TresSugar

Slow Sex Movement Guru: On Romance and Sex

TresSugar — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:15:00 -0700

"I think that when you actually have raw intimacy, it isn’t sex, it isn’t romance, and it isn’t spirituality - it's just a pure connection."

This is the first in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the first part of the interview and to see a Nightline segment on OneTaste, OMing sessions and Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: What is the goal of the OneTaste retreat center?
Nicole Daedone: I get apprehensive about using the word "revolutionize," but it's to revolutionize the way we look at sex. I think that we've gotten extremely distant from the actual "it" that it is and that it's gotten kind of pathological the further away we've gotten away from the source of it. That's why I like the idea of slow sex. You know, in the same way that we've industrialized food, we've industrialized sex. We've lost the meaning and the meaning really is simple: it's the most elemental energy that allows two people to come together and tune into their own body at the same time, which is a pretty profound thing. I think that we've lost track of that.

TS: In the age of the Internet and easily accessible fast food sex, I could see why slow sex would be important. But I was really struck by a comment on your website when you say that romance and all the expectations around it can also get in the way. I think a lot of heterosexual women feel, "I try to have sex to connect with this person, and sometimes the man is using sex to disconnect from me." So I was curious how you think that women's ideas about romance might actually create a problem, too.
ND: My experience is that romance is, to put it in Buddhist terms, the "near friend." It's when it's so close but it's not the "it" that you're looking for - but it's enough to keep yourself comfortable. And that if you go to the deeper, value-neutral sexuality, you can have romance as a byproduct. But if you go to romance, you aren’t going all the way and you don’t get the value-neutral energy that you can use the sexuality for. And so what I’m interested in is having people go to the raw, rich, nutrient place of sexuality and then learn how to use it for a deeper purpose.

TS: So you would say that the romance part is a delusion in a way?
ND: I don’t know that it's a delusion, but I think that it can be an obstacle in that it can be misused as a means of actually decreasing intimacy. So if I have this idea about who you are and I just keep trying to stuff you into that idea, and not actually discover who you are or have curiosity, that's the biggest danger of romance, that I have an idea of what I want and I keep trying to fit you into it. I don’t relate to the parts of you that don't correspond with the idea.

TS: We're so used to pathologizing male sexuality ("all they’re looking for is sex" or something like that) that I think there is a way in which we don't think about how, for some women, "all they’re looking for is romance" and that, too, may rob them of a true experience with the person.
ND: Exactly. I think that when you actually have raw intimacy, it isn't sex, it isn't romance, and it isn't spirituality - it's just a pure connection.

Do Tell: What's the Strangest Place You Ever Met Someone?

TresSugar — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 09:00:21 -0700

Now that we've all dished about how our parents met, I've been trying to think of the craziest places I've met men I've dated. Then I realized, all of mine are pretty boring: the dorm, the gym, the office, weddings, bars . . . ho hum.

But I do have friends with great stories, including a guy who got a girl's number through a car window while riding across the Golden Gate Bridge (thankfully, he wasn't driving). So I'm hoping you guys have some more interesting stories about the weirder places you've met your mates and dates. What's the most unusual place you've met a potential love interest?

Do Tell: What Is the Last Thing a Man Did to Win You Over?

TresSugar — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 04:00:00 -0700

"Whatever happened to a boyfriend?
The kind of guy who tries to win you over
Whatever happened to a boyfriend?
The kind of guy who makes love 'cause he’s in it
I want a boyfriend, I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit,
Like letters and soda."

- Liz Phair, "F*ck and Run," from Exile in Guyville

What does courtship mean in a world of sexting, casual sex, and going Dutch on the first date? It's been a while since a guy pulled out all the stops to impress me, and although I consider myself a feminist, it's sweetly retro when they do that stuff. What is the last thing a man did to win you over? Did it work?

Source

Where Do You Stand? Going to the Bathroom in Front of Your Significant Other

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 10:30:00 -0700

While I'm all for being completely yourself with your significant other, I also think some things should be off-limits in front of each other, and going to the bathroom is at the top of my list. Yes, it's natural and we all do it, but in order to keep the romance alive, I strongly believe in a closed bathroom door policy! Some couples I know, however, think it's no big deal, so tell me where you stand on going to the bathroom in front of your significant other.

Source

Dear Poll: What Meal Is the Most Romantic?

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 06:00:00 -0800

When you go on a date that involves food, dinner is usually what first comes to mind, but breakfast and lunch dates can be just as fun and romantic. While they all have their ups and downs, I'd choose a dinner date any day of the week - there's just something sexy about sharing a dessert across the table and going out when the lights are dim. That's just my opinion, though, so tell me, which meal do you find the most romantic?

Source

Would You Write Yourself Into a Romance Novel?

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 10:30:52 -0800

Think of it as the literary equivalent of making a sex tape: A company called UStarNovels lets you customize your own erotic stories with the names of you and your partner, the setting, and details of your choice. I know some of you count romance novels among your guilty pleasures, and they can certainly be entertaining. Plus, if reading erotic fiction is something you like to do with your partner, why not have it be about you?

The way it works is, you choose the character names (it could even be a celebrity crush) and offer details like favorite food and music. You can even say how racy you want the love scenes to be. The result is a 160-page-plus novel written to your specs; it costs about $38 and arrives within a week, depending on shipping. I think this is a pretty funny idea and, depending on the writing, it could be really fun and definitely an attention-getting gift. What do you think?

Last Chance To Win a Weekend Away and a $500 Shopping Spree at Agent Provocateur!

DearSugar — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 10:04:59 -0800

You don't have to be lucky in love this February; you just have to be lucky - to win DearSugar's Luxurious Valentine's Day Giveaway, that is! To help you celebrate this intimate holiday, we're giving away the perfect getaway and romance package to get you in the mood for love.

One lucky reader will win the ultimate Valentine's Day package worth over $1,900, which includes a two-night weekend stay at any W Hotel in the US; a $500 shopping spree to my favorite lingerie store, Agent Provocateur (which is sure to help spice up your night!); and six months of a dozen roses and some amazing chocolates, courtesy of OrganicBouquet.com!

To enter to win, simply answer these five questions below that will test your Valentine's Day knowledge, and remember, your eligibility is not based on getting the answers correct. You must be a registered user to enter however, so log in to TeamSugar before taking the quiz, and if you haven’t yet registered, click here to create a profile. For the official rules, click here. The contest is open to US residents only and the lucky winner will be chosen on Wednesday, Feb. 11, at 11:59 p.m. PST so be sure not to miss out on your chance to win this awesome giveaway - good luck!

Take the quiz

Tip No. 2: Surviving Valentine's Day When You're Coupled Up

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

Being in a relationship and sharing your love with someone is an amazing feeling, but keeping the romance alive isn't always easy; it takes work from both people. If you're feeling a little distant from your special someone these days, find each other again this Valentine's Day! Patty Brisben has some ideas on how to do just that, so be sure to read more.

Couples need to get re-familiarized with each other's erogenous zones; hot spots often change over the years and one way to keep on target is to take the time to explore each other's bodies. Treat yourselves to some fun toys and make a night out of it! To further magnify this experience, incorporate a blindfold into the mix!

To see all of Patty's tips, click here.

Source

Tip No. 4 For Avoiding a Holiday Sex Slump

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 07:30:00 -0800

Patty Brisben is back to offer up another tip on how to avoid a sex slump this holiday! Check out her advice below:

Engage in a childlike or lighthearted activity - like building a snowman, going sledding, or even going to an indoor (or outdoor, climate providing) ice rink. It will take you back to playful, more carefree times where you weren’t as bogged down with the mortgage and the daily grind. Many cities also offer romantic horse-driven carriage rides where you can look at the city lights and not be bothered with the outside world.

To learn more about Patty, click here and to visit PureRomance.com, click here. To see her previous tips, click here!

Source

Relationship Protocol: How Do You Keep the Romance Alive When You're Not Getting It On?

DearSugar — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Over the weekend I asked you all to tell me how important sex is in your relationship, and I was surprised to see that it's an infrequent act for many of you. Sure, once the honeymoon period subsides, it's normal for that initial lust to die down, but if you're not connecting physically, there must be other ways you stay in tune with one another. So ladies, tell me, how do you keep the fire, passion, and intimacy alive in your relationship when you're not getting it on?

Source