http://www.tressugar.com Smart. Sexy. Fun. en http://www.tressugar.com/2297825 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/2297825"><img width=160 height=107 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/41_2008/domestic_abuse.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Throughout October, I will be bringing you very important information about <a href="http://dearsugar.com/tag/Respect+Campaign" target="_blank">domestic violence</a> and how you can protect yourself and the people around you. As we all know, <a href="http://dearsugar.com/506693" target="_blank">abuse does not belong in any relationship</a> so if your friend or someone you know is in an unhealthy situation, or if you're noticing a change in a friend's behavior - she's feeling ashamed, hopeless, or frightened - be sure to check out my tips on how to help. </p> <p><span class="inline left"></span></p> <p>Click here to read more</p> <ul> <li> If you think, but aren't sure that your friend is in an abusive relationship, start off by asking her these tough <a href="http://www.endabuse.org/resources/gethelp/" target="_blank">questions:</a> Are you ever afraid of your partner? Has he ever threatened to harm you? Has he ever hit you? Forced you to have sex with him? Does he control you or purposely put you down? If she answers yes to any of these, her well-bring could be in danger.</li> <li> If you are worried about her safety, do not hesitate to call the police.</li> <li> To avoid a dangerous situation, advise your friend to seek a trusted confidant or spiritual advisor for advice. The <a href="http://ndvh.org/" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> is also a great recourse for general information and guidance, and they can help find a shelter in her area if she needs a safe place to stay. They are available to help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. <li> <li> If your friend has to flee from an abusive relationship, make sure she has an <a href="http://www.endabuse.org/resources/gethelp/personal_plan.php3" target="_blank">emergency plan</a> - a place to go, an escape route, and someone she can call. </li> <li>She should also keep an emergency kit packed and easily accessible with the necessities: an ID, money, social security card, passport, an extra set of keys and any prescription medication.</li> <li> If your friend's abuser does not live with her, she should immediately change her locks, install a security system and obtain a restraining order. If she has children, she needs to alert her kids' school and their friends' parents so they can be protected and kept out of harm's way.</li> </ul> <p>Domestic abuse happens in every culture, affects every race and every religion, and it may be happening to someone you love as we speak. Be sure to <a href="http://www.endabuse.org/resources/gethelp/" target="_blank">educate yourself</a> so you can not only be there for a friend in need, but know what to look for in your own relationships. </p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/2297825#comment Love and Sex Domestic Violence Respect Campaign Abuse The How-To Lounge National Domestic Violence Hotline Wed, 08 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/2297825 http://www.tressugar.com/506693 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/506693"><img width=106 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/users/1/12981/32_2007/sad.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Let me say this out loud - <b>Mental Abuse is STILL Abuse</b>. A person does not have to hit you or hurt you physically in order for it to constitute as abuse. </p> <p><span class="inline left"></span>Someone who is emotionally abusive often feels worthless themselves, and uses their relationships to create a feeling of personal power and control over someone else. </p> <p>Relationships should be about respect, and if you are being mistreated emotionally, it is wrong, and the relationship needs to end ASAP. Emotional abuse can take on many shapes and you may be in an <a href="http://www.ndvh.org/educate/what_is_dv.html" target="_blank">emotionally abusive relationship</a> if your partner:</p> <ul> <li>Calls you names, insults you, or constantly criticizes you</li> <li>Doesn't trust you, or acts jealous or possessive</li> <li>Tries to isolate you from your family or friends</li> <li<Monitors where you go, who you call, and who you spend your time with</li> <li>Doesn't want you to work, get an education, or do the things that you love</li> </ul> <p>Want to see the rest? Then read more</p> <p>An emotionally abusive partner may also:</p> <ul> <li>Control finances, or refuse to share money</li> <li>Make all the decisions</li> <li>Punish you by withdrawing love or affection</li> <li>Expect you to ask permission</li> <li>Threaten to hurt you, your children, your family, your friends, or your pets</li> <li>Humiliate or embarrass you in any way</li> </ul> <p><b>Dear's Advice:</b> If even one of these sounds familiar to you or to someone you know, you can get more information or support by calling the <a href="/410420" >National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.</a></p> <p><a href="http://creative.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/506693#comment Love and Sex Insult National Domestic Violence Hotline Emotional abuse Control Power humiliate Thu, 09 Aug 2007 15:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/506693 http://www.tressugar.com/410420 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/410420"></a><p>I just found out this unfortunate statistic: in America, at least <a href="http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/" target="_blank">1 in every 3 women</a> has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Abuse is NEVER okay - <b>period</b>. No one should ever be subjected to an abusive relationship, but unfortunately it's a reality and sometimes figuring out how to get out is hard to deal with alone.</p> <p><span class="inline left"></span><a href="http://www.ndvh.org/" target="_blank">The National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> is there to offer help to victims and families of abuse. Their hotline provides assistance and guidance 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. They believe that every person deserves to live in a world free from violence and that safe homes and safe families are the foundation of a safe society.</p> <p>Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information, and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 140 languages through interpreter services. </p> <p><b>Dear's Advice:</b> No one deserves to be abused. If you or someone you know is being hurt emotionally or physically, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at <b>1-800-799-SAFE</b> (7233) or TTY <b>1-800-787-3224</b>.</p> http://www.tressugar.com/410420#comment Love and Sex National Domestic Violence Hotline Emotional abuse physical abuse Thu, 19 Jul 2007 11:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/410420 http://www.tressugar.com/7399 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/7399"></a><p>Dear Sugar<br /> A friend of mine is involved in a Domestic Violence lawsuit with her husband. He's hit her multiple times. She finally left him but she's scared for her safety. He tells her that if she goes to the police again he'll kill her. I want to help her but what can I do for her? Just listening isn't enough, I need to do something. Are there any hotlines or hideouts in case he strikes again? Unsettled Ursula</p> <p>Dear Unsettled Ursula<br /> There are many local and national resources available to her. There are domestic violence hotlines in each state as well as safe houses in most counties. <a href=http://www.ncadv.org>The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</a> assists abused women in need. The National Domestic Violence Hotline for the U.S. and Canada (1-800-799-SAFE) might be a great and informational first phone call (it might help you find a local resource). Your friend is very brave to leave. I am sure she's both scared of her husband and scared to be alone. Now more than ever she's going to need your support through this hard time. Let her know that if she is in danger or is threatened again, she should immediately dial 911.</p> http://www.tressugar.com/7399#comment Love and Sex Health Family General Sun, 14 May 2006 04:28:02 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/7399 http://www.tressugar.com/7670 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/7670"></a><p>Dear Sugar<br /> I want to be free of my husband, but can't see how to escape. He has abused me for several years, emotionally, financially and sexually. Recently, he's gotten more physically insistent during the rapes, because I've tried to get away. </p> <p>Although it seems blatantly obvious that I should get out, I have 5 children and mortgage payments of $2,000 per month, as well as other bills, and almost no income of my own. </p> <p>I have been applying for full-time work for the last year and have tried my hand at various part-time jobs, but my husband's shifts interfere with all of the other schedules in the house and the kids always wind up suffering when no one monitors their activities and homework. (My husband refuses to participate in this). </p> <p>His job pays well but he spends too much. I need advice, please. Trapped and Traumatized</p> <p>To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more</p> <p>Dear Trapped and Traumatized<br /> With 5 children, I am sure you have no free time whatsoever, but you and your husband need to seek out professional counseling. He clearly has no respect for you, and his behavior is usually punishable with jail as the consequence. </p> <p>It's extremely damaging for your children to witness all of this. Believe it or not, they learn from what they see and you can not change this cycle repeating. </p> <p>Keep in mind that abusers never change on their own. All they do is worsen. I know it's a lot to ask for you to pick up and leave him, but is there someone you can go to who can help sort things out some options with you? </p> <p>If ever there were a time to lead by example it's now. If your children see that you have the courage to leave him, not only will they understand that abuse is wrong and intolerable, but you will be even more of a hero to them than you already are. </p> <p>UPDATE: Thanks to one of our readers for offering this advice instead:</p> <blockquote><p>No one in a domestic violence situation should seek therapy with their abuser because therapy encourages participants to be honest, and honesty can often encourage more abuse. I would suggest this woman contact 1-800-799-SAFE, which is the national hotline sponsered by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Here she can find resources available in her area such as domestic violence counselors, legal advocates, and emergency shelters. Individual counseling would be helpful for both her and her children, all of whom will be affected by the domestic violence. Advocates will also be able to discuss ways to ensure her financial security, but she must remember domestic violence often escalates and her safety is the number one priority. </p></blockquote> http://www.tressugar.com/7670#comment Love and Sex children Marriage Tue, 18 Jul 2006 12:00:47 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/7670 http://www.tressugar.com/71084 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/71084"></a><p>Dear Sugar<br /> My mom has been dating her boyfriend on and off for over five years. My three younger siblings and I despise him and we can't understand why our mom is still dating this loser. During the holiday's last year, he and my mom got into a terrible fight. He went on a rampage breaking things all over the house, spanking my little sister and pushing my mom. </p> <p>I heard all the chaos and found him in the kitchen choking my mom. I finally broke up the fight and he left. Needless to say, my entire family was extremely shaken up. We didn't see him again for months but he showed up again a few weeks ago despite my efforts to make my mom leave him. </p> <p>Dear Sugar, what can I do to make my mother see how terrible this man is and get him out of our lives forever? I am scared for her safety and for the safety of my brothers and sisters. Is there anything I can do? Will she ever listen to me? Terrified Tiffany</p> <p><SPAN class="inline left"></SPAN></p> <p>To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more</p> <p>Dear Terrified Tiffany<br /> I am sorry you had to witness what you did and that you feel stuck in the middle of your mother's destructive relationship. <a href=http://dearsugar.com/7399>Domestic violence</a> affects many families everyday so you are not alone. It sounds as though your mom is afraid as well and as a result, is fearful to leave her boyfriend. This is not uncommon victim behavior. </p> <p>Do you have any family members you can confide in and call on for help? Perhaps you could gather the people closest to her and stage an intervention. It sounds as though your family is not safe when he is around. Do you have a grandparent or cousin you can stay with?</p> <p>You have done the right thing by asking your mom to break up with this violent man. Try explaining to her how afraid you are for the health and safety of your family. I am sure that your mom is in an awfully low place right now and feels scared to stay and scared to leave. </p> <p>If you don't feel comfortable confronting anyone and there are no other family members around, there are many online services, free of charge, that can offer support and advice 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can try contacting <a href=http://www.ndvh.org/>The National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> or <a href=http://www.ncadv.org> The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence</a> for guidance. </p> <p>Your mom is very lucky to have someone like you to look after your family. Hopefully with time she will feel empowered enough and strong enough to <a href=http://dearsugar.com/7589>end this abusive relationship</a>. Hang in there and remember there are people out there who can help you. You are not alone. </p> http://www.tressugar.com/71084#comment Love and Sex Family Dating Home Wed, 29 Nov 2006 12:16:21 -0800 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/71084 http://www.tressugar.com/1813900 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1813900"><img width=160 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl1/0/3362/30_2008/stk113731rke.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Dear Sugar, </p> <p>During my husband's first marriage, he had a long-distance (but full-on sexual) affair with a married woman. After <i>we</i> were married, I discovered that they were still in contact. I told him it had to end immediately, and he stopped contacting her. She would still call sometimes, and I demanded that he tell her to stop it. He refused to be "mean" to her, so in a fury, I called her husband and told him that since she'd already ruined his first marriage, I did not want her anywhere near us.<span class="inline left"></span></p> <p>He didn't know about it before I called him. My husband now says he's glad I took charge and ended the problem, but my girlfriends say I was completely irresponsible and put the other woman in danger. They made me feel horrible, and told me it was possible that her husband would be violent against her. This situation has caused a lot of grief for me and my husband, but now on top of that, I'm worried about her. I was trying to fix the situation. Did I do the wrong thing? </p> <p>- Full of Fury Fleur</p> <p>To see DearSugar's answer, read more.</p> <p>Dear Full of Fury Fleur,</p> <p>Unless this woman is already in an abusive relationship, I doubt that her husband resorted to physical violence after learning about her infidelity. But it's better to be safe than sorry so try contacting <a href="http://www.ndvh.org/" target="_blank">The National Domestic Violence Hotline</a>. They'll have information on what you can and should do. I think it's more likely that this is just a situation she and her husband will either work through or not. </p> <p>On a separate note, I'm concerned that your husband was still in contact with the woman that ruined his first marriage. And I think it's important that you understand that any contact between them is a two-way street regardless of who initiates it. Your husband should have been adult enough to end things with her, but instead, you had to do it for him and that's a problem if you ask me. I'd suggest a couple's therapist for you and your husband while you work through this obvious issue in your relationship. Perhaps it's time to get to the root of the problem.</p> <p><a href="http://www.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1813900#comment Love and Sex Marriage Advice Cheating Husband Lying You Asked Trust Wed, 30 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1813900 http://www.tressugar.com/710639 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/710639"><img width=118 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/users/1/12981/43_2007/worried.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Dear Sugar,</p> <p>My husband and I have been together for four years now, and we have a two-year old son. Our sex-life has changed, mainly because of me. I’m so tired most of the time because I spend more time with our son than my husband does. He's pretty controlling and he says he wouldn't be acting that way if I satisfied him more.</p> <p><span class="inline left"></span>He has an issue with me going out with my friends. It doesn’t matter if they're male or female but whenever I want to go out, he’ll call me constantly wanting to know what I’m doing or if any other men have tried to talk to me. </p> <p>He accuses me of having other men over to the house when he’s at work, but he’ll say that he’s only joking with me just to see what I say. He says he acts the way he does only because he cares. </p> <p>I was in an abusive relationship back in college, and I noticed that some of my actions then are similar to my actions now. I'm really careful with who I talk to or make eye contact with. Things just feel really bad. We’ve been to counseling in the past, but we stopped going because he felt like the therapist was finding fault with him. (We went to the therapist because I found out that he was contacting his ex-girlfriend and almost cheated on me.) I just don't know what to do.</p> <p>-So Unhappy Hannah</p> <p>To see Dear Sugar's answer read more</p> <p>Dear So Unhappy Hannah,</p> <p>Your husband seems insecure and he's trying to control you as a way to feel better about himself and to feel more powerful. <a href="http://dearsugar.com/506693" target="_blank">Controlling behavior</a> is never okay, whether it is mental or physical. You should be able to live your life freely and not have to worry about someone telling you what you can and cannot do. Also, don't let him use lack of sex or "because he cares" as an excuse for his behavior. He is negatively affecting your life and things can only get worse. </p> <p>The bottom line is that you can't trust him (he almost cheated on you?) and he treats you disrespectfully. He needs to get his jealous and abusive tendencies under control, and therapy is a great way to do that. Maybe you can help him find a new therapist that is a good match for him that is if he's willing to work on himself and this relationship.</p> <p>What about your son? Do you want him to grow up seeing his father acting this way? I worry that your husband will start on him next. What if his controlling behavior turns into physical violence? Right now, you've got to do whatever is necessary to keep you and your son safe. If I were you, I'd move in with family or a close friend until your husband gets some help. You can also get more information or support by calling the <a href="/410420" >National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.</a> This isn't something you have to go through alone. I hope this helps.</p> <p><a href="http://legacycreative.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/710639#comment Love and Sex Advice Husband You Asked mental abuse controlling thereapy Wed, 24 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/710639 http://www.tressugar.com/1078587 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/1078587"><img width=106 height=160 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/upl0/0/3362/09_2008/200210859-001.large.jpg'></div></a><p><span class="inline left"></span>Dear Sugar, </p> <p>My fiancé and I go through phases where we will play fight. It's totally harmless, but sometimes we end up really hurting each other. He'll pin me down so I can't move, and it really scares me. I tell him this, but I don't think he takes me seriously. I ask him repeatedly to get off me, but he won't. Sometimes I end up defending myself by hitting him back or pushing him off me. He usually gets angry at me, which seems totally unfair. I'm smaller than him. </p> <p>I sometimes wonder if this is real abuse masked in playfulness. It's never gotten completely out of hand, but he obviously doesn't listen to me when I tell him to stop. If asking him to stop doesn't work, what else can I do?</p> <p>- Scared and Unsure Sammy</p> <p>To see DearSugar's answer read more</p> <p>Dear Scared and Unsure Sammy, </p> <p>In most situations, constraining someone against her will <i>is</i> categorized as abuse. However, play fighting is not an uncommon sexual practice for couples, but it must be condoned by both parties. I'm not sure what purpose your play fighting is serving for your relationship, unless perhaps this a form of foreplay. Nonetheless, you should never feel scared; it is not OK for him to ignore your requests for him to stop, and I'm concerned that this could lead to an abusive situation later on down the road. </p> <p>You need to put an end to the play fighting until you get it under control. I get the impression that you're not the one initiating these moments, so I think you should let your fiancé know that you're no longer comfortable with them, and you have no intention of partaking in them anymore. He may be offended, but don't let that deter you from standing your ground. I'd also suggest seeking couples counseling in you're really worried. It's possible that there is some deeper issue going on with your fiancé that you're not aware of. The therapist can also teach alternatives for this kind of play or ways of enjoying it in a safer context if that's what you'd like to do. </p> <p>Remember that <a href="http://dearsugar.com/506693" target="_blank">emotional abuse</a> is still abuse and should be treated just as seriously. If he continues to make you feel scared and out of control, do not hesitate to seek help. As always, you can contact the <a href="http://dearsugar.com/410420" target="_blank">National Domestic Violence Hotline</a> or your local women's health center. </p> <p><a href="http://legacycreative.gettyimages.com/source/home/home.aspx" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/1078587#comment Love and Sex Marriage Relationships Abuse Advice Fighting You Asked physical abuse Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:00:00 -0800 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/1078587 http://www.tressugar.com/558150 <a href="http://www.tressugar.com/558150"><img width=160 height=144 src='http://media.onsugar.com/files/users/1/12981/34_2007/sad_0.large.jpg'></div></a><p>Dear Sugar--</p> <p>You would think I would know these things by now but I'm very confused. Maybe this is the way relationships are supposed to be. But I don't think so. I think I'm in a very abusive relationship and I don't know how to get out.</p> <p><span class="inline left"></span>I've been engaged for 3 years, and I've never met my fiance's family, and I'm not allowed to speak to his friends, or be at the house when someone is there. He has everything in my name such as his cars, houses, utilities, cable, phone, gas, groceries, etc. He has never paid for one thing since we've been together. He works all the time but he never has any money. He forced me to buy a home that I can't afford and now I have all these credit card bills because he keeps charging to them. I'll call and cancel them and he calls and re-instates them.</p> <p>He calls me names like you b*tch, c*nt, whore, and combinations of other vile disgusting things. He tells me I'm a black hole and that NO man would ever want me. I used to let it all slide and then I started arguing back, but it just makes it worse. He makes me feel like I bring this on myself. </p> <p>He always accuses me of inquiring about his bank accounts which I never have, in fact this happened today. He called out "God make her stop," and "don't let her say another word, she is a liar," and "I can't hear anymore." I said again, "you are wrong I haven't lied to you. I did not inquire or look at your account." We were sitting in the middle of an intersection and he started throwing this tantrum, banging on the door and the dashboard, throwing his food at me, calling me names. He broke my console and then jumped out of the car while telling me he hated me and that I was a disgusting b*tch! </p> <p>I grew up with an abusive father and I've been putting up with his for years. Why can't I see that he is using me and why can't I leave? I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I'm not crazy, this is abuse right?</p> <p>--Can't Take it Anymore Carla</p> <p>To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more</p> <p>Dear Can't Take it Anymore Carla--</p> <p>My heart is breaking just reading this. Honey, your man is controlling and yes, this <b>is</b> an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to be physically hurting you in order for it to qualify as "abuse." Abuse is about one person dominating the other, and all that you've explained above shows that your boyfriend is trying to control you and everything you do. He's taking advantage of your kindness and damaging your heart and self-esteem.</p> <p><a href="/506693" >Emotional abuse</a> does NOT belong in any relationship. You should be free to see who you want, go where you want, and not have to answer to him or pay his bills. All this awful name calling is about him trying to make you feel bad about yourself, but don't let him. You are a strong, smart, and caring person who deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves, and above all, respects you!</p> <p>I fear that things will only get worse, so you <b>must</b> get out of this relationship, ASAP. You've got to leave him any way you can. Go and stay with a trusted family member or friend so you are not going through this alone. You can also get information and support by calling the <a href="/410420" >National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.</a> Please take care of yourself before he really hurts you.</p> <p><a href="http://creative.gettyimages.com" target="_blank">Source</a></p> http://www.tressugar.com/558150#comment Love and Sex Abuse relationship Advice You Asked Emotional abuse Control Fri, 24 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700 DearSugar http://www.tressugar.com/558150