TresSugar

Where Do You Stand? Taking a Break in the Beginning of a Relationship

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Most of you think taking breaks in a relationship is a good thing (if need be) but when I heard a friend of mine tell me she wanted to take a break from her long-distance boyfriend after only a month of dating, I couldn't help but think, what's the point?

The beginning of a relationship is usually the best part - who doesn't love those butterflies in your stomach? - so do you think taking a break during that time is just a buffer before ending the relationship for good? Or do you think a break is a good thing no matter when it's taken?

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Group Therapy: He Needs Space, but He's Still Calling

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of three years said he needs space. He said this after a long period of arguing and confusion over my big-time jealousy issues and clingy behavior. I don't feel he is trying to break up with me, since he's sent me at least five emails since he asked for space three days ago, and we have spoken on the phone (him being the one who called) at least three times a day. So I am a bit confused.

I think he is trying to say I need to stop my compulsive need to be around him 24 hours a day, and just back up a bit. What I need to know is how do I do this? I do obsess all the time about what he is doing, and I'm starting to truly believe I have forgotten about my own life. For the record I have toned down my calling, emailing, etc. a ton to show him I can let him breathe. Any advice or tips on how to handle this situation is greatly appreciated.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: What Does He Mean by "Break"?

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for five and half years. We've dated since high school and throughout college, but have also had some rough periods. This Summer he got accepted into a four-year pharmacy program in another city. Before he left, he dropped a bomb on me: He wanted to breakup. I was heartbroken but we talked before his move and he told me he always saw his future with me but wasn't sure if his feelings were strong enough presently to do long distance for the next eight months.

We decided to keep things open, but he's created an entirely new life and even though we talk every day, he says he feels single and he likes it. Still, he maintains that he wants to be with me eventually. His proposed solution was that we take a "break" until Christmas, when he will be home next, in hopes that he will realize that he wants to be with me 100 percent. He said that it would mean we would talk less and be able to see other people, which he said he had no intentions of doing.

I agreed on this break hoping that it would bring us together in the end. We decided to write a list of guidelines during this period in order to make the break work. When I mentioned to him one guideline I had - no fooling around with other people (going on dates was acceptable) - he became hesitant. I don't think that messing around with other people will solve our issues. So all this leads me to wonder exactly what he means by "break." Does he want to be single for now but knows that he will have me in the end? My definition of a break was to reassess our relationship and figure out if we want to be together in the future. I don't want to end up getting hurt in the end. Please help!

- Uncertain Ciara

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Uncertain Ciara,

Although your boyfriend claims he has no intention of pursuing a physical relationship or otherwise with anyone during this break, it's clear to me that that's exactly what he has in mind. And even if he doesn't, I'm not sure how taking a break ruled by a set of guidelines rather than communication is going to help you two reevaluate your relationship. It sounds like your boyfriend is fairly certain that he doesn't want to be with you right now, and while he might see you in his future, if he's not willing to commit today or even tomorrow then I don't know how much that's worth.

Your boyfriend needs to understand that he doesn't get to string you along until it's convenient for him, and you're the one that's going to have to show him that via your actions. Don't be afraid to tell him that your not willing to wait around for him while he enjoys his freedom. It's important that he realizes what he's losing. If you've explained all this to him and he's still sure he doesn't want to be with you, then my advice is to take that for what it is and start moving on. Of course, things could work out later, but certainly don't count on it.

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You Asked: Should I Wait and See if He Changes His Mind?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Back in July my boyfriend confessed that he lied to me about being a virgin - he had actually been with six girls before me. He was my first and it hurt terribly that someone I loved would lie to my for a year and half. I forgave him because I loved him and he genuinely was sorry; the guilt was eating away at him. In the end, he asked for a break and I was devastated. Apparently he had to work out some issues regarding his family and his job. I asked him specifically what a break meant, and he said he just wanted a month without contact.

I haven't seen him for about three weeks. We've both been incredibly busy, but I'm willing to make time and he's not. I asked to spend a day with him and he finally said OK. He blew me off and I waited around like an idiot. I called and left an angry voicemail and instead of calling me back, he proceeded to email me the next day only to go on about a blow-out fight he had with his parents. I replied back that instead of shutting me out he needs to open up to me. He is miserable and seems depressed. He says that he loves me but everything is too crazy right now for him to be in a relationship.

I just don't know where to go from here. I love him and I want to be together, but he can't seem to make the time for me. I know that what we have isn't a real relationship right now so is it over or should I sit tight and see what happens? I'm an emotional basket case and can't stop thinking about all of it.

- I'm a Basket Case Bryn

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear I'm a Basket Case Bryn,

Finding yourself in relationship limbo is always very confusing and oftentimes overwhelming. It's difficult to focus on anything else in your life if your relationship feels off-balance, but I think you were right to ask how you can be with someone who doesn't make time for you. The answer is you can't - a relationship takes two people. It's clear that your boyfriend is not willing to make something work with you right now and you're right again, you do deserve better.

You can certainly wait around for him in the hopes that he'll change, but if you do, prepare yourself for the likelihood that he may never come back around. Or you can decide to take some time for yourself and figure out why you're so willing to sacrifice your happiness for a person who is emotionally unavailable to you. With the latter you certainly won't be let down, and you might just open yourself up to some amazing possibilities.

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Group Therapy: How Can I Forget the Past and Be Happy?

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and during the Summer, went on a break. My boyfriend's grandmother died and we had been fighting constantly; he claimed that he wanted a break from the stress he was going through. Regardless of the fact that our break only lasted 10 days and I maintained my dignity by refusing to call or text, I still can't go over the fact that he hurt me after being together for so long. This was two months ago and I'm still having a hard time getting my old attitude that we can make it through anything back.

Ever since we got back together, he has done nothing but be great to me. He has repeatedly told me how stupid he was and how he is so sorry, but I can't seem to get it out of my head. I love him and I don't want to lose him, but ever since this has happened I feel so insecure and needy. What can I do to fix my attitude and start building our relationship again, instead of tearing it down with my insecurities?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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The How-To Lounge: Time Apart Without Taking a Break

DearSugar — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 14:00:00 -0700

The notion of taking a break in a relationship is one many people ascribe to and one I’ve even recommended before, but it does seem that more often than not, taking a break is simply a step away from breaking up. When it comes down to it, a break may offer clarity, but it doesn’t actually solve any problems - only communication and compromise can do that - which is why I wanted to share some ideas for taking a break that doesn’t require any official breaks at all. To see my ideas, just read more.

It is possible to put physical distance between one another without actually taking an official hiatus. Spend an entire day to yourself or take a weekend to visit your family. Consciously not talking for a couple days is not necessarily unhealthy. In fact, it can let you think clearly for a while.
Instead of taking a break from your relationship, try taking a break from the issue at hand. It sounds difficult, but if you and your significant other make the decision together to let something go for a while, it’s not so hard. In fact, being able to enjoy time together might actually give you both some much-needed perspective.
Go out with your girlfriends to cry, dance, get goofy, or do whatever it is you want to do - and don’t worry about your boyfriend back at home on the couch. Sometimes we just need some room to stretch our legs. But remember: don’t do anything that might compromise your relationship unless you’re willing to deal with the consequences.
Just as breaks are an opportunity to reconnect with ourselves, they’re also an opportunity to reach out to other people and process the struggles our relationships are going through. But reaching out to family and friends for an opinion or a new insight can happen at any time. And you may find it easier to process your problems when you can go immediately back to your significant other and tell him what you’ve realized as opposed to waiting until your break is over.

If you really do want time to yourselves, then by all means take it. But if you're just looking for a breather, it's important to learn how to get that feeling even with your significant other by your side.

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You Asked: Should I Give Him Space?

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for three years and he recently told me that he needs some space. He said that we should be "friends" for right now until he gets himself together. He has been through a lot, and seems to push everyone away. What should I do? Should I give him space, or just put this relationship to bed? I love him and don't want to lose him, but the fact that he's pushing me away instead of coming to me for support makes me think he's not on the same page. - Helpless Helena

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Helpless Helena,

If your boyfriend is asking for his space, as much as you might not want to give it to him, you unfortunately don't have much of a choice. Three years is a long time to be with someone, so I can only image how you must be feeling, but with so little information here, the best advice I can offer is to trust your intuition. I'm still on the fence when it comes to taking breaks - sometimes they are a tremendous help in a relationship, but other times they just delay the inevitable: a breakup.

If you love him and think there's a chance to work it out, I'd give him the space and try to patiently wait as his friend. Since you're even contemplating calling it a day, something tells me this is not the first time he's needed a break. You have to ask yourself if you think he'll be able to get whatever it is he needs during your time apart - the desire to work on himself is a completely different situation than if he just wants to date other people. Have a chat with him; let him know how you're feeling, make him aware of what you want, and ask him if he's on board for the same thing. Once you've had a good heart-to-heart, you'll be better equipped to make the right decision.

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You Asked: Is a Break Just Guilt-Free Cheating?

DearSugar — Thu, 15 May 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been going out with the most perfect man for almost two years. I’m 21 and he’s 23. He tells me he loves me constantly, he compliments me nonstop, and whatever I need or want he does. We haven’t had a single fight until a few days ago when he accidentally read a message addressed to me from my best friend. In the note, my friend wondered if I had ever asked for a break like I wanted. Although there's nothing wrong with our relationship, I feel like I’m too young to be so serious, but I knew that asking for a break would be extremely painful for him. I feel conflicted because although I've never loved anyone more than him, I still get curious when other guys show interested in me, and on occasions I want to act on it. I feel this way very rarely and I wish I didn’t feel it at all, but I do.

When my boyfriend asked about the message he had found, I told him I wanted a break to get some things out of my system. He was really upset and I felt horrible for putting him through the pain that I did. I then thought that the sooner I got these feelings out of my system, the sooner we could get back together. When he called me the next night, he was upset to find out that the reason why I didn’t pick up the phone was because I was with some one else. He told me that he felt sick the entire day; he couldn’t eat or sleep. He also seemed convinced that I couldn’t really love him if I could so quickly be with another man. He considers my definition of a break to be “guilt-free cheating” and seemed unsure if he can trust me now. I guess I just need to know if taking a break was a good idea after all and if we'll be able to make it.
- Needing My Space Sally

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Needing My Space Sally,

Being so young in such a committed relationship can be hard sometimes, but if you're having a wandering eye, and thinking about acting on it, I think taking a break was a good idea. The fact that your boyfriend found out the way he did is most definitely adding insult to injury - it sounds like this completely blindsided him. The sense you feel when other men look at you and find you attractive is unbeatable, sure, but it doesn't mean you can't enjoy the confidence boost just because you're in a relationship with someone - it's all about how you react to other people's advances.

I'm glad you asked for alone time instead of cheating on him, but before you get back together, be sure you've gotten whatever it is out of your system. Make sure you're going to be 100 percent committed to your boyfriend since it's very clear that he loves you. As for his definition of taking a break, yes, you can look at it as guilt-free cheating, but that will only create more tension when and if you get back together. Breaks mean something different for every couple. Sometimes they make them, sometimes they break them, but at the end of the day, if you both love each other and make the effort to make the relationship work, a break can be irrelevant. I wish you luck.

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You Asked: Should I Call?

DearSugar — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I need dating advice. I'm your typical commitment-phobe but I've been dating this guy I met at work since last November and things were going great until two weeks ago. He quit his job and is now looking for something better. He says I'm very important to him but also says he can't see me right now and would rather not talk until he gets his life sorted out. I've tried calling him twice since then - he's been distant but has talked to me. I don't want to lose him because I finally feel like I've met someone who I can open up to and who cares (or cared) about me. I'm scared and need advice. What should I do? - Demanding Deborah

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Dear Demanding Deborah,

When one person starts to pull away in a relationship, it's inevitable that the other person will hold on for dear life - it's just human nature, but the fact that your boyfriend has specifically asked for his space means that he really needs it. For a man, not having a job is a big deal. Since our society places so much pressure on men to be the main provider in relationships, I can completely understand how he would want to cool things down until he has the financial security he clearly needs.

If I were you, I'd write him an e-mail. Let him know that you want to respect his needs but you just need him to know how much you care for him. Once you've said your peace, unfortunately there's nothing more you can do but wait. I wish I could tell you how long it might take or if things will be the same again, but I can't. Trust your intuition on this one and try to be patient. Good luck.

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Is Space in a Relationship a Good Thing?

DearSugar — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0800

I'm a firm believer that couples shouldn't spend every free second they have together. It's important for each person to have other friends, hobbies, and interests. Not only does it give you time apart (which is a must every once in a while), but it also helps to strengthen each person individually, which in turn makes you stronger as a couple.

So a little time apart is healthy, but what about space? I'm sure you've said you need your space before, if someone was being too clingy or if you were constantly arguing. Can space or taking a break really make a bad relationship better? Or, is saying you need your space just sugar-coating an inevitable break up?

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