TresSugar

Dish! What Song Are You Embarrassed to Love?

GiggleSugar — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 09:00:00 -0800

Yesterday, I showed you the Google search results for worst band in the world. Verdict? Creed. OK, look, I know they're cheesy, but there's something about "My Sacrifice" that totally bypasses my rational thought. I love it even though I'm not supposed to - like macaroni and cheese eaten with fried chicken, plus dessert. What song (or songs) are you embarrassed to love?

Writer Boldly Goes Where No Mother Has Gone Before

TresSugar — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 11:30:00 -0700

I've had a love/hate relationship with Ayelet Waldman for some time, but the more I read her work and listen to her speak, the more I realize that my ambivalence is with the subjects she discusses more than it is with her: motherhood, work, feminism, and the idea of "having it all."

Waldman, whose husband is writer Michael Chabon, caused a bit of controversy a few years ago when she declared (in a rhetorically bold and questionable move) that she loved her husband more than her children. She said she wanted to contrast herself from the women in her circle she noticed were no longer sexually involved with their husbands because they'd subsumed their identities to being mothers. Although she loved her children, she wanted to make a point she wouldn't sacrifice her identity and sexuality on their behalf. (Needless to say, if I were her kid, I'd have been pretty hurt by that statement!)

To find out more about Waldman and her relationship to feminism, read more.

In an interview with Terry Gross on NPR's Fresh Air, she discusses her new book Bad Mother and the dissonance between the feminism she inherited from her feminist-consciousness-raising mother and the one she and her generation of women inhabits where the lines of choice are blurrier. Particularly, she talks about the abortion she had after a bad amniocentesis result.

"I’m 44 years-old, and I think I’m part of the first generation of women raised with feminist mothers, and when I first was feeling frustrated, angry and depressed about being stuck at home, I really kind of turned on that message. I said this was a lie, this whole thing was a lie. We can’t have it all...

At a very basic level we have the same idea of what it means to be a feminist. I absolutely call myself a feminist, and what I mean by that is that I think your opportunities should not be constrained by your gender, that women should be offered the same opportunities as men, and my mother feels that way too. I think the difference is...a kind of gradation and shades of grey.”

Did your mother teach you, directly or indirectly, about feminism? What lessons did you learn and do you think they're relevant to your life now?

Do Tell: What Random Acts of Kindness Have You Practiced?

TresSugar — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700

I remember when I first saw the bumper sticker that read, "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty." (Also a book.) I had two responses. The cynic in me: "Oh, give me a break. How corny." The realist: "Why should kind acts be random, or beautiful acts senseless? Why not be deliberate in your generosity and volunteer somewhere - to a homeless shelter, to help the elderly, or to foster kittens?" (OK, fostering kittens would not be a sacrifice! But I digress.)

Now that I'd like to think I'm older and wiser, my response is a little different. I've done volunteer work a couple times, but never for an extended period of time. One of these days, I will do that, but in the meantime, a random act of kindness can remind me of that intention and act as a bridge between the nascent do-gooder and the person who actually devotes time to others.

For example, there's a homeless woman I see almost every day on my way to work. In the past, I've walked by her, feeling awful but doing nothing. Now? I know I can't give her money every day, but sometimes I do, and sometimes, since I'm on a tangerine kick, I'll reach into my satchel and give her one. We now acknowledge each other every morning, and it feels anything but random.

Do you ever practice random acts of kindness? What is your proudest moment?

Group Therapy: Help - My Boyfriend Is Having a Financial Crisis

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 04:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend owns two properties, a car, and a credit card he can't afford to make payments on. He doesn't reveal the extent of his financial crisis to his family members, but they do occasionally give him money - $1,000 to $2,000 whenever the lenders call for his payments - which really only softens the blow until the next payment is due.

He has a great job, yet he doesn't earn enough to pay the bills. The other night he asked me for money, as in a couple of thousand dollars. I thought about helping him but then realized that if he's not willing to give up one of his properties or one of his cars, then I shouldn't sacrifice my hard-earned savings to bail him out. I have helped him where I can, but his unwillingness to change his lifestyle in order to get his life back on track is really starting to take a toll on our relationship. I have been with him for six years and I've noticed him lose his zest for life because of this financial strain. I loved him when he didn't have a cent to his name and would love him just the same if he had one property instead of the two. I want him to relieve himself of this stress and realize that life is far too short to spend each waking moment counting his pennies, but he doesn't listen to me. What should/can I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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You Asked: Is It Unfair to End My Marriage?

DearSugar — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for over 20 years to a man 16 years older than me. I've grown out of love with him, but I'm afraid to tell him that I want a divorce. I know that this marriage is over; actually, it's been over for a long time now, but I've been sacrificing my needs to protect my family. Now I'm at a quandary; lost and confused. I don't want him to grow old alone, but I can't abandon my needs/feelings any longer. Do you have any suggestions? - Ready for Change Cindy

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Ready for Change Cindy,

I understand your fear of telling your husband you want to leave him, but you're right, you shouldn't sacrifice your needs to appease his; though it doesn't make telling him any easier. Beating around the bush will make the situation worse so I advise you to be direct and honest with him - I'm sure you'd want the same courtesy from him if the roles were reversed.

You say that you've known the marriage has been over for a while now, so I'd be surprised if your husband didn't know this was coming, but before asking him for a flat out divorce, have you given couples counseling any thought? Or are there any changes that he could make that would make this marriage work for you? If not, sit him down and break the news as gently as possible. Since there are kids involved, making the split as amicable as possible should be your number one priority. I hope I was of some help - good luck.

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What's the Worst Band in the World According to Google?

GiggleSugar — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

Hahaha. Freaking Creed. (Just try your own Google search; this is really what comes up!) I agree on a conscious level, but on an unconscious one, when the bombastic "My Sacrifice" comes on the radio (which I secretly love!), I always have to listen to it. That is, unless whoever's with me says they'll jump out of the car if I leave it on. Then, you know, I change the station. (True story.)

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VA Rules Military Ballots Must Be Counted & Vets Campaign

CitizenSugar — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 12:15:45 -0700

After watching the documentary Hacking Democracy last night on HBO, the business of counting votes was very much on my mind today (if you're at all curious about electronic voting and accuracy, watch it. It's repeating a lot this month.) This story of counting trouble is hopefully resolved.

In Virginia, the attorney general has just ruled that absentee ballots filled out by members of the armed forces must be counted. This ruling comes after Fairfax county began rejecting overseas ballots for a technicality. Though all votes count, those who can't be here in person to vote because they're serving, that's a vote to count for sure.

Troops may be voting, but veterans are volunteering for both campaigns. To see they're stories, read more.

Though Pentagon regulations forbid active-duty troops from doing and partisan political activities, for those 869,000 troops who've served in Iraq or Afghanistan and have left the military, campaigning is just the ticket. McCain is expected to carry the military/veteran vote though young vets are working for both parties. For some, the rigors of working on a campaign is pretty close to the service they remember.

One such volunteer said, “For the first time since I came home, I felt like I had the same clarity of purpose with a like-minded set of individuals. It really motivated me.” The key difference for these volunteers could be their motivation. For many it's people over policy. One describes the reason he's campaigning like this: “We lost 37 men in my unit. That sacrifice is holy to me. All of them I knew and I loved.”

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Powersuit of Tradition: Sworn Virgins In Albania Are Dwindling

CitizenSugar — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 08:05:57 -0700

In Albania, gender equality has a literal meaning - and a less modern, more traditional translation that your 9 to 5 or Working Girl tropes. For centuries, sworn virginity has allowed woman to live as men, with all the responsibilities and rights that accompany the role in a conservative society.

In closed-off rural northern Albania, the practice of swapping genders was a practical solution motivated by social necessity, for a family with a shortage of men. One woman decided to make the change after her father was killed leaving no male heir. The custom she chose requires a vow of lifetime virginity - in exchange for living as a man with all the authority the gender commands - including the obligation to avenge her father’s death. Though she says she wouldn't necessarily do it now, then it was an easy decision:

Back then, it was better to be a man because before a woman and an animal were considered the same thing. Now, Albanian women have equal rights with men, and are even more powerful. I think today it would be fun to be a woman.

With sexual equality and modern trappings seeping into Albania (including MTV which popped in after the fall of the Berlin Wall) the tradition is fading. Not needing to make the vow to own property, move freely, or avoid an arranged marriage, now there are only about 40 sworn virgins remaining. The decision not only created equality in life, it created equality in worth. A woman is worth is half that of a man, but a virgin is worth the same as a man - 12 oxen.

The changes of modern times don't sit well with all the sworn virgins. To see why, read more.

One, who served as a senior army officer, grumbles that women do not know their place.

Today women go out half naked to the disco. I was always treated my whole life as a man, always with respect. I can’t clean, I can’t iron, I can’t cook. That is a woman’s work.

The remaining few are well respected for their sacrifice. One sums up her life on the border between genders saying:

I guess you could say I was partly a woman and partly a man. I liked my life as a man. I have no regrets.

It's a sacrifice perhaps not on par with donning a shoulder-padded 80s powersuit in the quest for gender equality, but not without its own message about the role of femininity and authority - that shunning sexuality brings power. Do we require female leaders to participate in a tacit subtle version of this custom still? Are femininity and authority mutually exclusive?

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Debate Rebate: Reactions to the Second Presidential Debate

CitizenSugar — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 19:53:44 -0700

The much be-hyped town hall debate brought the candidates close together on the bright red carpet, the people closer to the candidates, and perhaps the undecideds closer to a decision? Between the discussion happening here, and the sparkily veiled tension on the stage, how did this match up fare? Here's what we thought:

Citizen:
The biggest shot in the arm this debate format provided was bringing the issues down to the individual level. The audience was intimate and the scrutiny felt equally as close - both from the questioners and Tom Brokaw, who proved to be a ruthless but level moderator. I was nervous about the "real people" questions (you saw the snowman debacle, I don't always like a Pro-Am) but some of them were great.

One in particular from an 80-year-old who lived through the Great Depression - she asked what kind of sacrifice we as Americans should make that wasn't just the blood of our Armed Forces. McCain's answer focused on spending saying, "We're going to have to tell the American people that we're going to have to have a spending freeze. . . we can establish priorities and full transparency. . . and I'm going to tell you Americans that we'll get to work right away." Obama continued the answer speaking to civilian service and expanding the Peace Corps, a different take on it to be sure.

To see the rest of my thoughts and what Liberty had to say, read more.

When the discussion turned to health care the tension ratcheted up several notches along with the interest. McCain lasered in on the government mandated aspect of Obama's plan, and slammed home the choice-and-freedom aspect of his $5,000 tax credit. Then Brokaw asked a point-blank smacker: is health care a privilege, a right, or a responsibility. McCain answered "responsibility," Obama, "right."

Overall McCain was not shy about going for the jugular, on several instances catching everyone off guard with his good-natured intensity. In particular, his calling out of Obama as "that one," was a heated moment no one missed. The last question, "what don't you know and how will you learn it?" provided the candidates a moment to wrap up. McCain seized the opportunity for his most compelling and lucidly forceful riff of the night saying, "I know what it's like to have your comrades pick you up and put you back in the fight, and that's what this country is all about."

A game-changer it was not, but an inning? Yes, and then some.

Liberty:
Tonight both candidates seemed a little tepid and defensive. I kept waiting to see some spirit or contagious passion.

During the discussion on government spending John McCain kept hitting Barack Obama on "increased spending." Obama defended his position as smart taxing and smart spending. He made it clear that it's inevitable that the government is going to tax and it's going to spend - but what's crucial is giving the tax breaks to the right people, and using the collected money for efficient and fair programs.

The dying debate got a burst of virility during the health care discussion - McCain described health care as a responsibility while Obama called it a right. Obama spoke clearly and concisely about his position. He came off as genuinely concerned about the uninsured and those with preexisting conditions, and pointed to the drastic differences between his plan and McCain's. He landed a strong punch when he noted that the Chamber of Commerce said McCain's health care plan would destroy employer-based coverage. McCain drew up concerns of government mandates and bureaucracy, while Obama said he wanted to preserve choices.

Obama took McCain's theme from the last debate, that Obama "doesn't understand," as a chance to highlight differences in judgment. Connecting the economy to Iraq, he noted that the US spends $10 billion a month in Iraq, while Americans are out of jobs. Noting that no country has maintained military superiority while its economy declined, Obama made it seem like McCain is the candidate that does not understand a complex world.

What did you think? Did McCain do what he needed to? Was there a clear winner?

The opinions expressed here are those of the authors, CitizenSugar and LibertySugar, and do not necessarily reflect the positions of Sugar Inc.

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You Asked: Should I Wait and See if He Changes His Mind?

DearSugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Back in July my boyfriend confessed that he lied to me about being a virgin - he had actually been with six girls before me. He was my first and it hurt terribly that someone I loved would lie to my for a year and half. I forgave him because I loved him and he genuinely was sorry; the guilt was eating away at him. In the end, he asked for a break and I was devastated. Apparently he had to work out some issues regarding his family and his job. I asked him specifically what a break meant, and he said he just wanted a month without contact.

I haven't seen him for about three weeks. We've both been incredibly busy, but I'm willing to make time and he's not. I asked to spend a day with him and he finally said OK. He blew me off and I waited around like an idiot. I called and left an angry voicemail and instead of calling me back, he proceeded to email me the next day only to go on about a blow-out fight he had with his parents. I replied back that instead of shutting me out he needs to open up to me. He is miserable and seems depressed. He says that he loves me but everything is too crazy right now for him to be in a relationship.

I just don't know where to go from here. I love him and I want to be together, but he can't seem to make the time for me. I know that what we have isn't a real relationship right now so is it over or should I sit tight and see what happens? I'm an emotional basket case and can't stop thinking about all of it.

- I'm a Basket Case Bryn

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear I'm a Basket Case Bryn,

Finding yourself in relationship limbo is always very confusing and oftentimes overwhelming. It's difficult to focus on anything else in your life if your relationship feels off-balance, but I think you were right to ask how you can be with someone who doesn't make time for you. The answer is you can't - a relationship takes two people. It's clear that your boyfriend is not willing to make something work with you right now and you're right again, you do deserve better.

You can certainly wait around for him in the hopes that he'll change, but if you do, prepare yourself for the likelihood that he may never come back around. Or you can decide to take some time for yourself and figure out why you're so willing to sacrifice your happiness for a person who is emotionally unavailable to you. With the latter you certainly won't be let down, and you might just open yourself up to some amazing possibilities.

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