TresSugar

Are You a Worrier?

TresSugar — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 11:00:00 -0700

In the latest issue of Vanity Fair, Spanish beauty Penelope Cruz opens up about work and worrying. She says:

I've always been a worrier. Since I was a little girl I've always felt that if I had a moment of peace I'd wonder: Are you sure you can afford to feel like this?

I can totally relate to this sentiment. As I've gotten older I've tried to remember that while a healthy level of anxiety can help me keep my priorities straight, needless worries can sabotage moments of pleasure and peace. What about you?

3 Common Worries in 2008

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 15:00:00 -0800

2008 was a loaded year. We made presidential history and are still suffering through some grim economic times, but when you add that to our everyday stress, it's no wonder so many of us had some serious worries in 2008.

I'm sure the top three stressors of the year won't surprise you, but check them out below - it might be comforting to know you're not alone:

Job security
Health of family and friends
Relationships

If you want to vent any more of your worries from this year, have at it in the comments section below!

Source

What Was Your Biggest Worry in 2008?

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 07:30:00 -0800

Was it just me or did 2008 feel like a very stressful, yet exciting year? Not only did we make presidential history, but our economy unfortunately made history too. Whether it's your bank account, your career, your relationship, your family, or your future, tell me, what was your biggest worry in 2008?

Source

Stop That Thought, Part II: Managing Important Worries

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you worry too much, you're not alone. But it's important to consider what kinds of worries are plaguing you. Some worries are totally unproductive, meaning that thinking about them won't change anything, and I have some tips for banishing those from your brain. But what about things you actually need to worry about, like paying the bills, making travel plans, whatever?

For these concerns, you need to make sure you're worrying at the right time. Fretting about giving a presentation when you're stuck on the train or trying to plan a dinner party when you should be working just makes you more stressed out. You should manage those worries and compartmentalize them so they don't dominate your day. For some coping mechanisms, read more.

Make a list. Who doesn't love making a list? If you find that something is occupying your thoughts, take a moment to make a list of things you need to do later, or write a note to yourself listing the things that are on your mind. Now that you've written the worries down, put the list aside along with your thoughts.
Pick a worry time. This may sound a bit silly, but it works for many people. Pick a specific time in your day - maybe 15 minutes when you get home from work - that is reserved for worrying. You aren't allowed to worry any other time, so use those 15 minutes to sort out what's on your mind and come up with a plan of action.
Accomplish something else. If you're worrying about something you have to do later, you may not be able to take care of it right away, so occupy your mind by doing something else that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Respond to some emails, clean your desk, or get some exercise. Just accomplishing one thing will help you feel better about your worries.

Got any other tips for taming worries? Share them below!

Source

Stop That Thought, Part I: Taming Unproductive Worries

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

We all worry from time to time, but worrying is often totally unproductive. We have to sweat a lot of details and dilemmas in life, but getting stressed about things when you can't actually do anything about them isn't very helpful.

For instance, worrying about your upcoming dentist appointment won't make your filling hurt any less. Similarly, when you're at work, thinking about all the things you need to do when you get home will just stress you out. If you need a little help taming your worries, why not try a technique called "thought stopping"? The method can help you dismiss unproductive worries all together and save the important ones for another time.

For a few tips on pushing unproductive thoughts out of your mind, read more.

Some worries have a purpose - say, planning a dinner party or remembering to pay your bills. But other worries, like anxiety over a dentist visit, aren't doing you any favors. So why not push them out of your mind entirely? Try these tips and see what works for you.

Count to 10. When an unproductive worry enters your head, count to 10 and tell yourself you'll stop thinking about it when you're done counting. In your mind, shout "stop!" when you hit 10.
Go somewhere else. In your mind, that is. Pick a place that makes you happy - maybe curled up in bed or somewhere on your last vacation - and imagine yourself there every time a nasty thought plagues you.
Replace the unhealthy with something healthy. Instead of dwelling on something that's only going to stress you out, replace your worry with a healthy thought. Remind yourself about something you're happy about or thankful for.

What about the things you really need to worry about? Stay tuned for my tips on saving the important worries for another time. Meanwhile, share your tips below.

Source

Handle This: He's Out Almost All Night

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Since your boyfriend is heading out for a night with a buddy, you decide to take advantage of having your shared apartment to yourself, assuming he won’t be home until 2 a.m. But when you wake up at a half past three and there’s still no sign of him, you’re concerned and call his cell phone. When he doesn't answer, you start to become a mix of worried and annoyed.

He rolls in just after four, and you’re still awake waiting for him. When you confront him about staying out so late, he starts getting defensive, and claims he shouldn’t have a “curfew.” His response just made you more angry, so how would you handle this?

Source

The How-To Lounge: Coping With a Panic Attack

DearSugar — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Earlier this week I brought up anxiety disorders and noted their major symptoms. One of the most life-altering one on the list is panic attacks, which many of you deal with or have in the past. A panic attack can be a terrible ordeal and is not just limited to people with anxiety disorders. Once you've had one, it's likely you'll forever dread another, but it’s better to learn how to cope with them than fear another attack. To see my tips, just read more.

Try to stop it before it even starts. If you feel your stress level flare and your heart start to work overtime, take five or ten minutes to clear your head.
Remind yourself that you are safe. Your mind is playing a trick on your body by convincing it that there’s something to be fearful of, so you have to talk your body out of it.
Realize that it will pass. A panic attack has the tendency to feel unending, but in reality, they usually last only a few minutes. No matter how scared you might feel, don't let yourself forget that those feelings will soon disappear.
One of the most distinct sensations a panic attack causes is a sudden loss of control. As this sensation washes over you, ground yourself by reaching out and touching the things around you. It sounds strange but using the sensations of touch can help bring you out of your head.
Fear of embarrassing yourself in an episode can often make one worse, so if you’re in a public situation, remove yourself. Go somewhere quiet where you can catch your breath without worry of being noticed. That said don’t be afraid to tell someone what’s going on with you. Sometimes being around another person can be a comfort.
Finally, focus on your breathing. Panicked breathing typically takes place in the chest, so move it to your stomach. Place your hand on your stomach and consciously take deep breaths in until your belly is extended. Exhale slowly and repeat.

Panic attacks are terrifying but the more you learn to get through them, the easier they will be to manage.

Source

You Asked: I'm Tired of Being Afraid

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A while back my ex-boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere. I thought we were heading in a good direction and that we were finally getting to know each other. (In fact, less than a week before that happened we had spent our first romantic weekend together.) At the end of one date night on the way back to my place he told me that while he loved hanging out with me and that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had he just doesn't feel "it." While I respected that he told me that instead of leading me on, I was still very hurt.

Now I've started a new relationship after licking my wounds for a little while, but I've discovered that my ex has changed me. I now have this sudden fear of abandonment and I am afraid that my current boyfriend will do the same thing. I've never experienced these kind of fears before. My boyfriend is a great guy, and assures me that he isn't going anywhere; he knows what happened before. But I can't shake this feeling, and I'm afraid that it will ruin my relationship. Every time my boyfriend doesn't return my call immediately a small voice inside my head tells me that maybe it's happening again. I know it's irrational but what can I do? Please help!

- Nervous Natalie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Nervous Natalie,

It's important for you to recognize that there are no guarantees in love or life; what happened to you before could happen to you again. But that's a possibility that you have absolutely no control over, and worrying about it won't make a difference. In fact, as you mentioned, worrying about it can put an unnecessary strain on your relationship. But, of course, it's much easier to tell yourself this than to convince yourself that it's true.

If you make the decision to let go of your fears, they'll naturally fade away, so don't hold on to them because you think they'll protect you from having this happen again; they won't. They'll only make you feel sad and scared. Luckily, acknowledging that your fears are irrational is a great step in the process. Now you just have to believe it. Whenever these concerns enter your mind, start squashing them by putting them in perspective. The fact is that even if your worst-case scenario took place, you'd make it through. It might be hard and painful, but in the end, you'd be OK.

I'm glad that you've opened up to your new boyfriend. Definitely keep those lines of communication open, but make sure that you avoid projecting your fears on to him, which could lead to resentment and extra stress. It's going to take some time, but if you can keep reminding yourself that there's no point in worrying, they will eventually disappear for good.

Source

You Asked: He Doesn't Have Boundaries

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of three years supervises around 25 women. About eight months ago, we were out of town and he received a text message, which I picked up since he wasn't around. It was a very sexual joke from one of his employees, whom I already have issues with since she's constantly telling my boyfriend how she wants to leave her husband, which I find totally inappropriate.

I didn't say anything, but I checked his phone bills later and found that for the past year, he's been texting her 20 to 30 times a month! I confronted him and he assured me that they were all work related - even though some were in the middle of the night. I knew he was lying so I kept pressing him and went so far as to tell him that I had requested the transcripts from our provider. He went nuts, but admitted they were sexual jokes and comments. I was devastated. She's married; he's her supervisor and he was deleting them from his phone so that I wouldn't see them.

I told him to stop or I was leaving him. He told her that she could only contact him via cell if it were work related - there are office and lab phones and he has voicemail so there's no need to use the cell at all. She stopped contact for eight months, until finally she started up again. My boyfriend won't say anything else to her; she is very manipulative. I'm concerned they're going to fall back into the same pattern. We've talked about getting married, but honestly I don't think I want to continue with this man if he won't put up boundaries that make me feel safe. Am I wrong to feel this way?

- In Need of Boundaries Beth

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear In Need of Boundaries Beth,

Your boyfriend has been exchanging sexual innuendos with a married employee, so I think it's quite normal to feel uncomfortable by the situation. Although it's easy to mark this other woman as manipulative, keep in mind that your boyfriend is a grown man, and perfectly capable of putting an end to these texts. Needless to say, there are some deep trust issues in your relationship, and until your boyfriend can acknowledge your concerns, I doubt that they can be fixed.

Don't let him make you think that your concerns are irrational; you have every right to feel the way that you do. But likewise, don't allow yourself to continue your paranoid snooping. If you feel yourself wanting to check his phone bills again then, to me, that's a signal that your relationship isn't healthy. Since you know that you can't maintain a relationship without appropriate boundaries, then if this continues, I think you know what you need to do.

Source

Handle This: You're Not Sure What Your Status Is

DearSugar — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

You have some serious feelings that are only continuing to grow for a man you’ve been on a few dates with. But every time things seem to heat up, he backs off. He's an amazing guy, and you really want things to work out, but you’re afraid he may not be feeling the same thing you are and it seems too early to bring up status issues.

When he calls to ask you out after he hasn't contacted you for two weeks, you’ve hit your limit. You could say something or just walk away, so how would you handle this?

Source