TresSugar

Dear Poll: Are You the Bad Girl or the Good Girl?

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 13:00:00 -0700

In so many movies and TV shows (and male fantasies!), there is often a struggle between the girl next door who's smart and innocent and the bad girl who's brave, sexy, and independent. (Think: Lauren Conrad and Kristin Cavallari from Laguna Beach, respectively.) Though I don't see these characters actually battle it out in the real world, I do think there's a little truth to these conventional identities, and some women fit better into one category than the other.

While being the good girl is appealing, truth be told, I think I might be more of the bad girl at heart. It's a total generalization, but are you more of the opinionated bad girl or the thoughtful good girl?

Source

Handle This: He Drops a Bomb on the First Date

DearSugar — Fri, 30 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

When a very attractive guy asks you out to dinner, you happily agree. He’s right on time to pick you up, brings you flowers, and opens the car door for you. He certainly seems chivalrous, and the conversation is absolutely wonderful too.

But before your appetizer has even arrived, he’s launched into a story about how he’s currently involved in a sexual harassment case in which he’s the defendant. He tries to play the whole thing off, but his admission and the circumstances of the suit (involving an underage intern) have you feeling pretty uncomfortable. He won’t stop talking about it, and he appears to be awaiting your response, so how would you handle this?

Source

Do Tell: Do You Look For Ways to Rock the Boat?

DearSugar — Tue, 20 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

It seems that no matter how good things are in our relationships, women commonly find a way to stir up trouble. Whether it's premeditated or not, we've been known to create unnecessary bumps in the road, but why can't we just be content with what we've got? Is it just not in our nature, or is it for the makeup sex? Although not all women do this, I unfortunately do! So ladies do tell: Do you also rock the boat when things are actually going well in your life just because? And if so, what do you typically do?

Source

Group Therapy: To Stay or Not to Stay?

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 14:00:00 -0800

I am 25, and my boyfriend is 23. We have been dating for almost four years now. We met in college and we have been together since the day we met. Things used to be great, but lately I'm questioning everything. On paper, he is everything that I could possibly want: good looking, smart, funny, rich, he would do anything for me, and the list goes on and on. We have a lot of the same interests and get along very well, but I feel like we have become just really good friends. I find myself seeking out new relationships often - I have never crossed the line in any way and I honestly don't think he has either. For example, this past Saturday night I went out with one of my friends (and purposely didn't invite my boyfriend) in the hopes that my latest crush would be at the local bar that we go to all of the time. I am so confused, and I am scared to let my boyfriend go because he is everything that I want, yet there is no spark there. Am I doing something wrong? Am I selfish for feeling this way? Should I just walk away or try to get the sparks flying again?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Source

Make Him Stop Flirting!

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 10:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, but there is just one thing that drives me insane! He flirts constantly with other women, right in front of me too. I'll admit, it's harmless flirting, but nonetheless, it bothers me that he has the nerve to do it right in front of me. I've talked to him before about it, and he says I have nothing to worry about, that he means nothing by it and I believe him, but it still hurts my feelings. Perhaps it's just that I'm a very emotionally needy person and I like all of his affection centered on me.

It hurts my feelings, and I've told him this, but he has continued to do it repeatedly. I think he just thinks I'm being silly, how can I get it through his head I want him to stop, because it hurts my feelings?

Or am I really being silly?

Dear Poll: If You Had to Be a Hollywood Trainwreck

DearSugar — Wed, 21 Feb 2007 09:00:00 -0800

Hollywood wouldn’t be what it is today without celebrity trainwrecks. Since the motion picture industry started, there have always been personal disasters and demons. From Marilyn Monroe to Howard Hughes, River Phoenix to Winona Ryder, the specter of drugs, gambling, affairs, murder, and mental illness has been public and painful. And how many of us haven't made a series of bad choices, or gone through a period of spectacularly difficult consequences due to our weaknesses, ignorance or plain, old-fashioned inexperience?

If you had to be a very public trainwreck for a little while, if your only choices weren't good ones, which celebrity would it be?

Source

Hump Day: How Can I Become Multi-Orgasmic?

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I keep hearing about women who can have 'multiple orgasms' and I can't figure out exactly what this means. Does it mean a woman who can have more than one orgasm in a night? One orgasm after another with little downtime? (Is that even possible? Most women are so sensitive after having an orgasm!) Anyway, if it exists, is there a way I can become multi-orgasmic?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

Part of the challenge in defining “multiple orgasms” is that different people use the term to mean different things. For some women, it means more than one orgasm during a single sex session, whether they’re 5 minutes or 30 minutes (or more) apart. For other women, it means one after another, without much time between them.

You’re right that many women are extra sensitive after an orgasm, but not everyone. In fact, some women find that they can just keep going, especially if they change what they’re doing. For example, someone might find that she can have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then switch to penetration for a second one. Or maybe she might have one orgasm from oral sex, take a break for a bit with something else to keep the passion up, and then go back to oral sex for a second orgasm. And there are women out there who don’t need a break after one orgasm before they start building towards a second one.

Not all women can become multi-orgasmic, but many women can. Some women find that their ability to be multi-orgasmic can change over time, too. So if it doesn’t happen for you now, don’t stress about it. You may find that in a few years, something changes and suddenly, it falls into place.

One really great place to look for more info on how to do it is Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. He approaches sex from the Taoist tradition, which works with sexuality as a form of energy that we can learn to channel, harness, and expand. If you’re familiar with energetic practices such as yoga, this perspective might be familiar. He has a book for men and one for male/female couples, too.

Another place you could look for information about this is Tantra. While most people only know about Tantra as a laundry list of sex positions from the Kama Sutra, there’s actually a lot more to it than that. Tantra is a set of practices that teach you to work with your sexual energy and it can help you expand your ability to experience pleasure, deepen intimacy, and have multiple orgasms. There are some good books like Urban Tantra and Tantric Sex for Women, as well as some DVDs.

In my experience, the best way to learn about Tantra is through experiential workshops because these are techniques that are much easier to understand when someone is demonstrating them. Most Tantra classes are fully-clothed and many are designed for people to come solo, while others are for couples. You can find out more about Tantra or look for workshop teachers on www.tantra.com.

One thing that I do want to be clear on: not everyone can become multi-orgasmic. If it doesn’t happen for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve seen a lot of people become very goal-oriented about it and they often end up sabotaging themselves because they’re not actually enjoying the sex that they’re having. So I encourage you to try it out and see what works for you, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Stranger than Fiction: School Used Lap Dance Therapy

TresSugar — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:00:00 -0800

When you think of activities to help the emotional growth of teens with behavior troubles or special learning needs, lap dances would probably be the last thing you'd think of.

But that's exactly what the staff at Mount Bachelor Academy came up with, and they forced students to undergo lap dance therapy as a part of their "emotional growth" curriculum. The boarding school was shutdown after students accused the staff of employing this dubious therapy, and a seven-month state investigation has just confirmed the allegations.

According to the report, the school's "Lifesteps" seminars made students take on sexualized roles and perform in front of staff and students. One girl, who had been raped before going to the school, was forced to dress as a French maid and perform a lap dance. (Who thought this was a good idea?!)

Oregon's Department of Human Services says the school poses "a serious danger to child safety." Whenever I hear these horror stories about reform schools, I wonder: did anyone ever check to see if the people allowed to run them for so long needed some reform themselves?

Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

Hump Day: Where's My G-Spot?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"I have decent enough sex with my boyfriend, but I don't always have an orgasm. I've heard that if my G-spot is stimulated, not only will I have a better chance of having an orgasm, but that it will be more intense. Is this true? Where is the G-spot?"

To hear Dr. Glickman's answer, read more.

Let’s start with a little anatomy.

The G-spot is a relatively small patch of tissue that you can find by inserting a finger into the vagina and curving towards the belly button (upwards if you’re on your back). Many women report that the G-spot is much easier to find if they’re already turned on because it engorges with blood. In fact, some women and their partners find that the G-spot can go from impossible to find to quite prominent during arousal. So start off with something that definitely works for you and then try adding G-spot explorations.

The G-spot surrounds the urethra and some folks find that stimulating it can feel sort of like needing to go to the bathroom. You may find it helpful to go to the bathroom before starting out so that you’ll know that your bladder is empty. Also, some women have discovered that G-spot play can result in female ejaculation. While scientists disagree about female ejaculation, we do know that it’s not urine and is chemically similar to men’s prostatic fluid. This makes sense, since the G-spot and the prostate are quite similar. If you’re concerned about it, put a towel down first so you can relax and enjoy the ride.

As far as whether G-spot play will rock your world or not, I can’t make any promises. Some women adore it and would never choose to have sex without it. Others find it uncomfortable or say that it just doesn’t do anything for them. As always when it comes to sex, your mileage may vary so don’t get stressed out if it doesn’t do much for you.

OK, so how do you actually do G-spot play? First, it may be easier if your boyfriend is the one wielding the fingers. It can be a bit awkward to try to reach it yourself. Some popular techniques include the “come-here” motion, making circles, tapping, stroking, or the “windshield wiper” movement. It may also be more fun if he’s pleasuring your clitoris at the same time, perhaps with his other hand or his mouth. Or you could use a hand or a vibrator on your clit.

If you want to use a toy for the G-spot, try something with a curve or a prominent head since those shapes makes it easier to hit the spot. Here are a few popular ones. Or you might enjoy one of the ”Rabbit” style vibrators.

For more detailed information about the G-spot, I’m a big fan of the DVD The Expert Guide to the G-Spot as well as the book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot.

If you’re looking for ways to increase your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse, you might find that some G-spot fun as a warm-up improves your odds. Even if G-spot play doesn’t result in an orgasm for you, if it increases your pleasure and arousal, that will probably make it easier to have an orgasm when doing something else. Or you could have a G-spot orgasm before having intercourse, if that works better for you. You could also see if using a vibrator or your fingers on your clitoris during sex does the trick. After all, 70 percent of women report that they need some clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, so you’d be in good company.