TresSugar

Who Knew? Bat Oral Sex Might Have an Evolutionary Benefit

TresSugar — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:30:00 -0700

Just in time for Halloween mania: some stats on bats. This isn't about how they've come to be part of Halloween iconography, but rather about their sex habits. It turns out, bats give head, too!

Scientists have long known that animals engage in nonprocreative sex acts like oral sex. (Just look up the sex acts Bonobo chimps engage in and your sex life may look vanilla in comparison.) But they're trying to figure out if the fruit bats that are performing oral sex on each other might not also have sex for longer periods of time, which may have an evolutionary benefit.

Bats performing oral sex could be trying to increase the chances that sperm will fertilize the egg or attempting to kill bacteria on the penis, and in effect, keep both bat partners from getting STDs. Wow. I think that's enough of bat sex ed for today!

Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina - it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember - you want it to be fun!

Hump Day: My Boyfriend Doesn't Like Giving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:
"I'm in my early 20s and just started dating this guy I feel wildly attracted to, but he says he doesn't perform oral sex ever. He says it's 'too subservient,' and he doesn't like the taste. He definitely likes to receive it, and I kind of like to give it, but I feel torn. Is this normal? OK? Or is this guy a jerk?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Some people adore giving oral sex and others have zero interest in it. I suggest letting go of the idea of “normal” and focus on what works for both of you. Is your boyfriend a jerk? If he’s generally considerate about most things, or if he mostly acts in ways that shows that he cares for and respects you, then I think that’s a very different situation than if he’s generally rude, selfish, or self-centered. Take a step back from the oral sex part of the equation and make an honest appraisal of all aspects of your relationship.

Assuming that he’s not a jerk, there are a few possibilities oral sex turns him off.

Some men have absorbed the message that vaginas are "dirty." If we (men and women) weren't taught somewhere that vaginas were icky, Eve Ensler wouldn’t have felt the need to create the Vagina Monologues. And even when we intellectually know that those messages aren’t true, they are incredibly tenacious. Does your boyfriend seem like he’s turned off by your vulva in general or does he avoid seeing it or touching it? If so, perhaps there are some deeper issues at play. On the other hand, if he enjoys pleasuring you in other ways, then perhaps it’s a sexual preference, rather than vulva-phobia.

Oral sex can have connotations of submission for many. Ask him what he finds “subservient” about it. If it’s about a specific position, maybe there’s a different way for you to do it, like 69ing, or having mutual oral sex, since you’d each be “serving” the other. Another possibility is that your boyfriend might be concerned about being good at oral sex, but afraid to ask for directions.

Fortunately, there are some great books and DVDs to help him out, if lack of knowledge is what’s blocking him. Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex #1 - Cunnilingus is an excellent how-to DVD with lots of great tips and suggestions. If you or he prefers a book to a DVD, there’s Violet Blue’s Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus. I’m also a fan of She Comes First: The...Guide To Pleasuring A Woman, although it’s not only about oral sex.

With all of these possibilities, the best advice I can give you is to ask him for more information about why oral sex doesn’t float his boat. The more you know about what’s going on for him, the easier it’ll be for you to decide what you want to do.

You Asked: His Libido Is Too Much For Me!

DearSugar — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend loves giving me oral sex. It's gotten to the point where he's like obsessed with it, and while I love him and thoroughly enjoy being intimate with him, I don't want oral sex everyday of my life! He actually got mad at me once because I told him no - I just wasn't in the mood for anything sexual - and he pouted the entire night. How do I make him understand that it's not just about what he wants without hurting his feelings or giving him the wrong impression? - Not on the Same Page Penny

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Not on the Same Page Penny,

While some women complain that they don't get enough sex, I hear you when you say that oral sex everyday is just a bit much! Clearly you two need to communicate your needs and desires because it sounds like you're on two different pages here. Sex is a great way to deepen your connection and share love with one another, but there are many other ways to experience that same kind of connectedness.

Talking about sex can be very intimating so be mindful of how you approach the subject. Make sure to touch upon the positives, reiterate how you feel about him, but also explain your desire to make sex special, not just something to cross off your daily checklist. Hopefully after a good heart to heart, you'll be able to set some new boundaries so you both can be happy and sexually satisfied. Good luck!

Source

Where Do You Stand? Oral Sex Every Time You Have Sex

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 07:30:00 -0800

It's a sad but true fact that women usually take a lot longer to orgasm than men. It doesn't help that many of us can't orgasm through intercourse alone - we need clitoral stimulation, which is why oral sex is so important! If that's the case, how do you feel about having oral sex every time you get it on? Does having it that often make it less special? Or are you all in favor of doing anything and everything you can to help you reach the mighty O?

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Which Comes First? Sex or Oral Sex

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 15:00:00 -0800

When you first start dating someone, it doesn't take long to have your first kiss. Once that's behind, you'll probably be spending more time making out on the couch than watching whatever movie you rented! The passion can fire up quickly and smooching will inevitably lead to touching, which will lead to what? The answer to that question is different for everyone since comfort levels vary, so when it comes to intimacy in your new relationships, tell me, which comes first?

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Where Do You Stand: Oral Sex in Unexpected Places

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 14:00:00 -0800

There's a time and place for intimacy, but sometimes, a feeling of wanting to get it on can overcome you in surprising situations. I don't know why, but a change of scenery can be all it takes! If regular ole sex is too complicated, what about oral sex? How do you feel about this type of affection in an unexpected place such as a sauna, movie theater, or the bathroom at a friend's party?

Source

Dear Poll: Are You Into Oral Sex?

DearSugar — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 07:00:00 -0800

Wednesday's True Confession was dedicated to oral sex, or the lack thereof in this instance! Some people love it, and some people could do without it, but whatever your taste, people's reactions are usually pretty extreme. So ladies, tell me, are you a big fan of oral sex?

Source

True Confession - I Want Oral Sex!

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 10:00:00 -0800

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"Is it wrong to let another man go down on me since my husband refuses to do it? We've been married almost four years and he only tried it once - he said it just wasn't his thing. My best O was when my ex-boyfriend went down on me when I was 18 . . . and I miss it."

Source

Oral Sex: Do You Feel Pressured to Return the Favor?

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 08:00:00 -0700

So you're one lucky woman because your man loves to perform oral sex, and he's not bad at it either. If he was nice enough to take the time to pleasure you, is it only fair to pleasure him right back? Do you think he's expecting you to return the favor? If it's not your favorite thing to do, will you satisfy him just because he did it to you? Share your thoughts below.

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