TresSugar

You Asked: Is He Off Limits?

DearSugar — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for six years now, but we remain very good friends. I have always had a little crush on his roommate, and just recently we talked about the possibility of taking our relationship to the next level. My ex and I have both dated other people since our split, but is dating his best friend and roommate just totally not allowed? Should I wait until he eventually moves out? - Proceeding Cautiously Cassie

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Dear Proceeding Cautiously Cassie,

Six years is a long time to be broken up with your ex, and while I think it's great that you remain good friends, I think it's high time you move on with your life. Dating his best friend might be a little too close for comfort, but who knows, he might be totally OK with the idea! Before taking this friendship to the next level, I'd talk to your ex about it first and find out where he stands. If he's all for it, great, but if he's opposed, you're going to have to ask yourself which relationship is more important to you. I hope it works out for everyone involved, and good luck to you!

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You Asked: I Don't Want to Overstay My Welcome

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I recently started dating a guy who I click with and have great chemistry with. I live a ways away from where we usually go out, so I spend the night at his place much more than he does mine, despite the fact that he has two roommates. While I have spent the night at a guy's place before, I've never had to deal with roommates and I'm feeling very uneasy about it. I don't want to leave too much there - they only have one bathroom - but I need to start feeling more comfortable. What do you think are the essentials I should keep there, and how can I get over my fear of overstaying my welcome? - Polite Penelope

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Dear Polite Penelope,

Dealing with roommates is definitely a drag when you want some alone time with your boyfriend, but since this is what you have to work with, it's time to make the best of it. I'm happy to hear that you don't want to move too much into their bathroom, but some essentials I'd recommend keeping there are a toothbrush, a hair brush, deodorant, face wash, and a moisturizer. If you want to leave a pair of sweatpants or something to sleep in, share one of his drawers for the time being and let things progress naturally from there.

In terms of etiquette, I'd say don't take too long in the bathroom, don't make a mess in the common areas, and don't hog the television set. Other than that, if your boyfriend wants you there, you shouldn't fear overstaying your welcome! I hope I was of some help.

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You Asked: How Do I Kick Out My Roommate

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I live with my cousin, and moving in with her was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. At first when we sat down and talked about living together, it sounded it like it would work. We came to an understanding about how we would live and things started off well. But then she quit her job, without having a new one lined up, so I've had to fill in the gap in rent that she couldn't afford. Finally another month went by, she managed to get a job, but she still couldn't afford the rent. She wanted to just pay it late, but I told her it would look bad for both of us, and she'd end up with the late fee. So I offered to pay her rent again, but only on the condition she pay me back as soon as possible including the late fee.

She finally got paid, but when she went to pay me back, she only gave me one month's rent, not including the late fee. I tried to rationalize with her about why I should get that money, but she refused. I've hit my limit now and I want her out! She can't even take care of herself and she's completely self-absorbed. I've told her to leave, but she thinks I'm joking. How do I get her to go?

- Roommate Blues Rae

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Dear Roommate Blues Rae,

Regardless of her choosing to pay back the late fee or not, it's clear your roommate is only concerned with what works for her. She's obviously taking advantage of you, and you're right, she needs to move out before you end up losing anymore money or permanently damaging your relationship. If she really won't budge on her own accord, go back and check out your lease agreement. If it only has your name on it, then paying the rent is 100 percent your responsibility and you'll have to force her to leave. It's harder when you're dealing with family, but if I were you I would let her know that you will get higher authority involved if necessary.

If you both signed separate lease agreements for each share of rent, then the circumstances are different. In that case, she's solely responsible for her half. If she doesn't pay her rent, your landlord will have to deal with the situation. Of course, you can always move out. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but in the end, knowing you don't have to deal with her may make the stress of looking for a new place worth it. And remember, if you ever have to work out some kind of financial deal with a friend or family member, always get it in writing.

Source

Handle This: Your Roommate Is Lazy

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

When you first moved in with your friend, you both decided it would be in the best interest of your friendship if together, you sat down and divided the household chores in two. With a firm schedule, nothing would be overlooked and you wouldn’t waste any time wondering who should do what.

But while you’ve followed through on your end of the bargain, your roommate has not. Though she’s managed to do all her chores each week, she does such a poor job, you end up redoing them each time. Yet she still manages to complain about them constantly. How would you handle this?

Source

You Asked: How Do I Kick My Roommate Out?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My roommate moved to Seattle (my town) from Indiana at the end of June after I had secured a lease on an apartment. We had never met before, except online through a mutual hobby. She moved in time to go to an interview for a job she did not end up getting. A month went by before she found work, leaving me to pay the rent in its entirety, with the agreement that she'd pay me back once she found a job. Meanwhile, as she sat at home looking for a job all day, she did nothing to clean the apartment. I would come home from work, do the dishes, clean up the place, make dinner, and then go to bed. Rinse, repeat.

She finally got a job, and then lost it three weeks later. This was not her fault, but regardless, it has been three weeks since she lost her job and she still does not have another. Not even a minimum wage job to tide her over until she finds a web design job she wants. And yet again, she fails to do anything around the apartment.

I can't stand the fact that I'm living with someone I find to be irresponsible. In addition to the lack of cleaning, lack of job, and lack of ability to pay rent on time, I hate her dog. I walk in every night and the dog is all over me. She doesn't do anything to stop it, so I always feel like the bad guy for disciplining it. We are both on the lease. I've already inquired about switching roommates and the landlord said it wouldn't be a problem, but how do I tell her I want her out? She has no money and no job, but I'm simply miserable! - At My Wits End Emma

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Dear At My Wits End Emma,

Yikes, your situation really does sound miserable. While I understand helping your roommate once, there's absolutely no reason why you should be carrying the weight yet again, so it's time to put your foot down and be firm with her. Everyone knows it's a difficult time to find a job, but she's a grown adult who should have planned for this, or at least gotten a part-time job in the meantime so she can pay her share of the bills.

This woman has not been taking your feelings into consideration, and while I don't feel that two wrongs make a right, I think you should concentrate on yourself right now. Your home needs to be a place where you're comfortable, and your roommate has to be someone you trust and who respects your living space; she clearly doesn't fit that model.

If I were you, I'd just be honest with her. Tell her that it's simply not working out and you no longer want to live together. If she puts up a stink, be aware that you might be the one that has to move since both your names are on the lease. Regardless of who gets the actual apartment, it's very clear that you two are not meant to be roommates. In order to salvage your relationship (if you even want to), I suggest you broach the subject as soon as possible, because something has got to give! Good luck.

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A Do or a Don't: Living With Friends

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Living with someone can give you an entirely new perspective, and unluckily it’s not always for the best. The close proximity created by a living space creates many opportunities for butting heads, and so I often hear people say that it’s better to live with someone you don’t know, rather than with a friend. It’s easy to lose a bad roommate but harder to lose a good friend.

But I’ve never agreed. I think friends are the ideal roommates, as long as you’re aware that you’ll be facing their good along with their bad. But do you agree? Or do you think it's only a recipe for disaster?

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True Confession - I Lied to My Roommate

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"My roommate brought her Internet date to our place. I totally knew this guy and I finally remembered why - I met him online a year ago and we fooled around a bit after our one and only date. We acted like we didn't even know each other. Since I don't know if their date is going anywhere yet, is it OK that I lied to my friend?"

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Handle This: Your Roommate Has Terrible Hygiene

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

You just moved into a new apartment with another girl. The place was super clean and the girl was nice, so it seemed like the perfect fit. But after only a week living with your roommate, you’re starting to notice something funny - specifically, her smell.

A trail of B.O. seems to follow her everywhere, and you've never actually confirmed that she brushes her teeth. Living in such close quarters you can’t help but be affected by it. It’s really starting to gross you out, so how do you handle this?

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Don't Ask, Can Tell: Sexual Orientation Screening On the Web

LibertySugar — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 09:00:20 -0700

Roommates.com cannot require users looking for roommates to list their sexual orientation. A federal appeals court just ruled that antidiscrimination rules apply to the Internet.

The panel ruled 8-3 that inquiring electronically about sexual orientation is no different than asking someone in person or over the phone whether they are black or Jewish.

Users can offer additional information, including sexual orientation, but the current practice is illegal because "Roommate makes answering the discriminatory questions a condition of doing business." The ruling does not stop users from asking potential roommates about their sexual orientation.

The dissenting judges thought that the "expansion of liability for Internet service providers threatens to chill the robust development of the Internet." Basically - we better not regulate the Internet, or it will stop growing.

Since the Fair Housing Act prohibits such screening in person or over the phone, does it make sense that it also applies to the Internet?

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You Asked: His Roommate Is Affecting Our Relationship

DearSugar — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Last Summer my boyfriend moved in with one of his friends. We are both very busy and usually see each other on the weekends. Most of the time I sleep at his place but things have been strange lately; it seems like my boyfriend's friend is jealous of the relationship we have. He constantly tags along and recently he has been making me feel really uncomfortable by pulling my boyfriend aside to talk to him when I am there or bringing up conversations while intentionally leaving me out of them.

I addressed my feelings with my boyfriend, and he feels that he is in an awkward spot between his girlfriend and his friend. He agrees that he's being rude but he won't make an effort to express that to him. Is it wrong to be angry at my boyfriend for his lack of support? Should I step in and address this problem myself? I just don't know what to do, but it's certainly wearing on our relationship.

- Pushed Aside Alyssa

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Dear Push Aside Alyssa,

In my own experience, I've found that men are very strange when it comes to their friends in relation to their girlfriends. There a certain unspoken rules that really shouldn't be broken, and one of those seems to be about confronting each other about problems, but since this is affecting your relationship, the problem does need to be addressed. You did everything right by asking your boyfriend to speak with his friend on behalf of the both of you, but just because he feels stuck in the middle, it doesn't mean he gets to skip out on handling the issue. I would simply tell your boyfriend that you think it will make things far more awkward if you have to say something yourself, but you will if he doesn't.

If he continues to put up a fuss, try to coach him through the conversation. He should be able to get the point across to his friend without actually saying anything directly. He could just mention that he needs some alone time with his girl; it really can be that simple, or when a conversation comes up that completely excludes you, your boyfriend can do his part to loop you in. If he does it enough, his friend will get the hint!

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