TresSugar

Ask the "Honest Boss"

GiggleSugar — Mon, 27 Nov 2006 00:02:00 -0800

For most people, going to work involves reporting to a higher authority affectionately known as the "boss." Our bosses tell us what to do and we do what they say. Whether bosses are nice or yikes!...they govern with ground rules we aren't privy to. Have you ever wondered how your boss really feels about his or her "open door" policy, or what he or she really thinks about that time you fell ill to food poisoning (or a killer hangover) and had to call in sick? Well, wait no longer for your chance to interview an honest boss. Just follow the link and select a topic for discussion. Caution: you may not like what this boss has to say, but-- what's new?

Ask an Older Woman: Help! My Friend's With a Married Man

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's question: One of my good friends has been seeing a married man for about a year. He also just happens to be her boss. When we get together, she bombards me with the details of their relationship. He tells her he's never been happier, and that he'll leave his wife for her soon (yeah, we've heard that one before!) and she seems to believe him. My problem with this whole thing is that not only am I sick of listening to her, and of course could tell her so, but I've lost respect for her. Is it wrong to break up with a friend who's doing things I find morally reprehensible? Is there anything I can do to get through to her that what she is doing is horrible for her, not to mention this man's wife?

Signed, Confused Friend.

To hear what an older woman has to say, read more
Dear Confused Friend,

Ahh, the folly of youth. For every bad relationship I bored my friends with, I in turn listened to details about men (or women) they were with who didn't deserve them. It's part of being a friend.

My best advice to you is to be honest with your friend. You don't mention if you've told her how you feel, or if you did, how she reacted. If you haven't, now is the time to start. Tell her you care about her, but you think that contributing to cheating is morally messed up, and that in the end she's probably just going to get hurt. (I guess "the other woman" sometimes ends up with the guy, but who wants to end up with a cheater?) Also, sleeping with your married boss? Pretty dumb. Do other people in her office know? This is not good for her professional life either. I'd tell her that, too, although it's hard to imagine an adult who doesn't know this.

If you really like this friend and this is the only thing she's done that makes you question her character, ride it out and hope she comes to her senses. There's only so much advice we can give people. If you've told her how you feel and she continues with this affair, that's her decision. If she steers you toward this topic when you hang out, just let her know you don't feel comfortable listening to it anymore.

Sometimes, though, if friends do sketchy things, those acts are a window into the rest of their sketchy selves. I had a friend who not only cheated on her husband once, but throughout their marriage, and I began to notice that her behavior towards him mirrored her behavior towards me and everyone else. She was selfish, narcissistic and unable to ever admit fault. We'd had fun partying together when we were younger, but as we grew older, I realized I needed to respect my friends. After a blowout fight when she said horrible things to me, I took it as my cue to get out, and I dumped her.

You're in a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. If you can't be honest with her, maybe you aren't really great friends to begin with, in which case slowly turning down her invitations to hang out and discuss him should send her a message. Good luck!

Career advice needed - Is being nice a bad thing? It used to be the reason for my success, and now it's keeping me from it?

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 20:07:10 -0800

About 8 years ago, I cocktail waitressed at a nightclub, and made AWESOME money doing so. I was also 19 yrs. old. After 1 1/2yrs. of working there, and having no health benefits, I decided it was time to get a job that offered more.

I got a job working in an office, which also paid well, and had excellent benefits. I started in customer service, then got into sales, and eventually became the office manager. While my job was stressful, I was GOOD at it. And the customers made it all worth the hard work. I fell in love with the customers. Everyone there loved me. I really would go the extra mile for people, and was always honest and sincere. I was at the top of my "career", I guess you could say, mostly due to my customer service skills.

After working at the office for about 7 years, my husband and I ended up having to move due to his job relocation. It was time for me to find a new job. Originally I had wanted to go for the casino host position at the casino, since I figured I LOVED working with people, so this job would be perfect for me. And I know how to handle stress, so that wasn't even a worry. And I am GREAT at dealing with people, even in difficult situations. So many friends and family tell me I just "have a way" with people.

Instead of applying for the casino host position, like I should have, I took a lower paying job at the casino first, but in the same department, to learn the system, figuring in time I could move up to casino host and then that way I'd already know half of my job duties. I thought this was a GOOD idea.

It didn't work. While the customers loved me at the casino, the corporate "big wigs" thought I was "too nice". I stayed in this position for about 9 months. When I first got the job, I told my boss the only reason I was taking this job was so I could learn the system so I could be a better casino host. She KNEW I was there to become a casino host. And she was ok with that, as she also ran all the casino hosts.

It was time for me to go for it. My boss informed me she'd let me shadow an actual casino host. That never happened. We were always too busy. I was doing great at this job, it was a piece of cake...brainless, really. I learned the system quickly. I wanted more though, I wanted a challenge. I wanted to become a host!!! My boss literally informed me that I'm "just too nice, so we need to work at that first, before anything".

It put me in tears that day. I KNOW I could do this job. I could probably even run circles around the others...but for some reason, my kindness kept me from advancing. I was really upset. How could something, like BEING NICE, be a BAD thing?!?! Something that put me at the TOP of the ladder at my old job, was now pulling me down to the bottom at my new job.

I know if I would have just gone for the casino host position in the first place, they wouldn't be able to judge me, and I'd land it just fine. But I made the wrong decision...thinking it was the better thing to do first. To get experience.

Anyhow, I can't change who I am. I AM nice. I love people, I'm honest, sincere, hardworking, and far from fake. And customers appreciate it. SO many of the customers at the casino even filled out comment cards, LITERALLY saying how they should make me the new casino host!!! SO many cards were recieved. My boss even showed me. But it just didn't matter...because, "I'm too nice". I ended up quitting that job...after 9 months. My husband hurt himself and was off work, so I had to take care of him. But now it's time for me to go back to work.

I can't get the phrase "too nice" out of my head though. I used to have SO much confidence in myself, and now I shutter at the idea of going somewhere new, in fear I will again, waste my time and be told "I'm too nice" when it's time to advance.

I have SO many dreams...I KNOW I can do it, deep inside, because I have a passion for working with people, but now I have such low confidence from what my old boss told me. It's terrible.

Please help...I'm seriously thinking of just going back to waitressing...which was my first love. But I'm 28 now. And while I'm not bad shape, I have gained more weight since being off work taking care of my husband, and don't have the "body" like I used to, back in my old cocktailing days. So I don't fit into the "skinny cocktail waitress" group at all the clubs these days...lol. Not that I care, but in that industry, "sex sells". But I don't fit into those tight little clothes anymore...lol.

However, at least waitressing I wouldn't have to deal with the corporate politics and their crappy view of what "good enough" is. I refuse to be anything else but who I am. But is being who I am a bad thing? Nice? Is nice really so bad? I KNOW I can be something special...but it's almost too easy to just go waitress again. Afterall, it's good money, and I get benefits through my husband's job. I'm so lost. Please, any advice, would be great! Sorry so long!

You Asked: How Do I Tell her I Quit?

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Jun 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

The short of the situation is that I work for a friend's very small photography company. It consists of her, three additional photographers, and me. They take the pictures, and I do the rest. Without me, the business does not run. In many ways, it is the dream job - I get paid well for what I do, the hours are mostly flexible, the atmosphere is very casual, and I am also able to bring my infant son to work with me, rather than put him in daycare, since I work from her home.

However, this season has turned out to be far more stressful than I'd imagined. Taking my son to work is very convenient as far as avoiding daycare, but trying to do what needs to be done business-wise and taking care of him is like trying to write the next great American novel and run a nuclear reactor at the same time. They are two completely different full-time jobs.

Additionally, he's five months old and only getting more mobile and aware. It's simply not fair to him to take a nap, watch TV, or sit in his bouncy chair and watch me work. And, that's really all that he can do here, especially since I am occupied with work. It's also not fair to my boss to pay me for hours of less productive work when I'm stopping in the middle of a good stride to feed the little one.

All that said, daycare is not an option. My boyfriend would prefer that I stay at home, but I have issues with independence and my own income/contribution. However, I'm working myself past all of that, and now I'm struggling with how to tell my boss that I am quitting. I would, of course, never leave her hanging or without help, and I would stick around until she finds a good replacement who can take the reigns. I'm just not sure how she is going to handle the news, and I wonder how our friendship is going to be affected by my leaving. She neither has nor wants children, so I am not sure she can understand where I am coming from as a mother who wants more/better time with her growing child.

I am totally lost with how to approach it and what to say. --- Ready to Leave Libby

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Ready to Leave Libby--

You sound extremely dedicated and I am sure your boss would be very flattered if she knew how concerned you were for the well being of the company and your friendship, but as a new mother, you need to do what you feel is best for you and your family. Many women struggle with juggling family life and their career, so you should not feel the least bit guilty for leaving your job -- as you know, sometimes you just can't do it all.

Since your boss is also a friend of yours, be honest with her. Let her know how you have been struggling with your decision to leave and how you feel like you are not able to give 100% of yourself to your craft or to your baby which made you realize you had to choose one or the other, at least for the time being. Even though she doesn't have children of her own, I am certain she will be supportive of your decision. Tell her exactly what you told me - that you will not leave her in the lurch - and hopefully you can work together to find a suitable replacement.

Feeling guilty isn't going to make the situation any better, so have faith that she will understand. If your friend doesn't understand your rationale, I hate to say it but you might want to reconsider your friendship with her altogether. I wish you luck Libby.

Source

My Boss' Neediness Is Driving Me Nuts

DearSugar — Wed, 13 Sep 2006 11:08:09 -0700

Dear Sugar
My boss is a very nice man, but he's also very "type A" and intense about work. It is not uncommon for me to arrive at work and find several e-mails from him that he sent at two o'clock in the morning. Lately, he's developed the annoying habit of calling me outside of work hours; late at night, weekends and even once during my vacation!

I never pick up when I see his name on my cell phone caller ID, but sometimes he leaves messages, usually with questions that he should already know the answer to - like where I saved a client document. My answer is always the same; You can find the client document on the shared server, in the client folder (exactly where it should be).

Half the time, he doesn't even leave a message. To me that is almost worse because then I am left to wonder what it could be. If it's not important enough to leave a message about, then why call me three times on a Sunday?

He loves his job, but to be honest, I am in it for the (small) paycheck. I have enough of a work ethic to give it my all for the 40 hours a week I'm in my office, but I don't care deeply enough about my job to make it my life like he has. Is there a tactful way to ask my boss to stop calling me outside of work?

I don't want to seem like I'm not dedicated to my job (although that is the case), but I need my freedom when I'm not at work. What should I do? Beck And Call Becky

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Beck And Call Becky
You are not wrong for feeling this way. Needy bosses are super draining. I know the type; you spend half your work day actually working and the other half coddling and cow-towing around them. It's like having a child to take care of at the office. After a long day of it, they are the the last people you want to hear from when you finally leave.

You definitely need to do something about it or else your boss's neediness will become your demise. Once you leave your office, you are entitled to be "off duty," unless of course it was a prerequisite in your job description.

He sounds like he just needs attention and security. There is something to be said about managing your boss in a gentle and tactful manner. Try making a habit of talking to him before you leave for the day (especially before you leave for the weekend).

Walk into his office and let him know that you will be leaving in an hour but before you left you wanted to be sure he didn't have any loose ends or questions that needed attention because you have plans later and won't be available to be reached. Emphasize how you wouldn't want to leave him stranded.

If you repeat this everyday, you'll see some changes. By not making yourself available to him, he'll get used to not having you there to torture at his beck and call.

Come Story Telling with me!!! The Completed Story

DearSugar — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 11:41:40 -0700

I hope you all enjoyed this new feature as much as I did! Your wild imaginations made for a great story line! To read the completed tale you all helped create, read more

"You're late again, Amanda. I have had it....How do you expect to keep your job here if you can't even come to work on time? What's your excuse now?" My boss was so irritated I could see the steam billowing out of his ears.

"I forgot my cell phone at home and I'd only realized after I got on the train. I'm sorry," I replied, lying through my teeth. I'd slept in again. I couldn't help that all I won't say you don't but I'm honestly just tired of hearing non-stop excuses. Your tears will not sway me this time. I mean it, you're gone." Jake turned away as if to dismiss me, but I stayed there, shocked, glued to my seat. What was I going to do? I was left with no choice but to pack up my personal items from my cubicle and go to HR for my exit interview. As I began to do this, my coworker Jennifer stopped by to see how last night had went. I said "Forget about last night, I just got fired." She was as shocked as I was. Within 10 minutes the office was abuzz about my firing. Between the time I gathered my items and got to Human Resources, my mind was already racing. I didn't care about the gossip, and the interview was the last of my worries. Jake's going to tell my mother, oh God... not my mother.

They had been dating for almost a year, and now he found it easier than ever to chastise me as if I was his own child. He's wrong in that though; I'm not his daughter, and I'm not a child. Damn Jake. I completed my exit interview, got in my car and forgot about stupid Jake, when my cell rang. It was my mother. "Darling?" she asked, "Is that you?" as if anyone else would answer my cell phone. "In the flesh" I say, as I merge onto the freeway. "Sweetie. is everything alright? I'm hearing disturbing tales about your work ethic." Oh how to answer. Disturbing was a word I reserved for things like May September romance between my boss and my mother, having a half sibling 24 years younger than me and phone calls where the caller pretends to know nothing about the events they are about to inquire about. "Mom. I've decided to liquidate some of my assets" I wonder if she'll get the jest of this, understand that it means her gravy train is about to come to an end when my call waiting beeps. "Mom, I've got someone on the other line, I have to go, I'll talk to you later," I say quickly before she has time to respond and click over. It's Rita, my best friend and self-professed mystic.

"Hey Rita," I said, trying to keep the mental exhaustion out of my voice "Oh my Gawd! What's wrong I dreamt you were pregnant," Rita replies anxiously. I'm sure she hopes I am so her predictions can finally be validated.

"I just got fired and I'm hungover," I whined. "Come over, have some coffee and food and I'll read your cards." "Coffee yes, food no, cards puh-lease," I said as I made my way to Rita's house and thought to myself.. damn.. I wish I hooked up last night - at least my firing would've been worth it! Then I think "Did I hook up with someone?" Suddenly I was lost. I had just "accidentally" hung up on my mother and lost a job. Did I just have a one-night stand last night that I could remember? I was lost in thought and suddenly I slammed my brakes before I hit the car in front of me. I made it safe to Rita's house however.

I knocked on Rita's screen door and she answered it in her usual Bohemian attire wearing a flowing purple paisley dress that billowed around her in the breeze. "Oh, you poor thing!" she said, enveloping me in a warm, earth-mother hug and the smell of patchouli. "Just come in and relax, and tell me all about it."
I followed her into the living room, and as she went into the kitchen to get me a cup of coffee, I sank wearily down onto her sofa. Suddenly, as I settled in among the pile of hand-crocheted cushions on the sofa, an image popped into my head from the previous night Flashes: a curly haired stranger, being led into a red convertible, coffee, sex. Yes, I indeed did get laid last night, and apparently the guy ran out on me in the morning. I wasn't sure whether I should be glad I broke my dry spell, or whether I should feel guilty, or whether I should be mad some guy dashed on me before I woke up.

Rita walked into the room with my coffee and looked down at me serenely. "You shouldn't be mad he dashed, Amanda. You woke up at 11 AM. He had to leave for work at 9." Rita had read my mind. Well damn... was he at least cute??" I asked disappointed. "more importantly.. did I get off???" "I think it's time you started to think about your priorities dear friend," Rita said, "what are you going to do now that you've lost your job?" I sat there staring at the opposite wall. It had escaped my mind. The first thought that hit me was that I'll just end up running to my mother to get me a new job.

Rita had her arms crossed and looked down on me with a disapproving face. She shook her head. "Why don't you just pursue your dream job?" she asked. I looked at her. "Do you think I can just get up and be a fashion designer? That's not exactly an easy career to get into. Plus, it's not like I know anyone who can help me out, and that's basically the only way I can get a job with a resume like mine." I was exasperated. This day felt like it was spiraling out of control, and the incense was giving me a migraine. She smiled at me and said "well think about it honey but I have an appointment with the cookey landlord, apparently she thinks spirits are following her...ugh." We mutually hugged and I headed out.

As I walked downstairs and out the building I took a second to look at my surroundings. My cute little convertible parked in front of me, the trees blowing in the summer breeze, I looked down at my feet to be reminded that I did have great taste in my Jimmy Choos. What was I thinking? I haven't got it that bad! That job wasn't me in any way! With a new outlook on life, I hopped in my car, top down, music blaring and headed to JoAnne Crafts. I'd heard somewhere that they sold sewing materials there. I didn't even know how to use one, but I knew if I hadn't one, I would never get anything done.

The store was huge and I felt overwhelmed. I decided to ask an associate for assistance and I felt nervous for the first time in a long while. I stuttered "I'm...looking...for...ah...sewing...machine," I said, looking at the associate in the eyes. "Sure," he responded with a smile and lead me to the aisle. The whole time I was walking behind him I couldn't help but think how familiar he looked with his brown curly hair. He looked almost like the guy from last night, who happens to walk out on me this morning. "Was I that bad?" I thought to myself.
"Here they are ma'am," he said, pointing at the shelves filed with an array selection of sewing machines from $25.00 to $150.00. He started to walked away, when I stopped him and asked, "Excuse me.. but um.. I know this sounds shady.. but don't I know u?" He smiled, chuckled actually, "Nah. Unless you were at from Canada? Because I just moved here about three days ago..." Hmmm odd, I thought to myself, this guy looked way too familiar. "Oh really! So how do you like it here so far?" I asked shyly and curiously. "Oh you know, its alright if your into the whole "Hollywood scene," my buddies took me out to some clubs last night...it was the first real night I actually did something here. I think it was called Hyde? I guess its some celeb hot spot...I don’t know."

In my mind, my jaw dropped, my eyes fell to the floor, and I melted to the ground as I realized I was at Hyde last night and it was definitely the one night stand/leave in the morning without a goodbye guy. Completely embarrassed I shriveled up and began backing away like a dog with a tail between its legs. "Ohh Hyde really?" I quickly said as I picked up the machine and began grabbing my money as fast as I could How could he not remember me?????? I hope he doesn't tell his friend he saw me int he middle of the day.. OMG OMG OMG.. OK. Get yourself together.

As I rush out of the store, I bump into Jake, my good-for-nothing boss. "Amanda," he said with a confused look on his face. "Jake," I said surprisingly loud. Jake and I gave each other an weird look, almost like we were shocked to have seen each other in the same place. "Your mother wants to know..." "I have to get going Jake," I interrupted him. I was not in the mood to be lectured at. As I got inside my red Volvo, I looked at rear view mirror and saw Jake starring back at me. I quickly turned my eyes away, thinking if only I could get him back
for all this. Then I had an idea which would work. I grabbed my cell phone and called my cousin Denna. She owed me a favor and was up on everything through last night. As I drove, I explained to her what I needed.

She would get my mom out of the house and I would leave the pix of Jake and Alan in bed together on her pillow; a sort of good night kiss for my own mommy dearest. I pulled up next to the bushes across the street from their house. The shadow hid me, and as I saw my mother leave, I made my way across the street and went in through the kitchen door which was never locked. Then I placed the pic on her pillow and went back to me car to wait. For some reason I couldn't leave until she came back, until i knew it was over.

About an hour and a half later, I started to feel really guilty. I mean I despise Jake but I love my mother. How is making her miserable going to make Jake miserable? Maybe if we go for a nice mother/daughter dinner I can convince to help me with my aspirations in fashion. I ran upstairs to remove the photo from her pillow when I heard the front door open. I "Hello, who's home?" yelled a booming male voice I didn't recognize at all. "Uh, it's Amanda, Sidney's daughter," I stammered back. "Who are you?" I asked, as I turned around to walk downstairs to confront the unexpected visitor. As I rounded the turn I saw my favorite uncle standing there with two suitcases, arms open.

"I know who you are," my uncle laughed, and enveloped me in his big bear hug." I squealed, "Uncle Mike! What are you doing here??" "Didn't your mom tell you? I'm in town for a couple weeks, and I planned a nice celebratory dinner tonight. I can't tell you what we're celebrating until tonight though!"

I thought to myself, "So that's what Jake was trying to tell me outside the fabric store." How was I going to get out of this now? I couldn't exactly go to dinner tonight after outing my Mom's boyfriend. It's a good thing I came back in for the pic. My uncle looked at me and asked if I was okay. "Oh yeah, I'm fine" I said. "Your mother told me you've been struggling to find the right career." Wow my mom was actually nice enough not to say I was fired. "Yeah, I really want to get into fashion designing, but I have no idea where to start" I said. Uncle Mike said "Well, I'm sure you will figure it out soon enough. I need to get my things put away and ready for dinner. Do you know when your mother will be home?" "No, sorry, I haven't talked to her today".

***

As Uncle Mike took center stage, the room feel silent. "I have come here to tell you all something incredibly exciting. I won the lottery!!!!! Since you are the only family I have, I am here to deliver a little token of appreciation -- a million dollars for each of you. Amanda, use this wisely -- looks like your going to need this money more than all of us after your day!"

Meet Reggie Love: Barack Obama's Body Man

LibertySugar — Tue, 27 May 2008 11:00:01 -0700

Reggie Love is Barack Obama's body man. What is a body man you ask? The personal assistant responsible for shadowing the presidential candidate making sure he has everything he needs, and nothing he doesn't like.

Today's New York Times profiled the 26-year-old former Duke basketball and football player. Reggie gave the inside scoop from the campaign trail:

Reggie and Barack start the day with a dawn workout and end it winding down to SportsCenter, during which Barack flosses his teeth.
Barack does not like mayonnaise, salt and vinegar potato chips, asparagus, or soft drinks (just water, please).

To see what Reggie always has on hand for Obama, and more Reggie Love info, read more.

Reggie always keeps a supply of the senator's must-haves: MET-Rx chocolate roasted-peanut protein bars, and bottles of organic Black Forest Berry Honest Tea.
If limited food options are available, a cheddar cheeseburger is the go-to option.
Talking heads are banned. The pair never watches CNN or MSNBC.

Obama also gave the newspaper the inside scoop on Reggie, who gave "the boss" a silver nano iPod for his 46th birthday. Obama told the NY Times:

“So I’ve gotten pretty fond of Jay-Z,” Mr. Obama said. “He’s broadened my horizons in the hip-hop world.” In turn, Mr. Obama said he had gotten Mr. Love into “everything from John Coltrane to Frank Sinatra. I think he’s got the most eclectic music of any 26-year-old.” the senator said.

Do you think a body man like Reggie Love gives Barack the advantage he needs? Are you ready to elect a president that doesn't enjoy asparagus?
Source

What Would you Say to your Boss?

DearSugar — Thu, 24 May 2007 09:00:00 -0700

After reading all about your work pet peeves, I can say I honestly feel for a lot of you! It wasn't a shock to see how many people had gripes about their bosses, so ladies, if you could tell your boss one thing, without suffering from any consequences, do tell, what would you get off your chest?

Source