TresSugar

Which Comes First? Showering or Passing Gas

DearSugar — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 15:00:00 -0800

Once the awkwardness of the first few weeks of dating subsides, your comfort level increases, which makes it easier to share more intimate moments. The things you do with your new guy require a certain degree of openness and trust, so tell me, which came first in your relationship: showering together or tooting in front of each other?

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Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina - it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember - you want it to be fun!

Tech Dating 101: Changing Your Relationship Status

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Spring has sprung, and it's not only the time for budding flowers and April showers, it's the time of budding romances too! But with so much new technology out there, the art of dating has become more complicated than ever - we can totally feel Drew Barrymore's pain in He's Just Not That Into You when she laments about having to keep up with several different technologies just to get rejected.

So in the face of this uncharted territory, geeksugar and DearSugar are teaming up to bring you a series about love and the technologies that connect us called Tech Dating 101. We'll answer some of the burning questions you might have about both subjects, like our first question this week:

How long should I wait to change my status from "Single" to "In a Relationship" after I begin dating someone?

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Oh how I wish there was a concrete answer for this one, because I get asked this all the time. But as you know, all relationships progress at different speeds, so you really have to look at it on a case-by-case basis. If you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, I don't think you should think twice about changing your status, but before making any announcements to the world wide web, be sure you and your love interest are on the same page. If you're both willing to make the change, do it together and consider it another step in the right direction. Just make sure you're confident in the future of your relationship, as it could be rather embarrassing to have to change your status back to "single" a few weeks later.

If your guy is not willing to let go of his single status, however, you might want to reevaluate the relationship. I'd take his hesitation as a telltale sign that he's either not ready to make a commitment to you, or he's not willing to expose your relationship to his family and friends.

While this seems like a simple task, I do understand what a big step this is. At the end of the day, you're going to have to communicate with your partner and do whatever feels right for you and your relationship. Or, you could always take the easy way out and leave your relationship status blank!

To find out what geek has to say about relationship status, and how to tell from your tech habits if you're officially taken, head on over to geeksugar.

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The How-To Lounge: Bridal Shower Etiquette

DearSugar — Mon, 12 May 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Traditionally a bridal shower is an opportunity for women to get together to "shower" the bride in the presents that she’ll need to make a home. While certainly times have changed in terms of wedding etiquette, generally, bridal showers have remained the same. To find out some basic shower etiquette and ways to make this traditional event more contemporary, read more.

Typically the shower is thrown and planned by the maid of honor and/or a female relative - the bride’s mother may be involved in the planning, but she's not in charge of the occasion.
Women who are not invited to the wedding should not be asked to attend the bridal shower. However, of the wedding invitees, feel free to ask everyone from coworkers to great-grandmothers.
Nowadays, it’s not uncommon to have a co-ed shower, which is usually thrown at night and is more similar to a traditional engagement party. But if you're planning the occasion, be sure to check in with the bride and groom and see what works for them.
Showers usually take place four to eight weeks before the wedding day in order to ensure the bride isn’t completely overwhelmed with scheduling right before the big day. If multiple showers are being thrown, the more time that’s given the better. You want the bride’s shower to be special, not another thing she has to stress over.
Formal invitations are expected for bridal showers. If you're following a specific theme, make sure to either utilize it in the look of the invitation or mention it within. While the invites can include an insert mentioning the couple’s website and gift registry, it's best not to include that information on the invitation itself.
Though many showers incorporate games and themes, neither of these are necessary. Just make sure that whatever is chosen works for the brides and keeps in mind that women of all ages will be attending.

Bridal showers may not be as exciting a bachelorette party, but they should still be fun, so don't be afraid to think outside of the box and try something totally untraditional!

To see all of our wedding coverage, check out IDoSugar.com.

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Sunday Confessional - I Lost the Bracelet My Boyfriend Gave Me!

DearSugar — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I celebrated Christmas together for the first time last December. Though we are both watching our spending, we decided to go all out. I got him an awesome new suitcase that he had his eye on, and he got me a beautiful bracelet from my favorite boutique. I couldn't have asked for a more thoughtful gift - I absolutely love it and I wear it every day!

The other night, on our way home from drinks with friends, my boyfriend looked down at my wrist and asked me why I wasn't wearing the bracelet. My heart sank - I was wearing it - it must have fallen off. In an effort to not upset him, I told him that I had forgotten to put it back on after I got out of the shower.

First thing the next morning, I called the boutique where he got it and asked if they had any more left. They didn't, but the sales woman told me they could special order another one for me. I gave her the green light, but it won't get here for another two to three weeks. I don't know how I long I can make up stories before he finds out the truth, but since I lied to my boyfriend's face when he originally asked me where it was, I feel like I need to keep up the charade as long as I can. I don't condone lying and have made that very clear ever since we first started dating, so can I be forgiven for being a complete hypocrite?

Submit your own Sunday Confessionals here and see if you are forgiven!

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This Week With DearSugar

DearSugar — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 04:00:00 -0800

If you're struggling with your weight, check out E. Jean's plan - it just might do the trick!
Don't miss my January must haves.
Make sure you know the facts about genital herpes.
Which comes first: showering together or passing gas in front of each other?
If you're suffering from the post-holiday blues, don't forget about these five things you have to look forward to this January.
Would you have a joint bachelorette/bachelor party with your fiance?
Do you expect your man to walk on the curb side when he's with you?
Has anyone ever read your diary?

You Asked: Is This Just a Fling?

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Recently, I had a new employee hired under me; he's friends with my boss. At first he was just a flirt, but as time went on my attraction grew, and before I knew it we kissed one day, and it was like fireworks went off. After that kiss, we began talking every day, texting, and emailing, and then eventually sleeping together. We have the greatest chemistry and when we're together, I just melt! It's been about five months and we have had sex repeatedly. Sometimes I cook dinner and he will come over or sometimes we just cuddle and relax on the sofa without any intimacy.

We are compatible and I've grown to really like him, but I am beginning to think he is either losing interest or possibly dating someone else as my strong feelings are not being reciprocated as I'd like. We usually have sex at least once a week; however, it's been about a month and a half since the last time. I don't see him much any more outside of work. He doesn't come by my place nor do we go out anywhere. On the weekends he always has an excuse for not being able to do anything . . .

I have asked him if he was seeing someone and he says no. But why else would he be pulling away? The crazy thing is, in the office, he acts like everything is OK, showering me with attention throughout the day. So why the sudden changes? What should I do?

- Office Love Laura

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Office Love Laura,

These are the perils of a work relationship. It sounds as though your co-worker is trying to break up without formally ending your relationship as that might cause drama in the workplace. Essentially, it doesn't matter why he's doing it - another person, disinterest, or sudden concerns of work-related issues - only that he's giving you the cues that from his end, it's over. I would guess that his nice behavior in the office is an attempt to keep things friendly between you two.

It's frustrating and, I'm sure, disappointing. Although it might seem satisfying to continue to confront him until you get an answer, I think from a professional standpoint it's far better to just back off and mentally put an end to things. It may be a challenge, but it's important that you don't let this relationship interfere with your job. And if he comes around again, certainly use caution.

Source

You Asked: My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Fat

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I entered a relationship with my current boyfriend while I was recovering from a long-term eating disorder. I never really went into detail with him, but I did tell him I was gaining weight to be healthier. I went from 80 pounds at five feet, one inch at the very beginning of our relationship to 92 pounds now. He never said anything negative about the gain - he actually said I was looking better. But earlier this week, we were in the shower together and he told me I would look better if I lost a couple of pounds.

I was incredibly hurt and could hardly speak to him for a while. I eventually explained my situation and told him that losing weight would be dangerous to my health (I gave myself a heart condition). He took what he said back and told me not to lose any weight and told me that he loves me the way I am, but I can't help but realize he's just putting aside his initial reaction to make sure I don't hurt myself. How do I handle this? - Healthy Weight Heidi

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Healthy Weight Heidi,

Let me first say that you're doing the right thing for your body by gaining the weight and living a healthier lifestyle - I don't need to tell you how much long-term damage you could do by succumbing to an eating disorder. I also commend you for being honest with your boyfriend. I know it must have been hard to open up about such a personal issue.

With that said, I think the only way to move on from your boyfriend's statement is to talk it out with someone. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him, confide in a girlfriend, your family, or a therapist. Confidence plays a huge role in eating disorders so it's important not to let him make you feel insecure - I'm sure you look amazing just the way you are!

We all say things we don't mean sometimes and I know the damage has already been done, but if you hold on to his hurtful words, it'll just make things worse. Decide if you want to forgive him, and talk about your concerns with your loved ones. An eating disorder won't go away overnight, so lean on your loved ones for support and keep well.

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Bringing Spontaneity Into Your Relationship

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Spontaneity is essential in keeping the fire alive and without it, a relationship can get to be unbearably twiddle-your-thumbs boring. Even if you're not the impulsive type, you can still bring a little spontaneity into the mix - it just may be something you have to work a little harder at. Here are some ideas to get you going.

On a regular morning, while your lover is taking a shower before work, why not slip into the shower with him? You don't have to engage in a 3-hour lovemaking session that you clearly don't have time for, but a little naked intimacy is a sure way to feel close and connected.
Leave him a sexy note. Put it somewhere he won't suspect, like on the dashboard of his car, hidden inside his closed laptop, or in his coat pocket. List all the things you love about him and give him something to look forward to when he gets home!

Need some more ideas? Then read more.

Plan a weekend away at a hotel or BB. It doesn't have to be far away, or even at some exotic drop-dead gorgeous beach or mountainside, it can be right in your own town. Pack a suitcase for the both of you, pick him up from work, and blindfold him to add to the anticipation. A new place is always exciting, and the time away can clear your minds so that the two of you can focus on having fun together and deepening your relationship.
Schedule a date to do something crazy you've both never tried before. Take water-skiing lessons, go surfing, take a helicopter ride, or go horseback riding. Sharing new experiences with someone you love is a sure way to bring you closer together.

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Group Therapy: Still bitter and needing your thoughts

Thu, 19 Apr 2007 16:00:00 -0700

I was married 8 months ago, but am still bitter about how my guests/friends acted around my wedding. I have thought about this and wondered if I am overreacting, but I really don't think I am, and I don't know what the problem is except that I am hurt. I really don't need people to tell me to let it go, because I know I should to a point. I haven't, and am needing to vent and get advice other than, just let it go.

Click here to

Around the time of my wedding, my friends totally turned the other way and became unsupported and caddy. I had 2 showers for 2 separate groups of people. At one of the showers one of my very good friends told me it was all so awkward and weird to be at a shower for me. What the heck does that mean? It isn't a keg party, it is a shower. Also, I overheard one of the girls making fun of my BM dresses. At that shower my friends and bridal party (not the older ladies) acted like it was a pain to even be there. I felt really sorry for my family, and it really hurt me. Oh, and I overheard one of the girls telling another girl that I was having many showers but she was only invited to one. Do people not understand that different showers are for different groups of people and it would be almost rude to invite people to all of them (remember I had 2 only)?? Even my in-laws who I had just met asked me why my friends and bridal party were being so rude to me.

So, I went on like nothing had happened. At my wedding we tried to provide anything and everything that would make our guests have fun and feel comfortable. Several of my friends I have seen dress nicely for other weddings didn't dress up at all. None of my girlfriends took pictures of us together like they ALWAYS do at weddings. Everyone left early so we had to shut the reception down early and I only had a few people left to throw the "rice" and see us off. Also, barely anyone brought us gifts. Maybe 15 people out of 90 did. My family and his co-workers did, but none of my friends brought anything. No cards, no gifts. I don't want it to sound like I was in it for gifts because that was not the case, but come on! No card. I think it is so rude. My bridal party gave us nothing (they didn't stay until the end either), and my friends gave us nothing. I have gone to other people's weddings with these same friends since and I have watched them bring other people cards or gifts. I really don't understand and it is still bugging me. I am still friends with these people, but feel like I want to put less into our friendships because I think they are less quality (not as good of people) than I previously thought. I resent them very much. Help!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]