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Stop That Thought, Part II: Managing Important Worries

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you worry too much, you're not alone. But it's important to consider what kinds of worries are plaguing you. Some worries are totally unproductive, meaning that thinking about them won't change anything, and I have some tips for banishing those from your brain. But what about things you actually need to worry about, like paying the bills, making travel plans, whatever?

For these concerns, you need to make sure you're worrying at the right time. Fretting about giving a presentation when you're stuck on the train or trying to plan a dinner party when you should be working just makes you more stressed out. You should manage those worries and compartmentalize them so they don't dominate your day. For some coping mechanisms, read more.

Make a list. Who doesn't love making a list? If you find that something is occupying your thoughts, take a moment to make a list of things you need to do later, or write a note to yourself listing the things that are on your mind. Now that you've written the worries down, put the list aside along with your thoughts.
Pick a worry time. This may sound a bit silly, but it works for many people. Pick a specific time in your day - maybe 15 minutes when you get home from work - that is reserved for worrying. You aren't allowed to worry any other time, so use those 15 minutes to sort out what's on your mind and come up with a plan of action.
Accomplish something else. If you're worrying about something you have to do later, you may not be able to take care of it right away, so occupy your mind by doing something else that will give you a sense of accomplishment. Respond to some emails, clean your desk, or get some exercise. Just accomplishing one thing will help you feel better about your worries.

Got any other tips for taming worries? Share them below!

Source

Stop That Thought, Part I: Taming Unproductive Worries

DearSugar — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

We all worry from time to time, but worrying is often totally unproductive. We have to sweat a lot of details and dilemmas in life, but getting stressed about things when you can't actually do anything about them isn't very helpful.

For instance, worrying about your upcoming dentist appointment won't make your filling hurt any less. Similarly, when you're at work, thinking about all the things you need to do when you get home will just stress you out. If you need a little help taming your worries, why not try a technique called "thought stopping"? The method can help you dismiss unproductive worries all together and save the important ones for another time.

For a few tips on pushing unproductive thoughts out of your mind, read more.

Some worries have a purpose - say, planning a dinner party or remembering to pay your bills. But other worries, like anxiety over a dentist visit, aren't doing you any favors. So why not push them out of your mind entirely? Try these tips and see what works for you.

Count to 10. When an unproductive worry enters your head, count to 10 and tell yourself you'll stop thinking about it when you're done counting. In your mind, shout "stop!" when you hit 10.
Go somewhere else. In your mind, that is. Pick a place that makes you happy - maybe curled up in bed or somewhere on your last vacation - and imagine yourself there every time a nasty thought plagues you.
Replace the unhealthy with something healthy. Instead of dwelling on something that's only going to stress you out, replace your worry with a healthy thought. Remind yourself about something you're happy about or thankful for.

What about the things you really need to worry about? Stay tuned for my tips on saving the important worries for another time. Meanwhile, share your tips below.

Source

Berlusconi's Mistress Tells Us More Than We Need to Know

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:30:23 -0800

Italians really take their sex scandals to the next level. Today, Patrizia D'Addario, former call girl mistress to Italy's "I'm no saint" prime minister, adds a "lesbian dimension" to her tale of sex, power, and retaliation.

Patrizia has a book coming out and excerpts reveal that she has been the target of threats, robbery, and violence after going public about her affair with Silvio Berlusconi. But that's not stopping her. Describing a party held at Berlusconi's home, Patrizia shares the prime minister's preference for white silk pajamas and women who like other women. To see an excerpt, read more.

Patrizia writes:

"Other girls arrived, including a pair of lesbians, and a few other escorts. . . My first thought was that I'd found myself in a harem. He was on the couch and all of us, 20 girls in all, were at his disposition."

While the presence of lesbians probably seems relatively inconsequential, it might upset Italian citizens who were otherwise willing to dismiss heterosexual escapades. And as the Guardian reports, Berlusconi can say good-bye to a recent break from bad press: "The publication of D'Addario's book will divert public attention back to the affair after a period in which the focus had been on another sex scandal involving the former center-left governor of the region around Rome. Piero Marrazzo resigned after being filmed taking drugs and having sex with a transsexual." Mama mia.

How Do I Handle This Strip Club Situation?

Tres Community — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:00:15 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

First of all my husband and I have been married for half of a year now. He's in the Navy and just got deployed, but right before the deployment he was sent to Hawaii for one day. I dropped him off at the airport and it was so hard for me to let him go. He called from Hawaii and we talked for five minutes then he said he had to go and he would call back.

As I was checking our bank account to check on the bills I noticed he had paid to go in to some type of club. While crying my eyes out because of how much I already missed him and knowing he wasn't coming home any time soon, I waited for him to call back. When he finally did I got him to tell me the truth and it turned out to be a strip club. This was his first time going into a strip club. The problem is that I feel so offended and disrespected. I know I'm not unattractive, and I'm very open minded in our sex life. So to me it seems as if I'm not enough for him, and that he didn't care about how I feel about strip clubs. The fact that he was lusting over those girls makes me so angry and upset.

To see the rest, .

When we talked I was so mad and disappointed and couldn't stop crying. But after a while I realized that I've been told not to say anything negative or upsetting to him since he was going on deployment to a very stressful environment. I won't be able to talk to him at all while he's gone, I can only send emails but I can't confront him there either. So I had to pretend that I got over it and that I was OK, so he wouldn't feel bad and guilty. But in reality I feel so disgusted and can't take the thought of him wanting someone else. I'm alone and don't have any family here, this is our first deployment and I'm still trying to handle it. He made things so much worse for me, now I'm not just worried about his safety, but also at the thought of when he goes to a port he's going to cheat on me. I'm just hurt and feel resentment towards him, but for as long as he's out I have to pretend I'm fine and support him through the emails. I know some people might think I'm over reacting, but to me this is just like cheating.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

Hump Day: Sex Makes Her Uncomfortable

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:30:23 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:
I'm 24 and in my first relationship. I really like the guy, we've been going out for six months, but I get nervous whenever he slips his hand under my underwear. He gets the hint and stops. I don't mind him doing other things (we haven't slept together yet), but I wish I wasn't such a prude. I don't know what he expects and I worry that he will be grossed out, as I only shave/wax the bikini line but not the whole thing. What if he thinks it is ugly? I also don't know what I should expect; he knows I'm a virgin, but I don't know how to speak to him about why I get uncomfortable, and I don't know how to overcome it! I also have a few stretch marks and worry that he will be grossed out by them. Please help?

To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more.

Thank you for sharing this challenging situation. I know that it can be scary to talk about things like this, but these are all really common thoughts.

One of the things that can help when you’re on the edge of your comfort zone is to take it very slowly. It’ll probably help to tell your guy about your discomfort, even if you can’t tell him why it’s there. You could simply say "I have a lot of discomfort around sex." You also might want to do a little solo exploration. It takes the pressure off because there aren’t any partner expectations. Check out the wonderful book Becoming Orgasmic. If you’re looking for tips or ideas for techniques, Tickle Your Fancy is full of suggestions. Once you know a bit more about what you like or dislike, you and your boyfriend might be able to find something that you both like to do.

It’s worth mentioning that vulvas come in all different shapes. (The vulva is the external female anatomy. The vagina is the inside part.) There’s a long history of negative attitudes towards the vulva, but each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. A lot of women have the idea that there’s something wrong with their vulvas because they don’t look like what we see in porn or because they have hair, and I think that’s unfortunate. I strongly recommend getting to know your parts and Scarleteen has a great site about that. It’s geared towards teens, but there's lots of amazing info about sex, bodies, and pleasure.

Another option would be to explore some of these concerns with a therapist. When you have an itch on your back, you need someone else to scratch it. Therapists help us by reaching the spots we can’t reach on our own. Lastly, depending on where you are, you could join a body-image support group. While they tend not to focus on sexuality, they can be an incredibly helpful way to work through our concerns about our bodies and how we (or other people) feel about them.

Working through these challenges isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Whatever route you choose, I hope you find the pleasure and joy that you deserve.

Ask an Agnostic: I Cheated on My Husband and Feel Guilty

TresSugar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.

Signed,
Guilty as Sin

To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more

Dear Guilty,

I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.

I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."

Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency - they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.

You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.

One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.

This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.

What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.

Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.

Awkward! I Feel Guilty For Believing Hateful Gossip

TresSugar — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Thanks to a reader with an issue (sorry, reader!), we have an awkward scenario for you that she needs you to weigh in on.

"I recently discovered that a friend had been lying and conning me for about eight years. As the friendship dissolved, I realized she'd played everyone in her life against the others, to the point of telling people I had been abusing her daughter.

During the friendship, she told me horror stories about a friend that I met through her. As with most con artists, her lies were based on readily available information, making them seem very plausible. Because of this, I told the mutual friend I thought she was neglecting her son and being a bad parent. Now that I don't believe a word this con artist has ever told me, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and regret having accused and lectured the mutual friend.

This mutual friend (who is still friends with the con artist) cut off all ties with me, but should I reach out to her and explain everything or let it rest? The ex-friend has been telling terrible lies about me since I stopped talking to the mutual friend."

Hump Day: I Don't Like Hormonal Birth Control, So Now What?

TresSugar — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day,TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“I went to my OBGYN to ask about non-hormonal birth control. (The Pill basically ruined my sex drive.) She pushed the Pill and the Nuva Ring, and said that condoms have a 15 percent failure rate. I don’t like that she was pushing hormonal birth control. Is it possible for hormonal birth control to lower your desire, and if I don’t want to use it, what’s my best, and safest, bet?”

To hear Dr. Glickman's advice, read more

Unfortunately, yes, birth control pills can lower libido. There are at least a couple of reasons for that. First, the Pill inhibits the production of androgens by your ovaries, including testosterone. While ovaries don’t produce as much testosterone as testicles do, it’s still an important part of women’s sexual arousal. The Pill also seems to increase the production of sex-hormone binding globulin (SHBG). SHBG binds to testosterone, which further reduces the amount of it that you have available. On top of that, an article published in the 2006 Journal of Sexual Medicine found that some of these changes may last for quite a while after you stop taking the Pill. Some women report that the NuvaRing has similar effects, although others don’t have any change in their libidos and others actually have an increase in sex drive.

15 percent is a bit higher than many estimates for condom failure rates, but part of why it’s hard to pin down more precisely is that many of the reasons for condoms not working is user error. Here are some tips on reducing the odds of that happening. And since each brand of condom is a bit different, this page has lots of advice for finding the right one for you.

Even though condoms aren’t 100 percent effective at preventing pregnancy, they go a long way towards lowering your risk for sexually transmitted infections. But if your focus is on contraception rather than STI prevention, there are some other options. Intrauterine devices (IUDs) are a lot more effective and safer than is popularly believed. They are currently available with or without hormones, although it’s worth noting that the level of hormones that end up in your system is a lot lower than what you get from the Pill and the non-hormonal IUDs can cause heavier menstrual bleeding or cramps.

Unfortunately, most of the more effective forms of contraception either include some form of hormones or are irreversible. The only other way to avoid pregnancy is to keep sperm from coming into contact with the ovum. Obviously, condoms do that, but if you want other options, you might want to check out cervical caps which have about a 10 percent failure rate if you’ve never given birth vaginally and a 25 percent failure rate if you have. (You can reduce that with a spermicide.) You could also check out the vaginal contraceptive film, a strip of spermicide that you insert into the vagina where it melts and provides up to three hours of protection. It also turns out that withdrawal is more effective than was previously thought, with an 18 percent pregnancy rate. Since these other approaches are clearly less effective than implants, the Pill or other hormonal methods, a lot of people use more than one. Condoms plus cervical caps or condoms plus withdrawal improves your odds a lot.

I’d really like to see some other forms of birth control that don’t mess with women’s hormones; so many women report having all sorts of side effects. There are some gel products being developed that will (hopefully) be effective as both contraception and STI preventatives and at least some of them are working their way through clinical trials. So eventually, there will be something better for you but in the meantime, I hope this helps.

Ask an Accountant: Should I Let My Boyfriend Smoke Pot?

TresSugar — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 06:00:46 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, an accountant advises a woman who's having a tough time with her boyfriend's pot smoking. Want to throw your hat into the ring? You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:
My boyfriend of over three years has been smoking pot since he was a teenager. I knew this before we started dating, but really thought he would quit by now. He is now 32 years old and still smokes multiple times a day. I've already talked to him about how I don't like it at all and wish he would quit. He then argues that it is better to smoke pot than to drink alcohol or do other heavier drugs. I see his friends that have families and they smoke around their babies and toddlers, but I do not want our kids (if we ever have any) to be exposed to it. Should I put my foot down harder or just let him have his "hobby"?

Signed,
Feeling Low

To see the accountant's answer, read more.

Dear Feeling Low,

It may be true that someone who smokes a lot of pot is no worse than someone who drinks a lot of alcohol, but you are wise to consider your future.

Now unless you are really warped, having kids usually makes you grow up and become responsible to some extent. But since you and he hang around others that haven't changed, my guess is that you can't count on a baby to stop the drug habit.

Now consider some really hard facts. Having kids will cost a lot, and smoking pot will really cut into your diaper budget. Since weed doesn't come with a filter, he is wrecking his health. Not to mention, lung cancer kills! So do you really want your boyfriend to increase his chances of contracting this nasty disease in the future? And don't forget about paying for all that extra medical attention. I don't know about you, but I think that insurance companies take our medical premiums and then tell us it isn't covered when we get sick. Besides, when was the last time you paid less when you went to the doctors? Cut out the weed and you can plow that money into a 401K so that when you retire you won't have to work a part-time job as a Wal-Mart greeter!

The bottom line, as we accountants like to put it, is that you need to find a new boyfriend and hang around with folks that get high on life. Ask yourself the question: how much do I love myself? Take it from a CPA, if you value yourself, the choice to move on with a new guy should add up and pay you many dividends in the future. Good luck!

Signed,
The CPA (Certified Pot Adviser)

Ask a Rambling Storyteller: How Do I Get Out of My Rut?

TresSugar — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a rambling storyteller advises a woman who is in a major life rut. Want to throw your hat into the ring? You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I'm in a rut. But it's worse than that, I'm stuck because I realized that I have no goals. I am 30-years-old and in my twenties two things happened. The first thing is that I worked dang hard to get two university degrees. I picked a field that I did well in academically (journalism), but when I entered the work force I realized I couldn't hack the competitive atmosphere and the lack of creativity. The second thing that happened was that I got sick. I was diagnosed with a painful autoimmune disease that left me in pain and frequently bedridden.

When I was sick I was miserable, but the drug that I was prescribed made me CRAZY. And it made me gain weight. I was depressed and anxious and didn't want to see friends or family, I felt like a loser because I didn't want to see anyone, didn't feel attractive, and felt like a failure because I gave up stressful journalism for a super boring marketing job. So fast-forward a couple of years to today.

Today, I'm healthy. I'm off the prescription that made me nutty. My mood is great. I feel more like myself than I have in YEARS. But the thing is . . . I've spent so much time with my health as my number one priority that everything else has been stagnating. I'm in a job that I find boring, I still have friends - but now that I've poked my head out of the sand I'm feeling out of step, especially as many are now in serious relationships and have seriously good careers. I feel like I'm behind, but the thing is I don't know what to do. I'm drifting, and I'm starting to get anxious! Can anybody help me figure out how to get my confidence back and get a plan together?

Signed, In a Rut

To hear what a Rambling Storyteller has to say, read more

Hi In a Rut:

The answer to your problem lies at Ponderosa. Stay with me. I want you to picture yourself at Ponderosa. You go there because everyone says steak is very delicious, and you like delicious things, so you’ve been planning to order a T-bone. In fact, you have been preparing to eat a steak for so long that you’re sweating A-1. So you go to the restaurant, but then you realize that - oh crap! - someone has pickpocketed your wallet. So you chase the crook, and it’s exhausting, but you finally nab her and get your wallet back.

With that ordeal over, you want to sit down, but a bunch of other customers have snagged tables - and most of them are already on to dessert, those jerks. FINALLY you get a table and order the steak you’ve been craving. But when it comes out, it looks like braised mouse and tastes like a sweaty toupee. You stare at it and think, “Ugh, I don’t want this at all.”

Now, is it your fault that you were delayed by a stickyfingered crook? Or that the tables were filled by customers who started eating way before you did? Or that it turns out that steak isn’t delicious to you? I bet you can easily realize that no, none of this is your fault. So why are you being so hard on the Ponderosa that is your life?

Let’s review what you’ve told me: You were diagnosed with a painful disease, and the recovery process was not easy. Yet you managed to triumph. You thought you wanted to be the next Helen Thomas, but actually, you don’t, and that’s okay. How about giving yourself some compassion and credit for being handed more to deal with than most and handling it well? Of course other people are doing other things with their personal lives and careers. That’s because they’re not you. They didn’t beat back a disease, and they didn’t realize that they want to do a different kind of work. Different situations, different places in life, so ditch this “I’m behind” talk.

If you keep comparing yourself to others, you will never be satisfied. Ever. Stop doing that and start living each day like you’re going to kick ass - because, honestly, you’ve been given a second chance at a healthy life, and you’ll thrive by focusing on the opportunities ahead of you rather than ones you’ve missed in the past.

So, how do you regain your confidence and get going again? Whenever you start comparing yourself to others, stop those thoughts in their tracks and remind yourself that you’re on your own path. Focus on your personal situation, your experiences, and your goals. Start with what you do know: You don’t want to be a journalist, and you don’t want to do the snoozeville job you’re doing. So what things interest you? What is your passion? Could you add some volunteer work to your schedule, take a class somewhere, or otherwise follow what you like to do? Doing that will help you figure out what to do for work, and it’s bound to boost your confidence and self-esteem. That, in turn, will help you get ready for a great relationship when it happens.

Going back to the Ponderosa allusion, you might not want steak, but hey, look, there’s a huge all-you-can-eat salad bar! Approach the salad bar of life, dear reader. Sample a little of this, a little of that, and you’ll start figuring out what does taste good to you. (Just stay away from the croutons. Stale bread helps nobody.)

Signed,

A Rambling Storyteller