TresSugar

You 101: Drew Barrymore, Work and Love

DearSugar — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 12:00:00 -0700

In April's Glamour, Carrie Fisher interviews Drew Barrymore, exploring how she's managed to become such an unlilkely and unique success story, inside and out. There's much of interest in the interview, but this gem I selected just for you:

For years I've said that when it comes business, I am a woman, and when it comes to relationships, I am a child. I just haven't figured out how to bring the same confidence and conviction I have in the boardroom to my romantic relationships

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Anybody else have an experience like this? Where one part of your life feels very adult and confident, and another part seems childlike and unsure? Anyone out there more secure in their intimate relationship than in their other roles? Let's talk about it, ladies!

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You 101: Why You Get Forgetful When Stressed

DearSugar — Thu, 15 Mar 2007 08:31:00 -0700

I hope I'm not alone when it comes to finding myself overstressed, overtired and absurdly forgetful. I've actually hung up the phone and been unable to remember, moments later, who I was talking with or what was discussed. I once found the handset in my refrigerator -- kid you not. I've made lists to help keep it together and promptly been unable to find said lists. This frustrates other people, who presume I'm a little kooky or careless, which I'm not, of course, and I can get pretty frustrated at myself. But guess what? I'm not to blame, an enzyme is.

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Turns out that acute or chronic stress can impair short-term memory. While the riddle isn't entirely solved, it appears that neurons in the hippocampus -- the part of the brain responsible for memories that involve people, places, and events -- are altered by stress.

An enzyme called tissue plasminogen activator, or tPA, might be the cause, according to scientists at Rockefeller University. Interestingly enough, changes caused by tPA in the brain might actually be protecting it from more permanent damage by slowing down our cognitive abilities.

It's hoped this research will begin to shed light on serious stress-related illnesses, like PTSD. For those of us struggling with the daily accumulation of major stress, like caring for a sick child or an elderly parent, a job loss, a death or other emotional crises, there's some good news. The scientists report that these effects are largely "reversible [when] you terminate the stress."

Having this information helps me be more patient with myself, and it's a nice fact to have handy when others ramp up the judgement, too. Oh, and happy Brain Awareness Week, ladies. Betcha didn't know there was such a thing.

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You 101: Why You Remember the Bad Stuff

DearSugar — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 08:30:00 -0800

The “negativity bias” is a well-recognized psychological phenomenon: our brains react to the bad more strongly than to the good.

When our thoughts wander, we'll end up brooding; the negativity bias also means that anxious, angry thoughts or memories grab our attention more consistently than happier or pleasant thoughts.

To find out what this means for your relationships read more

According to research on the negativity bias, it takes a ratio of 5 positives to make up 1 negative in a relationship. Studies show that a marriage is more likely to be stable over time if there are 5 times as much positive feeling and interaction between the spouses as negative experience or feeling.

The negativity bias is why one weird or angry exhange can dog you all day, no matter your partner might have cuddled you later, washed the dishes, and walked the dog: two shy. But seriously, while the research indicates that ratio is an aggregate, over the duration of a relationship and not a single day, it's something to keep in mind when possible; the days turn into years.

The research is very specific about the ratio, too, as there can be both too few and too many positive experiences -- too many may indicate a lack of healthy conflict, openness, and difference. Of course, the negativity bias doesn't pertain only to romantic relationships; there are indications that work relationships, family and friendships may depend on this ratio for their stability and health.

If you'd like to read more research about the negativity bias and marriage, click here.

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You 101: Can You Spot an "Emotionally Unavailable Man"?

DearSugar — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 10:00:00 -0800

Do you keep dating the same kind of guy? He's not too nice and he's not plain bad, but he is very, very confusing? Any part of this list sound familiar?

He’s very reliant on text messages, IM’ing and email for the majority of his contact

They’re ambiguous about the status of the relationship

You’re not sure when you’ll hear from the next, even though you’ve been dating them for a while

You think you’re in a relationship, but it’s closer to a booty call

He says stuff like ‘If only the timing was different, you’d be the perfect girlfriend’;’If only things were different I’d definitely marry you’

When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hear and then returns to his normal behaviour or he just skirts the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.

Click here to read more

Then I recommend you hoof it over to The Mr. Unavailable Guide for more signs and a whole lot more information about why you keep bumping into him. It's a smart and refreshing and witty blog 'for women that want to be available to the right guys' written by a woman that figured it out the hard way.

As ever, let me know what you think of it!

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SuperLove: Chat the Planet

DearSugar — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 06:31:00 -0800

One of the things about this site I value is the effort we make to know each other and support each through sharing our experiences. In very personal ways, we explore how we are similar and how we are different, and a real effort is made to be curious, open, and accepting. We're funny, serious, searching and we're real. We 'talk' and we 'listen', which I believe constitute two crucial means by which we come to know, and accept, ourselves and others.

I found a new website called Chat the Planet that I want to share with you; it brings together young people from all over the world to talk about what it's like to be who they are, where they are.

Click here to read more

It includes remote video conversations between groups of people in the U.S, Cape Town, Baghdad and Jordan. It also provides daily clips of from viewers all over the world, who talk about their daily experiences in the places they live, from Iran, Israel, Australia, Honduras, Iraq, and the US. They talk about politics, music, shoes, peace, and what they're scared of.

I thought you might find the link and the people fascinating, inspiring, and worthwhile. I like the ways this medium can bring us closer, open us to more, and encourage us to think more deeply about what binds us together on this amazing and confounding planet. And we know, from our own experiences and from the research being done in diverse fields, that being and feeling connected makes us happier, healthier, and safer.

As ever, let me know what you think!

SuperLove: An Emotional Ellen Talks about the Oscars

DearSugar — Fri, 02 Mar 2007 12:01:00 -0800

Ellen always inspires me to dream big, to tell the truth and to never believe it's too late. I really wanted to share this with you, ladies, in case you missed it! But definitely go all the way to the end . . . and grab a tissue.

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SuperLove: 400 Words about You!

DearSugar — Thu, 01 Mar 2007 14:30:00 -0800

I had so much fun reading the comments for Title Your Autobiography, I decided to go in search of a few inspirational sites where you could really let loose with your creativity, wit and expressiveness. And here's what I found! 400 Words is both an online and print project, where readers submit their autobiography in under 400 words; you're also invited to write 400-words-or-less about an upcoming theme. Fun. Fun. Fun. And great reading, too!

Click here to read more

I've included a snippet below from an interview with the young lady who started 400 Words: another person, at loose ends around career stuff, who let her quirks and obsessions lead her! The entire interview can be found at this groovy site called 52 Projects. I found the interview under the "Inspiration' category, which was full of fascinating and fun stuff!

What was your inspiration for the project?

Being 22 and 23 a couple years ago and having no idea what direction to point myself in after college. Feeling simultaneously mind-boggled by all the choices supposedly out there, and demoralized by the setbacks: like the way that a 4-year degree didn't protect me from not being able to get a coffee shop job in Portland, OR in the 2002 economic slump. I became keenly interested in other peoples' life stories, like maybe there were answers in there somewhere for me.

If anyone decides to submit an autobiography, please tell me! I'll make an annoucement & link to it!!!

Oh, and 'superLove' is just my geeky way of saying I'm entirely smitten with a site or an idea!!!

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Looking Inside

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 13:30:00 -0800

Denise Mosher had been counseling couples for years when her feelings about her own 18-year marriage began to trouble her. While searching for tools that would help her understand what was happening, she discovered Naikan, a practice of seeing one's self more clearly, which was developed by a Japanese Buddhist.

It involves asking yourself three simple questions everyday, and Mosher's answers turned out to be surprising, deep and powerful.

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This article describes her experience with the questions and the process itself, and I've excerpted a portion here:

Using Naikan, Mosher asked herself three questions about her relationship: What did I receive from this person? What did I give this person? And what troubles did I cause this person? Each day she repeated the exercise, and recorded her answers in a journal.

Naikan’s power lies in the details-the good, the bad, and the ugly truths that make up the mosaic of any relationship. But your focus is on the role you play, your actions and choices, and on what you received from the other person. What you uncover can be surprising.

“People are often in denial about their ability to cause trouble in the world,” says New York psychologist Wylie Goodman, PhD, a traditional therapist who uses Naikan in her practice. Couples who practice Naikan regularly don’t usually have to wait long to experience the positive results, Goodman says. “They quickly start acting differently toward each other,” she explains.

For more information on the practice, you can go to the Todo Institute. There's also a terrific interview with Gregg Krech -- co-founder of the Todo Institute -- in The Sun magazine, though the print is impossibly small! I think it's worth the squinting, however.

There is no simple or easy path from point A to point B, as we humans aren't as tidy as mathematical equations. I'm committed to providing you all with a variety resources, so you can find your own way toward the life and the relationships you find meaningful and manageable. This particular practice I found difficult in ways that made me uncomfortable, proud, and that ultimately led to fundamental shifts I needed to make. Happy diving, ladies.

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Why People Misbehave Online

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 12:30:00 -0800

It's happened to us or it's happened because of us, and it's called "flaming". That's when a person says something in an email to another person that wouldn't be said quite the same way in a face-to-face interaction. Whether the email is angry, surly, embarrassing or lewd, researchers have another name for what makes us do it: "online disinhibition effect".

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Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of the Emotional Intelligence, published an essay in last week's New York Times offering some clues from the field of social neuroscience about why we can't seem to curb our impulses while online. He sites a 2004 study that suggests several factors contribute to 'flaming':

. . . the anonymity of a Web pseudonym; invisibility to others; the time lag between sending an e-mail message and getting feedback; the exaggerated sense of self from being alone; and the lack of any online authority figure. Dr. Suler notes that disinhibition can be either benign - when a shy person feels free to open up online - or toxic, as in flaming.

But the really interesting stuff has to do with the brain. Turns out, we're wired to keep ourselves -- for the most part -- from upsetting other people or throwing a wrench into an interaction. The hitch? Tactful social responses depend to a large extent on the circuitry between the orbitofrontal cortex (empathy center) and the amygdala (emotional center; impulses), and for that circuitry to operate well, we need to read each other's subtle emotional cues; in other words, it's a guidance system that depends on face-to-face interaction, tone of voice, or the gleam in an eye.

Goleman thinks the integration of video might give us and our brains more of the social cues we need to manage our flaming impulses. Let's hope. Do the read the article if you have a second; very interesting stuff, and it's definitely helped me stop and think about these experiences differently, which in turn helps me check my own impulses a bit!

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Working With Feelings of Unworthiness

DearSugar — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 12:30:00 -0800

Many years ago, writer and Buddhist Sharon Salzberg asked the Dalai Lama his thoughts on self-hatred. Despite his long life of study and devotion, he had never encountered this condition and initially found it incomprehensible. Western students of Buddhism, on the other hand, faced a daily struggle with it.

One of my favorite resources for dealing with feelings of unworthiness, shame and perfectionism is a 3-cd set which takes us slowly and gently through the practice of self-acceptance.

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Tara Brach, a respected clinical psychologist and Buddhist meditation teacher, uses tools from both traditions to help us become more compassionate toward the “unforgivable” parts of ourselves. In this interview about busyness and anxiety, Dr. Brach addresses our chronic struggles with unworthiness:

The biggest fear we have is that somewhere, we are failing or are going to fail. You can almost say that our personalities are in a large part a way of compensating for fear. We want to show to the world what would be acceptable and loveable. In doing so, we in some way disconnect from the aliveness and authenticity of who we are.

There's also an audio clip of Tara Brach included with that interview. Her voice is soothing, and I like the pace of the exercises, and the liberating effects of her nonjudgement throughout the 3 hours of instruction and guidance. And, if you click below, you can read some comments from other people about Radical Self-Acceptance: A Buddhist Guide to Freeing Yourself from Shame.

For a sample of how she handles the content, you can read the first chapter by clicking here. I prefer the audio version myself, as there's something about feeling accompanied through this kind of material that I find very comforting. In this first chapter she talks about some obstacles we face when sunk in feelings of unworthiness:

The belief that we are deficient and unworthy makes it difficult to trust that we are truly loved. Many of us live with an undercurrent of depression or hopelessness about ever feeling close to other people. We fear that if they realize we are boring or stupid, selfish or insecure, they'll reject us.

If you'd like to begin working with your feelings of unworthiness, or if you know someone who's struggling with those feelings, this could be a gentle and valuable starting place. It's a theme many of us know intimately. Ladies, if you have other resources you'd like to suggest, I hope you will.

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