TresSugar

Head Over Heels: The Literal Version

GiggleSugar — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

I'm so glad my hunch was right, and literal music videos are the next big thing! And I love this song. I bet back in the '80s they were all, "Let's make a video about a freaky library, it's gonna be awesome!" Little did they know the video would achieve never-before-seen levels of awesome 20 years later. Any guesses what '80s video will get literalized next?

Sunday Confessional - I Snooped in My Boyfriend's Email

DearSugar — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

I've been with my boyfriend for just over six months, and he recently asked me to move in with him. While you'd think I'd be over the moon, things have actually been a little rocky between us lately. Something about his behavior has made me fear that he's been unfaithful, but whenever I bring up my concerns to him, he always tells me that he'd never do anything to hurt me. I love him dearly, so I chose to believe him.

This weekend we decided to order pizza and watch a movie at home. When he went downstairs to meet the delivery man, I noticed that his computer was left open. I seized the moment and quickly went through his email. To my amazement, there was an entire folder filled with emails from a girl I've never heard of. I didn't have time to read them because I didn't want to get caught, but my gut told me that my suspicions were right - he'd been cheating on me. I grabbed my purse and ran out the back door with tears in my eyes.

He's been calling off the hook, but I have no intention of talking to him. While I'm glad I saw what I saw, I've been feeling extremely guilty for invading his privacy - I've never gone behind someone's back before. I know I shouldn't have snooped, but can I be forgiven since I was basically just getting the proof I needed to know for sure that my boyfriend had been lying to me?

Source

Group Therapy: Should I Apologize?

Wed, 06 Aug 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My mother-in-law's puppy is being put down today; he's had a heart defect since birth, and against everybody's advice to put him to sleep when he was little, we decided to keep him alive as long as he was doing well and could still run around. He's had a wonderful, happy life for the past 15 months, but with the Summer heat, he's been having more and more trouble moving around, and for the past few days he cannot get up at all. His heart can't keep up anymore, so it's obvious it's time to let him go - he's suffering now.

I called my mother-in-law this morning to tell her I was thinking of her and to try and comfort her. We talked for a few minutes, but then she started to cry and we hung up. I feel terrible because she was holding it together and I fear that I made her break the dam of sadness, so to speak. I was reassuring about the fact that she's doing the right thing and commiserating about her grief. I told her I was sad too (I named that dog!) and asked her to give him a kiss for me before they put him down because I couldn't be there, and that's when she broke down in tears.

Should I apologize? I was going to write her an email later today to see how she was doing, but should I also include an "I'm sorry I made you cry this morning," or do the tears just come with the territory?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Source

Come Story Telling with me!! The Completed Story

DearSugar — Sun, 20 May 2007 17:38:11 -0700

I hope you all enjoyed this new feature as much as I did! Your wild imaginations made for a great story line! To read the completed tale you all helped create, read more

You're never going to believe whom I ran into Saturday night!!!! I was about to meet the girls at the new hot spot everyone's been talking about, Magnolia, and found him standing at the front of the line as I bypassed all of the crowd. I hadn't seen him since last June, a few months before he fled California for the east coast, without so much as a good-bye. Seeing him there stopped me in my tracks. I had grown accustomed to thinking of this city as my own again. It was long past the days when I had looked for him on every street corner, in every doorway, in the reflections of the puddles. Having him gone was like a really deep breath, where you feel your whole body expand with the oxygen and you relax into the exhalation. Immediately, my mind started working... why was he back? Just as I was to go inside and pretend he wasn't actually there, I heard him say to his friend, "Dude! Pamela Anderson is SO hot! I recently met a girl who looks just like her - score!" It was my ex boyfriend. Of course I just had my hair and nails done and I was wearing my fab outfit that made me look 10 pounds lighter, so I looked smokin' hot! Had he met another girl? A Pamela Anderson lookalike? How could this be? How dare he come back here to my reclaimed city and spout off about meeting a new woman. So now what? Do I approach him and make small talk or do I ignore him completely and show him just how over him I really am? I make a split second decision to walk straight up to him and his friend. "You again?" I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. They both turned around. I didn't know his friend, but I sure knew that mug anywhere. "Oh, my God..." he replied, shocked. "I knew I'd see you but I didn't know it would be so soon. You look really good..." "save your breath dear. I'm just stopping by to say hello and let you know that in about 20 minutes the whole crew will be here to celebrate my boyfriends birthday", I said as I glanced over to the group I was with. In reality, I was only hoping that my ex didn't notice that in fact I was the only one in the group without a man. Sticky situation, this, I thought. Typical for me to make up a pretend boyfriend, a birthday and a crew. Now what? Time for a telepathic moment! I tried to gain eye contact with Lucy, my best friend, and communicate: Help me out! After a few moments of sheer panic, Lucy finally got the message and made her way over to me with two champagne cocktails in hand. I was relieved that I didn't have to be in his presence completely sober. She handed me the drink and told me that the celebration was beginning. Now the only thing I needed to complete the lie was a man. A man who would be willing to, on the spot, pretend it was his birthday, and pretend he was with me for that matter. So I left Lucy to catch up with the ex and went off to find myself a unwitting suspect. I was so focused on my quest that I smacked right into the hottest guy I had ever seen - a dead ringer for Matt Damon in The Bourne Identity! "So sorry," I say quickly as we look into each other's eyes. Instant chemistry sparks and I know it's now or never. "So I need you to do me a favor, my *sshole ex boyfriend is back in town and thinks I have a new boyfriend and that today is his birthday. Can you play the part?" I bat my eyelashes flirtatously hoping that the Matt Damon look alike is up for anything. He replies, "Well of course, let me go ask my friend Ben to join us." So the Matt Damon clone takes my hand and pulls me closely to him tightly and says "My darling, you look wonderful tonight. Wait until i get you home and the real party begins..."

I look around and my ex-boyfriend is STEAMING since he was only 4 feet away! I was hearing JT's "My Love" in the background, and I was definitely seeing stars. First with the Matt look-alike, and now his equally hot friend who looked like Ben Affleck! With this sudden Matt-and-Ben manwich, I thought I was an extra in Good Will Hunting! His puppy-dog eyes darted over to the Matt clone, he said, "So what does this hot babe wish of us?" "She asked me to play her boyfriend for the night to make the ex jealous", he said jokingly, I was still slightly mortified that I asked so much of a complete stranger, but he seemed into the idea. "Oh, by the way, my name is Derek, and this is my buddy Ben." Colin cuts in and slyly says, "Now that we're all acquainted lets get the party started!" Derek then shyly reminded Ben that he didn't know my name, and I timidly replied, "Madison." Just as I was starting to feel super overwhelmed by the situation (and the thought of possibly ending up in one of these Matt/Ben look alike's bed later that night) Lucy shows up champy in hand. "Why, hello gentlemen," she says with her man-eater look in the face. I see her checking out both guys and wonder if it's too soon to bathroom break and claim which one we each shall make a move on. But before I can get a word in to Lucy, Ben says suddenly, "Hi Lucy!" and gives her a huge hug hello! It turns out that they are co-workers! Could the world get any smaller. Well, I guess we don't need to figure out who's boy is who's, unless Lucy is in to the whole office romance thing. Still, a conference is in order, I grab Lucy to head to the bathroom.

One our way, we run into my ex. He nonchalantly asks me more information about Matt. "Where is he from & what does he do?" I try to evade the question since I obviously know nothing about him and I pull on Lucy's arm to help me out but she isn't really paying attention to me because she's looking at all the other eye candy in the place. Lucy dishes on her conversation with the ex. Turns out he's back in town for a wedding, and the bachelor party is at Magnolia tonight. And to make matters worse, Lucy mentions that Ben told her earlier that week at work that he was going to be out on Saturday for a bachelor party. Could it be my new hot duo of saviors is actually with the same group that my ex is in? I guess the world can get smaller.

Lucy and I finally reach the lounge in the swanky bathroom, and I tell her to come clean. "What is going on!" I demand. "Oh relax!" she tells me, as she puckers, paints and pouts in the mirror. "Besides" she says with a raised eyebrow "when you see who else is here tonight this will all seem like a drop in the glass". Holy crap, I'm thinking, why didn't I just stay home tonight? She grabs my hand and leads me back out the door. "Wild women coming through" she announces. I consider my options=; there is a window near the sink I could climb through and go MIA for the night, but I did not get a pedi and mani just to let it go to waste in my pajamas...besides, if I went home I would end up eating a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my PJs and my hips def didn't need that, esp since they look oh so good in this little dress. I decided to suck it up and see what else could happen. I would say it couldn't get worse, but then it did. As we leave the bathroom, I am shocked to see Matt, Ben and my ex chatting!!! Every expletive runs through my mind. Lucy notices my deer in the headlight face and steers me towards the bar for more champagne and one of her famous pep talks. She says, "Okay, look. The worst that can happen is that your pal Matt tells your ex he isn't really your boyfriend. It would be embarrassing, yes, but seriously, do you think he is doing that?" I look over, and Matt and my ex seem to be in a serious conversation-there is no laughing, no pointing or staring. I catch Matt's eye and he winks at me, and I know then that I am safe--for now. I said "You are right! give me that red headed slut and lets start this party!" We take our shots, and walk toward the group. Maybe it's the drink, but suddenly I feel like this is "my night", and it shows. I make my way to the dance floor and immediately a hot guy joins me there and starts dancing with me. The music makes me feel free, the lights and the people are like a kaleidoscope; colorful, constantly moving, beautiful. I wonder why I had ever been worried about where the night might go. Then Matt saunters up, with that finely sculpted backside, and asks if he can cut in. Of course I say yes, and we start dancing, and not just with our bodies. I am feeling super sexy right now; the music is just right, our conversation is extremely flirty and fun, and I am saying just the right things to keep it light but sexy. Then he says to me "So, maybe we should rethink our relationship-" and for one horrifying moment I am thinking to myself I am going to be dumped by someone who isn't even my boyfriend and he continues, -"and make it official" as he says that I am momentarily breathless-and balance-less, and I step sideways at an angle that causes to me trip over my own feet and fall. I can feel my face turn a bright crimson, and thinking I just blew the whole thing-I mean who would want to be with me the rest of the night after that? I am the girl who fell. As I go to stand up, he bends over to help me, and we bump heads. At this point all I can do is laugh, and instead of wallowing in my embarrassment, I pull him down onto the floor with me and do something that is rarely in my repertoire- I kiss him, passionately. Then he looks at me and says...Are you OK? How much have you had to drink so far? Just as he says that everything starts to go silent. I feel lightheaded and then complete darkness.

I awake to the sound of beep...beep...beep. As I open my eyes, I find myself in the hospital. Lucy is sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed and I can tell she was crying. "Lucy, what happened? Why am I here?" "Sweetheart, I have something to tell you....Before you took that shot last night, do you remember you and I were talking by the bar? While our heads were turned, someone slipped GHB in your drink. You passed out cold and have been for 9 hours. Matt, your new friend was worried sick, but your ex, he split and the police are looking for to question him." I went to sit up, reeling from the news, but I had such a bad headache I immediately laid back down. "Are you kidding me? What, he was going to rape me or something?" Lucy looked down and slowly shook her head. When she looked back up I could see the fear in her eyes. "When he left the club in such a hurry, the police started to do a background investigation. The name you know him by, is an alias. He has 3 other identities, and with them 3 dead ex-girl friends. The police think he could be a serial murderer, much like a black widow, only he is doing the killing." I laid, in stunned silence as tears began to well in my eyes. I turned away, and when I did, I saw a vase of beautiful roses. I turned back to Lucy "Who are they from?" At that time, Matt walks into the room and says, "They are from me. I have something to tell you also."

If I thought I had heard it all, more was coming. I pushed the nurse button to get some pain medicine for my splitting headache, and Matt continued. "Our meeting was not just by chance. I was hired to come here and get involved with you. By that guy, your ex. I am an actor, you see, well, actually, I am an FBI agent, posing as an actor. I am going to be your personal body guard until we can hunt your ex down. Although I must admit, I don't think being with you 24/7 is going to feel much like a job! I must confess-this is going to be a little more complicated than I originally thought. Your ex has a knack for disappearing and staying underground until he feels it's safe to come up for air. It could be days, weeks, even years so the most important thing is to make sure that you are safe. Now, I need to ask you a few questions...When was the last time you saw each other? Talked to each other? Have you been in contact with him?" I close my eyes as things around me start to get fuzzy. I cant handle all these questions right now. It's too much. "Matt," I say, "that is your name right? Get the hell out of here. I don't believe a word of this crap. Lucy, pass me the phone, I am not talking to anyone until I speak to my parents and my lawyer. This all makes no sense whatsoever and I want everyone OUT OF HERE!" As Lucy slams the door, tears stream down my face. I cry myself to sleep and wake up to my mom stroking my hair away from my face. The sense of relief I feel from seeing my mom and dad sitting next to my hospital bed was absolutely indescribable and I instantly know everything is going to be OK.

You Asked: Supporting My Girlfriend While She Waits for an Abortion

DearSugar — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 17:00:00 -0800

DearSugar --

I figure this is probably a girl's site, but I just needed to ask someone some questions. I'm 22, about to turn 23, and my girlfriend is 21. We found out that she is pregnant. She is pregnant by only about 3 weeks and she has decided that she wants an abortion. I told her that it was up to her because it is her body and that I would support her in any way I could, that I would be there for her whether she wanted to have an abortion or not.

But I am stricken for words; I really don't know what to say or how to comfort her, except for telling her that I will always be there and that I love her and that I wont leave her side. I am afraid for her. I love her too much to see her tear herself apart and feel bad or guilty.

I've told her that my mother had an abortion before I was born. Her mother told me once that she had had an abortion, too, but made me promise to never tell her daughter. I don't want to betray that trust, but I wonder if that would maybe make things easier for my girlfriend?

This might sound very selfish, but I need to say this. I don't want to lose my girlfriend. I love her with all of my mind, body and soul, and I am so afraid of losing her to this. I have come to realize that this is the girl I want to marry. I'm just so confused. I just want to be loving and helpful to her, and be there for everything. Hopefully you will give me some advice. Until that time comes I shall continue being her rock. Thank you very much. -- Heartsick Henry

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Heartsick Henry --

You sound like a good man, a loving boyfriend, and a true friend. I'm so sad for you both; this is a painful moment in your young lives, and I'm relieved your girlfriend has you in her life and that you show her such care.

I'm going to encourage you both to sit down immediately with your mothers, together. Tell them what's happened and seek their help, counsel and comfort. From what you've written, I get the feeling you both will find much relief if you turn to them. I hope you'll also tell your girlfriend exactly what you told me in your note. You might feel at a loss for words, but you expressed yourself very well and with much tenderness. It might help to remind her, again, that you support any decision she makes around this matter and that nothing, nothing, will change your good and strong feelings about her and the relationship.

I've pulled together a few resources for you both, and I hope our community here can be of help, too. For basic information about pregnancy, birth control, and abortions, I would go to planned parenthood's website. They also provide general counseling and support services over the phone.

If either of you want to discuss your fears, worries or doubts with professionals, you can call 1-800-376-4636. This Planned Parenthood program is called ACCESS, and someone there will listen and answer questions as you make your decision. Should your girlfriend decide an abortion is best for her right now, but finds she has questions or needs some additional support afterward, she can call 1-800-376-4636. That program is called EXHALE, and their help is also available to either of you after an abortion.

I might also visit the online website and community afterabortion.com; it provides a wide range of information, resources and chat rooms. It's politically neutral and respectful, and I've linked here to the "Do's" and "Don'ts" page for support people. Perhaps that will be of some use to you now, Heartsick Henry.

Be gentle with each other, and kind. Please do discuss birth control before you become intimate again, and promise each other you'll show your love and respect by being safe every time. Courage and comfort to you both.

Source

Career advice needed - Is being nice a bad thing? It used to be the reason for my success, and now it's keeping me from it?

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 20:07:10 -0800

About 8 years ago, I cocktail waitressed at a nightclub, and made AWESOME money doing so. I was also 19 yrs. old. After 1 1/2yrs. of working there, and having no health benefits, I decided it was time to get a job that offered more.

I got a job working in an office, which also paid well, and had excellent benefits. I started in customer service, then got into sales, and eventually became the office manager. While my job was stressful, I was GOOD at it. And the customers made it all worth the hard work. I fell in love with the customers. Everyone there loved me. I really would go the extra mile for people, and was always honest and sincere. I was at the top of my "career", I guess you could say, mostly due to my customer service skills.

After working at the office for about 7 years, my husband and I ended up having to move due to his job relocation. It was time for me to find a new job. Originally I had wanted to go for the casino host position at the casino, since I figured I LOVED working with people, so this job would be perfect for me. And I know how to handle stress, so that wasn't even a worry. And I am GREAT at dealing with people, even in difficult situations. So many friends and family tell me I just "have a way" with people.

Instead of applying for the casino host position, like I should have, I took a lower paying job at the casino first, but in the same department, to learn the system, figuring in time I could move up to casino host and then that way I'd already know half of my job duties. I thought this was a GOOD idea.

It didn't work. While the customers loved me at the casino, the corporate "big wigs" thought I was "too nice". I stayed in this position for about 9 months. When I first got the job, I told my boss the only reason I was taking this job was so I could learn the system so I could be a better casino host. She KNEW I was there to become a casino host. And she was ok with that, as she also ran all the casino hosts.

It was time for me to go for it. My boss informed me she'd let me shadow an actual casino host. That never happened. We were always too busy. I was doing great at this job, it was a piece of cake...brainless, really. I learned the system quickly. I wanted more though, I wanted a challenge. I wanted to become a host!!! My boss literally informed me that I'm "just too nice, so we need to work at that first, before anything".

It put me in tears that day. I KNOW I could do this job. I could probably even run circles around the others...but for some reason, my kindness kept me from advancing. I was really upset. How could something, like BEING NICE, be a BAD thing?!?! Something that put me at the TOP of the ladder at my old job, was now pulling me down to the bottom at my new job.

I know if I would have just gone for the casino host position in the first place, they wouldn't be able to judge me, and I'd land it just fine. But I made the wrong decision...thinking it was the better thing to do first. To get experience.

Anyhow, I can't change who I am. I AM nice. I love people, I'm honest, sincere, hardworking, and far from fake. And customers appreciate it. SO many of the customers at the casino even filled out comment cards, LITERALLY saying how they should make me the new casino host!!! SO many cards were recieved. My boss even showed me. But it just didn't matter...because, "I'm too nice". I ended up quitting that job...after 9 months. My husband hurt himself and was off work, so I had to take care of him. But now it's time for me to go back to work.

I can't get the phrase "too nice" out of my head though. I used to have SO much confidence in myself, and now I shutter at the idea of going somewhere new, in fear I will again, waste my time and be told "I'm too nice" when it's time to advance.

I have SO many dreams...I KNOW I can do it, deep inside, because I have a passion for working with people, but now I have such low confidence from what my old boss told me. It's terrible.

Please help...I'm seriously thinking of just going back to waitressing...which was my first love. But I'm 28 now. And while I'm not bad shape, I have gained more weight since being off work taking care of my husband, and don't have the "body" like I used to, back in my old cocktailing days. So I don't fit into the "skinny cocktail waitress" group at all the clubs these days...lol. Not that I care, but in that industry, "sex sells". But I don't fit into those tight little clothes anymore...lol.

However, at least waitressing I wouldn't have to deal with the corporate politics and their crappy view of what "good enough" is. I refuse to be anything else but who I am. But is being who I am a bad thing? Nice? Is nice really so bad? I KNOW I can be something special...but it's almost too easy to just go waitress again. Afterall, it's good money, and I get benefits through my husband's job. I'm so lost. Please, any advice, would be great! Sorry so long!

Am I "overreacting" or am I allowed to feel this way?

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 04:53:43 -0800

I'm 22 now, and I'm as depressed as ever. I lost my dad when I was 6, but I'm still mourning him, and I have no one to talk to about it. It seems like it was so long ago that I don't think people understand why I'm still upset about it. As a child, I looked up to my dad, he was my hero, my life, and when I lost him, I felt that I lost my world...My family wouldn't let me visit him in the hospital, and left me at home when he died. They even videotaped his death and let me watch it. They didn't tell me why he died, or how, I eventually figured it out by myself. I grew up with 5 sisters and 3 brothers...I became an aunt when I was 5 and I started baby-sitting when I was 10. My family only paid attention to me only when they had to, like when I did something wrong. I grew up with no self-esteem, constantly doubting myself. My sister had 7 kids with a man that practically molested me and my sisters, but I refuse to remember what he did to me...I couldn't be a kid, I was busy baby-sitting and paying for my sisters' mistakes while they went out to live their lives like women with no children. They made me grow up too quickly, and gave me responsibilities that I should've never had as a kid. Even when I went out, I had the wrong kind of friends. I wanted the love, care, and attention that my family never gave me so badly that I became friends with anybody, just so I wouldn't be alone. I even had friends that lied to me, betrayed me, disliked me, and wanted to beat me up. My mom didn't pay much attention to me, she didn't discipline me...I ended up raising myself emotionally...I did well in school, was on the honor roll, was in a Gifted and Talented Education program, participated in plays and recitals...but still was unnoticed. Everyone made me cry, but I wasn't allowed to, because crying was "stupid." So I hid it, to this day, I don't cry in front of people, I just hold it in. That was all just in elementary school.
Then, I had a dream of acting, but got shot down hard by my family, telling me I wasn't good or pretty ...and my self-esteem went even lower. I got blamed for getting sick, I got criticized for not being smart enough. I ended up with a best friend that treated me like dirt only because I let my family treat me like dirt. I ended up with a mentor somehow, and my family didn't know or care to know what that was or why. A boy I liked wanted to make out with me, but he didn't like me, so I refused, that's why to this day, I haven't had my first kiss yet. I made it a goal and belief to only kiss my boyfriend...In spite of what went on at home, the emotional abuse, which is worse than the physical...crying myself to sleep at night...I made it a goal to come out stronger and a good person in the end. I promised my dad that I would be a person that he would be proud of...make the right choices...which explains not giving in to peer pressure, not doing drugs, not having sex until marriage, not drinking until I was 21 (I don't even like the taste of alcohol anyways). I was always and good and nice person, no matter how people treated me. I made it my life's goal to turn out exactly the opposite of how my family is...they were jugdemental, sometimes racist, critical, mean, negative, dishonest...and plenty of other things...I had no female role models. My sisters ended up with kids with men that were abusive to them, they ended up letting my mom take care of their children while they lived single lives that I should be living...dating, clubbing...if I chose to...My mom had her favorites, and I wasn't one of them...she didn't even go to my 6th or 8th grade graduation, when we lived down the street from my schools. I hid my home life from people at school, and hid my school life from my family...when both weren't even great.
Then comes high school...just the normal honors classes and crush on a boy...and finally finding the right kind of friends...school was great...Home on the other hand, not so much. I was never so suicidal in my life, because my family keeps getting worse. My mom assumed that somehow I'm a girl that liked to dress provacatively and go out with my friends to meet guys...she wouldn't let me go out with my friends because she thought I'd be like my sisters. She put my older sister on a pedestal when she constantly lied to my mom's face and snuck out of the house to see her boyfriends. I only hung out with my friends at their houses and she still restricted me. The whole time my mom was suspecting me of partying, drinking, and boys...my sister was doing it behind her back. I focused on doing well in school, and staying out of trouble at school. I respected and feared authority figures, I hated getting in trouble, so I followed the rules. I never was late to school, I never got detention or suspended or Saturday school, I didn't even know who the Principal was. School was perfect for me...until my mom made us move and I had to transfer high schools during junior year...It was hard for me to adjust, since it took me so long to find the right friends, that would love me in spite of my family. I ended up talking to a counselor that told me I had depression mostly because of my suicidal thoughts and attempts...so she called my house because of her legal obligations...only to have my sister say, "She's just trying to get attention, because she doesn't like being at that school." My counselor couldn't believe someone could say that. I later got on track at school and graduated at honors...but still letting my home life get to me...and barely graduating. No one knew how depressed I was, I was just always so "cheerful and outspoken," I was two different people...I had to hide my sadness from everyone, cuz in my family, we don't talk about feelings and we're not supposed to talk to anyone else about it if it involves the family. In spite of all that, I'm still so dependent on my family...financially...so I'm stuck, I don't know how to take care of myself physically, cuz they took care of that, sometimes.
By age 20, I ended up being a foster parent for my 7 nieces and nephews...since my sister got them taken away from her for the 2nd time. Six months into it, they drove me crazy, and I would break down in tears from the stress, so I had to put them back into foster care...and everyone hated me for it. My mom was mad because I couldn't care for kids the way she cared for us, food, clothing, shelter was what she thought we only needed to survive...which is partly true. I couldn't let those kids grow up in my family...as a child, I was hoping, praying, and dreaming I was adopted, and that my real family would save me from this horrible one. I had to live with a friend for a while, since I had no one to turn to.
I find myself wanting and needing the love and attention and care I never got growing up, but people telling me how needy I am. I don't have great friends, they've hurt and turned their backs on me, but that doesn't stop me from making friends and meeting new people. I hold on to fairy tales and the hope of a happily ever after. I cling to tv shows since they're the only constant things in my life, and when I need someone, they're always there for me. TV practically raised me. I have friends, yet I'm still so alone, because I'm too nice and too trusting. I surround myself with people I would do anything for but can't show me if they care. So much bad stuff has happened to me that I'm afraid to do anything. I'm afraid those obstacles will keep on coming and I don't want to do it on my own. Everytime my life starts looking up, something happens to bring it back down...I know it happens to everyone...but I don't even remember the last time I was actually happy...or when I laughed to just laugh instead of to stop from crying. Being me, being a good person isn't hard...it's being me in this world that is...I'm still so open, so trusting, so caring, so nice...and I can't change it, because it's who I am, and I like who I am, I just don't like getting hurt for it. I still wear my heart on my sleeve, still put myself out there, but I feel so hopeless with my life. I feel like I can't move forward...like I'm being held back. I'm still depressed, I feel so lonely, I stay up all night, or sometimes not even sleep, I get so stressed that I get myself sick...I feel so hopeless, and no one seems to understand. I get up, but I feel like life keeps knocking me down like it wants me to stay down...Like the saying, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I'm a hopeless romantic that just can't seem to find love and will never settle...a grieving daughter that can't seem to let go of the father she never stopped loving...a stubborn daughter that tries to feel useful and worth something to a mother that will never notice...a big sister and aunt that just wants to make things right for the next generation...a little sister that wants to prove that she will turn out fine after avoiding all their footprints...a decent friend that will take care of everyone whether or not they take care of her...

Should I go through with it/at the end of my rope

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 13:07:26 -0800

I'm engaged to be married next year. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years, and while not all of those were wonderful, we've made it through some really rocky patches and been stronger for it.

However, now that we are engaged, and the wedding is quickly approaching, I've gone beyond a little "cold feet" or wedding jitters. I am full-fledged having second thoughts. All of the things that he says or does that annoy me or hurt me are magnified by a thousand. I've been thinking back over those seven years, and I'm realizing that I've been waiting for him to grow up this whole time. I always think the next big event in our relationship will do it...he graduated from college: "Now, he'll mature and become responsible." He moved away for a couple of years: "He'll learn what it's like to have to pay his own way." He moved back, and I graduated from college: "Now that I'm not living with my head buried in projects, we can focus on ourselves."

I am not a controlling woman; he basically does whatever he feels like doing. He is not a drinker or a partier, and I have absolutely no doubts regarding his fidelity to me. He is an extreme type of personality...whatever he does, he does it to the max. I, on the other hand, am more of a slow and steady personality. He's very involved in physical fitness; I am marginally interested. I have never doubted our relationship until now. We're building a house, which I know everyone says is a huge strain on a relationship, but I'm an interior architect, and I do this for a living, so it is not stressful on me at all. But he truly cannot deal with his stress. All of his frustrations with the house (and everything else in life) are taken out on me. He tells me that I do not communicate with him, that I close up when there is a conflict. That's partially true - I despise conflict with every fiber of my being, so I will avoid it at all costs. However, this makes him feel like we are not communicating our feelings...but when I do try to tell him how I feel, I'm met with the insistance that none of my feelings are valid. So, we have a huge fight, I cry and cry, he has time to cool down, and then he apologizes. I'm so sick of that pattern.

I reached my breaking point this weekend. He made some stupid comment about my shirt, and it was like I was looking at our relationship as if I weren't actually a member of it. I thought, "If my friend told me that her fiance had said that to her, I'd tell her to dump him!" It's never just one thing when everything comes to a head, so I tried to tell him that I had been seriously considering if marriage was the right thing for us. We were able to talk about it after he'd cooled down, but I didn't leave with a sense of security about things. I went to my parents' house and cried and cried and the floodgates completely opened up. I didn't air all of our laundry, but I told them enough to let them know that things are not what they seem in our relationship. I am generally a very happy person; I want to make others happy, and I do what I can to make things easier for those around me. My dad was furious. He basically said, people don't change. He said, "You don't deserve to be treated like that." It was the first time I'd seen our relationship through my parents' eyes, and the first time that it had even dawned on me, that geez, that's right, I DON'T deserve that. My mom and I even discussed if we should pay my bridesmaids back for their dresses. I was formulating the speech I was going to give him when I gave the ring back. He called, and apologized, as usual, and I really let him know how I felt. He came over, and I told him everything. Normally, I hold back, because I've been scared he would break up with me...but at that moment, I wasn't scared of that possibility. He made all kinds of promises about loving me, showing me that he loves me, how sorry he was that he'd been such a jerk, etc., etc. I told him that those were all of the right things to say, but we'd have to see if he was really going to act on those promises.

Fast forward to today. We met with our pastor for pre-marital counselling, and the entire session revolved around how relationships disintegrate. The gist of the whole thing was that there are two sides to every coin. There is nothing more wonderful than a great marriage. There is nothing worse than a bad marriage. Contact with someone will either build your relationship up and make you love them more, or it will bring out all of their flaws and create walls between you. Everything was SO relevant to what is happening in our relationship. We talked for almost an hour after the session ended, and it seemed that nothing had changed. He was still stressed out, moping around like he was the biggest victim in the world, and I had to try to cheer him up. Of course, nothing I did or said was the right thing, so I finally just told him he had to snap out of it - that this behavior was not the behavior I was promised just last night.

I have been on such an emotional roller coaster. I have moments where I think, "everyone goes through this" and I almost make up my mind to just commit 150% and go for it; then I remember my dad's reaction, how my fiance reacted when I told him I was ready to give the ring back and that my parents knew, and how no matter how many times we SAY we're not going to fight, we do. I am literally at the end of everything that I have to offer. He brought me flowers to our session, and the card was really sweet. I wish it was that simple, and that a small gesture like that could wipe away all of my doubts and fears and concerns. He wanted to make up for our fights this weekend and last night, but I really felt like I was just going through the motions of a couple making up. I hugged him, but I felt numb. I kissed him, but I didn't feel the little zing in my stomach.

I have cried more in the last week than I have ever cried in my entire life. I really just don't know what to do. I love him, but I really don't know if I can marry him. I've been going through the motions of a girl engaged, having dress fittings, making plans with florists, photographers, etc...and all the while, my emotions are so close to the surface, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears ALL THE TIME. I want to be clear minded and make the best decision, but I am struggling so hard with this. I'm not naive enough to thing that loving someone is enough. That's for movies, not real life. I know that all marriages take work...but I also know that sometimes, no matter how hard the couple works at it, it fails in the end. I'm not a quitter. I'm not someone who is happy with not succeeding at things. I question whether or not I'm letting those personality traits cloud my judgement, and that's why I haven't ended it yet, or if I haven't ended it because I'm supposed to be with him.

I know it's hard to give advice to a total stranger, but if anyone out there has been though this before, or if anyone is married and can give me some insight, I would be so grateful. If nobody can offer anything, then thanks for letting me vent!