TresSugar

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Follow My Dreams or My Heart?

DearSugar — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and Needy in New York need your help. She has a great job in the fashion industry, but her boyfriend of a year and a half just asked her to move to Connecticut with him so he can attend his first choice law school. She loves him dearly, but isn't sure if giving up her dream job for the man she loves is worth the risk. Do you have any advice for her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a wonderful, healthy relationship for about a year and a half. I am 25 years old, living in New York, and working hard to accomplish my dreams. My boyfriend is my biggest supporter, but he is also working hard to accomplish his goals.

He recently took the LSAT and got into some great law schools in New York, but just yesterday, he got accepted to his first choice school which is in Connecticut. He starts in the Fall and has asked me to move there with him.

Though I love my job in New York, I could probably find a fashion editorial job in Connecticut, on a smaller scale of course, but should I make the move with him in hopes that our relationship will continue to grow? Should I stick to my dreams and ambitions here in New York and hope we can withstand the distance? I always said my career would come before anything, but I feel that my priorities have shifted over the years. What should I do? - Needy in New York

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You Asked: He's Completely Cutting Me Off

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am currently dating my daughter's father. We had a lot of new-couple issues at first, but just as soon as I was sure we had worked through the kinks, I found out that he is going to move overseas for a year. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him before he left, but it seems like he doesn't have the same desire. He says that he is trying to mentally prepare himself to leave so he is breaking away now to avoid being homesick later. I don't know how to take it. He leaves in a couple of days and we haven't talked or seen each other in about a week. Help!

- Left Behind Leslie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Left Behind Leslie,

Since I'm not sure whether you two are planning on continuing your relationship while he's away, it's difficult for me to understand the specifics of this situation. What I can tell you is that everyone handles feelings of sadness and loss differently, so it's very possible that your boyfriend is pulling away now so it will allow him to control the terms of his loss. He can decide when to be upset instead of having it forced upon him when he leaves. Still, I don't think this is a healthy approach nor do I think it's fair to you.

Break the rules: reach out to him via a phone call or email. Explain to him that while you understand his feelings, it's going to be hard either way and you'd rather enjoy the time you do have together. If you plan on trying to make your relationship work - it will be extremely challenging, but it is possible - then I think it's especially important you set the tone of communication now.

And finally, I don't know the age of you daughter, but the move of a parent can be difficult even at a very young age. It's important that, at the very least, you come together to discuss that aspect of your relationship. Best of luck to you.

Source

You Asked: I'm Getting Depressed About Being Unemployed

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I just finished my master's in May and I still can't find a job. I am in the education field and I live on Long Island, where jobs are hard to find. My boyfriend and I have an apartment together, and he is working a lot to keep us afloat. We have considered relocating for my sake but figured we would allow some time first. Money aside, I am having a really hard time dealing with being unemployed. I am feeling sad over the fact that my boyfriend is overworked and has to basically support me. I feel like all of the time and money I spent on my education is not paying off. I have a part-time job, I work evenings, so I spend most of the day at home and then miss my boyfriend because he has a day job. At first, I took advantage of getting myself organized and continuing my job search, but now I have a hard time getting out of bed and feel like there is no purpose to my day. I know that I am depressed. I would love to have some input on how I can get out of this slump and get on with things. - Desperate Davida

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Desperate Davida,

I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding a job. We are living in a crazy time right now, so try not to be too hard on yourself - there are a plethora of people in your exact situation. For some advice on the career front, check out this advice from my friend SavvySugar; hopefully she'll be of some help. In the meantime, I have a few suggestions myself.

While I don't blame you for feeling guilty that your boyfriend is working extra hard while you look for a job, try to keep it all in perspective. It doesn't sound like he's miserable doing it, so just be appreciative! I'm sure it makes him feel good to be able to help you, and if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you do the same for him?

Since you are working opposite schedules as your boyfriend, I recommend looking for a new part-time job during regular business hours. Not only will it give a purpose to your day and time with your boyfriend, but getting back in the routine of going to work everyday, no matter what the job is, will make the transition that much easier when you find a full-time job. Since relocating is potentially an option, why don't you give yourself a time frame? If you can't find a job in six to eight months, send your resume out in cities where you could see yourself living.

I know it's probably really disheartening to think all your hard work isn't paying off, but in time, I have faith that it will. Be patient with yourself, let your boyfriend take care of you for a while, and make sure you communicate with him. Perhaps just talking it out will relieve you of the guilt you feel. Good luck.

Source

Group Therapy: Should I Move to a Different Country For Him?

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 11:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I are in our 20s (I'm 23 and he's 25) and have been dating for four years. Although we have had our ups and downs, I am still crazy about him! He recently got a great promotion at work, but it comes with a big consequence: he has to move to London for six months to a year! Prior to his promotion, we were planning on moving in together, and I was ecstatic about taking the next step in our relationship. His promotion came as a shock to me, and I am now faced with the difficult decision of whether or not to move with him.

On one hand, I would love to live abroad! Plus, I hate long distance relationships and want to be able to see my boyfriend every day. However, I am hesitant to move to a different country without being engaged. While I have no problem living with someone prior to marriage, moving to a different country without a ring is scary! When I bring up engagement to my boyfriend, he says he wants to marry me but he wants to wait two to three years to get engaged.

While I understand his concerns (we are very young), I am also frustrated with the situation. If we both know we want to get married, why not get engaged now considering the situation (especially since it would make it easier for me to obtain a visa, medical rights, etc.)? After four years of dating, I do not see what the big deal is. So, what is your advice ladies? Should I move to Europe without a ring? Or stay in the US and try to make a very long distance relationship work?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: Should I Move?

DearSugar — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

A friend and I have been talking about moving to New York together after we finish college next May. We haven't discussed anything solid, but we both think it's a good idea to live there because of the areas we're specializing in, plus, it's my absolute dream city!

My problem is that I'm currently in a relationship with a great guy, and have been for about a year and a half. I'm almost 99 percent sure he doesn't want to go to New York when he graduates - I've brought it up with him before - so I feel incredibly guilty about considering doing it on my own. On one hand, I feel like I'm making plans behind his back, but on the other, there aren't any real plans yet; it's all very, very tentative, and we may not even go through with it - a lot can happen in a year. If I feel something is right for me, should I go through with it regardless? This decision is consuming my every thought! - Apprehensive Annabelle

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Apprehensive Annabelle,

Making plans after graduating from college can be incredibly exciting, but also very stressful. Since the world is your oyster, making the decision as to what to do and where to go can get overwhelming, so start with writing a pro and con list so you can weigh all your options. While I'm sure you love your boyfriend and he loves you, you have no idea what your future holds or how your relationship will manifest itself out in the real world. With that said, if New York has always been your dream, I say go for it!

To avoid making this a secret decision, open up the lines of communication. Tell him this has always been something you've wanted to do and if he's not on board, this is a perfect time to discuss your options - you never know, he could have something up his own sleeve or he could have changed his mind about NYC.

If you decide to go your separate ways, try out a long distance relationship for a while. If you can't live without each other, one of you can make a move, but at least you will have tried to live out your dream. If you don't, you could end up wondering what it would have/could have been like, and worse yet, you could end up resenting your boyfriend. I wish you luck on whatever path you choose!

Source

Group Therapy: Should I Put My Life on Hold or Move On?

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 16:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I have been going out for almost two years. He is a year and a half younger than me, but we have never really had a problem with that until a few days ago. I'm graduating college in a few months, and I have been dying to get out of Michigan - there is nothing here for me since unemployment is so low. The problem is that he goes to a college here (the credits don't transfer), and he has a good job as well. He told me that he'll move with me if I can wait until he's done with school, but I don't want to wait! My plan was to get married a year after college, and then have a baby two years after that. He won't be ready for all that, because he'll still be in school. We both love each other very much, and I really want to marry him. Should I move without him and start a new life or wait around? I'm so confused.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: Should I Move With My Boyfriend?

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of six months just told me that he got a great job opportunity that would be moving him to Saint Louis, but not until September. He asked me to go with him, I said yes, but my parents think I'm making the wrong decision. I love my boyfriend so much and I don't see my life without him. So in my eyes, there was no question that I'd go with him. The only problem is I really don't want to disappoint my parents. What should I do?

-Packing Up Patsy

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Packing Up Patsy,

This is your relationship so while I'm sure your parents approval means a lot to you, the choice to move is ultimately your decision. I have a feeling your parents are wary because you've only been together six months, but by the time September comes, you will have been together for over a year, which should be more than enough time to know that you aren't making a rash decision. I don't blame you for wanting to follow your boyfriend so my only advice to you is to trust your instincts and have the confidence to make an adult decision. Holding yourself back only to please your parents isn't going to do anyone any good so hopefully once moving day rolls around, your parents will be happy for you. Good luck.

You Asked: To Move or Not to Move?

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 06:01:03 -0800

Dear Sugar -

I have a huge decision to make. I can make all my dreams come true and move to Hawaii in February, or I can stay in my comfort zone and always wonder "what if?" I have a couple of friends there who are willing to let me stay with them until I get my feet on the ground, but I'm scared to death to move! I have a very stable, well-paying job in New York City and I have all my friends and family here, which includes my seven brothers and sisters. So should I risk everything to take a chance and move? I have this sinking feeling that I'm just going to move back to NYC anyways. Help! - Luau Laurie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Luau Laurie -

You say it would be a dream come true to move, so I say go for it! Of course, picking up your life and moving it to a new place is scary, but I agree with you - there's nothing worse than always asking yourself "what if" if you decide not to go. It sounds like you have friends in Hawaii, so you wouldn't be lonely, and Laurie, what could be better than living in paradise?! If I were you, I'd write out a pros and cons list, weigh your options, and go for it!

The thing about moving away from all of your friends and family is that they're all going to be there when you come back. NYC isn't going anywhere either. If you have a sneaking suspicion that you're just going to come back, give it a shot for a few months and enjoy it for what's it worth. Of course, leaving a well paying job is harder to swallow, so see if you can take a leave of absence until you're certain about Hawaii. You might also try to sublet your apartment and just pack the necessities.

Getting out of your comfort zone can be terrifying, but at the end of the day, that's what makes you grow as a person. If you decide to take the plunge and you feel like you made a mistake, you can always come back home and at least know that you tried. Good luck!

Source

You Asked: To Move or Not to Move?

DearSugar — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am moving half way across the country to move in with my boyfriend. I am totally in love with him and we have discussed getting married. Here is the problem - his ex-girlfriend spends the night at his house and sleeps in his bed. I just found this out and apparently this happens on occasion and she just spent the night there night before last!

He has a guest room and she only lives 15 minutes away! Why does she need to sleep in his bed? I told him I didn't like it and that it is really disrespectful to me. He assures me the relationship is totally platonic and that they are just friends. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. I don't think they are having sex but I still don't like the idea of her sleeping next to him in the bed I picked out! I was certain that moving and uprooting my life was worth it to be with this guy, but now I couldn't be more confused. Do I move but just get my own place? Do I move in with him? Do I end the relationship? Help! - At a Loss Leslie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear At a Loss Leslie,

Hmm, I must say I am at a loss here as well. There is absolutely no excuse for your boyfriend to be sleeping in the same bed as his girlfriend, "platonic" or not. How did you find out this information? If he told you, at least he is being honest with you, but I am still left wondering why they are hanging out in the first place. There is a reason why they are ex-boyfriend and girlfriend, and we all know that it's a constant debate whether or not men and women can be friends, so something's gotta be up.

If your boyfriend doesn't understand why you don't trust him, ask him how he would feel if he found your ex was sleeping in your bed - I have a feeling he wouldn't be a happy camper. I am not sure if you have already quit your job and gotten rid of your apartment, but if I were you, I would delay this move until you get these issues resolved. Find out if continuing a relationship with you is what he really wants. You say you have talked about marriage, but make sure you are not moving with any false expectations. Uprooting your life is a huge step so it's imperative to make sure you are 100 percent on the same page and that his ex is completely out of the picture. If your boyfriend can prove to you that he's ready to commit and can be trusted, then, and only then would I say go for it. Trust your gut Leslie, if you're writing me asking what to do, I have a feeling you know what the answer is here. Good luck.

Source

Dear Poll: Would You Live in a Foreign Country?

DearSugar — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 09:00:00 -0700

Celebrities shoot movies in foreign countries all the time, and from the paparazzi pictures, they seem to fit in just like that! Of course, they have the ability to bring their comforts of home with them, but when I lived in London, it wasn't that easy for me to acclimate to a different culture. I have friends that are game for adventure and would pack up and move to a foreign country in a heartbeat, whereas I am much more content in my daily routine, so tell me, would you be up for living abroad?