TresSugar

Hump Day: My Boyfriend Is a One-Minute Man

TresSugar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"My boyfriend has premature ejaculation problems, and it's a little frustrating for me. As far as I know, he doesn't have any health problems. Is this psychological? Can I help him fix this?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

One of the challenges when talking about premature ejaculation is coming up with a common definition for it. Masters & Johnson defined it as when a man ejaculates before his (female) partner at least half of the time. Others have tried to define it as when he orgasms within two minutes of starting to have intercourse. That kind of definition works better in some ways, especially since many women don’t orgasm from intercourse. Ultimately, the “problem” of premature ejaculation rests on whether it causes concern for either person and since you’ve said that you’re finding it frustrating, that’s good enough for me.

There are a lot of potential causes of premature ejaculation, from the physical to the psychological. It can be caused by anxiety and stress, hormonal imbalances, prostate health issues, and relationship difficulties. With all of these possible reasons, some of which need a medical exam to detect, there’s no way for me to tell you what’s causing it for him. Having said that, there are some tips that I can offer you. Bear in mind that these assume that there aren’t any medical factors complicating the situation.

First off, anxiety is a common cause of both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, worrying about whether it’ll happen can make it happen, creating a self-fulfilling prediction. One of the best ways to address that is to widen your definition of what you consider sex and pleasure to be. If you can let go of the focus on intercourse and enjoy the buffet of sexual options, the worry tends to decrease. It can be really helpful to talk about how you might make that happen when you’re not having sex or just afterwards. If he’s feeling embarrassed about the situation, it’s probably going to be a lot easier to have the conversation when the clothes are still on.

Another factor that can influence when a guy ejaculates is what position he’s in. For many men, being on top seems to make him orgasm more quickly, while lying back and being straddled can make things last longer. While I’m not aware of any actual research on this, I’ve heard stories from enough men to suggest that you give it a try and see what happens.

Still another reason that some men ejaculate more quickly than they or their partners might like is that they don’t know how to work with their sexual energy. Modern tantra and other similar practices offer many men a lot of useful tools and tips for lasting longer. While this approach might not be everyone’s cup of tea, I think it’s worth looking into. Check out Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Man for a really interesting and easy-to-read take on this. He also has a book for women and one for couples.

Also, some men report that one of the best ways to last longer is to be on the receiving end of a little more foreplay. Actually, I dislike the word “foreplay” since it implies that everything else is just a lead-up to “real sex.” But leaving that aside, many of us are familiar with the idea that lots of women prefer/enjoy/need some warm-up before intercourse. What you might not know is that a slower approach can be a great thing for lots of guys, too. Men’s sexual arousal isn’t just about getting an erection; ramping up can increase how much sexual energy he can maintain. Or to put it another way, just because some guys can hit the ground running doesn’t change the fact that a little warm-up makes it a lot easier. So try extending how much time you give oral sex, hand-jobs, kissing, whatever. It can help him relax and increase his arousal, both of which reduce anxiety and can make it easier for him to last longer.

To get to the last question that you ask, there are some things you can do to help him but he needs to be willing to deal with this situation in the first place. A lot of men feel ashamed of early ejaculation, even though a lot of men experience it, at least sometimes. One of the best things you can do is to talk about it with him at a time when you’re not having sex. Right after it happens is probably not ideal since he’s having whatever feelings this brings up for him. And yes, men have feelings, even when (or especially when) they don’t know how to show them!

Do Tell: Have You Ever Dated a One-Minute Man?

TresSugar — Thu, 28 May 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Along with penis size, height, and the ability to get it up, the locus of many a dude's insecurities lies in his stamina, or ability to have sex for as long as it takes to satisfy his partner. This hilarious (for anyone who doesn't have a premature ejaculation problem!) Australian ad capitalizes on this insecurity.

Created for the Advanced Medical Institute, a Sydney-based provider of treatment programs for fun things like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, it shows the police breaking into a couple's bedroom and telling a one-minute man they'll give him a speeding ticket unless he calls AMI for help. Australia's Advertising Standards Bureau has received complaints from people saying that it's offensive to men.

Have you ever dated a one-minute man? Was it a dealbreaker? Did it get worse, better?

What You Should Know About Premature Ejaculation

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Earlier this week the BBC noted the results of a recent study suggesting that premature ejaculation, long thought to be a psychological disorder, may actually be genetic. According to the article, the men in the study who suffered from premature ejaculation had a variation of the gene that regulates serotonin levels - the hormone that controls, among other things, mood, appetite, and the speed at which ejaculation occurs.

And while this information will eventually help researchers create an effective treatment, for now there is no medication, leaving many couples searching for solutions to something that is often a serious detriment to a satisfying sex life. The good news is that there are some techniques to help men learn to slow their ejaculation. To see them just read more.

The "stop and start" method - Use sexual stimulation to bring a man just until he's about to ejaculate. Then stop stimulation for 30 seconds, after which you should resume. Repeat this on-and-off stimulation until the man is ready to ejaculate.
The "squeeze" method - Like the previous technique, use sexual stimulation until just prior to ejaculation. At that point, instead of simply stopping all touch, the end of his penis should be gently squeezed. After 30 seconds, release and continue stimulation. Repeat as desired.
Certain antidepressants can also be used to help because of their connection with serotonin.
For a topical treatment, try desensitizing creams. Likewise, a condom can also act in the same way.

Dear's Advice: While many men are embarrassed by this affliction, it's quite common. If you're dealing with this in your own relationship, ask your significant other to talk to his doctor about his options. No matter what, avoid resentment; instead, work together to make sure feelings of inadequacy stay out of the bedroom.

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International House of Beefcakes: Who's the Best?

TresSugar — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:00:00 -0700

Global research site OnePoll.com asked 15,000 women from 20 countries to rate the men they've slept with based on their country of origin, and the results are in: Germans were ranked the world's worst lovers because of their rankness, Brits came in second because they're "lazy," and the Swedes were deemed "too quick to finish," finishing third in this list no man wants to be on.

I like a little natural body odor on my bedmates (it beats a dude who reeks of cheap cologne), so I'm not sure this list works for everyone. But lazy and too quick? These can't be positive attributes of any lover.

I love that, although there were reasons listed for why certain men sucked in bed, the men who were considered good in bed needed no explanation at all. To modify the first line of Tolstoy's Anna Karenina: "All ~~happy families~~ good lovers are alike; each ~~unhappy family~~ bad lover is ~~unhappy~~ bad in ~~its~~ his own way." To see the five best and worst international lovers list as well as to see how American men fared, read more.

Worst Lovers

1. Germany (because too many smell bad)
2. England (because they're lazy)
3. Sweden (because of premature ejaculation issues)
4. Holland (because they're over-dominant)
5. US (because they're too rough)

World's Best Lovers

1. Spain
2. Brazil
3. Italy
4. France
5. Ireland

You Asked: He's Not Pleasing Me in Bed

DearSugar — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I are both 20, and we have been dating for almost two years. We're a very sexual couple and have sex at least three times a week, however I'm not so sure it's because he's attracted to me or because he just needs the sex. He watches porn every other day and masturbates daily. When we have sex, I usually pleasure him orally first and then we have sex because he says he won't go as fast that way. But a lot of the time after I go down on him, he won't be able to get an erection again so I end up on top doing all the work.

I just can't help but feel that he isn't attracted to me sexually, but just wants the sex from any girl. It's very frustrating both emotionally and physically. We're in love and have a very good relationship, but I just wish he wanted to please me (instead of just himself). What do I do to bring it to his attention without making him feel insecure about his sexual abilities? His lack of interest in pleasing me is making me feel unattractive and unwanted. Please help!

- All Give and No Get Gracie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear All Give and No Get Gracie,

It doesn't sound like either one of you are communicating when it comes to your sexual needs and concerns. First of all, from a physical stand point, it doesn't make sense that your boyfriend wants to experience oral sex immediately preceding vaginal intercourse; men take a substantial amount of time before they can maintain a full erection after an orgasm. Though it can be as short as thirty minutes, it's still not immediate, meaning that engaging in sexual activity with you isn't going to be nearly as pleasurable as it would be if you waited for his body to fully recover.

However, your boyfriend has mentioned that he's worried about lasting long enough, so I have to wonder if he's paranoid about premature ejaculation and so avoids the possibility completely. Again, this is something that you can only learn by opening up to him and asking him to open up to you. Explain to your boyfriend exactly what you told me. Let him know that you want to learn more ways to please him during intercourse, and you want him to be more involved with your sexual satisfaction as well.

It's important to remember that your sexual needs are incredibly important. As with all other parts of a relationship, sex requires talking, so the only way to get what you want is to tell him! And don't forget to ask him what he wants, too. Good luck.

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