TresSugar

2008's Most Popular Sexual Position

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 07:30:00 -0800

It was clearly difficult for you to chose just one favorite sexual position in '08, since many of you wanted an option for all of the above! The results came in incredibly close, but the winner - by only two percent - is doggie style, with girl on top and missionary making it a true race. I'm glad to hear that you're getting it on, but remember to be safe, and more importantly, have fun in '09!

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What Was Your Favorite Sexual Position in 2008?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:00:00 -0800

Since most of you are coupled up, figuring out how to keep the fire burning is essential for a happy, long-lasting relationship. I know many people that make it a point to experiment in the bedroom to avoid a sex slump - a win-win if you ask me! - but even if you mix things up, I'll bet you still have a favorite position. So tell me . . .

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Doggie Style: Sexy or Degrading?

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Although some people think this specific sexual position has a demeaning name, Katherine Heigl's character from Knocked Up to name one, doggie style can be just as pleasurable as any other position. In fact, it's a favorite for many couples I know! Of course, it has its upsides and downsides, but tell me ladies, are you a fan of doggie style? Does experimenting with this position turn you on or does the lack of eye contact and inability to kiss your partner steer you away from this submissive position altogether?

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Hump Day: What to Do When He's Not Well Endowed

TresSugar — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 08:00:24 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!
Today's question:
What are some good techniques to use with a partner who has a relatively small penis?

To see Dr. Glickman's answer, read more.

There are a few different things you could try to make intercourse better. The first thing is to have lots of buildup for both of you. The more excited he is, the harder his erection will be. That can maximize the sensations for you since the vagina tends to be most sensitive near the opening. And the closer you are to orgasm before intercourse, the easier it might be to have an orgasm once he’s inside you.

Some positions may work better for you than others. If you try rear entry (aka doggie style) and arch your back, you’ll probably be able to get deeper penetration. Some women report that crossing their legs (after he’s inside) in this position makes things snugger, which creates more intense sensations for both people. If you prefer face to face contact, prop your hips up on a pillow or the amazing Wedge. Bending your legs so your knees are against your chest also maximizes penetration. Since both the vagina and the penis vary in dimensions, you’ll have to experiment a bit to find the ones that feel best to you. Sadie Allison’s book Ride’Em Cowgirl is full of useful tips and fun ideas.

If you’re having trouble getting enough stimulation for your pleasure, you can always make sure that you get your needs taken care of first or keep the fun going after his orgasm. There’s a commonly held belief that simultaneous orgasm is the ultimate sexual experience, and while it can be fun, if that ideal is getting in the way, then ditch it. If he gives you oral sex or uses his hands first and then you switch to intercourse (or vice versa), then you’re both getting pleasured and I think that’s a great thing.

Quite a few partners of men with smaller penises find that oral sex can be a lot easier. After all, if you have a sensitive gag reflex or a narrow jaw, a smaller penis can be much more fun to play with. I definitely encourage you to get creative when it comes to blow jobs. Check out this excellent DVD on oral sex. Similarly, a slender penis can make anal sex more pleasurable, too. While a lot of people aren’t into anal play, if you happen to be, you might find that it feels better when you’re with someone on the slimmer side of things. You can check out this DVD on anal play.

As you can see, there are lots of choices. You may need to talk with each other to figure out what will work best for the two of you. While you might have some worries about talking with your guy about his penis size, I can guarantee that he already knows about it. If you approach the conversation from a desire to make sure that you’re both having fun, it’ll go a lot better. And whatever you do, don’t make fun of him or shame him for his body. Lots of men are hyper-sensitive about penis size and that’s not going to be a constructive thing to do.

Lastly, for the record, most penises are about five-six inches (12.7-15.24 cm) long and about five inches (12.7 cm) around. Lots of people have distorted expectations about penis size, especially if they watch porn. But a lot of people in porn movies (both male and female) are short - it makes penises look larger, just as they used to make cowboy movie sets small to make the actors look bigger. That sort of forced perspective is a trick of the camera, and unfortunately, it can lead to unrealistic expectations.

I hope that helps. Have fun!

Hump Day: How Can I Become Multi-Orgasmic?

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I keep hearing about women who can have 'multiple orgasms' and I can't figure out exactly what this means. Does it mean a woman who can have more than one orgasm in a night? One orgasm after another with little downtime? (Is that even possible? Most women are so sensitive after having an orgasm!) Anyway, if it exists, is there a way I can become multi-orgasmic?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

Part of the challenge in defining “multiple orgasms” is that different people use the term to mean different things. For some women, it means more than one orgasm during a single sex session, whether they’re 5 minutes or 30 minutes (or more) apart. For other women, it means one after another, without much time between them.

You’re right that many women are extra sensitive after an orgasm, but not everyone. In fact, some women find that they can just keep going, especially if they change what they’re doing. For example, someone might find that she can have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then switch to penetration for a second one. Or maybe she might have one orgasm from oral sex, take a break for a bit with something else to keep the passion up, and then go back to oral sex for a second orgasm. And there are women out there who don’t need a break after one orgasm before they start building towards a second one.

Not all women can become multi-orgasmic, but many women can. Some women find that their ability to be multi-orgasmic can change over time, too. So if it doesn’t happen for you now, don’t stress about it. You may find that in a few years, something changes and suddenly, it falls into place.

One really great place to look for more info on how to do it is Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. He approaches sex from the Taoist tradition, which works with sexuality as a form of energy that we can learn to channel, harness, and expand. If you’re familiar with energetic practices such as yoga, this perspective might be familiar. He has a book for men and one for male/female couples, too.

Another place you could look for information about this is Tantra. While most people only know about Tantra as a laundry list of sex positions from the Kama Sutra, there’s actually a lot more to it than that. Tantra is a set of practices that teach you to work with your sexual energy and it can help you expand your ability to experience pleasure, deepen intimacy, and have multiple orgasms. There are some good books like Urban Tantra and Tantric Sex for Women, as well as some DVDs.

In my experience, the best way to learn about Tantra is through experiential workshops because these are techniques that are much easier to understand when someone is demonstrating them. Most Tantra classes are fully-clothed and many are designed for people to come solo, while others are for couples. You can find out more about Tantra or look for workshop teachers on www.tantra.com.

One thing that I do want to be clear on: not everyone can become multi-orgasmic. If it doesn’t happen for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve seen a lot of people become very goal-oriented about it and they often end up sabotaging themselves because they’re not actually enjoying the sex that they’re having. So I encourage you to try it out and see what works for you, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

What's Your Favorite Sex Position?

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Oct 2007 08:00:00 -0700

The older I get the more comfortable I am with experimenting in the bedroom. New positions always add some excitement to the relationship, and unless they require an absurd amount of strength or pretzel-like flexibility, I'll give it a-go.

Interesting positions are fun to try as far as foreplay goes, but when it comes down to having an orgasm, I'm a fan of the more traditional ones. How about you? What's your favorite sex position?

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Oh Snap! Larger Than Life Love

TresSugar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:00:00 -0700

Two statues kiss at South Korea's outdoor sex-themed sculpture park, which sits on an island often visited by local honeymooners. The park displays 140 sculptures depicting people in a variety of sexual positions, and visitors can also watch films on sex education. Check out some of the more PG exhibits.

View 5 Photos ›

Rape Victim Denied Healthcare For Taking Anti-AIDS Drug

TresSugar — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:00:00 -0700

I'll admit that I didn't know anything about the anti-AIDS medication given to rape victims until someone I know had to take it. The preventative drug cocktail, which must be started within 72 hours of exposure and taken over 28 days, is given as emergency treatment to people who might have been exposed to the HIV virus, often victims of rape.

Thanks to the debate raging over healthcare reform, it has come out that health insurance companies deny patients health insurance because they took the medication. At least that's what happened to Christina Turner. After being drugged by two strangers, Christina had physical injuries indicating that she had probably been sexually assaulted. Her doctor prescribed her the anti-AIDS medication, but she soon found out that taking it made her uninsurable. When she lost her coverage for an unrelated reason, Christina went out to purchase a new policy. Insurance companies examined her health records and found the anti-AIDS prescription. They told her that it raised too many health questions, and that she might be able to come back for coverage in a few years if she could prove she was AIDS free. They didn't seem to care that Christina had never contracted HIV.

It horrifies me that a woman who has been a victim of sexual assault can have that tragic experience held against her by health insurance companies. And I also can't help but think of what Christina's story means for people who are actually HIV positive. If Christina was penalized for merely taking this medication, it surely must be harder to get coverage if you are already living with the disease. What is your reaction to all of this?

Hump Day: I Feel Used When I Have Sex With the Man I Love

TresSugar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"After five years of being apart, I'm now re-dating my high school sweetheart whom I love. We lost our virginities to each other, and even during those five years we continued to have sex every now and then when we were single and managed to see each other. (We went to colleges in different cities.)

Now that we are together again, we've decided to wait a while before we have sex, but that does not mean that I don't find him attractive or that I don't sometimes just want to rip off his clothes. The problem is that one of the last times we had sex (about a year before we officially reconnected), I felt like a prostitute. I don't exactly know why, I just felt used afterwards and it was not enjoyable to me at all. I think part of the reason I say 'prostitute' is because he kept making me change positions and just seemed really into it for himself. I love him and I know that he loves me, but I think I'm having trouble getting over that experience. Even now, he will ask me to dress up for him so he can masturbate, which, as his girlfriend, I would normally be happy to do, but I just get that 'used' feeling again. I feel like a piece of meat, or just an object.

Of course he senses my change in happiness and it ruins the mood. I don't know exactly why I started feeling this way and I don't know how to get over it. I'm so afraid that once we start having sex, I will continue to feel this way. What's wrong with me? Please help!"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more
First thing: there is nothing wrong with you or how you’re feeling. Whatever is going on for him, whatever his intentions or motivations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. There’s a big difference between having uncomfortable feelings and having something be wrong with you.

Second thing: trust how you feel about this. Something in this situation doesn’t feel right to you, and whether that’s about him, you, or the two of you together, your feelings are there to tell you something important. Unfortunately, they don’t always give you a lot of useful information, but they are valuable for making sure that you know that something is going on. In my experience, the best thing to do is listen to that and try to figure out what those feelings are trying to tell you.

It sounds like you have some unresolved feelings from that first experience of feeling like he was using you. When old feelings linger, they can affect how we feel about present-day experiences. Sometimes, that’s because the current situation is a lot like the past one, and at other times, it’s because we project those emotions onto the present even when the circumstances are very different. Either way, the best approach is to create space to talk about them and figure out what you need. I strongly suggest having that conversation with him when you’re not in the middle of the emotion because that makes it easier to talk about what’s going on without getting lost in the feelings.

Since you said that you’re not sure what it was that made that so uncomfortable for you, here are a few questions that might be worth exploring:

What was it about that first time that felt uncomfortable for you? When he was into changing positions so much, what about that made you feel used? Was it how he did it? Something he was saying? If he had said or done something differently, would that have made it better for you? The more you’re able to answer questions like these, the easier it’ll be to talk about your experiences.

Also, I’m not quite clear from how you phrased it, but when he asks you to dress up for him while he masturbates, do you do that? In my book, that counts as sex and I’m wondering how that fits into your mutual decision to hold off on sex. I can totally see how a request like that could trigger that “used” feeling if the two of you are supposed to be waiting. If it feels to you like he’s pushing your boundaries or trying to get you to do something beyond your comfort zone, one of the best things you can do is tell him that you don’t want to do that. If he persists, that’s a big warning sign to end things.

It would be really easy in this sort of situation to imagine all sorts of reasons why he’s acting like this. And while any of those guesses might be accurate to some degree, I want to caution you to try to not jump to conclusions. For example, some possible things that might be prompting him to act like this could be:

Maybe he’s gotten interested in experimenting different ways of having sex and doesn’t know how to start the conversation with you about it, so he’s just going for it. Maybe he’s gotten into porn and is trying to act out what he’s seen on the screen. Maybe he wants to explore some fantasies, his or yours, and hopes that you’ll reciprocate with your ideas. Maybe he’s clueless about how these situations feel to you and thinks that you’re enjoying it as much as he does, at least until it’s obvious that you don’t. Maybe he’s being selfish about your sexual interactions. Maybe he’s hoping that you’ll speak up with ideas of things to do.

Of course, there’s no way to be sure what actually is going on for him unless you ask (and he’s willing to tell you). The longer these things build up, the bigger they get. So as challenging as it may seem to talk about it with him, it’ll be a lot easier if you do it sooner rather than waiting. Take some time to tell him how you’ve been feeling. Find out what his intentions were. Trust your feelings and keep your boundaries solid.

I know that’s all pretty vague and I wish I could give you some more concrete suggestions. But there are too many possibilities for me to be able to steer you more than that. This sounds like a really hard time for you and whatever you decide to do and however things work out, I hope you find the support that you deserve.

And no matter how you feel, there is nothing wrong with you.