TresSugar

Dear Poll: Do You Drink to Feel More Comfortable in Social Settings?

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Although I do enjoy a drink out with my girlfriends, I definitely know that there’s a difference between drinking socially and drinking to be social. However, many people suffer from anxiety when presented with certain social situations, and the natural effects of alcohol often curb those worries. Though it can lead to more problems than it's worth, it's not surprising to find that some people feel they have to drink to be comfortable among others. Do you drink in order to feel more comfortable socializing?

Source

Relationship Protocol: Touchy Subjects

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

As we make it through the personal successes, failures, and traumas of life, it’s inevitable that we pick up some sore spots along the way that when poked or nudged, can release a torrent of feelings. And just as we develop them on our own, it’s common for touchy subjects to arise as we encounter normal relationship issues. It could be something that consistently creates an argument or something that makes one person extremely uncomfortable, whatever it is, it always involves a lot of emotion. Do you and your significant other have any of these sensitive spots? Are there things you avoid talking about or have to tread lightly if you do?

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Helping a Friend Who Has Anxiety

DearSugar — Tue, 11 Dec 2007 10:00:00 -0800

Everyone gets nervous or anxious at some point in their lives, but if you or a friend is experiencing these feelings more times than not, anxiety might be to blame. This goes deeper than just feeling a little worried or paranoid; it's a mental condition that can cause physical symptoms such as panic attacks, sweating, increased heart rate, and heavy breathing. It can also cause people to be antisocial, withdrawn, and painfully shy.

If a friend tells you she has anxiety, here are some things you can do to help:

Invite her out as often as you can without pressuring her to come. Even though she may be nervous in social situations, the more time she spends with other people, the more comfortable she'll become.
Stick to a plan as much as possible. Spontaneity isn't a natural thing for someone with anxiety, so try to give your friend as much notice as possible if you need to change plans.
Call your friend often so she can talk abut her feelings. If something is bothering her, keeping it inside will make her feel overwhelmed and could cause even more anxiety

Want to hear the rest? Then read more

Talking to a therapist who specializes in anxiety may be really helpful, so encourage your friend to seek help.
See if you can find out what triggers her anxiety, and do what you can to avoid them when you're together.
People with anxiety may have a tendency to self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs to numb nervous feelings. Just keep an eye on your friend to make sure that she doesn't have a substance-abuse problem.

The best thing you can do is to be her friend, listen, and be as patient and supportive as possible. You can also be up front and ask what she needs from you to feel less anxious. If your friend feels that you genuinely care, she'll feel more open to express her needs.

Source

Kid Has Extreme Camera Fright

GiggleSugar — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 09:28:08 -0700

This has to be the worst case of the jitters I've ever seen. It's so bad that the poor kid has to do an endless number of takes to make his single sentence announcement and by the time he's done, I'm still confused. And why'd he have to go and drop the F-bomb at the end there? Kids these days...

Self-Help: Getting Over Stage Fright

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Speaking in public can be really scary for some people. While we all get a little nervous or anxious, for some, it can be down right horrifying. It's a kind of Performance Anxiety and these feelings have a lot to do with low self-confidence and possibly a past failure or bad experience. People with this type of performance anxiety get worried that they are going to make a mistake or be negatively viewed by others. These fears can be debilitating, causing them to avoid any situations that involves them being viewed by others or being the center or attention.

Symptoms can include:

Feeling uncomfortable or uneasy
Feeling frightened or experiencing a panic attack
Increased heart rate
Problems breathing
Shaky hands or voice
Feeling overheated or sweating
Butterflies in your stomach, nausea or vomiting

Want to hear ways you can get over this fear? Then read more

Be prepared as much as possible. Try to practice your performance or speech in front of a friend or group of friends beforehand - they can offer ways to help you improve your speech and make it clearer or more interesting if need be. Also practice using any equipment you may need. If you can, practice your performance on the stage or in the room you'll actually be in so you can build your confidence before show time.
When you do perform, wear layers so if you get hot or sweaty, you can casually take your sweater or jacket off so you don't schvitz all over the place.
If your hands shake, hold something solid like a pen or clip board, or hold your hands behind your back.
When you look out into the audience, look at people's foreheads instead of making direct eye contact. Locking eyes could make you nervous or forget your train of thought.
Do something that will make you feel confident about yourself and have a positive self image. Get a new outfit or get your hair or make-up done. Knowing you look good will make you feel good. When your self-esteem is high, you'll feel strong and less fearful.
Don't be so uptight. So what if you make a mistake? The world isn't going to end. Everyone messes up in front of other people, so just laugh at yourself and move on.

I hope these tips help so when your friend asks you to give a speech at her wedding, you'll feel honored instead of panic-stricken.

Source

Dear Poll: Do you Compliment Back?

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 13:00:00 -0700

It's always nice to hear a compliment from someone, especially a stranger! Some people are good with receiving them whereas others get uneasy and shy when hearing other people say positive things about them. I'm not sure if it's a nervous habit, but I notice that some people automatically give a complement in return when they are given one. Do you do that? If someone says, "I really like your shirt", do you say, "I like yours too?!" or do you simply say "thank you!"? So what I want to know is, do you always compliment back?

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You Asked: Sex Makes Me Nervous

DearSugar — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I am 26 and just moved to a different state. It has been about 10 months since I had a girlfriend (and sex) and I am currently getting serious with a girl I have been seeing. I have had the problem for years getting extremely nervous the first couple times having sex with my previous sex partners, in which I would not be able to keep it going and lose my sail if you will. Now I have this stuck in my head that this is going to happen every time I start getting serious with a woman. How do I calm down? How do I prepare to get back into the sex scene since this break?

--Nervous Ned

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Nervous Ned--

It's totally normal to be nervous about having sex with a new partner. You should know that you're not alone. Everyone feels anxious, apprehensive, and excited the first time they have sex with someone new. We want it to be perfect in every way, and we often worry, "What does it mean if it isn't?"

If the first few times make you nervous with all partners, but you don't have problems with "your sail" after that, I wouldn't be too worried about it. If this is a continuous problem, it may not be nerves at all but a medical problem. You can talk to your doctor and see what treatments or medications they may prescribe.

If you're sure it's just nerves, try thinking about anything BUT making the sex perfect. If you get too caught up in your head, you're bound to lose concentration, which can lead to things going south. Tell your girlfriend how you want your first time to be, but be upfront about your fears and concerns, I am sure she has similar ones herself. You are both adults so take the mature high road and talk about it! Good luck Ned!

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The View Ladies Have a Case of Inappropriate Giggles

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:00:02 -0800

Sofía Vergara, the young, Latina wife on Modern Family, went on The View today. Things got off to an awkward enough start when Joy asked the Colombian actress, "So you really talk like that?" but then things got worse. Like rape worse. The hosts remarked on how young she is to have an 18-year-old son, and Sherri joked that Sofía must have had him when she was 12." Then Sofía took the joke much, much further saying, "No, no, 13. I was raped." What?! Silence. Now let's all laugh and make it go away. So they did, and Barbara steered the conversation into the less-felony-ish waters of motherhood.

In all fairness, I don't think I could've handled this much better. Obviously, it was nervous laughter from bewilderment and embarrassment. But what a clip it makes!

Hump Day: Sex Makes Her Uncomfortable

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:30:23 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:
I'm 24 and in my first relationship. I really like the guy, we've been going out for six months, but I get nervous whenever he slips his hand under my underwear. He gets the hint and stops. I don't mind him doing other things (we haven't slept together yet), but I wish I wasn't such a prude. I don't know what he expects and I worry that he will be grossed out, as I only shave/wax the bikini line but not the whole thing. What if he thinks it is ugly? I also don't know what I should expect; he knows I'm a virgin, but I don't know how to speak to him about why I get uncomfortable, and I don't know how to overcome it! I also have a few stretch marks and worry that he will be grossed out by them. Please help?

To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more.

Thank you for sharing this challenging situation. I know that it can be scary to talk about things like this, but these are all really common thoughts.

One of the things that can help when you’re on the edge of your comfort zone is to take it very slowly. It’ll probably help to tell your guy about your discomfort, even if you can’t tell him why it’s there. You could simply say "I have a lot of discomfort around sex." You also might want to do a little solo exploration. It takes the pressure off because there aren’t any partner expectations. Check out the wonderful book Becoming Orgasmic. If you’re looking for tips or ideas for techniques, Tickle Your Fancy is full of suggestions. Once you know a bit more about what you like or dislike, you and your boyfriend might be able to find something that you both like to do.

It’s worth mentioning that vulvas come in all different shapes. (The vulva is the external female anatomy. The vagina is the inside part.) There’s a long history of negative attitudes towards the vulva, but each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. A lot of women have the idea that there’s something wrong with their vulvas because they don’t look like what we see in porn or because they have hair, and I think that’s unfortunate. I strongly recommend getting to know your parts and Scarleteen has a great site about that. It’s geared towards teens, but there's lots of amazing info about sex, bodies, and pleasure.

Another option would be to explore some of these concerns with a therapist. When you have an itch on your back, you need someone else to scratch it. Therapists help us by reaching the spots we can’t reach on our own. Lastly, depending on where you are, you could join a body-image support group. While they tend not to focus on sexuality, they can be an incredibly helpful way to work through our concerns about our bodies and how we (or other people) feel about them.

Working through these challenges isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Whatever route you choose, I hope you find the pleasure and joy that you deserve.

Ask an MBA Student: Is It OK For My Boyfriend to See His Ex?

TresSugar — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 09:00:44 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a guy working on his MBA tries to help out a woman nervous about her boyfriend's ex. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:
My boyfriend's ex-girlfriend just moved back in town and he wants to hang out with her. She's going to stop by his house this week so they can catch up. They broke up a couple of years ago, but they dated for a few years so this sort of makes me uncomfortable. Can I tell him that I don't want them to be friends? I don't know whether I should be upset or just let it go.

Signed,
Nervous

To read the MBA student's advice, read more.

Dear Nervous,

My advice is to let them hang out and catch up initially. It's natural for friends who haven't seen each other to meet up; there is nothing to worry about. I think it might be a good idea for you to be there, if your boyfriend is OK with that. If this is truly a friend situation, he shouldn't have a problem with you being there, and if the ex-girlfriend is moving back into town then she should want to get to know you. After they catch up, the novelty might go away and they might never see each other again as people change. However, if they continue to hang out and see each other a lot, you can let him know that it makes you uncomfortable. He should respect your wishes and tone it down.

Signed,
An MBA Student