TresSugar

Is the Recession Ruining Your Sex Life?

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0800

We're all feeling the effects of the bad economy right now - having to cut back on vacations, expensive clothes, and dinners out - but some experts are saying that the recession is affecting people's love lives too. Couples are stressed about money so they're arguing more, going out less, and just not in the mood to have sex. Even though sex can take your mind off your problems, too much stress can be a major turnoff. According to a survey from the Daily Beast, 21 percent of people admitted to having less sex than usual. Some would call that a sexual recession, but what about you? Has the recent economic downtown put a damper on your sex life?

Source

Handle This: He's More Interested in Porn

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

In the past few months your sex life has all but dried up. You’re always trying to initiate things, and you’ve even gone so far as to buy sexy new lingerie, but nothing seems to get your boyfriend interested. When you ask him about it, he says he’s sleep deprived and stressed out.

One night you wake up and realize he’s no longer in bed. Following sounds coming from the living room, you peek in to find him masturbating to porn on his computer, when you haven't had sex in a month! How would you handle this?

Source

You Asked: I'm Not a Fan of His Career Choice

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend is about to own a bar, but we have different views about what that entails. He thinks it's just a place to hang out and de-stress, and he is spending a lot of time trying to plan events. I think owning a bar is providing people with alcohol and taking their money without giving them something good in return. We almost broke up over it and he said that he can't be with someone who doesn't support his career. Everything else with us is great except his job situation so we decided to wait and see how things go. Do you have any advice as to where to go from here?

- Bar Blues Betsey

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Bar Blues Betsey,

Going the entrepreneurial route and opening any business is always a risk. Even if you have a perfectly defined business plan that doesn't mean it's going to work out the way you think it will. And often, the plan has to change along the way. Your boyfriend has a vision for his bar, and I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to make that happen. As far as your differing views about what a bar should be, I think there's a place for both of them.

Obviously to make money, a bar needs to sell drinks, but to get people there and keep them there, it might need a bit more oomph, which is what your boyfriend is looking to achieve. I think the solution is to support his ideas, while also reminding him that a profitable business needs a successful business plan. By telling him you think he's wrong, you're only closing him off from your very legitimate concerns.

As far as your relationship goes, I think there might be more going on here that you guys need to work out. Are you worried that he's going to fail? If so, what does this failure really mean for you and your relationship? I think answering these questions may help you get to the root of your feelings and determine the right way to move forward. I assure you that once the business gets going, things are only going to get more stressful so now is the time to figure out if this is something you can live with or not.

Source

Relationship Protocol: Do You Effectively Communicate Together?

DearSugar — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:00:00 -0700

One of the hardest, but most important parts of a relationship is learning how to communicate effectively when the going gets tough. It’s easy to talk when it’s all sunshine and rainbows, but communicating your feelings to someone else when you’re not even sure what you’re feeling can seem impossible. Ideally, once you're settled into a relationship, you’ve figured out the best way to talk to one another, but the truth is, even people who’ve been happily married for decades can be terrible at effective communication. So how does your own relationship fair the rough and volatile communication seas? What are you working on as an individual and as a couple to make your communication stronger?

Source

Women's Common Complaint: My Man Is Letting Himself Go

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Many women take great pride in making themselves look good. They eat right, exercise, spend money on makeup, manicures, and highlights, and they're always up to date on the latest fashion. We want to look good for our own self-confidence, but we also do it for the men in our lives. But once we're in a relationship, I'm sure we can all admit to getting comfortable and perhaps not trying as hard. Guys are the same way, but what happens if your man takes comfort to a whole other level and completely lets himself go? Maybe he grows a beard, wear sweats all the time, doesn't shower as much, spends an insane amount of time on the couch, drinks excessively, or gains weight. He may think, "she loves me no matter what" so what's a girl to do? To hear my suggestions read more.

He should be able to be himself with you, but if it's affecting your relationship or his physical and mental health, something must change so tell him how you feel. Explain that it's upsetting that he doesn't show as much effort as he once did, and that it's difficult for you to watch him lose interest in taking care of himself. Give him specific examples so he knows exactly what you're bothered by. You don't have to be mean, but don't beat around the bush either. Be clear with what you expect, and hopefully he'll appreciate your friendly, yet stern advice. After all, he wants you to still find him attractive, right? Has this situation ever happened in one of your relationships?

Source

You Asked: He's Completely Cutting Me Off

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am currently dating my daughter's father. We had a lot of new-couple issues at first, but just as soon as I was sure we had worked through the kinks, I found out that he is going to move overseas for a year. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him before he left, but it seems like he doesn't have the same desire. He says that he is trying to mentally prepare himself to leave so he is breaking away now to avoid being homesick later. I don't know how to take it. He leaves in a couple of days and we haven't talked or seen each other in about a week. Help!

- Left Behind Leslie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Left Behind Leslie,

Since I'm not sure whether you two are planning on continuing your relationship while he's away, it's difficult for me to understand the specifics of this situation. What I can tell you is that everyone handles feelings of sadness and loss differently, so it's very possible that your boyfriend is pulling away now so it will allow him to control the terms of his loss. He can decide when to be upset instead of having it forced upon him when he leaves. Still, I don't think this is a healthy approach nor do I think it's fair to you.

Break the rules: reach out to him via a phone call or email. Explain to him that while you understand his feelings, it's going to be hard either way and you'd rather enjoy the time you do have together. If you plan on trying to make your relationship work - it will be extremely challenging, but it is possible - then I think it's especially important you set the tone of communication now.

And finally, I don't know the age of you daughter, but the move of a parent can be difficult even at a very young age. It's important that, at the very least, you come together to discuss that aspect of your relationship. Best of luck to you.

Source

You Asked: We Broke Up, Now Things Are Better Than Ever

DearSugar — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My old boyfriend from five years ago and I began speaking again a year ago, after both of us got out of really unhealthy relationships. At the time he was living across the country, but we developed a relationship and he decided to move back. At first our relationship was a dream. He was considerate, caring, sensitive, and treated me very well. Soon after he moved back, he also started working long hours while attending school, and our relationship became strained. He's always had a bad temper, but I began seeing more of it. We would rarely have sex, and he would often seem distant. Although he was apologetic when it was brought up, he would never really change his behavior.

Last week, after one particularly bad weekend, I felt I had no other choice but to end the relationship. The next day we talked and both agreed that it just wasn't working. He apologized sincerely for the way he had been treating me and described just how tired and stressed he's been. The night we had this talk was honestly one of the most special nights we have ever had, even though we were ending things. We made love and it was better then it had ever been before. He's called me every day since and it seems like he's turned back into the guy I used to know.

I only broke up because I felt I had no choice due to the way I was being treated, but now that things are so good, I want to get back together. Are we building our relationship again? And if so, should I demand to know where he stands? Or is that jumping the gun?

- Together or Not Taylor

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Together or Not Taylor,

It seems to me that your relationship feels so great right now because it's not in a relationship at all. I'd guess that a lot of the stress your boyfriend was dealing with was stemming from the pressures of your relationship, and now that you've broken up, a weight has been lifted, and your boyfriend is able to be himself.

Of course, it's normal that outside stress puts strain on a relationship, but in your boyfriend's case, his behavior sounds over the top. You need to talk to him and find out what he's thinking before you find yourself counting on a relationship that he's not able to give you. And before you two head down the road of reconciliation, I highly recommend you figure out how to successfully work through the difficult times. A bad temper that flairs every time life gets tough is a debilitating issue for any relationship, and it's something your boyfriend is going to have to want to change. Definitely open up communication sooner rather than later so you can either start moving on or work together to move forward.

Source

You Asked: How Long Should I Wait for Him?

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I wasn't looking for love, but it found me, and I've now been dating my boyfriend for five months. We've been so happy and spend every moment together, but out of the blue, he asked me for some time to think - he doesn't even want us to see each other. I asked him if he wanted to break up or see other people, and he said no. He thinks that because of how much we talk and how far we've come in just five months that I am somehow too dependent on him. What does this mean? How much time should I give him before I move on?

- When to Pull the Plug Pauline

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear When to Pull the Plug Pauline,

I wish I could tell you exactly why your boyfriend has suddenly decided to check out of your relationship, but so many things can lead a person to back off from a commitment that it's impossible to narrow it down without hearing it directly from him. Obviously his current explanation that you guys are too attached makes little sense to you, but I think it's likely that that's just a nice way of saying he feels panicky about how serious your relationship has become.

If you really do want to make this relationship work, then for now, go ahead and give him the space he's asking for. But don't be afraid to preface this offer of space by letting him know that you're not going to wait around forever. There's no set time limit for this, but you'll know if it's gone on too long: when it feels like he's abusing that "space" or when you find that your own feelings have diminished. And if you do feel yourself wanting to move on, then go ahead and let go. Breakups are tricky, but you don't owe your boyfriend anything but respect.

Source

You Asked: He's Obsessed With Sex

DearSugar — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I moved really fast in our relationship, which is great! Everything has worked out really well. The first few months that we dated we made out a lot, but we didn't have sex. We wanted to get to know one another without sex being involved. As passionate as we both felt about one another, we knew sex would not be an issue, which turned out to be true. But now he is obsessed with sex; he wants it all the time! And a lot of his pleasure is derived from me getting pleasure. That's fine, except sometimes I don't feel up to it.

I have discussed this with him, and he's told me that sex is a very important aspect of his life, but of course I didn't know just how important it was until after we moved in together. Obviously, I don't want him to totally stop initiating sex, but I can't do it every time he wants it and it makes him upset. Is his behavior normal? Am I just being unrealistic? What do I do now?

- All the Time Alicia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear All the Time Alicia,

You yourself said that your relationship progressed very quickly, and one of the things we learn as a relationship grows is the level of each person's sexual needs and how they vary. Finding a balance that works for both people is an extremely important part of a long-term relationship and no easy task. To answer your first question: yes, I do think his behavior is normal. In fact, it's not uncommon for people to have strong and urgent desire for sex much of the time. With that said, it's also totally normal to have a lower sex drive; everyone's different. Now that you both know you have differing sexual needs, it's important to come up with a level of sexual frequency that works for both of you.

If you don't want to have sex or have him pleasure you every time he wants to, that's OK, and he needs to understand and respect that. Likewise you need to realize that if you've gone days without engaging in sexual activity, he may be more frustrated if you turn him down. Keep in mind that intercourse is not the only way to sexual satisfaction. There are other things you can do for each other and with each other that may be a comfortable compromise. If you can learn to communicate about this openly, it's far less likely to become an opportunity for resentment, so start sharing your feelings with him.

Source

Dear Poll: If You Got Pregnant, Would Marriage Come Next?

DearSugar — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Unless you’re ready to have children, thinking about a possible pregnancy can be pretty terrifying. But if you’re having sex, there’s always a chance, no matter how slim. And there's no doubt that for better or worse, a pregnancy can drastically alter a relationship. Since I’m sure most of you have considered the possibility, especially if you're in a long-term relationship, tell me, would you expect to marry your significant other if you learned you were pregnant?

Source