TresSugar

You Asked: My Boyfriend's Friend Won't Leave Me Alone

DearSugar — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend has a good friend who is a very nice guy, but when he drinks, he gets very touchy feely and kind of creepy. Lately he seems to be directing more of his bad behavior towards me, which is making me very uncomfortable. One night my boyfriend, his friend, and I were at a club and I was standing off to the side. My boyfriend was still on the dance floor when his friend came up to me and put his hand just under my breasts and made a gross comment about how lucky my boyfriend is to have me. I told my boyfriend, but he brushed it off, blaming the alcohol.

But the next time we were around his friend, he started acting inappropriate towards me again. This time my boyfriend took note. He asked his friend about what happened at the club, and he claimed he didn't remember it. But the final straw came the next time we were out and he had been drinking. This time he came up to apologize for how he acted, but all he did was try to grope me again. I got away from him as quickly as possible, but now my boyfriend and I are trying to figure out how to deal with this.

We know that he is completely harmless and would never do anything, but at the same time his behavior freaks me out. Normally I would tell him off, but he's my boyfriend's very good friend, and is also friends with the rest of the group. It's just a very awkward situation that I don't want to make worse. We don't want to completely offend or embarrass him, so we're looking for some advice on how to handle this situation delicately.

- Violated Viv

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Violated Viv,

This guy is consistently violating you and making you feel uncomfortable, and you're worried about his feelings! The fact is if he were completely harmless, you wouldn't feel uncomfortable around him. Your boyfriend needs to step up to that plate on this one. He needs to tell his so-called friend, in no uncertain terms, that he is never allowed to touch you in any way, and if that means he can't hang out with you guys anymore, then so be it. And if he ever tries to grope you again, you're well within your rights to tell him off straight to his face.

It sounds to me like this guy is used to getting away with whatever he wants when he's drunk because his friends aren't willing to stand up to him, and that's just not OK. Friendships are about mutual respect, and if this guy doesn't even respect his close friend enough to stay away from his girlfriend then I don't think he's the "good guy" you and your boyfriend think he is. In fact, a little embarrassment might do him some serious good. You should never have to put up with an uncomfortable or inappropriate situation to keep the peace, so don't let anyone, boyfriend, or otherwise, convince you to.

Source

Handle This: Your Ex's New Girlfriend Wants Information

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0700

After you broke up with your boyfriend you both kept in touch, and though you’re not close anymore, you’re still friendly. He recently started exclusively dating someone new who you actually know through a friend of a friend.

She’s a nice girl, and you have no hard feelings towards her, but you’re caught off-guard when you run into her and she immediately starts inquiring about your ex. She wants to know all sorts of personal details about his past including specifics about your relationship with him. You're speechless but that doesn't stop her from asking you to coffee so you can chat. It's an awkward situation to say the least so how do you handle this?

Source

Dear Poll: Do You Eavesdrop?

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Whenever the opportunity presents itself, I'll eavesdrop. On the bus, the airplane, in line - I just love overhearing what other people are talking about! Since I'm so fascinated by people, it's a perfect way to get a glimpse inside the lives of others without being creepy or stalkerish. I'm of the mindset that if you're having a conversation in any public place, it can't be all that confidential. Perhaps I'm invading, but it sure is entertaining! Are you the same way? Do you like to eavesdrop, too?

Handle This: He's a Close Talker

DearSugar — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

You've been at your new job for about three months now. You love the work, the hours, even the people, but there's one co-worker who doesn't know how to respect your personal space. You're currently working directly together on your first major project, and every time you meet to discuss, he's up in your face - it's official, he's a close talker!

You're not claustrophobic per se, but you do appreciate a comfortable distance between those you're engaging in conversation. Since you're still the "new girl" around the office, you don't know how to bring it up without hurting his feelings, but you simply can't take talking nose to nose for much longer. This is going to be an awkward moment for both of you so tell me, so how would you handle it?

Source

This or That: He’s Always With His Friends or Tagging Along With Yours?

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

You and your boyfriend have a happy relationship; you get along well and respect the other person’s needs. But when it comes to your social lives, things get more complicated. You’ve always enjoyed your boyfriend’s friends and he’s always gotten along with yours, but things are getting a little extreme. Would it be worse if . . .

This: Your boyfriend is constantly with his friends? Every time you turn around they have something new planned; you can’t even get a dinner date alone without him inviting the boys.

Or . . .

That: Whenever you get together with your girlfriends, your boyfriend tags along? The only time he doesn’t want to come is if you specifically say it’s a girls-only event. You love having him around, but his devotion to your social life is getting on your nerves.

Source

This or That: Smothers You or Ignores You?

DearSugar — Tue, 20 May 2008 07:00:00 -0700

After a couple of years, you and your boyfriend have found yourselves in the comfort zone of your relationship. For the most part things are good, and you enjoy feeling settled, but you get the feeling he doesn’t. His behavior makes it seem like he’s having some insecurities about the relationship. You love him, but he’s driving you nuts. Would it be worse if . . .

This: He's gone from being doting to completely obsessive and overappreciative? When he’s with you, you can’t even sigh without him making a fuss about getting you something or making sure you're OK.

Or . . .

That: Suddenly it seems like half the time you’re with him he forgets you’re even there? He’s still affectionate, but he seems to be caught up in his own world and pays absolutely no attention to you.

Source

Do You Have #2 Phobia?

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Everybody poops, right? It may be a fact of life and the one common trait everyone shares, but I have to say I don't like hearing or talking about it one bit.

I have a friend who works in a preschool so she has no modesty when it comes to the bathroom. We'll be sitting on the couch watching a movie and she'll get up and say, "Nature's calling!" And I absolutely HATE when she says anything alluding to her bathroom activities. I just don't know why she feels the need to share!

I, on the other hand, am very private when it comes to going #2. Who needs to know, right? I feel much more comfortable using the bathroom in my apartment when nobody's around but me. So what about you? Are you afraid or nervous about going #2 in front of others? Does it matter who the people are, or where the bathroom is? Will you use the bathroom in front of strangers but not in front of your boyfriend? Or do you think it's no big deal at all?

Source

Hillary Talks Sexism, Obama's Job Offer, and Mad Men to Vogue

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:00:35 -0800

Hillary Clinton finally sat down for a long-overdue Vogue interview. She offended editor Anna Wintour during the primaries by turning down the fashion mag out fear of looking "too feminine." And though she won't be on the December cover, the article is as substantial and satisfying as a cover story.

From night swimming alone to her favorite shows (Mad Men!), we see a side of Madame Secretary that all the vetting in the world would not unearth. See some of what she had to say below.

On visiting countries as a high-ranking female: "You can go to some countries and there's not a woman in the room. They don't even make the effort to give me the token woman minister. . . . And in lots of African countries the honorific for women is 'Mama.' So I had lots of people say to me, 'Mama, what about this; Mama, what about that?'"

On President Obama's job offer: "I was stunned after the election when President Obama asked me to consider this. . . . I really was very unconvinced. I did not think it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to do it. I just really had a lot of doubts, and I kept suggesting other people: Well, how about this person! How about that person! This one would be really good! But then a friend of mine called me and basically said, 'How would you have felt if you'd been elected and you'd called him and asked him to do this?' And that really made a big impression on me. How do you say no? And so . . . I said yes. And here I am."

On Mad Men: "That's how it was! That's why the women's-liberation movement was so shocking. It was like news from outer space"

See what else she had to say after the jump.

Ask a Gay Woman: I'm Bisexual - How Do I Come Out?

TresSugar — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, an out and proud gay woman helps a 16-year-old girl figure out how to come out. After you read her answer, be sure to check out TrèsSugar's Lesbian and Bisexual Support Group in the community, as well as TrèsSugar's Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's question: "I'm a 16-year-old girl who's currently in a relationship with a boy. I'm taking college classes along with my high school ones, and I have poetry that's published. People tell me everyday that I'm gorgeous and absolutely amazing. My downfall? If they knew I was bisexual, I would be alone. I've come out to three of my gay friends, but that's it. I was voted most optimistic for favorites, but people don't know how really miserable I am. I'm in love with a girl, and I want to give myself to her completely. To kiss her, to hold her. But I don't want to be hidden, and I don't want to lose everything I have. HELP ME, I'M BEGGING. Signed, Tormented."

To hear what a gay woman has to say, read more.

Dear Tormented,

I know what you are going through is hard and scary. When I was growing up I felt very confused about the intense feelings I had for other girls, and I couldn't even admit to myself that I was bi or gay, let alone anyone else. So first and foremost I just want to say that you are very strong and brave to admit these feelings to yourself and reach out. Please don't take your fear as a sign that you can't handle this - if you couldn't handle it I think you would have buried it way down and not even bring it up as a possibility. There are a few different things about your worries that I want to address:

First, before you decide how to handle your feelings about this other girl, you have to figure out your feelings for your boyfriend. Do you really want to be with him? Or are you just being with him because it is safe and simple? It is too hard to figure out how you are feeling about your sexuality and the girl you say you are in love with if it is all wrapped up with shame and secrecy about possibly cheating on the person you are dating. If you know deep down that it is someone else and not him you want to be with, then break up with him. You don't have to tell him all the details of why you are ending it - just that it isn't working for you right now. Then you can have some space and time to think through the issue of your bisexuality without the anxiety of betrayal.

Secondly, I am not sure exactly what kind of community and family you are living in, so it is hard for me to address how real your concerns are that you will lose "everything." It sounds like you have some gay friends, which means people are out in your community and you have some support, so I think you should consider that maybe after the initial shock this wouldn't be as devastating as you think. Definitely it is still not the total norm, but living in fear that you won't be accepted is making you miserable, so I am not sure that finding out that certain people will be fine with it and others won't be could be that much worse. But I think you need to talk to some people you trust to help you figure out how to best handle your specific situation. If there is a gay and lesbian community center in your town you could get some confidential advice from someone. There are also some good websites: Sex Etc. (a website about sex run by and for teens) and this Planned Parenthood teen talk blog.

The most important thing is to know that you are absolutely not alone with this, that a lot of people go through this, that you will be OK, and that there is a lot of support for you out there.

Signed,

A Gay Woman

Is This Craigslist Ad Real?

TresSugar — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 03:00:00 -0700

Moving to San Francisco? Well, do I have the place and 'mate for you. It doesn't have any space, but rent's only $680. Now I totally believe this apartment exists . . . but this is either a joke or the most terrifyingly unself-aware person out there. I am almost tempted to go check it out.

Hello, I am seeking a nice room mate to share my 2 bedroom home.

You won't have to pay utilities or do any chores so it's perfect for a young person or a student.

But I cannot have anybody touching or moving my stuff because it would set off a chain reaction of emotions and feelings towards you and towards my things. Hoarding is not a mental illness, it is something environmentally responsible because I don't like to throw anything away. But the San Francisco Department of public health said my living conditions were unsafe and came in and forcibly removed my things I have been collecting for over 40 years. It traumatized me and I have been rebuilding my collection ever since.

Read the rest of the ad and vote on its validity after the jump