TresSugar

Poll: Have You Ever Fallen For Your Best Friend's Love Interest?

Sponsor — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 05:45:22 -0700

Have you ever been torn between loyalty to your best friend and a strange new attraction to his or her love interest?

Check out My Best Friend's Girl, in theaters Sept. 19! Click here to view the trailer.

Has Anybody Ever Told You You Were Mean?

TresSugar — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 09:00:00 -0700

I think most people think of themselves as nice, but we can all have a mean streak from time to time. When I was in high school, my best friend told me that her younger sister thought I was mean. I definitely wasn't the mean girl in school, but I guess I had treated my friend's freshman sister like an underling. It totally came as a shock to me, and since that day I've been more careful about coming off as unintentionally rude to other people. Has anyone ever accused you of being unkind?

Ask a Gay Woman: I'm Bisexual - How Do I Come Out?

TresSugar — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, an out and proud gay woman helps a 16-year-old girl figure out how to come out. After you read her answer, be sure to check out TrèsSugar's Lesbian and Bisexual Support Group in the community, as well as TrèsSugar's Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's question: "I'm a 16-year-old girl who's currently in a relationship with a boy. I'm taking college classes along with my high school ones, and I have poetry that's published. People tell me everyday that I'm gorgeous and absolutely amazing. My downfall? If they knew I was bisexual, I would be alone. I've come out to three of my gay friends, but that's it. I was voted most optimistic for favorites, but people don't know how really miserable I am. I'm in love with a girl, and I want to give myself to her completely. To kiss her, to hold her. But I don't want to be hidden, and I don't want to lose everything I have. HELP ME, I'M BEGGING. Signed, Tormented."

To hear what a gay woman has to say, read more.

Dear Tormented,

I know what you are going through is hard and scary. When I was growing up I felt very confused about the intense feelings I had for other girls, and I couldn't even admit to myself that I was bi or gay, let alone anyone else. So first and foremost I just want to say that you are very strong and brave to admit these feelings to yourself and reach out. Please don't take your fear as a sign that you can't handle this - if you couldn't handle it I think you would have buried it way down and not even bring it up as a possibility. There are a few different things about your worries that I want to address:

First, before you decide how to handle your feelings about this other girl, you have to figure out your feelings for your boyfriend. Do you really want to be with him? Or are you just being with him because it is safe and simple? It is too hard to figure out how you are feeling about your sexuality and the girl you say you are in love with if it is all wrapped up with shame and secrecy about possibly cheating on the person you are dating. If you know deep down that it is someone else and not him you want to be with, then break up with him. You don't have to tell him all the details of why you are ending it - just that it isn't working for you right now. Then you can have some space and time to think through the issue of your bisexuality without the anxiety of betrayal.

Secondly, I am not sure exactly what kind of community and family you are living in, so it is hard for me to address how real your concerns are that you will lose "everything." It sounds like you have some gay friends, which means people are out in your community and you have some support, so I think you should consider that maybe after the initial shock this wouldn't be as devastating as you think. Definitely it is still not the total norm, but living in fear that you won't be accepted is making you miserable, so I am not sure that finding out that certain people will be fine with it and others won't be could be that much worse. But I think you need to talk to some people you trust to help you figure out how to best handle your specific situation. If there is a gay and lesbian community center in your town you could get some confidential advice from someone. There are also some good websites: Sex Etc. (a website about sex run by and for teens) and this Planned Parenthood teen talk blog.

The most important thing is to know that you are absolutely not alone with this, that a lot of people go through this, that you will be OK, and that there is a lot of support for you out there.

Signed,

A Gay Woman

Rent-a-Friend Business Booming in Japan

TresSugar — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 01:00:00 -0700

One of my favorite episodes of How I Met Your Mother involves Barney and his hired "family." The eternal playboy (played by Neil Patrick Harris) wants his mother to think he has settled down, so he pays actors to play his wife and son, concocts an elaborate backstory with details including his son's "catch phrase," and plays along for years every time he visits his mother with his fake family in tow.

Well apparently, Japan has turned this sitcom plot into a reality. Japanese rent-a-friend companies allow people to pay for pretend friends, relatives, work colleagues, or even best men! Sometimes single mothers hire fake husbands so kids stop bullying their children at school for having absent fathers!

Just like Barney's family, the "agents" are trained to know an extensive backstory. If rentees give any hint that they're aren't really the people they're pretending to be, it could mess up the clients' lives. Creepy! Apparently the need to look like everything is perfect in your life is so important in Japan that some people are willing to rent these actor-CIA-agent hybrids for about $250 per appearance.

While it might be tempting to hire a stand-in boyfriend for awkward situations, like when you're the only single girl invited to a dinner party filled with couples, this still seems strange to me. What do you think?

Photo courtesy of CBS

Ask an Intern: I'm Jealous of My Boyfriend's Female Friend!

TresSugar — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 08:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, our fabulous new intern dispenses advice to a woman who is beginning to wonder if her boyfriend's female friend is "just a friend." If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I've been dating this wonderful guy for two years now. Lately, though, I've gotten really insecure about myself and the relationship.

During the last six months, there's been a girl that he has started hanging out with more frequently. They go to school together and often have breakfast or go to sporting events. (I see him about twice a week.) I feel like I should relax and let him have his female friends, but I can't get over the fact that they might not just be friends. (He told me once he didn't think men and women could be platonic friends.) I get this awful sick feeling every time he mentions her name, I don't know if its jealousy or insecurity, but I just feel bad!

I tried talking to him about it a few months ago, and all he said was that I'm the one for him and he can't help it if his friends are hot. (That didn't help me feel much better!) I know we are in an adult relationship and he is allowed to choose his friends, so how can I change the way I think and feel so that I'm OK with it? Help!

Insecure and Hating It. To hear what an intern has to say about this, read more

Dear Insecure and Hating It,

I often shy away from confronting people with my insecurities and worries, but I have come to realize that if I am having a dilemma then it’s best to just talk about it. Have you asked your boyfriend if he is romantically interested in this other woman? If not, then you should. It’s a legitimate question and don’t be afraid to ask him what their relationship is and how he feels about her. It’s good to talk about things and get them in the open.

If you’re not ready to talk, maybe ask him if you can join them on their outings and then use the power of observation to see what their relationship is like. But remember, it’s good to be direct. I’m personally tired of playing games and while the natural inclination may be to find yourself a new cute guy friend to stir jealousy, I doubt that will work. Good luck!

i kissed my best girl friend and its left me wanting more

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 16:00:00 -0700

I am 20. I have always had lesbian fantasies but I am in a stable relationship with I man that I truly love and am more than happy. Last month I visited my best friend of 5 years. We went on a night out and she kissed me. I was really shocked but didn't stop her from doing it. The next day she apologised and we laughed it off. Last weekend I went to visit her and while we were out, she asked me to follow her to some where quiet, when I asked why, she said because she wanted to snog me. Although the whole situation felt unreal I couldn't stop myself from going along with it. We ended up kissing passionately all night. It even went as far as her taking my hand and placing it on her breast. The next day, she started laughing about it so I did too. I'm really confused and I don't know what to do now. I'm just really not sure what I feel any more...

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here

Hipster Feels God's Mocking Wrath

TresSugar — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 03:00:00 -0700

Usually, any attempt to mock hipsters leaves the mocker looking out of touch and even lamer, which is why it's best left to the indigenous homeboys themselves. It also helps if it's done as a biblical tale with God dressed as David Bowie!

"Hipster Job" is about a bro named Job, as in G.O.B from Arrested Development or the lesser known Job from the Bible's Book of Job. Settle in for this five-minute vid - sh*t is deep! There's a lot going on, so follow along with my crib notes after the jump

Book Bag: The Big Rewind, a Pop Culture Memoir

TresSugar — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 09:00:36 -0700

On more than one occasion, I've imagined what song would make the perfect soundtrack for a moment I'm currently living. One of my friends' favorite party topics is who would play us in our hypothetical biopics. We are a pop-culture obsessed culture, comparing our realities to that of reality TV stars and voraciously devouring VH1 specials and The Soup.

Naturally, I love the idea of The Big Rewind: A Memoir Brought to You by Pop Culture by The Onion arts and entertainment writer Nathan Rabin. The book tells Rabin's autobiography through the context of the songs, books, movies, and other diversions that defined his youth.

If you're still looking for something to read this month, Rabin's memoir sounds pretty rich. Each episode is tied to a specific song, book, or show, whether it's a story about tripping on mushrooms at the Anne Frank house in Amsterdam or a stay in a mental hospital that's compared to Girl, Interrupted. To read some of what Rabin has to say about the power of pop culture, read more.

Like an ideal family, our personal pantheon will never let us down. Ella Fitzgerald's version of "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered" will never abandon you. Belle and Sebastian's If You're Feeling Sinister will never run off with your best friend. John Kennedy Toole's A Confederacy of Dunces will never tell you that it finds the prospect of having sex with you less appealing than watching back-to-back reruns of The Golden Girls.

It sounds as if many of Rabin's cultural references are also my own. But what would be the movies, books, TV shows, and more that would shape the story of your life?

Ask a Librarian: Tomboy Has Never Been on a Date

TresSugar — Mon, 25 May 2009 09:59:08 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a librarian will offer some common sense advice. You can submit questions here.
Today's Question:
After turning 23 a few weeks ago, I started to wonder what was holding me back from finding Mr. Right. It's not that I haven't been on a date for a few weeks, or that I just keep dating a string of loser guys, it's that I have never been on a date. I didn't even have dates to high school dances. I've never even been told I was pretty/cute by a guy so that may have something to do with it. At a time in life where the majority of my friends are in relationships and are getting engaged/married, I'm all alone.

I'm starting to wonder if perhaps I am too shy to find a guy to like me, or if once I get over my shyness that my tomboyish nature forces me into the "friend zone" all of the time. (I was an only child raised by her father who treated me like a son.)

I've been told that I'm funny and smart, but I think my love of sporting events and rock concerts, knowledge of cars, and love of all things nerdy scares guys away. Do you have any advice for me so I can stop being seen as the sisterly type, and start being seen as dateable? I'd really like to find a nice guy soon. Thanks a lot for your help.

- Undateable Tomboy

To read a librarian's advice, read more.

Dear Undateable Tomboy,

The Oxford English Dictionary defines “tomboy” as “a girl who behaves like a spirited or boisterous boy.” You are 23, and it’s time to start acting like a woman, not a girl. Don’t worry right now about meeting Mr. Right; you just want to meet some misters. People have told you that you are smart and funny, but guys can’t get to know the real you because they don’t see you as date material.

Let’s talk about your outward appearance, which is what attracts a man in the first place. The first thing you should do is find a good stylist and get a great haircut. Sounds superficial? Sorry, just do it. A haircut that suits you can do more than anything to improve your appearance. Next go to the makeup counter in a department store, do a mini-makeover, and buy some products. I’m talking at least a modicum of eye makeup and some lip gloss. Accent your best facial features.

Look at your wardrobe. Anything that appears oversized, place it in the back of your closet for one month. Go to the store and buy some items that are slightly trendy, and get shoes to go with the clothes. If you don’t have a clue, ask the sales people to help you; it’s fun for them. By the way, I am a feminist who does not buy into the “beauty myth,” but consider this an experiment. (Do you want a date or not?) There is strength in looking your best, and it will give you the confidence boost that you need more than anything else. And smile, a friendly welcoming smile. That is the most attractive thing you can put on your face.

Be up front and tell your friends you are ready to meet some men. Be persistent, remind them - and, that goes for your male friends. Ask them if they know anybody to fix you up with. It might even put the idea into the head of one of your old buddies to ask you out. What about you suggesting a casual movie date to a new acquaintance, someone you meet at a party or work?

You like sports. Join a coed softball, volleyball, or kickball team. There is a lot of camaraderie on these teams, more men than women, and they tend to socialize after the games or on the weekends. Please do not wear baggy sweats.

And no more excuses about how an interest in cars and sports scares away guys. In reality, many men would love to share their interests with their girlfriends. That would definitely be a value added that you would bring to the relationship.

You sound like a very lovely young woman who does not deserve to be lonely. You will find someone who will be thrilled to have you in his life and in his arms. The challenge is to have men notice you, so that they can get to know the real you. As a librarian, I can attest that people do judge a book by its cover. I remind you that you are very young, and have plenty of time. So while you are waiting for your dating life to kick in, go to the library, check out a copy of Emma or Something Blue, make a cup of tea, and curl up on the couch.

Source

Ask a Frenchman: Can I Turn a Hookup Into a Relationship?

TresSugar — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 04:00:53 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a man born and raised in France will offer his common sense advice. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:
I am a "good girl" serial monogamist and most recently I find myself in a relationship that can only be defined as a constant series of hookups with the same person.

We hung out for four months prior to any hookup occurring and other than the occasional we-aren't-together-reminder, it could be defined as any other relationship. I wouldn't label him as a douche or anything like that, but I'm dealing with someone with clear commitment issues (he never had a girlfriend) who finds it difficult to trust. (He was burned by his childhood best friend.)

That said, what is one to do in my position? Continue being available, hoping it turns into something committed, or end this in hopes he realizes his loss? It's easier said than done to simply move on; my question is how can I turn a hookup into a relationship?

- Wannabe Girlfriend

To see the Frenchman's answer, read more.

Dear Wannabe Girlfriend,

I think you're thinking way too much. It's possible to turn a hookup into a relationship, but it takes two people. I think you know that this man does not want a relationship right now, so I say: enjoy yourself as is, or dump the guy. As we say in France: un de perdu, dix de retrouvés. Translation: "one lost, ten found."

Signed, A Frenchman

Source