse does NOT belong in any relationship. You should be free to see who you want, go where you want, and not have to answer to him or pay his bills. All this awful name calling is about him trying to make you feel bad about yourself, but don't let him. You are a strong, smart, and caring person who deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves, and above all, respects you!

I fear that things will only get worse, so you must get out of this relationship, ASAP. You've got to leave him any way you can. Go and stay with a trusted family member or friend so you are not going through this alone. You can also get information and support by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224. Please take care of yourself before he really hurts you.

Source

You Asked: Could This Be Abuse?

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I go through phases where we will play fight. It's totally harmless, but sometimes we end up really hurting each other. He'll pin me down so I can't move, and it really scares me. I tell him this, but I don't think he takes me seriously. I ask him repeatedly to get off me, but he won't. Sometimes I end up defending myself by hitting him back or pushing him off me. He usually gets angry at me, which seems totally unfair. I'm smaller than him.

I sometimes wonder if this is real abuse masked in playfulness. It's never gotten completely out of hand, but he obviously doesn't listen to me when I tell him to stop. If asking him to stop doesn't work, what else can I do?

- Scared and Unsure Sammy

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Scared and Unsure Sammy,

In most situations, constraining someone against her will is categorized as abuse. However, play fighting is not an uncommon sexual practice for couples, but it must be condoned by both parties. I'm not sure what purpose your play fighting is serving for your relationship, unless perhaps this a form of foreplay. Nonetheless, you should never feel scared; it is not OK for him to ignore your requests for him to stop, and I'm concerned that this could lead to an abusive situation later on down the road.

You need to put an end to the play fighting until you get it under control. I get the impression that you're not the one initiating these moments, so I think you should let your fiancé know that you're no longer comfortable with them, and you have no intention of partaking in them anymore. He may be offended, but don't let that deter you from standing your ground. I'd also suggest seeking couples counseling in you're really worried. It's possible that there is some deeper issue going on with your fiancé that you're not aware of. The therapist can also teach alternatives for this kind of play or ways of enjoying it in a safer context if that's what you'd like to do.

Remember that emotional abuse is still abuse and should be treated just as seriously. If he continues to make you feel scared and out of control, do not hesitate to seek help. As always, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline or your local women's health center.

Source