TresSugar

You Asked: Am I Expecting Too Much Too Soon?

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 13:01:57 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now. We got together while I was still with my previous partner, something that I'm not proud of, but everyone involved has come to terms with it and we've all moved on. I was
with my ex for five years, and marriage was always top of mind for me, but I realized we were not meant to be. Now that I'm with my new boyfriend, I still have those nagging feelings. I am so in love with him and I really feel that we are perfect for each other, however he's had a failed engagement, so he's naturally scared about making a mistake again.

I understand his need to be cautious, but I want more assurance that I'm not going to have to wait another five years to get married. When I try to talk to him about it, we don't get far - he just says that he eventually wants to get married, but he never gives me a straight answer on timing. Am I expecting too much too soon? I just want to know that I'm not going to be waiting forever and that he's not going to be too scared because of his past experience. Help! - Jumping the Gun Gina

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Dear Jumping the Gun Gina,

Getting engaged is a funny thing; once you have your mind set on it, it's hard to let it go, but putting too much pressure on your boyfriend could end up backfiring on you if he's simply not ready. While I understand your need to get reassurance in your relationship, asking for a set time might be asking for too much. I'm hearing you when you say you don't want to wait again, but as hard as it might be, you must separate your past relationship from this one - just as you want him to do.

If I were you I'd have a calm heart to heart with your boyfriend about your future - get the answers you need to feel secure in the relationship, but if you're not ready to give him an ultimatum, I suggest you go easy on the wedding talk. When the time is right, it'll happen for you, so in the meantime, try to enjoy the relationship you have now.

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A Do or a Don't: Ultimatums

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Giving an ultimatum is supposed to be a last-ditch effort in trying to change a particular situation. Most of the time this approach is only used in the most desperate times. However, even as a last resort, ultimatums can be very problematic. Not only can they completely backfire on the person giving it, but they also put the receiver in a very defensive position.

Needless to say, sometimes they don't work out as planned. If you’ve ever given an ultimatum, how did it turn out? If you haven’t, would you? Or do you think it can cause more problems than it’s worth?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: He's Thinking About Living With Two Women, But He Won't Live With Me!

DearSugar — Sat, 03 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of one year currently lives in a three bedroom apartment with two of his guy friends. He's lived there for five years and absolutely loves the place. He's comfortable there, he doesn't have to pay much rent, and it's in an amazing area of the city. Both of his roommates are moving to another state and he has one month to either move out of the apartment, or find two new roommates. I currently live in the same city (about a 15-minute walk from his place) in a beautiful, roomy one-bedroom apartment. He was really stressed when he first found out he was losing his roommates (and possibly his place), so I brought up the idea of him moving in with me. I completely understand that he may not be ready to take this next step, but he said he'd think about it.

In the meantime, he put an ad on Craigslist looking for two new roommates. He's set up a bunch of appointments with different people to come over and see the place and as it turns out, one of these "appointments" is with two college girls, and he's 30! When he first started the roommate search, I asked him about the possibility of living with women and he made it very clear that the only woman he'd live with would be me, yet now he's entertaining the idea of living with not one, but two girls! This is obviously really upsetting to me and I'm completely NOT okay with the thought of him living with two random college girls. Am I being irrational? Why would he want to live with them over me? He's not the type of guy who would do well with an ultimatum or a jealous tantrum, but this is simply something I am not willing to compromise on. I feel like he should have jumped on the opportunity to live with me! Please give me some advice before it's too late!

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Where Do You Stand: Withholding Sex to Get What You Want

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 13:00:38 -0700

Let's say your man smokes cigarettes and you want him to quit. You've tried talking to him about it, but nothing changes. So you throw him an ultimatum: No sex until he quits. Of course, that proves that you mean business, but is it right to withhold sex to get what you want?

How about you? Have you ever kept your pants on until your partner agreed to something or did something for you? Has anyone ever refused to give you sex because they wanted something? Is this an innocent little ploy or unacceptably immature?

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Dear Poll: Has an Ultimatum Ever Backfired?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:00:00 -0700

According to a previous poll, 51 percent of you said you'd never give a marriage ultimatum, but 31 percent of you said you would. The thing with ultimatums is, you have to be willing to put it all on the line and accept the outcome if the other person doesn't oblige. Sure, a lot of times they light a fire under someone, but other times, they send people running. Playing hardball is often worth the risk, but what I want to know is, have you ever given an ultimatum and had it backfire?

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Dear Poll: Would You Give a Marriage Ultimatum?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 16:00:00 -0800

Ultimatums, they can either destroy a relationship or give the man a much needed push in the right direction. We've all heard the saying, s**t or get off the pot, but sometimes, when you're in the relationship, it's easy to get a little too comfortable and fear taking the next step.

I know two couples whose engagement came to be because of an ultimatum, and on the flip side, I know other couples who have been together for years and years with no engagement in sight because one refuses to put the other on the spot. I hope I never have to give one, but ladies, tell me, would you give your boyfriend an ultimatum if you were ready to take your relationship to the next level?

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You Asked: Is It Ultimatum Time?

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 16:30:00 -0700

DearSugar --

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and living together for 2 1/2 years. Every time I talk about marriage with him he blows me off. I have a 7 year old daughter and she realizes that we are living together and we are not married. I want to be a good example and role model for my daughter, and lately I've haven't been feeling like one. Should I give my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either man up and marry me or I'm moving out. ~ Fed-Up Phoebe

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Dear Fed-Up Phoebe --

I'm really sorry your boyfriend blows you off when you attempt to discuss marriage. Something in that feels really disrespectful and unkind. The first thing I'd recommend is a real heart-to-heart, during which he knows in no uncertain terms that you love him, remain committed to him, and expect to be married to him by [pick a date]. Tell him he has six more months to decide whether he needs more time or is ready to be your husband. That will make a grand total of 8 years together, so I'm feeling alright suggesting some kind of time limit for these deliberations.

Suggest he make two lists for himself, one that includes the reasons why you two should get married and one that includes the reasons why not. Come to think of it, Phoebe, I'd sure like it if you made those lists, too. Now, you need to get yourself prepared for a scenario that might not be altogether rosy. By the spunk in your note, I'm thinking you can swing it. Start setting money aside now. Get organized. If you he needs more time come 6 months, I'd suggest one of you move out. Discuss whether or not you'll date. The point here is that you both need to shift the dynamic and the comfort level, and to create a situation that encourages new priorities, new consequence, and new decision-making.

I don't know if this qualifies as an ultimatum or not. But if your partner won't discuss his fears, reservations or concerns about marriage with you -- and if he won't be available for your needs and concerns -- then it's important to act for yourself and act in alignment with your values, your needs, and your expectations. But think about this very clearly and carefully, Phoebe. It will lead to a crossroads. Good luck, and know that we'll be wishing you the best.

Ladies . . . Anyone been through this? Know someone who has? Think there's a better way to negotiate this, when someone won't negotiate? Please share.

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Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Gave Me an Ultimatum

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

A while ago I had an affair with a married man. He and I cut it off and are now very good friends. I lean on him for a lot. I am currently in a relationship of almost two years, and I love my boyfriend very much - we started dating after I ended the affair. I never mentioned the history I have with my friend to my current boyfriend, and he only knows that our friendship has been a good one. But recently my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum: my friend or our relationship. I chose my relationship. My boyfriend suspected there was more to my friend than meets the eye and he wanted him gone. He made me show him IM and email correspondence my friend and I had written to each other and now he wants me to dissolve our friendship entirely.

Before this he had been hurt because my friend had helped me out in a big way, and because we spoke on the phone nearly every day. He also has a problem with the fact that my friend is married and may have other motives. I don't dispute that, but when he asked me to cut things off there was nothing going on. I do not intend to give up my friend. How do I handle this without jeopardizing my current relationship and losing my friend too? Boyfriends come and go, but friends last forever. I don't want to dump my friend and then lose my boyfriend later. What should I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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School Tells Girl: Wear a Dress or Skip Graduation

TresSugar — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 11:05:00 -0700

Chelsea Sarvis is a stellar high school senior about to graduate from Chapin High School in South Carolina. Despite her achievements, she might have to sit out the graduation ceremony. See, Chapin High School requires female graduates to wear a dress or skirt to the ceremony, while the boys must wear dress pants - but Chelsea wants to wear pants. The school has given her an ultimatum: wear a dress or stay home.

Chelsea says she dislikes wearing dresses because she doesn't feel comfortable with her body, and she wonders: "Why is it a stereotype that a girl has to wear a dress?"

What if Chelsea said she only felt comfortable in jeans? Would the school be obliged to let her wear them? Perhaps there's something about a dress that makes the school's dress code seem more like a sexist policy that pushes traditional gender roles.

The school could easily avoid drama if it just made an exception for Chelsea or modified its dress code to allow girls to wear dress pants if they want. Do you think it should?

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Ask a Wise Guy: How Do I Get His Ex Out of the Picture?

TresSugar — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a person who likes to think of himself as a wise guy will offer some common sense advice. You can submit questions here.
Today's Question:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. Things have been going very well, except for something he can't seem to let go of. Two years ago he and an ex broke up, and ever since he and I started dating she continues to devote attention to him. It never appears to be romantic, but she's always offering to do him favors, asking him to play with her dog, texting/calling/Facebooking. As far as I know, he doesn't respond all that much.

But that's the problem. By not responding, he has not made it clear that there is no room for her in his life now. So the other day I told him that if he wanted to move forward and have a future with me, he needed to make it clear to her that the past is in the past.

He agreed, but now I'm playing a waiting game. I don't want to nag and ask him when he is planning on having this conversation, but I also want to know when it takes place. She has continued to contact him and he continues not to act.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm fighting a losing battle. Could there be a deeper reason he's dragging his feet, or is he just being passive aggressive? Am I crossing a line by putting pressure on him? Or should I be drawing a line, and saying enough is enough?

Signed,

Sick of the Ex. To hear what a wise guy has to say, read more

Dear Sick-of-the-Ex,

Wow, this is a tricky one -in fact, navigating exes is a complicated (but necessary) dance in any relationship. I’m also a little confused about what your boyfriend wants. If he really isn’t responding to her “all that much,” then it seems like the message is pretty clear that he’s not interested in spending time with her - and so the whole situation shouldn’t be a threat to you (and you should back off). On the other hand, if he does sometimes call/text/play with her dog, then it seems that he still wants her to be part of his life, in which case there needs to be a lot more clarity between you and him about what’s OK and what’s not.

Here’s where it gets tricky: if you prefer that he have no contact with the ex, and he wishes to maintain a friendship with her, then one or both of you will have to compromise what you want.

Reading between the lines of your letter, I’m sensing that you don’t feel as secure as you should in the relationship. If you’re feeling threatened by a few phone calls and text messages, then I think there’s something deeper going on here that needs to be addressed head on. I think you should have a heartfelt conversation with him explaining why you’re not happy with the situation (rather than telling him what to do), and then figure out together how to deal with the ex. This seems like a better way to handle the situation than “putting pressure” on him, and giving him ultimatums about your future together. If he really cares for you and respects your feelings, then I’m hopeful that you can come to a solution that works for everyone.

And if that doesn’t work, you should go her house and duke it out Jerry Springer style. Guys like it when chicks fight over them.

All the best,

A Wise Guy

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