TresSugar

Some Adult Children Divorce Their Toxic Parents

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. This fact of life means that many of us put up with people we might not otherwise get along with.

Yesterday's New York Times examined what happens when certain family members, namely parents, cross the line from imperfect to completely intolerable. Critical, demanding, non-accepting, or verbally abusive parents sometimes prove too toxic to tolerate, leading adults to "divorce" the people who brought them into the world.

While many mental health professionals typically emphasize salvaging relationships, Dr. Richard A. Friedman wrote in the Times column that in certain circumstances, it might be healthier to end the relationship altogether. Dr. Friedman compares cutting off contact with a parent to cutting off a limb in order to save the adult child's life. Painful, but sometimes necessary.

What is the best way to handle toxic parents? Would you avoid them, cut them out completely, or try your best to deal with them?

Have You Ever Gone to Therapy With a Significant Other?

DearSugar — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 09:58:52 -0700

I suggest therapy all the time on DearSugar for those in need of a listening ear, and therapy was brought up yet again on last night's episode of The Hills. Clearly Heidi and Spencer have some things to work out if they want to make their relationship work, and it's probably no surprise to you that I think couples counseling would do wonders for them! Taking that step and admitting you need help isn't easy but I'm curious to know if any of you have actually done it before. Whether your dating or married, tell me, have you ever gone to therapy with your significant other?

Photo courtesy of MTV

Could You Get Rich Playing Therapist to Your Friends?

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 14:39:21 -0700

The Hills returned last night with many heart-to-heart talks - some of them surprising, others predictable. In the second episode of the new season, Stephanie and her brother Spencer have it out over how he treats Heidi. In the clip below, Stephanie points out that he's not exactly treating Heidi well and claims, "If I was a therapist, I'd be a millionaire with how many conversations I have with Heidi."

I can definitely identify with that one; some of my friends would owe me serious cash if I started charging for my services, but I don't mind. How about you: Do you have a friend whose therapy needs could make you millions?

Sex Surrogates?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:00:00 -0700

I've heard of a surrogate mother before but a sex surrogate? Now that's something new. Therapists prescribe sex surrogates to clients seeking help for sex and intimacy issues. Sex therapy can help rape victims, people with severe depression or social anxiety, or those with sex fetishes. Sessions often don't involve intercourse, but rather include other ways of being intimate such as talking, holding hands, or massage in an effort to figure out how to solve the person's issues. For many clients, this type of hands-on therapy is the only kind that works.

Sex surrogacy was huge in the '70s, but understandably got a bad reputation because it was, and still is, regarded as prostitution or adultery. Sex surrogates know how beneficial this type of therapy is though, and they're campaigning for its return - they want it to be seen as a professional and respected healing therapy.

What's your opinion about sex surrogates? Are they just glorified prostitutes, or do you think there's validity to this type of sex therapy?

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Dear Poll: Are You Embarrassed About Being in Therapy?

DearSugar — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 15:00:00 -0700

I'm a huge advocate of therapy. If it wasn't so expensive, I'd suggest it for everyone. Having an unbiased mediator to vent your frustrations to really helps relieve some of the burden we all shoulder, yet some people shy away from talking about it. Yes, therapy automatically makes people think you're troubled or depressed, but happy people see therapists too; and there's nothing wrong with talking to someone about your feelings!

So ladies, if you are currently, or have ever been in therapy, tell me, were you embarrassed about it?

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You Asked: I'm Insensitive and Want to Change

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I grew up with a verbally abusive mother. She swore, screamed, and said nasty things when she was upset, and she still doesn't understand the impact that her cruel words had on my feelings. As an adult, I'm learning to accept her for who she is but unfortunately, I've also become conscious of the fact that I've inherited her out-of-control mouth; and I don't like it. I've been called "harsh" and "blunt" since I was a preteen, but only now have I realized that those terms are just euphemisms for "mean"! I've begun to catch myself making mean jokes at others' expense, swearing like a sailor, making judgments, and being rude in social situations. The worst part is that I can only seem to catch myself five seconds after the horrible words escape my mouth. I have many friends and a loving boyfriend, but I'm afraid I will drive them all away with my insensitive and harsh words. I'm a good person and I want to change, but I'm not sure I can. Is it too late? - Potty Mouth Patsy

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Potty Mouth Patsy,

Your concerns are valid and I'm glad you're willing to change your ways - admitting your wrongdoings is the first step. It sounds like you have a classic case of not thinking before speaking, but it's not too late, Patsy. First off, try to process your words before saying them out loud and see if that changes anything; I bet it will. Since re-training yourself might take a while, be sure to acknowledge your mean statements and apologize if you fear you've hurt someone's feelings. We all say stupid things every now and then, but it's important to take action and make amends if necessary.

Since you've been clearly hurt by your mother's behavior, you should consider talking to a therapist to work out how her actions affected you and why you're repeating history. You can change this behavior in yourself if you set your mind to it so be patient with yourself and use that fear of being abandoned by your loved ones as motivation. Good luck.

You Asked: I'm Plagued With Thoughts of My Abusive Ex

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

About two years ago I broke up with a boyfriend who I had been with for three years. Throughout our relationship, he lied to me numerous times about drinking and drugs, as well as his actions with other women. He would vow to change each time but never did. He also made me feel guilty and accused me of not loving him anytime I wanted to do something that didn't involve him - be it a family function or a night out with the girls. I never had the strength to break up with him because I was sure we loved each other. I alienated myself from all my friends and he became my everything. Towards the end of our relationship, I felt trapped and incredibly unhappy. I finally mustered up the courage to break up with him but convincing myself that I deserved better was a very painful process - I slowly realized that I was in an abusive relationship.

I've made a few new friends but haven't dated since. I've recently, for some reason, started thinking about my ex again. The logical part of me knows he treated me terribly, and I thought I had made my peace with the whole ordeal, but I'm plagued with thoughts of him. I really just want to move on with my life and maybe one day have a healthy relationship, but I just don't know how to do that. Do you have any advice for me? - Hurting Heather

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Hurting Heather,

Abuse does not belong in any relationship so I'm glad to hear that you've ended things with your ex. With that said, it sounds like you became pretty dependent on each other so it's no surprise that you're still holding onto feelings for him. When any relationship ends, good or bad, it takes time to move on. Keep reminding yourself that you do deserve better, and I also suggest you speak to a therapist - she could help you work through your feelings and thoughts about the abuse you endured, and help you make progress in the moving-on phase.

Having a healthy relationship is possible, Heather, but you'll have to let go of the past before you can work on your future. Lean on your friends and family for support and remember that with time, all wounds heal. Good luck to you.

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Before a Breakup, Try Relationship Boot Camp

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0800

It's normal for couples to disagree and fight from time to time. We argue about huge things like money, and little things like which TV show to watch. Sometimes if a couple isn't getting along, a little intervention may be necessary. You're probably familiar with couples counseling, but have you ever heard of relationship boot camp? It could be seen as the last shot to mending a broken connection or as relationship maintenance, like bringing your car in for its 30,000-mile tune-up.

Relationship boot camp workshops are cropping up all over since divorce rates are skyrocketing. Relationship specialist Terry Real thinks this is because people never learned the skills needed to connect to another person. In his three-day relationship boot camp workshop, he teaches the basics like how to communicate clearly and honestly, how to listen, how to deal with conflicts, and how to argue respectfully. Relationship miracles don't come cheap, though; be prepared to spend $1,500 a couple.

Is this something you'd be willing to try?

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You Asked: I Have an Irrational Fear of Getting Pregnant

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have a rather strange irrational fear. Even though I am on hormonal birth control, use condoms, and never miss a period, I continually fear that I'll somehow magically get pregnant. This fear is quite literally taking over my life, not to mention ruining my otherwise wonderful sex life with my fiancé. I desire sex with him daily, but my fear of getting pregnant is so salient that I either make an excuse to avoid it, or just fall asleep while he is making a pass at me - we end up only have sex twice a week. I have been this way ever since he and I began having sex seven years ago.

My fear comes and goes with varying degrees, but it seems that it is worse during times of high stress. Every twitch, every headache, and every gurgle in my stomach is interpreted to me as a pregnancy sign. I feel like I am so alone. I know that I'm being ridiculous, but I cannot get it out of my mind. I am almost willing to go as far as sterilization to ease this anxiety. Do you have any advice? - Freaking Out Fionna

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Freaking Out Fionna,

I'm glad to hear you call this an irrational fear because that's precisely what it is. Sure, there's always a chance you could get pregnant while using the precautionary measures you're using, but that is a very unlikely possibility, especially since you're doubling up on protection. Before you let this affect your relationship anymore than it already has, talk to your fiancé about what's going on - opening up to him will most likely make you feel less alone.

Since stress seems to aggravate your trepidation, do whatever you can to squash your fear whenever your worries surface. Put things into perspective and remember what the statics say about hormonal birth control and condoms. If you can't get control over this fear on your own, I suggest you consult your gyno or see a therapist so you can talk through your anxiety about getting pregnant with a professional. This is clearly taking over your life so it's imperative to nip it in the bud as soon as you can. Good luck.

Source

Group Therapy: How Do I Change?

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I have been on and off with my current boyfriend for almost three years now. With the drama and fights we've been through, I'm surprised we're still together. I know the majority of it is my doing and I accept that. I am completely jealous - every guy I've been with has cheated on me numerous times. I know that's no excuse, but I always overreact when a girl texts, calls, or comments on my boyfriend's Facebook. I used to never be like this. I keep promising him I will change, but it always happens again. Even if he hooked up with a girl while we were broken up, I still get extremely upset and freak out.

I have a hard time letting the past go. Sometimes I just pick fights for no good reason at all. He has been there for me through thick and thin. I just find it so hard to put all of my trust in someone, because every time I do, I get let down. How do I work on my trust issues? How do I learn to trust him as well as others? He understands people cannot just change overnight, but I know one person can only take so much. He wants me to prove myself to him, and for us to stay friends until I change. I realize I have a lot of growing up and changing to do, but I have no idea where to start.

Both my parents have betrayed me many times and walked out on me in times of need. I am well aware that the way I was brought up affects who I am today, but I don't want to use that excuse anymore. I have done some counseling, but not much. I want to change, but I just need direction. I would really love some advice. I am at my wit's end and willing to do anything I can to get better.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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