TresSugar

You Asked: Will Moving In Ruin Everything?

DearSugar — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 13:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of almost two years just got into law school and I couldn't be happier for him. For the past four months we have been discussing moving in together when both of our leases are up in October and the only uncertainty was where. Now that he knows where he'll be for the next three years, we've started to search for the right areas, prices, and furniture. He is very excited about this move, but I am freaking out. This is the most healthy relationship I have ever been in, I am extremely happy and in love, but what if moving in together ruins everything? I understand that it is the next step but I can't help but look seven months down the road. So much can happen over the next seven months and I'm starting to really freak myself out. Do you have any advice? - Tripping Tanna

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Dear Tripping Tanna,

Moving in with your boyfriend is a huge step so don't be so hard on yourself for freaking out a little! While it may seem like the time is right, I highly advise you to really discuss the seriousness of what you're doing. Make sure you're on the same page about money, your expectations for the future, how to handle arguments and house guests, how his study/school schedule will affect you, etc. While it might seem like all fun and games, living with someone takes a lot of compromise and understanding too.

You're right, seven months is a ways away, but keep it all relative Tanna. If you're paranoid that something is going to go wrong between now and then, you're going to taint this exciting time in your life. Talk to your boyfriend about the way you're feeling so he can help calm your nerves, and it also might be a good idea to talk to friends that have cohabited before. While living together means something different for every couple, they might have some words of wisdom for you.

You say everything is going well in your relationship so far so I'd just take a step back and trust that nothing will change for the worse - I'm sure living together will just bring you even closer together! Good luck.

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You Asked: How Can I Change?

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 13:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Me and my boyfriend got into a couple of bad fights last month. Actually it was more like me yelling like a crazy person and him trying to walk away. He says he does that so he won't say something he'll regret, but I take it as him not listening or not caring. We finally talked a week after our last spat, and he told me that he doesn't think it's going to work out because he's tired of trying.

Every time it gets to the point where he wants to breakup with me, I change my tune and don't sweat the small stuff. But after a couple of months go by, I get back into the routine of getting upset and flipping out. I know I need an attitude adjustment and I want to change, but I don't know how. Do you have any advice? - Want to Save My Relationship Sandra

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Dear Want to Save my Relationship Sandra,

This isn't a healthy cycle to be in so I'm glad to hear that you want to make a change. I think acknowledging your flaws is the first step, and I know that's not an easy thing to do, so I applaud you for stepping up to the plate.

It sounds to me like you get angry easily. Try taking deep breaths and thinking through your emotions before letting your initial reaction get the best of you. If you find that that doesn't help, try to look deeper inside to see if there's something else going on that's creating this anger. It's also important that your boyfriend looks at the role he plays, as something tells me he's not just an innocent bystander.

While I understand that you want to save your relationship, I think it's important for you to make this change for yourself, not only your boyfriend. Talking to a trusted friend or a therapist might also help you sort through your emotions, but whatever route you decide to take, try to keep it all relative. Good luck to you.

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You Asked: My Husband Has Gotten Fat!

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I love my husband. He is everything I ever wanted in a man and more - about 25 pounds more. When we first met, he was very fit and athletic, but over time he's really put on the chunk. I find it very unattractive and I am much less interested in sex now, and it's starting to cause problems in our relationship because he feels rejected. I've never outright told him to lose weight, but I'm starting to think I should.

I'm fit and healthy (I'm training for my second marathon) so I'm constantly exercising and eating right. I always prepare healthy meals and have plenty of healthy snacks in the house, but he continuously goes to the grocery store to buy junk food, he goes out to lunch at work, or he eats obscenely unhealthy portions of what would otherwise be a healthy meal. When I invite him for a run or to walk the dog, he's not interested. What do I do? - Turned Off Olivia

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Dear Turned Off Olivia,

So this doesn't cause any more strain on your relationship than it already has, you've got to speak up and tell him what's on your mind ASAP. Not only is it important so you can salvage your relationship, but his unhealthy eating habits are most definitely wreaking havoc on his mind, body, and spirit.

Talk to him in a very nonthreatening tone so he won't get defensive, and instead of turning it into a "you need to lose weight" conversation, approach the topic as a life change you'd like to see him make. It sounds like your husband has simply slipped into an unhealthy rut, so work together to break this new cycle. Turn the nightly dog walks into time spent together, and if he needs those occasional breaks from the diet food, indulge in a pizza night together or treat yourselves to an ice cream cone every once in a while. As we all know, depriving ourselves of the things we love could throw off our weight loss plan all together so start with baby steps.

At the end of the day, your husband is still the same guy he was before he put on the chunk, so speak up, be honest with him, and hopefully he'll make getting back into shape a priority for him and you. Good luck!

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You Asked: Is He Off Limits?

DearSugar — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 11:44:48 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My sister and her ex boyfriend broke up over five years ago and since then, he and I have remained friends. Once or twice he has alluded to liking me, but nothing ever happened between us. The subject has come up again, and he asked me to dinner tomorrow night. I adore him as a friend and could see that friendship growing into something more, so should I say something to my sister or just wait to see what comes of this date? - Going on a Date Deborah

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Dear Going on a Date Deborah,

Without knowing any of the details about your sister's breakup or where she is in her life now, I would advise you to be honest with her about your feelings for this guy. Even if things are up in the air, I'm sure she'd appreciate your candor - wouldn't you want her to be forthright if the roles were reversed?

You don't have to go into too much detail, especially since nothing has happened yet, but the more honest you are, the easier this situation will be for everyone involved. Good luck; I hope she takes the news well.

Source

You Asked: I Want Him Out!

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 13:01:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has been living with me for over a year now. He is unemployed and a generally nice guy, but I'm no longer in love with him. I constantly tell him how I feel, but he just brushes me off - I think he thinks I'm joking. He stays home all day but never looks for work, he hasn't helped out around the house in months, and while I don't want to leave him high and dry, I just can't do it anymore - he's starting to drive me nuts! What should I do? - Over Him Hayden

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Dear Over Him Hayden,

If you're ready to end this relationship, end it, because you'll only be doing your boyfriend a disservice by staying with him out of fear or obligation. Since he isn't taking your words to heart, it's clearly time for a serious talk. Figure out what you want your next steps to be and let him know where you stand. I understand that you don't want to leave him in the lurch, so perhaps you can put your heads together to come up with a temporary plan until he can get his feet back on the ground. This won't be easy, but if you're unhappy, something has to change. Good luck to you.

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You Asked: WIll She Ever Accept Me?

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we love each other very much. I recently moved overseas to be with him and things have been going great, with the exception of his sister - she has never accepted me and always treats me like I'm not wanted. In the almost two years that he and I have been together, she has never once called me to make plans or even just to say hi, and she has made her feelings about me very clear to him and his parents. It's been really hard for me to make new friends since I've moved and I always hoped his sister would reach out to me, but she's just made matters worse.

I know he wants us to have some sort of relationship, but I feel like she'll just never accept me. How can I handle this and keep it from affecting my relationship with my boyfriend? - Lonely Laura

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Dear Lonely Laura,

I'm so sorry to hear that your boyfriend's sister isn't welcoming you into her life, but it sounds to me like she's just jealous of the role you play in her brother's life - she now has to compete with you for his attention. You say that she's never made an effort to spend time with you, but have you reached out to her?

She sounds very stubborn so I recommend you talk to your boyfriend and ask him what the best way to approach this situation is. You don't want to come on too strong, but you also don't want to be a pushover, so find a middle ground and go from there. If she's still unwilling to let you in, you're unfortunately going to have to wait for her to come around. I know this has to be hard on you so lean on your boyfriend for support, but try to keep the issues with his sister separate. Good luck to you.

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You Asked: How Can I Open My Heart Again?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been separated from my husband of 11 years for nine months. In the new year I started dabbling with dating. I met with few men for coffee, drinks, and dinner, but none took my fancy until now. We met online and chatted for a month before we actually met up face to face. It's been four and a half months, but I'm scared of getting into anything serious. I do desire to have someone in my life again and I'm not actively dating other men, so what's the matter with me? How can I open my heart again? - Back on the Market Mary

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Dear Back on the Market Mary,

Dating again after being off the market for so long isn't easy, but the more you put yourself out there, the easier it will become. Since you like this guy and do have a desire to be someone again, I think you should just take baby steps instead of diving into this relationship headfirst. Fear is a perfectly normal reaction, but if you open up to this man and tell him how you're feeling, I'm sure he'll be patient with you. Trusting someone with your heart isn't an easy thing to do, but if you trust in yourself, I think it'll just be a matter of time before you find true happiness again. Good luck to you.

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You Asked: I Don't Want to Be Used Anymore

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:51:20 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been hooking up with a guy for about a month now and he continues to surprise me by how genuinely sweet he is every time we hook up. Unfortunately though, he doesn't want a relationship - he has considered it many times but something always changes his mind.

I continually get angry at myself for allowing him to, for lack of a better word, use me. On many occasions I tried to just be friends with him, but we always end up going back to the same old thing. He's been very vocal about not wanting a relationship, but I'm left confused because his actions tell me something different. Is there hope for us? - Wanting More Maureen

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Dear Wanting More Maureen,

While actions speak louder than words, I think you should take what he says to heart this time. A month is a pretty long time to hook up without taking it to the next level, so if you're left unfulfilled with the relationship you have, I suggest you cut ties and move on. If he does come to the realization that he wants something more, revisit the situation, but until then, put yourself first. Feeling like you're being used will eventually wreak havoc on your self-esteem.

Source

You Asked: Should We Invite Them to Our Wedding?

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:11:57 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fiance and I are getting married in August, and we are torn about whether we should invite one of our friends and his wife. We have been friends with him since college (nearly a decade) and he has been a wonderful, sweet, supportive, understanding friend and husband. His wife, on the other hand, could not be less supportive or more selfish. Several months before their wedding, she told him that he had to stop talking to all of us because she found out that he had a minicrush on one of the girls in our group during our freshman year of college- long before he even met his wife. She said that we all reminded her of the "other" girl, who is happily married to someone else! She threatened to break off their engagement, so he cut all ties with us immediately. She eventually eased up, but things are definitely awkward for everyone.

We were quite surprised to receive an invitation to their wedding last year (none of our other friends did), but she did not even acknowledge our presence during the rehearsal or the big day. I would like to invite him to our wedding, and I would like him to feel comfortable bringing his wife. However, it is difficult for me to stomach the thought of someone attending our special day who has caused so much pain and heartbreak within my group of dear friends. I really want this day to be drama free, so what should we do? - Don't Need the Drama Nina

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Dear Don't Need the Drama Nina,

This is a very tough situation, and I'm sorry to hear that this woman has caused so much heartache for your friends. Although your wedding is supposed to be about you and your husband, I do understand how political the day can be too. The decision is ultimately up to you, but have you thought about inviting them but seating them (far) away from your other friends so she doesn't have an opportunity to make them feel uncomfortable?

I know this isn't an easy decision, so perhaps you and your fiance should write out a pro and con list to weigh your options. If you have some time to make the decision, maybe having a heart to heart with this woman would be beneficial, as it's pretty clear by her behavior that she's simply just jealous of you and your friends.

I know this is the last thing you need on your plate right now, so listen to your gut and make whatever decision will cause the least amount of drama. Good luck!

Source

You Asked: Their Friendship Hurts Me

DearSugar — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my fiance for two years now. He is the absolute love of my life, so when he recently proposed, I didn't hesitate to say yes! Before we dated, I dated his best friend for four years. My ex and I were broken up for close to two years before my fiance and I got together, but it still ended their friendship.

They have recently started to talk and become friends again, but it's causing quite a rift in our relationship. My ex could quite possibly be the biggest jerk in the world - he was threatening, jealous, and emotionally abusive toward me, and I don't want him in my life in any way, shape, or form. My fiance, on the other hand, thinks that their friendship is separate from our relationship, but it has already affected our otherwise perfect relationship. I don't want to seem unreasonable so how should I handle this situation? - He's Causing a Rift Ritta

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Dear He's Causing a Rift Ritta,

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is going through some turmoil right now, but I'm sure your fiance has really missed his best friend throughout the years, so I'm not all that surprised that they're trying to rebuild their relationship. Instead of letting him taint this exciting time in your life, open up to your finance and explain how you feel.

Since you can't tell him who he can and cannot be friends with, you guys are going to have to come to a middle ground. If you need closure from your ex, now is the time to get it, but if you're not ready to go back to that time in your life, ask your fiance to respect your needs and understand your position. I can see how this could cause a rift in your relationship so keep the lines of communication open and ask for whatever you need to feel comfortable about their friendship. Good luck to you.

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