TresSugar

Little Things to Make You Smile

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

I always know I'm in a good mood or feeling happy if I catch myself sporting a big goofy grin just going about my day-to-day business. All it takes is a simple moment or a kind word to perk me up and get me grinning. However, sometimes, and I don't think I'm alone on this, a smile is a lot harder to come by than it should be. In an attempt to make every day smile worthy, I've put together a list of little things that always leave me with a happy feeling. Check them out and add your own!

Getting a random hug from someone you love.
A latte executed just how you like it.
Rain on your roof at night.
And a sunny morning the next day.
Scarves, purses, and new shoes!
A phone call from an old friend.
Green lights all the way home.
Receiving an actual card in the mail.
Getting dressed in the morning and realizing it's going to be a "skinny" day.

To see the rest of my list read more.

Finding $20 in your pocket.
Seeing pudgy baby legs poking out of a stroller.
Coming home to a clean house.
A work day that flies by.
Licking the frosting off a cupcake.
Free parking.
Seeing an elderly couple holding hands.
Puppies and kittens.

What little thing puts a spring in your step?

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Ask a Librarian: Tomboy Has Never Been on a Date

TresSugar — Mon, 25 May 2009 09:59:08 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a librarian will offer some common sense advice. You can submit questions here.
Today's Question:
After turning 23 a few weeks ago, I started to wonder what was holding me back from finding Mr. Right. It's not that I haven't been on a date for a few weeks, or that I just keep dating a string of loser guys, it's that I have never been on a date. I didn't even have dates to high school dances. I've never even been told I was pretty/cute by a guy so that may have something to do with it. At a time in life where the majority of my friends are in relationships and are getting engaged/married, I'm all alone.

I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I am too shy to find a guy to like me, or if once I get over my shyness that my tomboyish nature forces me into the "friend zone" all of the time. (I was an only child raised by her father who treated me like a son.)

I've been told that I'm funny and smart, but I think my love of sporting events and rock concerts, knowledge of cars, and love of all things nerdy scares guys away. Do you have any advice for me so I can stop being seen as the sisterly type, and start being seen as dateable? I'd really like to find a nice guy soon. Thanks a lot for your help.

- Undateable Tomboy

To read a librarian's advice, read more.

Dear Undateable Tomboy,

The Oxford English Dictionary defines “tomboy” as “a girl who behaves like a spirited or boisterous boy.” You are 23, and it’s time to start acting like a woman, not a girl. Don’t worry right now about meeting Mr. Right; you just want to meet some misters. People have told you that you are smart and funny, but guys can’t get to know the real you because they don’t see you as date material.

Let’s talk about your outward appearance, which is what attracts a man in the first place. The first thing you should do is find a good stylist and get a great haircut. Sounds superficial? Sorry, just do it. A haircut that suits you can do more than anything to improve your appearance. Next go to the makeup counter in a department store, do a mini-makeover, and buy some products. I’m talking at least a modicum of eye makeup and some lip gloss. Accent your best facial features.

Look at your wardrobe. Anything that appears oversized, place it in the back of your closet for one month. Go to the store and buy some items that are slightly trendy, and get shoes to go with the clothes. If you don’t have a clue, ask the sales people to help you; it’s fun for them. By the way, I am a feminist who does not buy into the “beauty myth,” but consider this an experiment. (Do you want a date or not?) There is strength in looking your best, and it will give you the confidence boost that you need more than anything else. And smile, a friendly welcoming smile. That is the most attractive thing you can put on your face.

Be up front and tell your friends you are ready to meet some men. Be persistent, remind them - and, that goes for your male friends. Ask them if they know anybody to fix you up with. It might even put the idea into the head of one of your old buddies to ask you out. What about you suggesting a casual movie date to a new acquaintance, someone you meet at a party or work?

You like sports. Join a coed softball, volleyball, or kickball team. There is a lot of camaraderie on these teams, more men than women, and they tend to socialize after the games or on the weekends. Please do not wear baggy sweats.

And no more excuses about how an interest in cars and sports scares away guys. In reality, many men would love to share their interests with their girlfriends. That would definitely be a value added that you would bring to the relationship.

You sound like a very lovely young woman who does not deserve to be lonely. You will find someone who will be thrilled to have you in his life and in his arms. The challenge is to have men notice you, so that they can get to know the real you. As a librarian, I can attest that people do judge a book by its cover. I remind you that you are very young, and have plenty of time. So while you are waiting for your dating life to kick in, go to the library, check out a copy of Emma or Something Blue, make a cup of tea, and curl up on the couch.

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Would You Ever Work as a Wingwoman?

TresSugar — Thu, 21 May 2009 10:30:00 -0700

We've all heard of wingmen, dudes who agree to talk to the friend of a woman who another dude is interested in. The wingman, for that night anyway, is supposed to be selfless, keeping the other friend occupied so his male friend can swoop in and get his girl.

Taken from military lingo to describe planes that flank fighter planes during serious missions (because, you know, getting the girl is a really serious military mission), I didn't realize you could ask a woman to do the same thing - until I read about an ad on Craigslist (where else?) procuring the services of a wingwoman for $30 an hour. To check out excerpts from the ad, read more.

"We have an opening for a part-time personal introduction assistant, aka a 'wingwoman.'

You must be classy and dress well.

Beyond that you must be able to do 4 things: 1) start conversations with beautiful women; 2) after that, remain totally silent, unless spoken directly to, but smile and look friendly while the man you are 'winging' orchestrates the social situation; 3) socialize and block any man or woman attempting to interfere with the man you are winging and any woman he is chatting with; and 4) end any conversation you are having instantly at the direction of the man you are winging. These requirements are essential, not for everyone, and difficult to do well. . .

This job is not for you if you are uptight, frumpy, grumpy, shy, a man-hater, a debbie downer, a critic, a control freak, a pouter, a therapist, researching, writing an article, with the press, a prostitute, an escort, a relationship counselor, or a feminist with a bone to pick. . ."

Being a debbie downer feminist with a bone to pick, I think I'd suck at being a wingwoman! But mostly, I would have to stifle my laughter. (Hey, that makes me not uptight, right?) Anyway, in doing research for this, I found so many weird "learn how to be a playa" websites that actually teach men how to pick up women. (I think it's these organizations that hire wingwomen.) Would you do it? Do you think it'd be fun?

Source and Source

Is Laughing During Sex Normal?

DearSugar — Wed, 04 Mar 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Sex is supposed to be fun and exciting. Not only does it allow an emotional release, it's also a way to relieve stress and share love with another person. The way you express yourself sexually and the way you react to the sensations that arise during intimacy is a very personal thing. It's normal to smile, moan, or scream "yes, yes, yes," but what about laughing? To find out read more.

Not everyone is serious in the sack, and giggling is completely normal - laughing is just as common as any other emotional reaction. It may be a sign of nervousness, a reaction to being tickled, or a response to something funny happening (like the condom flying across the room when the guy tries to put it on).

But just because laughing during sex happens sometimes, that doesn't mean everyone is OK with it. So if your partner's laughter makes you feel uncomfortable, insecure, or self-conscious, talk to them about it ASAP. As always, open communication is the key to good sex, and if you're close enough to get naked, you should be close enough to talk about what happens when you do.

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Ask a Bad Boy: How Much Should I Spend on My Significant Other?

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Steve Santagati, of BadBoysFinishFirst.com and author of the best-selling book The Manual, answers your burning questions when it comes to dating, love, and how men think. He's a veteran at giving street-smart, straight-to-the-point advice, so ladies, tell me, what do you want to ask Steve about men? This is your chance to get answers so don't hold back! Submit your questions here.

Since Christmas is here, Steve has some advice when it comes to holiday shopping for your significant other. Check out what he has to say below:

It's here, Christmas. After Christmas it will be his/her birthday or any number of "events" that require us to contemplate; "How much do I spend?" You don't want to seem cheap, but you don't want to make someone feel uncomfortable with your extravagance - like they will be expected to be equally generous. You want to show them you care - at least a little, but you want to be smart with your money, especially now. So here's your simple rule of thumb, broken down by economic status.

To see Steve's tips, read more

If you're broke, spend $10 for every month you've been monogamously dating, or cook them something wonderful.
If you're sort of middle of the road (they killed the middle class but you get my point) you can jack that to $15-$20 for each month you've been dating.
If you're rich, then you can spend what ever you want. However, don't go crazy with the cash because it can make someone feel really uncomfortable (you know, like you think the relationship is further along than it really is). However, if you buy him/her a car and they don't flinch, you might have a gold digger on your hands.
If you're married or have been in a long relationship, have a solid discussion on a dollar figure you can both live with.

The most important thing a person can do is to buy their lover something that shows you've been listening and shows you understand what they like. It doesn't have to be expensive. In the end, we all want to think someone adores us and is paying attention. Guys really need to get a grip on this because most are clueless as to what to get their woman. It would help if they started paying attention the day they met you because that information will prove invaluable later on.

Now, here's my personal philosophy. I don't feel pressured to buy anyone anything just because Hallmark is slapping me in the face while I'm drinking a Budweiser and trying to get through A Charlie Brown Christmas special. What I do is simple; all year long I'm open to buying something for friends or paramours, regardless of the date. If I'm in a music store and I see an album I know she'll like, I get it. If I'm getting my oil changed and I see a gift certificate, I get it for her. I try to think of things that will make someone's life easier or bring a smile to her face.

Steve will be back next Monday to offer up some New Year's Eve advice so be sure not to miss it!

Check out his Bad Girls Finish First tee shirts and, for individual attention, visit Steve at BadBoysFinishFirst.com or email him at askstevesantagati@gmail.com

Dad in Chief Obama Writes Open Letter to His Daughters

CitizenSugar — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 11:00:05 -0800

A letter from Barack Obama to his daughters Malia and Sasha will run in this weekend's issue of Parade. In the letter, the president-elect explains why he took his family on their journey to the White House, and what he wants for his daughters, and every child in America.

Obama writes:

When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me - about how I'd make my way in the world, become successful, and get the things I want. But then the two of you came into my world with all your curiosity and mischief and those smiles that never fail to fill my heart and light up my day. . . . I soon found that the greatest joy in my life was the joy I saw in yours. And I realized that my own life wouldn't count for much unless I was able to ensure that you had every opportunity for happiness and fulfillment in yours. In the end, girls, that's why I ran for president: because of what I want for you and for every child in this nation.

I want all our children to go to schools worthy of their potential - schools that challenge them, inspire them, and instill in them a sense of wonder about the world around them. I want them to have the chance to go to college - even if their parents aren't rich. And I want them to get good jobs: jobs that pay well and give them benefits like health care, jobs that let them spend time with their own kids and retire with dignity.

The soon-to-be first father, goes on to touch on tough subjects like race, war, and every citizen's obligation to America. Do you think Obama's love for his daughters will make him a better president?

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Friends of Harvey Milk Talk Gay Marriage

LibertySugar — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 13:31:18 -0800

In 1978 Harvey Milk, the first openly gay person elected to major office in the US, led the fight against Proposition 6. The California ballot measure would have banned gay teachers, including those already teaching, from public schools. Milk's organization against Prop. 6 is featured in the upcoming movie MILK, staring Sean Penn. A group of close friends, including Cleve Jones and Anne Kronenberg, surrounded Milk in his quest to preserve the human rights of gay Americans. I recently got the chance to meet longtime civil rights activists Cleve and Anne and ask them what they make of today's gay rights movement.

How does Proposition 6 compare with today's Proposition 8 to outlaw gay marriage?

Anne: Proposition 6 was (about) a basic fundamental right of gay men and women being allowed to teach in our schools. It was based on a morality that gays would be recruiting the kids and trying to turn them over into homosexuals, which is so bizarre. I think the same right-wing, Christian, born-again (groups) certainly play a big role in Prop. 8 currently. But (now) we're talking about an equality issue. . . . If you think in 30 years the difference (between) the paranoia of "I have a teacher and they're going to make me a dyke," to now we're talking about marriage - I think Harvey is smiling that we are even there.

To find out if Cleve thinks Proposition 8 will be defeated tomorrow as well as what he makes of today's gay activists, read more.

Cleve: I think we're going to win, but I don't feel the level of fear that I felt then. I feel that history's on our side, that we are moving in the right direction. And that if we do lose it will be a setback and I will be angry and disappointed, but I won't feel the same gut-level fear that we felt then. If Prop. 6 passed, we were going down a slippery slope right to fascism. I mean, that was outrageous - how would they determine who was homosexual? How would they test us? And it also included language for those who advocated for homosexuals. There was much more . . . real fear in the pit of your stomach and of the violence that could be unleashed. . . . It's very different now. We are winning and winning and winning. If we lose this one, it will be a minor and temporary setback.

Do you think today's gay youth have the same passion?

Cleve: I often say to younger people, "you know things are only new once, and I'm sorry you missed it" (laughs). But I think you can look at all the economic changes in San Francisco. It was much easier to live in the city then, it was much cheaper. Artists, students, young people could live on very little money. . . . But things are only new once. And all of us that were participating in the movement were keenly aware that we were participating in something that had never been seen. . . . It was just an amazing time. And everything was brand new: the first marching band, the first gay synagogue, the first gay film festival, all of the institutions and structures we now take for granted.

Photo courtesy of Focus Films

You Asked: How Can I Know if He's Cheating?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and two months. He's a wonderful man, but I've been noticing some strange things that lead me to believe that he might be cheating on me. For example, he doesn't want me to see his phone, and before he used to have a picture of me on his phone wallpaper, but suddenly he has a picture of himself instead.

Just yesterday we were at the beach having a great time when he decided to check his voicemail. I was close enough that I could hear the messages, which were clearly left by another woman - he just smiled while he listened. I have no problem with him having female friends, but what was particularly off-putting was that when he was done listening, he said, "It was the guys." I've known my boyfriend long enough to have built a wall of trust between us, but all these little things lead me to think that maybe he might be cheating. He says he loves me very much, but I'm starting to doubt him. Does this mean that he is cheating on me or will be soon?

- Doubting Darla

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Doubting Darla,

I wish I could tell you with certainty whether or not your boyfriend is cheating on you, but obviously I can't. I will say, however, that if you've been dating for over two years and you're suddenly feeling uncomfortable about certain things, don't ignore your instincts. Regardless of whether or not he's engaging in any kind of intimate relationship outside of your own, there's something about his behavior that's making you feel insecure. And sudden insecurity in an otherwise healthy relationship is definitely a red flag.

Ask your boyfriend what's going on; you don't have to accuse him of cheating, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell him that for the first time in your relationship, you're doubting his honesty. Once you confront him, your boyfriend can handle it one of four ways: he can offer a completely reasonable explanation; he can tell you that you're imagining things; he can get defensive; or he can admit to doing something behind your back. Unfortunately, aside from the last, none of these offer a 100 percent guarantee of truth, but I do think you can use his reaction to get a better sense of things. In the end, my best recommendation is to follow your instincts; usually there's a reason they're trying to tell you something.

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Should I Have an Affair?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’m married to a man who works 14 hours a day. When he finally gets home he doesn’t talk to me, doesn’t ask how our 7-year-old son is, he only grunts, gets a bottle of water out of the fridge, sits down in front of his computer and does more work. He hasn’t thrown a baseball with our son once! When he’s home he’s either in front of his computer in his den or watching golf on TV. He’s so closed off and self-involved that when I suggest we actually play nine holes of golf together, he says his back hurts. He pays more attention to our Labrador than to me and his son.

We don’t eat dinner together (he usually eats with “important” clients), we don’t sleep together (he sleeps in the den), we haven’t gone to a movie or a restaurant in a year, and have not had sex in three years.

On the other hand, he’s a great provider and my life is rather pleasant. I have closets full of clothes, a new car, a personal trainer, and my son is going to the best country day school in the county. But my husband does not talk to me. Every day I try to be cheerful, upbeat, try to suggest fun “dates,” interest him in the neighborhood gossip, but nothing. I cook great meals, invite people over - he leaves our guests and goes and sits at his computer!

I knew my husband was a loner when I married him, I also knew our sex life was not the hottest thing going - but what do I do with no sex and no social life? Recently I met a very nice man at the dog groomer’s and we’ve been meeting for coffee. I love our deep conversation - I’m starting to feel human again! He makes me feel appreciated and like I have something to contribute to the world. I’m writing because a couple of days ago he kissed me and my world exploded. I’ve never wanted anything or anybody like I want this man. But I also don’t want to divorce my husband. What do I do? Nobody’s even listened to me in years, let alone kissed me! - Feeling Like New

To see E. Jean's answer read more

Feeling, My Poor Flamtag,

Nine out of 10 people on DearSugar will disagree with me, but here’s my advice: Have an affair. It will give joy to your life, pleasure to your body, and spirit to your mind. You must, of course, inform your husband first, by walking into his den, turning off his computer and saying: “Darling, I’ve noticed we’ve not slept together since 2005. I’d like a good boffing. Are you up for it?”

When he replies that his “back hurts,” or gibbers some other excuse, smile and say: “I’m sorry to hear that, sweetheart. I hope you feel better. But I can’t be expected to go the rest of my life without one of the greatest pleasures known to womankind.”

When he grunts and asks what that is, reply: “Well, darling, I’m going to put on my prettiest dress, run away to meet the handsomest man, and when I arrive, I’m going to grab him and suck . . . down every word that comes out of his mouth. I’m going to hold . . . a conversation. We’ll exchange ideas, learn more about the world, and perhaps even laugh. Afterwards, of course, I’ll probably hump the daylights out of him.” And with that, leave the room, call your friend, and make a date.

This is not a threat. This is your life. You must create it!

Many DearSugars will advise you to end your marriage and then have the affair - and, indeed, this is an excellent suggestion. You will get more money in a divorce if you stay inside your prison. But I’m going to pay you the compliment of actually believing you possess the mental strength and moral vigor to rebel against a conventional code, stay married, tell your husband you’re going to have an affair, and then make your own happiness by taking what you want. Because if you are not free to love whom you love - what is your worth as a human being?

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle Magazine and AskEJean.com.

The How-To Lounge: Flirting

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Some of us are natural born flirts, but the rest of us have to work at this particular skill set. Luckily, when it comes to flirting, a little can go a long way. If you're one of those girls still searching for your mojo, check out my rules of thumb and read more.

Eye contact is undeniably important in the art of flirting, and it conveys far more information than your witty banter will. Plus, if you look at him, then you’ll know whether he’s looking at you.
Don’t try to be someone you’re not. Like I told Low Confidence Lila, there’s nothing wrong with being shy, but if you are, learn how to use it to your advantage. All it takes is a couple of demure smiles and you’ve turned shy into coy with almost no effort.
The power of touch should not be dismissed. By laying your hand on a guy’s wrist or reaching out and touching his shoulder, you’re letting him know that you feel comfortable around him.
We all know that in the world of dating, looks do matter, but what most people fail to remember is that so does personality. You can’t just make eyes at him, you have to back up your flirty bravado with some real talk. Trust me, if you actually listen to what he says, it won’t be difficult to make conversation.
Don’t be afraid to leave him wanting more. Once you’ve connected with him, you don’t have to stay stuck on him all night. In fact, go ahead and cruise the field. Once you’ve grabbed him, he’ll be hooked and your distance will keep things mysterious.

As you get more acclimated in this particular art, you’ll find that certain things work for you and other’s don’t, so go with your gut!

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