TresSugar

You Asked: There's No Affection in Our Relationship

DearSugar — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we have four kids. I don't feel as if she loves me anymore. She does not show me any affection and only goes along with what I initiate. I will occasionally stop her throughout the day to give her a hug or a kiss, but she never initiates it. She never tells me that she loves me unless she is responding to my "I love you." For our anniversary, I put love notes around the house and in her car so that she would see them through every event of her day and I bought her a dozen roses. She said thank you, but that was it. I didn't even receive a hug or a kiss!

The only time we ever have sex is if I make the move. This has been going on for the last five years. Before that she would at least show some interest in me. When I try to talk to her about the way I feel she turns it all around on me and it inevitably leads to a huge argument. I tried for years not to let it bother me, but it really is starting to affect me as I am always thinking about it and hoping she will initiate just a simple kiss or hug.

- Missing Kisses Kevin

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Missing Kisses Kevin,

Obviously, you and your wife have been together a significant amount of time and I'm sure raising four children is not nearly as easy as it is rewarding. Your wife sounds very unhappy, which may have more to do with her role in life rather than her feelings for you. Unfortunately, this isn't something that's likely to get better on its own, and if you wait until your children grow up, it's possible the distance will be too great to fix.

Your attempts to talk to your wife have only led to arguments thus far, but don't give up - you need to be able to have a conversation about this. I'd guess that pointing all this out to her leads her to feel inadequate in her role as wife, but also resentful to have another demand on her life. Instead of telling her what you need from her and what she's doing wrong, let her know how you're feeling and how you see it affecting your relationship in the long term. Preface the conversation by asking her to recognize that this isn't an attack on her; you just want a few minutes to voice your feelings. Ask her to do the same and find out if there's anything you can change about your behavior that might make her feel more satisfied in your relationship.

Realize these problems won't be fixed overnight. In fact, it may take months and months to figure out. I would definitely consider couples therapy to break through this sooner rather than later. Of course, this is something you'll need to discuss together, but an open forum for communication may illuminate issues that neither of you are able to recognize right now. I wish you luck.

Source

You Asked: I Refuse to Accept That We're Over

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A few years ago I met a guy who quickly became my best friend; in fact, he was really the best thing that ever happened to me. In the beginning we were just inseparable, great friends. But months later, I realized I was in love with him. Soon after, he admitted that he loved me, too, and we started dating. It was amazing at first, but within a few months we started fighting a lot. We eventually broke up, but stayed really good friends. We tried getting back together but it didn't work, and we ended up down the same road.

Finally, we stopped talking for about six months, until one night he called me and said that he just wanted us to be friends again. So we started talking, and within a month he was talking about a girl he'd met. I tried to be casual about it, but every time he mentioned her I felt extremely jealous. It wasn't before long that I figured out that there was something really special between them. After talking about how strong his feelings for her are I finally snapped, and threatened to never speak to him again. He was upset by my outburst, and we haven't talked since.

I only lashed out at him for attention, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I wish I had just dealt with it because now I can't let go of him. I love him, and I have to do everything in my power to get him back. I need him in my life. But he wants nothing to do with me, and is crazy about this other girl. What should I do now?

- Needy Naila

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Needy Naila,

I know you're not going to want to hear this, but it's pretty clear to me that it's time for you to let go. There's no point in waiting around for a relationship that's already proven itself to be unsuccessful time and time again. Maybe now is your chance to ask what you can do just for you instead of trying to figure out what you can do to please him. A crush should always come secondary to your mental well-being, and if it's not that means there's a problem.

If this is affecting your life to the extent that you're having a difficult time coping with the day-to-day stuff, try talking to a therapist. Sometimes having an objective listener will help you process the emotions you've been ruminating in for the past few months. Also, an outside voice may allow you to see the situation more clearly. Try writing a letter to your ex expressing everything that you wish you could say to his face, but don't send it. Instead, give your emotions a release. And don't forget to confide in your family and friends; they're there for support.

Source

You Asked: Am I Asking Too Much?

DearSugar — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 17:00:00 -0800

DearSugar --

I recently started seeing this man, and i'm really starting to like him. We have gone on 4 dates, and I am having a hard time because I only talk to him a couple of times a week. This is hard for me to deal with. In my last relationship, my boyfriend and I talked daily (multiple times, whether by text, phone, email).

I am 40 years old and have 3 children, so we both have baggage and responsibilities. But in a relationship so young, do you think it's too early to bring up the subject of how often we speak to each other? Do I need to be more patient and give it more time? ~ Hurried Heather

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Hurried Heather --

You're asking yourself all the right questions. I know how exciting a new relationship can be, how much there is to say, and how much you just want to hear his voice. It's difficult to be patient, Heather, but it's healthy and it's wise. Given that you're not yet in a relationship and things are only in the dating phase, I think it's pretty great that you guys are talking a few times a week. That seems appropriate. If you two do build a relationship, more contact and conversation will evolve along with the romance.

You're right not to get too far ahead of yourself or too far ahead of him, Heather. It takes time to know someone, for them to know us, and it takes time to be clear about how new people will figure in our lives. In the meanwhile, I'd suggest talking with your girlfriends or family if you need extra support. Journaling is also a good way to manage anxiety or to meet the simple but intense need to get stuff out. Good luck, Hurried Heather. And enjoy these early days of your courtship!

Source

Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

Doctors Tell Women to Ditch Annual Pap Test

TresSugar — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:00:42 -0800

There may be no need to feel guilty about putting off your annual trip to the gynecologist anymore! New guidelines from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists assert that healthy women should not get cervical cancer screening pap tests every year. Instead they encourage women to get the screening every two to three years. The medical group also recommends against getting a pap test until after the age of 21, even if an adolescent is sexually active.

The new recommendations against annual cervical cancer screenings are not intended to save you embarrassment or discomfort - they're meant to prevent unnecessary and possibly harmful treatments. For example, treatment of precancerous HPV symptoms that would otherwise go away on their own puts women at a higher risk of giving birth to a premature or underweight baby. Still, cervical cancer rates have dropped 50 percent since the 1970s mostly thanks to the pap test, so I hope the doctors aren't trying to fix something that isn't broken. But the authors of the guidelines explain that the same results can be accomplished with less-regular screenings.

I'll admit the idea that less screening can be better for your sexual health seems counterintuitive. Will you stick to your annual pap test or do you welcome a chance to get one less frequently?

Edward vs. Jacob: Which Guy Is More Your Type?

TresSugar — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 07:46:39 -0800

You don't need to be a fan of Twilight to understand the difference between the two leading men (can we call vampires and werewolves men?). On the one hand, there's Edward - think of him as the sophisticated older man type. In fact, he's 108. If you go for introverted, devoted, and beautiful men, Edward's your type of guy. Then we have Jacob, the good-natured hunk. Jacob's the extrovert with a sense of humor who knows how to have fun. Which type of guy would you rather date: the mysterious guy or the outgoing guy?

Gender Roles - Love 'Em Or Leave 'Em?

OnSugar Blog — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:10:00 -0800

Here's a poll from OnSugar blog Rantings of a Single Girl.

Let's go back to the 1940s for a minute. My grandmother was married, raised a kid, ran a farm, taught school, and kept a clean house. All while my grandfather was away at war. After my grandfather came back from the war and had recovered from his wounds, they went back into their traditional roles. He ran the farm and did all the "manly" things. My grandmother raised my aunt, taught school, and still had dinner on the table by 5:30 PM every night. All while pregnant with my dad.

I'm exhausted just talking about it.

I bring all this up because I've been thinking about gender roles lately. I look at my parents. Granted, my dad still does majority of the "manly'" things around the house and my mom does the household things, neither one is afraid to help out the other. My dad does housework. My mom can swing a hammer when needed.

And that's what I like.

I'll never be able to date a guy who believes in traditional gender roles. As much as I like cooking and being in the kitchen, I don't like being expected to be there. If we have kids, I'm not going to be the one who raises them. I certainly expect their father to help out. At the same time, I don't expect him the only one who takes out the trash or fixes things when they break. I think 50/50 is a good blend.

So could you be with someone who firmly believes in traditional gender roles? Or would you rather share the load?

Want to see more? Start following Rantings of a Single Girl or start your own OnSugar Blog. Maybe your stories will be posted here on TrèsSugar!

Vampax: Stay Close to Your Vampire Boyfriend All Month Long

TresSugar — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:00:52 -0800

Twilight Cycles from Brandon Routh

Is your monthly cycle getting between you and your vampire lover? Sounds like you need Vampax - new tampon technology that promises to keep you safe while you run around the forest with your brooding bloodsucking boyfriend. Learn all about it in this Twilight parody from the people at Funny or Die. It's disgustingly funny.

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Can I Say No to Being Her Bridesmaid?

DearSugar — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Not Into It Natalie need your help. She was asked to be a bridesmaid in her husband's best friend's wedding, but she has no desire to accept the challenge. Since her husband is in the wedding on the groom's side, she doesn't know how to get out of it. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

A friend asked me to be in her wedding. My husband is best friends with the groom, but the bride and I hardly know each other. I feel like she only asked me to fill a hole in her wedding party and I have no desire to take on this responsibility. Not only do I not have the time or money, I'm not this girl's biggest fan. If it was anyone else I'd simply tell her I couldn't afford it, or didn't have the time, but my husband is in the wedding so I feel like my excuse isn't valid. Is there a way for me to say no or am I stuck?

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Is My Wandering Eye Normal?

DearSugar — Sat, 04 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Daydreaming Dotty need your help. She loves her boyfriend with all her heart but her mind has been wandering about past lovers and she's afraid of what it means. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. He's got just enough jerk in him to keep you wanting more, but he would also do absolutely anything for me and I'm completely in love with him. We've been dating for almost two years, we always have a great time together and the sex is fantastic! Recently though, my mind has started to wander. I find myself thinking about previous boyfriends whom I've had sex with and it's becoming distracting in my current relationship. I know what I'm doing is wrong because I'm feeling guilty about it, but I can't stop myself! I'm afraid that my thoughts may drive me to take action. What's wrong with me? - Daydreaming Dotty

Source